December 28, 2009

I love you, Carter! I hope you had a good day today. I had a pretty sad day. It was four months ago today that we found out you were gone and they induced labor. It was a long, hard, horrible, sad day and that's all I could think about all day long. And tomorrow is your four month heavenly birthday. I can't believe it.

Your sister saw you again today. That made me smile. We had just pulled into the driveway and she said your name. When I asked her if she saw you, she said yes! Way to go little one! Thanks for showing up today! You showed up to me more than once too. I was seeing geese all day long. What a blessing!



Oh yeah! I almost forgot to you tell you about your big sister. She went potty at daycare lots today and didn't have a single accident! She's such a big girl. She was so mad at me a little while ago when I woke her up to go potty. Whoops! She needed to go though!

Well Carter, mommy's beat! I love you and can't wait to send you balloons tomorrow. Happy early birthday! I love you!

December 27, 2009

Happy Birthday Ben!

Carter, did you had Ben have fun up there today? I sure hope so and I hope you behaved yourselves. Today was a much better day in the potty training world. I am so proud of her. Other than the potty stuff, we didn't do much today. Basically we just hung out together. It was a good day. Tomorrow is Josh's due date and I think it could be a rough one for his mommy. So will the two of you send her some extra love please? I know you will because you are sweet boys!

Well little one, it is bedtime again. I hope you sleep well. I'm sure it was a busy day with all of the partying you had to do! I love you!

December 26, 2009

Well little Carter, don't ask me how your mama has caught a cold. It's a major bummer. My nose hurts so bad and I can't quit sneezing. I bet you would have been a cute sneezer! Today was day two of your sister's potty training. Surprisingly, yesterday went better. She really struggled today. Hopefully tomorrow is better. We'll see I guess. Your Bumpa & Nana leave tomorrow too. It's been so nice having them here. Hopefully they get jobs down here so they can live close by. It would be so nice to be with them more.

Well Carter Alan, I am sleepy and should get to sleep so I can be rested for potty training tomorrow. I love you! Have fun with Ben tomorrow. It's his birthday!

Christmas Eve, December 24, 2009

Well Carter, it's Christmas Eve and guess what...you still aren't here. We went to church tonight and I did cry, but not as much as I could have. I cried the most during Silent Night when we sang - Sleep in Heavenly Peace. You are doing just that. You are sleeping in the most peaceful place ever, heaven. What an awesome place to be.

Another thing we did tonight was read a whole bunch of letters that our friends wrote to you. We decided to read them tonight instead of tomorrow morning so we could appreciate them as they deserved. So many people love you, Carter. I was blown away by the words written to honor you. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, you've made a difference in this world, Carter. I am so proud of you!

Well sweet boy, sweet dreams. Tomorrow is Christmas. It's the day Jesus was born. What an amazing gift. Just like you are every day!

Oh yeah, Santa brought you a present to the cemetery!

December 23, 2009

Hi Carter! I love you!
Well, today was a pretty big day. Santa came to visit your sister at school and that's all she talked about for the rest of the day. I guess she liked him. :) Other than that, not much else happened. Your daddy is out working in the freezing cold right now, the poor guy. Your Bumpa & Nana went to visit you today. And I am once again up way past my bed time and am totally pooped! So I should hit the sack. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Put in a good word for your family tomorrow. It could be a tough day! Sweet dreams little love of mine! I love you!

December 22, 2009

Hi Carter! Well, today was a better day. Your daddy seemed much happier today and I even got to talk to him about you and your friends some. I sure love him and am so lucky to have someone who loves me like he does.
Work was pretty uneventful today. After work, I picked your sister up and we went out to visit you before we headed home. She wanted to get out of the car to see you! So we got out and she walked right over to your pinwheel and called it a fan :) and then looked out to the west and said your name. I asked her if she saw you and she said yes! I believe her buddy, I really do. So I told her she could walk around some more and she walked right to the grave of another little boy. It broke my heart when I looked at the headstone and read - Baby John Doe, Found February 28, 1988. It was so sad to see. It does look like he is well cared for though. He had all sorts of stuff on his headstone. That made me happy. Thank you for leading us to him, Carter. I'm so glad you did.
One of your friends' mommies made me laugh today. She wrote that she was going out to the cemetery to visit her kiddos the other day and there were a bunch of geese in the middle of the road that wouldn't move as she drove up. She said she laughed and said, "Hi Carter!" and it was then that they decided to start walking. Your spirit lives on little guy! Keep up the good work. Your Bumpa & Nana got here safely tonight. They will be here until the 27th. It will be nice to have them around.
Hey Carter, be extra nice to McKenzie and Abbi for me ok? Yesterday was McKenzie's birthday and today is Abbi's. They are both 1 now! Watch out for those older women!
Well little one, I should get to bed. I'm pretty sleepy and need to get up early tomorrow to shovel. It's snowing out. Looks like we will have a white Christmas after all! I love you! Sweet dreams!

