Our story – Emma, Lily and Joshua Written April 11, 2007
In May of 2004, David and I decided that we wanted to start a family. At the time, we had been married for nearly two years. We had moved to Cheyenne, Wyoming from Spearfish, South Dakota six months earlier so David could take a job at the Cheyenne Police Department. David had always wanted to be a police officer and his dream had finally come true. In March of 2004, David graduated from the Wyoming police academy. It was at his academy graduation that we saw the cutest little boy that was the son of another graduate. He was the deciding factor for us in our family planning process!
Emma –
We started trying to get pregnant in May. In June we purchased our home and really believed that everything was falling into place in our lives. We had wonderful jobs, had started attending church regularly, and had great friends and family supporting us.
In December of 2004 our dream came true. We found out right after Christmas that we were expecting you! Your due date was September 4, 2005. Everything seemed to be going well. My family even sent us an audio tape to play to my belly as it grew so you could hear their voices since they all lived far away. Toward the middle of January of 2005 we decided that we wanted to start creating a nursery for you. We had found some Veggie Tales items online and David decided that he wanted to paint characters on each of the walls.
The night he started drawing the figures I remember feeling really tired. I had been feeling pretty tired throughout the pregnancy so I did not figure that night was anything out of the ordinary. At around 1 am, I woke up in terrible pain. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding a lot. I called the answering service for Cheyenne OBGYN and they told me that they would have to contact the on-call doctor and call me back. Upon receiving the phone call, Dr. Foley listened to what was happening that evening and I later realized that she had fallen asleep as I explained things to her. She informed me that even if there was a problem there was nothing that could be done and that I just needed to wait to see if anything else happened.
Two weeks later, on Friday, January 28, I went to my regularly scheduled appointment. We arrived at the appointment and were scheduled to see Dr. Foley. We were brought back to an exam room where they attempted to listen to your heart beat. There was nothing. Dr. Foley told us that we were still pretty early in the pregnancy and that it was likely that everything was still fine. We were told that they would go ahead and do an ultrasound that day though just to be sure everything was progressing as it should be.
We were brought back to another room for the ultrasound about a half hour later. David and I could see everything the ultrasound tech was seeing because there was a television near the ceiling with the images on it. The tech looked around for a while and we could see the gestational sac but there was nothing inside of it. The tech left the room for a short time and came back in with Dr. Foley. It was at that point that the doctor looked at us and said, “Well, it doesn’t look good. Looks like you are bound to miscarry.” The words were heartbreaking but not nearly as heartbreaking as the lack of empathy from the physician we had to care for us at that time.
We were told then that I needed to have my blood drawn to really be sure that I was miscarrying and that my hormone levels were dropping like they should be. So, we headed down stairs to the lab in the hospital. We were both still extremely upset and upon arriving, the gal who was supposed to take my blood looked at the other lady in the lab and said, “I can’t do it! You need to draw her blood.” It broke my heart to see someone else so upset just from seeing us. The weekend came and went and we had made the decision to have a D&E so we did not have to wait to expel everything from the pregnancy.
I had heard wonderful things about Dr. Lind who happened to also be part of Cheyenne OBGYN so I had decided that I wanted him to do my surgery for me. My mom came down early in the week to be with us before, during and after the surgery. Everything went well with the surgery and I apparently even had a conversation with the anesthesiologist in Spanish on my way back from surgery. I have no recollection of this, David still likes to tell people about it though.
I decided to stay home for a few days after the surgery and just planned on going to work on Friday of that week. I knew that going back to work was going to be a difficult thing so I figured that just getting my feet wet on a Friday before going back for a full week was my best bet.
We were told by Dr. Lind to wait for one normal cycle before trying to get pregnant again. Just to be sure that everything was working like it should be.
Lily –
Much to our surprise, we found out that we were pregnant again the day after Mother’s Day 2005 and you were due January 12, 2006. We were scared out of our minds to be pregnant again but still filled with tremendous joy! Because of our wariness, we did not even tell many people that we were pregnant.
The weekend after we found out we were pregnant we took a trip to South Dakota with the bank I was working for at the time. The weekend was great and my family was even able to spend some time with us while we were up there. It was on that trip that my mom bought me my first maternity shirt. She said to me over and over again that she really did believe that this pregnancy was going to work and that she was so very excited for us.
The Monday after we got back from our trip I started to bleed pretty heavily again. I called the doctor’s office immediately and let them know that I was miscarrying and that I just needed to get in to have my blood drawn. I knew that this miscarriage was already pretty far along so I decided to just miscarry at home this time.
