Your things

Hey Carter! Well, we are adjusting well to having two living kiddos at home. As well as a family possibly can I guess! ;- ) It is nice to have your daddy home with us. I think that is the reason I have not gone crazy yet.

Your little sister wore a very special outfit today. I kept a few of your clothes and she wore one of the outfits today. It made me very happy to put her in it. She looked so cute. It was bittersweet though.I can't tell you how many times I have thought about how life is now and the complexities of the "perfect-ness" of it. Having Abby and Hannah seems so perfect. But no matter how I look at it, I don't know that I could ever say I wouldn't change it. That is far to complicated to even begin to think about. It's complicated because if we hadn't miscarried during our first three pregnancies, we wouldn't have Hannah and if you hadn't died, we wouldn't have Abby. When I married your daddy 8 years ago I couldn't have imagined my life and the things that have happened in it. But, the things that have happened have made me the person I am today. And for that, I am grateful.

Yesterday, Abby and I went to visit you again. It is such a nice place and I love to take your sisters out there. As complicated as it will be to explain you to them as they grow up, I will always include you in their lives and in my "kid count".

I have been feeling pretty good lately. I am nearing the end of my third week of working out and it feels really good to be active again. I think without exercising, those dreaded baby blues would creep in. For the most part, I don't think I am having much, if any, post-partum depression. There are times when I still struggle with things, especially when I hear about other people losing their babies or about little ones that are sick. But, I think that is to be expected. I think when you lose a child, hearing about others who are facing the same thing affects you differently than it does if you haven't suffered a loss.

I am extremely grateful for the life I am living. I am grateful for each and every day with "my girls". I miss you like crazy and I hope you are having fun up there. Please take care of the new little ones that are joining you. I know of at least two mommies that have lost their babies just this week. Those first moments, days and weeks are such a struggle but to know that our babies are safe in the arms of Jesus is at least a little bit of a comfort.

I love you Carter. I should probably get ready for bed. Abby is sleeping for now, but that probably won't last so I should get ready while I can! I love you, I love you, I love you!