Decenber 21, 2009

Oh Carter, your daddy and I are struggling. I love to talk about you and it makes me feel lots better. But your daddy says that talking about you makes him too sad. We are grieving so differently and I don't know what to do about it. It just hurts me so badly. I just sat here and cried as I talked to him about it earlier. What do I do buddy? I feel like this is tearing us apart. I love your daddy and just want him to be ok. I don't even know what to say. My heart is broken. I miss you so much Carter and love to tell people all about you any chance I get. I don't believe in my heart that not talking about you will help me grieve any better or at all for that matter. I just wish he would talk to me.

Ok on a happy note, our tree is filling up with Christmas ornaments especially for you. I love them! There are so many people who have sent them to us just for you! We are also collecting letters to put in your stocking on Christmas morning. I have been very careful not to read them as I get them so they can all be extra special on Friday morning.

Did you know I miss you? Did you know I love you? Did you know I'd give anything to have you back?

Well little one, it's your mommy's bed time. I love you! Sweet dreams!

December 16, 2009

Hey you! I love you!

Well today was a pretty uneventful day. Actually, I take that back. Your sister had her 2 year check-up at the doctor and your Buddy dog had to go to the vet because he was hurting really bad. His hips keep getting worse and worse so he's on a couple of new medications now again. So, every day he is getting 11 pills now. The poor dog. The vet told me that this will eventually be what causes his death. Not that sore hips will kill him, but he will just get to a point where he can't get up anymore and we will just have to decide to put him to sleep so he's not hurting anymore. I hope that's a long time from now. He's sure not very smart, but he's a good dog.


I also saw a bunch of geese today. It made me smile. I was driving in the car with your sister and she said "Birds!" so I looked out the window and sure enough there was a flock of geese.

Well sweet one, I am pretty tired and should get to sleep. I love you and hope you sleep well! I love you!



Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord
Psalm 27:14

December 15, 2009

Hey there little one! I love you!

Well sweetie, today was a big day. I had an appointment with my counselor and she cut me loose! She thinks I'm doing well and said that if I feel the need to schedule appointments in the future but that I am doing "marvelously well." What a vote of confidence for your mommy! My counselor is an amazing Christian woman and I have learned so much from her. She has definitely helped me in my walk with God.

Other than that, today was fairly uneventful. I need to call the vet tomorrow because your Buddy dog seems to have really sore hips. I am hoping he is ok. He didn't even want to get up for a treat earlier. He's hurting pretty bad. Hopefully the vet can help him feel better.

Well, I suppose I should get to bed. Sweet dreams Carter. I love you!

December 14, 2009

Hi Carter! I love you!

Well, today was an ok day. Work was just a normal day. But tonight was an extra special night. It was your sister's first Christmas program. She did SO well! Your daddy and I are very proud of her. She looked so cute and danced like crazy when they did their song.

It was hard to go there and think about never being able to watch you in a Christmas program. That is just one more thing to add to the already huge pile of things that make me super sad. I know you were looking out for your mommy today though. I can't even tell you how many times I looked out the window at work and saw geese flying by!

Oh yeah, and I got to tell someone new about you today. It was a friend of mine in Virginia. He is a super nice guy and listened to me talk all about my wonderful baby boy.

I also ordered a book for Abbi's mommy today. I am really hoping she gets it before Abbi's one year heavenly birthday because I would like her to be able to read it on that very special day!

Well you, I am super tired so I should get to bed. Sweet dreams little one. I love you!

Carter's Geese - December 14, 2009

You are showing up EVERYWHERE!
Here's an email I got from Maya's mommy today!

Carter's Geese

Yesterday my family and I were on our way to Walmart and I was sad all day. I had just started to cry a little bit when I looked up and there were geese EVERYWHERE! There were HUNDREDS of them! They were all flying in a circle all around our van and then they started to fly south. You should have heard me lol. I saw them, stopped crying and said, "Oh! Sara! It's Carter!!!" Yes, apparently I talk to people who aren't even with me lol. I tried to take pictures with my phone but my stupid phone wouldn't focus. My husband even slowed down for me. He probably thought I was insane, because he had no clue what I was talking about and I'm trying to explain but I was so excited, I just kept saying, It's Carter!! It's Carter's Geese!!! You know my friend Sara? It's CARTER!! lol


Thank you so much for being all around me Carter. I love knowing you are here, and to know that other people remember you too makes it even better!