After having my blood drawn I was told to call a day or so later to get the results of my blood tests. I called and left a message for the nurse but did not receive a call back. I called back the next day and after being passed from voice mail to voice mail, my call was directed back up to the receptionist. I asked if she could please get someone for me to talk to. She then asked me if it was an emergency. My response was no, but I had been instructed to call and get my test results from their office. Her response to me was, “If I pull someone out of a room for this…they are not going to be happy.” It was at that point that I decided that I was going to switch doctor’s offices. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office with David some time after that crying. I was heartbroken. In the midst of my crying I apologized to him. Without even a second’s hesitation, he said to me, “Sara, if I had wanted a litter, I would have married a dog and had puppies!” As ridiculous as it sounds, there was nothing that he could have said at that moment that would have been as wonderful. He hugged me and just let me cry.
In the midst of all of our trials and tribulations, we had made our way back to Frontier United Methodist Church because we truly felt at home with that congregation. I remember one Sunday in particular that still to this day brings me great shame and embarrassment. It was either late May or early June and I remember being in church and singing the song Amazing Love.
I’m forgiven because You were forsaken.
I’m accepted. You were condemned.
I’m alive and well,
Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again.
Amazing love, how can it be
That you, my King would die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true:
It’s my joy to honor you.
In all I do I honor You.
You are my King.
You are my King.
Jesus, You are my King.
Jesus, You are my King.
I was singing the song and thinking to myself, despite what you are going through, you are “alive and well” and that brought me to tears. I knew I really did have a great life and that things may not be like I wanted them to be but I still had a wonderful existence. It was during that song that I looked in front of me and saw a family with a beautiful baby, and looked behind me and saw a glowing pregnant woman. I fell apart. I was furious. I was hurt beyond anything that I had ever experienced before. Why did God let this happen to me? As the service progressed I had a horrible feeling of guilt about being so angry at a woman that I thought I had never even met.
After church was over I truly felt convicted for having felt such anger. For that reason, I decided that I needed to apologize to that woman. She was with her husband and little boy when I approached her. I remember looking at her and just saying, “I owe you an apology.” She of course had a horribly confused look on her face so I proceeded to tell her what my experience had been with my miscarriages and what had happened in church that day. I just sobbed. The poor thing did not have any idea what to do. I remember that just a minute or two into my confession our pastor’s wife approached me and gave me a hug. As David and I walked out from church that day I said, “She must have thought I was crazy!” David’s response to me was, “Yup!”
The next week I knew I had to apologize to that poor woman for my actions the week before. So once again, I approached her and let her know that I really was not as crazy as I seemed to be the week before and that I was sincerely sorry for my actions. We had a short conversation after that in which we found out that they lived just around the corner from us and that when we first moved into our house and our dog ran away that they were the ones that found her for us. Also, we discovered that David was the police officer that had responded to a call they made earlier that summer. The names of those family members were Matthew, Mindy and Caleb Hudson.
As time passed, the emotions changed all the more. Some days were good and some days were not so good. We continued to attend Frontier Church despite my episode with Mindy during her pregnancy. And regardless of everything that happened, I was still very happy for Matthew & Mindy when little Maylie was born on July 10, 2005. Throughout the remainder of the summer, we played softball on our church team with Matthew and even Mindy at times.
Months later, there was an announcement made at church that there were going to be some “small groups” starting. We decided that it would be a good thing for us to join a group to be more involved with our church family. The evening that worked the best for us was Mondays and just by chance, the group that was planning on meeting on Monday evenings was the Hudson’s group. We joined the group and found ourselves being “taken in” and loved by the members. Mindy and I even became quite close as a result of our group meetings.
I remember driving home from work one afternoon. There was a song on the radio that I had heard many times before then but it had never had the effect on me that it had that day.
"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I found myself becoming increasingly angry and I was not sure why. Then it came to me, I was angry at God. I was angry at him for taking both of you away from me. I could not help but cry. Not long after that day I was talking to a dear friend of mine, Tamra Jackson. We started talking about what I had been going through and we got on the subject of that song and how it made me feel. I told her about my anger and she assured me that God already knew about it and that if anyone can handle us being angry, He can!
