What will tomorrow bring?

Well, we were lucky enough to get an appointment with the pediatric dermatologist tomorrow morning at 8:30 in Denver. They are waiting to authorize an MRI until we’ve had a consultation with a doctor. I am very grateful. At the same time, I am freaked out. What will happen? What will they tell us? Is your little sister going to be ok? There are so many things running through my mind right now…it’s no wonder I can’t sleep. I’m hoping we will have an uneventful trip down there and that things will be laid out as simply as they can be and that little Abigail will be just fine. I am also realistic (or maybe it’s pessimistic) enough to know that may or may not be the case.

I’m hoping that this isn’t the last picture I took of your little sister before we knew she had major issues.
I can’t even pray. I just can’t. I am grateful for all of the prayers offered on our behalf, but I just can’t pray right now. All of the “what ifs” are running through my mind and I can’t fathom something being wrong with her. What would I do? I know that God loves her and loves me, but come on…I just want to get a break. I just want things to be normal…I mean really “normal” for once. So for now, I’ll just ride along on the prayers of others. I believe that God understands where I am right now. I believe that regardless of my inability to put together any semblance of a prayer, He is still carrying me through this difficult time. At least, that’s what I hope. I do pray/hope that your little sister will be fine. But what if she’s not?

Where will I go from here? What will I do? What will tomorrow bring? Will it bring any answers or will they need to run tests? I just can’t process all of it right now. I am hoping for answers but I also know that just looking at her little head may not be enough. I know that there will be a lot of people praying for us while we are down there and that’s exactly what we need. Like I said, I’m relying on the prayers of others to carry me through this.

I feel like there are a million things running through my head right now but for some reason I am not really able to put them into logical thoughts that can be written out. I’m sure that’s from the stress of it all and from being exhausted. It doesn’t help either that we are leaving for the appointment in just seven short hours and I still haven’t gotten to sleep.

We are really lucky to have such wonderful friends. Some of those friends volunteered to have your big sister stay with them tonight so she wouldn’t have to get up super early in the morning. So, I was over at their house for a while tonight just hanging out and then she didn’t want to go to sleep so I had to spend more time than I had anticipated trying to get her to sleep so she wouldn’t be scared. The work of a mommy is never done, that’s for sure! I just hope she sleeps ok and that she doesn’t wake up scared during the night or in the morning.

Well, I suppose…I’m definitely not getting to sleep any faster by just sitting her typing. I will talk to you again soon, Carter. I love you. Sweet dreams.

Abby’s Handprint From God

Hey little guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and hope you are doing well up there. Everything is going pretty well down here. Your big sister is doing well at “school” and is still LOVING your little sister. It makes my heart very happy to see them together.

Just the other day your little sister was crying so your big sister decided she needed to be a big helper and picked her up and carried her to me. I freaked out! =- ) She was very proud of herself! Looking back, it was pretty sweet and now she thinks she needs to “help” even more. This morning she even helped your daddy load her into her car seat.

Speaking of today, your little sister had a doctor’s appointment this morning. You see, little Abby was born with a spot on her head…well I guess it isn’t just a spot. It’s a birthmark. Your Nana said once that she believes that is where God had his hand on her head throughout my entire pregnancy. It’s a nice thought and I think she is right. So this morning your daddy and I took her to the dermatologist to have it looked at just as a precaution. Another reason we wanted to take her in is because when your big sister went to the neurologist for her seizures one of the first things they asked us was what kinds of birthmarks and/or moles she had. I guess when babies are just forming the tissue that forms the skin is the same tissue that forms the brain. And some times if there are abnormalities in the skin, such as birthmarks or moles, they can be indications of abnormalities in the brain.

So, to the doctor we went. And we weren’t at the doctor very long before we were told they would like little Abby to see a pediatric dermatologist and have an MRI at Denver Children’s Hospital just as a precaution. The doctor didn’t like that the birthmark is on her head. She also didn’t like that it is so large and finally she didn’t like the color(s) of it.

Now we are waiting to hear back on the authorization from insurance before we can even schedule the appointment. (Stupid insurance!) I’m trying not to worry. I’m trying not to think the worst of what could be wrong with her. Even the doctor got tears in her eyes today when we were talking about losing you and now having this happen to Abby. So, I guess there is nothing I can do other than pray that everything is ok with Abby and that God keeps His hand on her little head.

Too much time

Hi buddy. I am sorry it has been so long since I have written to you. The only real excuse I have is life with a new baby. A bad excuse, I know. But I've been so tired lately and your little sister doesn't really like being put down for extended periods of time. =- )

A lot has happened since I last wrote to you though. I am a parent coordinator for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, so when a baby dies, I am the one that gets the call to set up a photographer. It's an honor to be that person, but it's stinkin' hard sometimes too. I got a really tough call on October 2nd. A little boy who was 31 days old was brought to our hospital and they were unable to save his life. So, they were looking for a photographer to take some final pictures of the little guy. The reason it was so hard is because your little sister was born just one day after that little guy. Needless to say, I hugged both of your sisters a little tighter that day and try my best to hug and love on them extra even now.

A really good thing has happened since I wrote too. I mentioned a while back that our church was going to be doing something special because of you and that special project has been a success and hopefully will continue to grow.

Our project is called "Carter's Cause" and the point of it is to raise money to purchase headstones for the little babies buried by you that don't have one. I am SO proud to say that we have raised enough money to purchase one headstone! Now I just need to contact the funeral home so they can let the family know. Our church was so generous and they really stepped forward when we asked them to donate in your name. You continue to amaze me with all of your little ways of changing the world. It's still hard for me to believe you've been gone for 13 months now, but it's comforting to know that your memory lives on and will always. You are a little guy with quite a reputation! Good work! I love you, Carter!

Well, that is a quick update on what's been happening with us lately. I hope you are doing well up there. I miss you so very much and love you more than you will ever know.