Hannah's Birthday - December 13, 2009

Oh Carter, I'm sad tonight. I'm sad that you weren't here to celebrate your sister's birthday with us. It's so hard buddy. It's hard to know that I will never hold you again for as long as I live. You know I would give anything to have you back right?

Your daddy and I weren't feeling well at all today. We both had food poisoning. And it turns out, pretty much everyone else got sick too! I am feeling a lot better now than I was earlier today so that's a good thing. It was miserable.

I read a special book to your sister tonight for her birthday and much to my surprise you "showed up" while I was reading to her. In the book, it's called "On the Night You Were Born", it talks about the geese flying and I couldn't help but think of you! You are everywhere I look, Carter. You never cease to amaze me. I am reminded of you each day. Thank you for that! I need it. I need you in my life. I need those gentle reminders of you. They make life a little more livable.

You are getting more and more friends up there little boy. But by you getting more friends to play with, I'm getting more friends too. I'm grateful to have people in my life that I can talk to about you all I want and they won't ever get sick of hearing it because they feel the same way about their little ones. I don't know if you kiddos even realize how much your families love you. We love you so much it hurts. It hurts my heart to think about you being gone. I just miss you. I miss feeling you move. I miss watching my belly grow. I miss kissing you. I miss holding you. I miss seeing you. I miss the parts of me that died when you did. I will never be whole again. It just hurts so bad.

I don't feel like I'm the mom your sister deserves. I try Carter, I do, but it's so hard when you aren't here with us. She is such an amazing little girl and I am so blessed to have her. There isn't a day that I am not grateful for her. But it scares me to know how very fragile life is and the thought of losing her too is too much. You have taught me to appreciate things buddy! To really look at the things in my life with gratitude, knowing that each second of the day is a blessing. Thank you for teaching me that.

Well little one, I should get going. There are things I've got to get done before bed and they aren't getting themselves done! I hope you rest well tonight, Carter. Remember I love you!

December 12, 2009

Hey you! I love you!

Well, today was indeed a very busy day for your family. We had your sister's birthday party and then had your daddy's work Christmas party. It was a fun day. I sure missed you though.

There were some balloons left after your sister's party so we went out to the cemetery to send them off to you. When I first got to the party place I was feeling pretty sad and then I looked around and saw pinwheels everywhere and I knew you were there with us. It made me super happy.

Your daddy was sad again tonight. I feel so bad for him. I wanted to do anything I could to make him feel better but knew that there wasn't really anything I could do.

Well little one, I'm exhausted. I love you and miss you so much. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you that I wore my, My Very Own Angel shirt today so everyone would remember you too! I love you little one!

December 11, 2009

Hello little love of mine!

Sorry it's been a few days again sicne I last wrote to you. Life has been crazy. Last night we were having problems with our electricity and tonight your daddy and I have been working hard at getting things ready for your sister's birthday party tomorrow. I baked an Elmo cake that your daddy then decorated and I baked some cupcakes too. I think we are going to need to hide the cake from her until it's time to eat it though or we may have a problem! You see, I know she is going to absolutely love it and if I have to tell her she can't have it!!! Oh boy! :)

December 8, 2009

Hi baby boy! I love you!

Well little one, there is really not much for me to report today. I had a pretty good day which is always a good thing.

Your daddy put your sister's birthday present together tonight. It's a trampoline. She is going to absolutely love it. They have one at her school and every day when I pick her up, she doesn't want to leave because she wants to play on the "jump jump".

I got to talk about you today. That always makes my day. Whether someone asks about you or if I just decide to tell them all about you, it doesn't matter. Just the mention of your name makes me smile.

I also got some Christmas ornaments in the mail today. I of course ordered one for you but also ordered others for some of your friends' families. I'm going to send them tomorrow.

It's been so cold out lately. I don't think the temperature ever got much over 0* today and the wind chill makes it so much worse. I'm so glad your poor little body doesn't feel the cold. It breaks my heart to think about you being out there in this cold weather. I've been wanting to go out to see you but it's been so cold I just haven't convinced myself to go yet. I hope you can feel my love from here because I really do love you oh so much!

Well my darling little boy. It's bed time. Sweet dreams little one! I love you!