It was not long after that day that I started yet another new chapter in my life in a new job at the Wyoming Department of Transportation. As the months went by, we were becoming increasingly frustrated by not getting pregnant. So, during the summer of 2006 we decided to set up an appointment with Dr. Storey at Cheyenne Women’s Clinic. At the appointment we were very impressed by Dr. Storey and his apparent dedication to our case. Even as we were sitting and discussing everything his cell phone rang and he found out that he needed to get to the hospital ASAP for a c-section. After he hung up his phone, he said, “Ok, what’s your next question?” We knew that this was going to be a good fit for us in our journey. The direction that Dr. Storey recommended that we head was to be sure that everything was working ok with both David and me. This would require some testing. When I went in for my blood tests, I had to have it drawn twice to be sure I was ovulating, the ladies that took my blood said, “I hope you get the answers that you want!” It was at that time that I realized that I really did not know what I wanted. Did I want there to be something wrong that they could potentially not fix or did I want there to be nothing wrong and still not know why we were not getting pregnant? I knew that I was not supposed to know but God did and I just needed to put my trust in Him and His decisions.
As it turned out, everything was ok with both of us. Timing was the only issue we had to deal with. So, with that in mind we found comfort and kept on trying.
Joshua
It was the fall of 2006. We had both been playing volleyball and were pretty happy where we were in our jobs etc. We found out on Saturday, November 18 that we were pregnant with you. We were elated!
On Monday, I went in to the doctor to have my blood levels checked to be sure everything was where it should be and were told that we could repeat the test in a week and once my levels reached 2500, we could have our first ultrasound. In the mean time, we traveled to South Dakota to spend Thanksgiving with my family and to tell all of them the good news. We were torn between telling the world about you and keeping our news quiet. We decided though that the people we wanted to tell were the people that would be genuinely happy for us and they would also be the same people that would be sad with us if anything bad happened.
I knew that you were due toward the end of July which kind of put a wrench on some summer plans since my brother was planning on getting married 07-07-07 and I would be unable to travel that late in my pregnancy. After we told all of them, everything got ironed out though and they planned the wedding for 05-27-07.
When we returned from our trip to South Dakota my levels were high enough to have an ultrasound. So, we went in and were very nervous to say the least. But, the ultrasound showed that everything was going really well and they changed my due date to August 1st. So, with a great ultrasound under our belts, we told more people about you.
The doctor told us that they wanted to repeat the ultrasound in two weeks just to be sure everything was still looking good. Our second ultrasound was unbelievable. We saw you! We saw your little heart beating. We saw your brain and spinal cord and we cried! We were so happy to see that everything appeared to be perfect with you. The ultrasound tech was even smiling when she saw how happy we were. We were so excited about seeing you that we asked for a couple of copies an ultrasound photo so we could give them away. We have some friends that are so very special to us, Lyle & Caren Finch, that we wanted to share one of the copies with. Their son was killed in a car accident a year before and they had said to us that they would never be grandparents. David and I assured them though that they would indeed be grandparents and so we bought a picture frame that said “Great Dads get promoted to Grandpa” and gave it to them with the ultrasound photo.
In preparation for my brother’s wedding, we took some time to order my bridesmaid dress. The dress was beautiful. It was a tea length dress with a halter neckline and the color was honeydew. Not knowing what size I would be, we ordered the dress four sizes larger so I would have “room to grow!”
In the mean time I had found out that a lady I worked with, Janice, had a daughter that was due about two weeks before I was. She and I had lots of fun talking about babies at work and about how great it was! Everything was going well, I was nauseous, I was hungry all the time and I had many other typical pregnancy symptoms. I was elated when I felt horrible because I knew that meant everything was going well in there. I remember feeling “good” one day and oh how that scared me. I had already placed many Bible verses on my computer screen to glance at throughout the day but it was an email from Mindy’s mom that brought me the most comfort in my worry.
Dear Sara, God has put you and that new little one in my heart to pray for.
I have even written you and the baby into my bible study notes so that I
don't forget to pray (I am working on my prayer skills :-). My eldest
daughter has not ever said anything about you being crazy but she has spoken
of her very dearest Wyoming friend who has made her life much fuller than it
has been in a while. You are a very wonderful friend and Mindy loves you
very much. I feel like I know you because of the many fun times that Mindy
shares with me that the two of you have had. Try not to worry too much
about your new little one, put the baby into God's hands and know that no
matter what, He has "the best" plan for both of your lives. God only wants
what is best for all of His children. With the "media" always telling us all
the "bad" news we get wrapped up in thinking about the "worst thing" that
can happen (especially if we have already experienced that), then we dwell
on "those things". If we truly follow God we have to undergo a "renewing of
the mind" and start making ourselves dwell on all the positive and good
things that God brings into our lives each and every day........it is SO
hard to do that in this day and age! I am trying to memorize the
"Whatevers".......Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are
true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things
are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if
there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on
these things.