December 6, 2009

Hey you! I love you! Your daddy and I went to a remembrance service tonight and a couple of your pictures were included in the slideshow. You are famous little guy! And oddly enough, there was another little Carter in the slideshow too. We got to talk to his mommy and daddy after the service. He was stillborn in July of 2007. I'm sure you already know him! :) I love you and am pretty tired. Your daddy and I had a busy and fun filled weekend. I love you!

December 5, 2009

Hello love of mine. Let me start off by telling you that we got your stillbirth certificate in the mail today. It has been exactly 14 weeks since we lost you and I'm trying to just be grateful to have it, but I'm so upset that the hospital took SO much longer than the statutory 3 days that it should have been filed in. The finality of getting it makes me so sad. And knowing it is the only "official" government document we will ever have for you makes it that much more special. I'm going to be sure I keep it very safe.

Your daddy and I made Christmas goodies today. It took the majority of the day but I'm glad we made stuff. It all tastes pretty yummy too!

Well my amazing little one, I hope you had a fun day today. I love you and miss you more than you will ever know. Sweet dreams Carter! I love you!

December 4, 2009

Hey baby boy! I love you so much! Today was a busy day again for your family. We decorated the Christmas tree and then your daddy and I mixed up all sorts of goodies to make/bake with your sister tomorrow. We are going to make chocolate covered cherries & peanut butter balls, cut-out cookies (I think your sister will really like making and decorating them), peanut blossoms and fudge. It will be a busy day no doubt. But for now, your mommy is quite tired so I am laying in bed writing to you.

Your daddy seems better tonight. This morning and afternoon he was still seeming pretty upset though. It makes me sad when he is sad. I wish I could make everything better for him, but I can't.

I found out today that your sister gets to participate in the daycare Christmas program. It should be super cute. I can't wait to go!

Well little one, I hope you get some good rest tonight. I love you with all that I am!

December 3, 2009

Hi you! I love you! It was a big day at our house today. Your sister and I each got our hair cut and she also went to the dentist for a check-up. She did really well.

Other than that, not much else happened today. Your daddy is struggling though. He says he doesn't really know what's going on but thinks he is in a funk about you. He said he doesn't know how to describe it other than he just feels like something is missing and that it will always feel that way. I'm so sad for him. I wish you weren't gone. Not just for my sake but especially for your daddy. I think he is really struggling but doesn't know how to or doesn't want to dive into why. I know he needs lots of love right now and I'm going to do my best to give it to him.

We bought all sorts of stuff to make Christmas goodies today. Our plan is to make lots of yummy things to share with people this weekend. It should be fun because your sister is going to help us. :)

Well my darling, sweet Carter, I love you with all that I am and hope you have sweet dreams. Send your daddy some extra love tonight please!

December 1, 2009

Hey there sweet boy. I wish I could tell you I had a good day today, but that would be a lie. I am still having problems getting your stillbirth certificate and I have an eye infection. Needless to say, I felt pretty down today. I am so grateful for some of the people I am surrounded by though. Dr. Storey continues to be so very wonderful to me and Dan continues to be a great friend. And that daddy of yours loves me to pieces and shows me all the time.

I went to visit you today and your pinwheel was completely busted. It makes me super sad when it's broken because I love to see it shining when I pull up to see you.

I signed up for Skype today. It's a web camera thing that we will be able to use to talk to Uncle Adam & Auntie Mel and Bumpa & Nana. Maybe others too! Your Uncle Adam is pretty excited because he really wants your sister to know who he is.

Well my sweet little, perfect boy. I should get some rest. It is once again past my bedtime. I love you and miss you so very much.

November 30, 2009

Oh goodness where do I even start? Today was a sad day again. But like always it seems, I can't put my finger on why it was a tough one. It just was. I think part of it was because I saw pictures of a baby who is up there with you and they broke my heart. I miss you so much Carter Alan. Each and every day I think I miss you more if that is even possible. Your daddy had to go into work early tonight because there have been robberies the last few Monday nights and they are all on the lookout for who is doing it. I can't help but be scared about him being out there though. Especially since there were four officers killed in Washington this weekend (I think). I can't imagine living life if something happened to your daddy or your sister. I think they would have to lock me up.

Your sister woke up yelling for me just a little bit ago. She seemed really scared so we rocked for a while until she fell back to sleep. She is so dang sweet and wonderful. She makes my heart happy.

Well little one, it's almost an hour past my bedtime so I'd better get to sleep. Rest well little one. I love you with all that I am!

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