I too forget to "mediate" on the good things of God. I tend to think in
terms of "worst case" but God is teaching me to remember the good things and
to believe that good is for me too! I have had my share of "bad things",
things that I didn't and still don't know why they happened to me, and I
think each of us has, but I have had so much more good than bad. I will
be "thinking and praying" about you and your baby each day throughout this
pregnancy. Part of my prayer will be that you know the care and protection
of the Father who loves all of us, His children. Love & Blessings,
Isabel aka Mindy’s mom
So, I went about my day and the rest of my week feeling ok until I heard on Wednesday, January 3, 2007 that Janice’s daughter had lost her baby. I was heart broken for them. I tried not to worry about you but how could I not? Everything was still going well so I really had no reason to worry.
And then it happened. It was Friday, January 5 and everything seemed to be normal until I went to the bathroom that afternoon. I was not bleeding but I knew that what I saw was not normal. I was terrified. I went back to my desk and tried not to cry. I sat there and a million different things crossed my mind. I knew that I was going to worry all weekend about it if I did not call the doctor’s office. So, I called the office and asked to speak to Leah, a friend of mine that assists Dr. Storey. She was very cheery and asked me what was up. I could not help but cry. I sobbed when she asked me if everything was ok. I told her what had happened and she told me she would call me back in a few minutes and let me know if they could get me in for an ultrasound. It seemed like it took forever to hear back but she did call and told me to head down to have an ultrasound so we would know what was happening before the weekend.
I was on my way out of the office and knew I needed to tell someone why I was leaving so I pulled Janice out into the hallway with me. I let her know what had happened and what was about to happen. She told me that she was going to take me to my appointment and then asked me if I had talked to David yet. I said that I had not but I was planning on calling him on my way. So, I dialed his number and when he answered I tried to fight off the tears but I was unsuccessful. I told him what had happened and told him that he needed to meet me for the ultrasound. Janice and I arrived before David did and I was taken back to a room by the same tech that had done our second ultrasound. I told her what had happened and she said, “Maybe it’s just a false alarm!” I tried to find comfort in those words.
David got there and came back to the room where I was. I remember watching the screen as she did the ultrasound and hoping that we would see that everything was ok. She did some measurements and you only measured at 8.5 weeks and I was nearly 12. She tried to listen to your heartbeat but there was nothing. I was trying my best to lay still for her but I know I was shaking as I cried. David just sat in silence with tears in his eyes. I think the worst part came when the tech looked me in the eye and told me that she needed to go get the doctor. We had been told before that if things did not look good on an ultrasound it was required that a doctor come in and review it. The doctor came in and they tried again to see or hear a heartbeat and did a few other things and then he said it…I do not remember everything that he said I only remember him asking me if I understood what was happening. He indicated that there was no heartbeat, that you had stopped growing and he called it “fetal demise.”
They told me that they needed to write up the information about the ultrasound and then they would send me upstairs to talk to Dr. Storey. After a few minutes, Janice came back to the room with us and then Leah came down too. We went upstairs and Dr. Storey came in to talk about what the next steps could be. I decided that I wanted to have a D&E again because I had seen you and I did not want to have to miscarry at home. Dr. Storey scheduled my surgery for the very next day and sent us on our way to get some post-surgery prescriptions. He also mentioned some steps that we could take after the surgery. I was high risk now so they could definitely justify more tests and a higher level of care the next time.
On our way home we passed our pastor’s wife. I waved to her and no more than 5 minutes after we got home the phone rang. It was her. She asked me if I was ok and I told her what had happened. She said, “Oh Sara, I was hoping you just looked tired.” Later on as I was on the phone with my mom, there was a knock on the door. It was our pastor. He had talked to his wife and knew what had happened. Not long after he got there, there was another knock. It was Tamra Jackson. Our pastor could not stay long but he did say that he wanted to pray with us before he left. So, as we sat on the couch he attempted to pray. David and I were so crushed that we just cried. As he began to speak he started to cry as well. The reality of the situation was really becoming more apparent and harder to handle as the minutes passed. Throughout the evening more of our friends came to visit us, Gene & Kerry Hood, Lyle & Caren Finch and Mindy. Some moments of the evening were horribly hard. I remember looking at our guests at one point and saying to them that no matter what happened in the future it did not matter because I wanted that baby!
David and I went to bed early that night because we knew that the next day was going to be a hard one and we needed our rest. David’s mom and some of our friends were going to go with us to the hospital for my surgery. So, to bed we went. Everything hit us again. We cried together and just laid there in each other’s arms.
The next morning I woke up at around 5 but laid in bed until after my alarm went off at 6. I tried to fight off the tears as I laid there but once my alarm went off on I began to cry again. The song that was playing was “Healing Rain” –
Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long
Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name
Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain
And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am
Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
To be washed in Heaven's rain...
Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...
I cried more that morning and felt emptier than I had ever felt before. I called my mom and told her what had happened so far that morning and she told me that David and I needed to say our goodbyes to you before we went in to the hospital for the surgery. So, once I got off of the phone with her we both put our hands on my stomach and told you how much we loved you and how much we were going to miss you.
David’s mom got to our house and we went on our way to the hospital. When we arrived the nurse told me right away that my friends were already in my hospital room waiting for me. I walked in to the smiling faces of Mindy, Kerry Hood and Tamra Jackson. As the morning progressed we all talked and laughed together and played cards. More visitors made their way to my room, Janice, Amanda Carson, and my pastor’s wife. So, when Dr. Storey came in he was quite surprised to see so many people there with me. Before I went in for surgery I wanted someone to say a prayer. After we prayed, I realized that the anesthesiologist had given me something and as they wheeled me out I said to everyone, “I’m not going to lie, I’m feeling a little loopy!”
The next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room. I vaguely remember asking Dr. Storey if they saw you and he told me there was just a lot of tissue and that there was really nothing that was significant. After a while they brought me back to my room and I was able to go home not long after that.
David and his mom made chicken enchiladas for us to eat that evening and so we invited the Hudsons over. Dinner was nice and it was good to have friends around. We had decided that we were going to go to church the next day. We knew that it was going to be very hard but we felt like we needed to be there. So, we got there and sat down. I did not want people to look at me and I did not want to talk about it. Then Mindy came to me and said that Karla Oligschlaeger was in the back of the church and wanted to come give me a hug and wondered if that was ok. I said that would be fine and the next thing I knew I was being hugged from behind and was once again overwhelmed by grief.
As church began I knew that there was no way that I was going to be able to sing any of the songs but it did comfort me to listen to Mindy singing them. When we did the congregational prayer someone prayed aloud for us and that made it hurt all the more. I made a decision during the service though that David and I should take the week off from work and just go away to South Dakota for a few days. David agreed that getting away would probably be good for us so we made plans to leave Tuesday morning and we would return on Friday afternoon.
So, we made the preparations and packed up our things for our trip. We left Tuesday mid-morning and arrived to my parents’ house Tuesday evening. I called to chat with Mindy about her day and she told me that her day was pretty busy and that the kids did not get naps because of it. The conversation wound down and we hung up. Not long after that, my phone rang again and it was Mindy. She called me to tell me that she had lied to me. She said that she had told me that they were just busy and that the kids did not get naps but that was not the entire story. She asked me if I had access to my work email. I told her that I did and that I would probably be checking it while we were on our trip. She begged me not to check it because there was an email from her mom and that it was very important to her that I did not read it because the contents were really something that she needed to talk to me about in person. I promised her that I would not read the email but would wait to talk to her when I returned to Cheyenne.
I had every intention of keeping my promise to Mindy. I was also racking my brain trying to figure out what would be so important that she needed to tell me in person. Curiosity got the best of me and I read the email. The subject was “A Favor”
Dear Sara, I am writing for two reasons. First I want to tell you how
sorry I am that you lost your baby. I will NOT ever understand why God
allows thing to happen to us that are sometimes almost unbearable. My heart
breaks for you and David. The second reason I am writing is to tell you
the story of a person who loves you so much......you can not know how much.
You see, a few weeks ago Mindy went to the doctor for some female issues
and she found out that she was expecting a baby. Her and Matt decided not
to tell anyone for several reasons. They had NOT planned on Mindy getting
pregnant so soon and they did not want to take any joy away from you and
David. The only reason that I found out was because I know my daughter well
enough to know when she is lying to me. When she found out that you were
losing your baby, all she could think about was how her pregnancy was going
to effect you. She was so upset, she was beside herself with worry. She
knew how difficult it was for you when she was pregnant with Maylie.
The reason I am telling you all of this (I know my daughter will probably be
VERY upset with me) is because Mindy is alone right now, driving herself to
the emergency room.......because she is miscarrying her own baby. She
started spotting a couple of days ago and now she is losing her child too.
I think it is because of all the stress she was experiencing. Matt is at
work right now and she can't reach him so she has Maylie with her because
she had no one to watch her. Mindy needs someone to be there for her too,
I don't think her or Matt will tell you, knowing what you have been through,
but my daughter needs you. Most of all I want you to know that my daughter
has put you above herself, thinking only about how you will feel and how you
will react to this pregnancy. She was so excited that the two of you would
be pregnant together. When you lost your baby all she could think of was
you. I thought you, being Mindy’s closest friend in Wyoming should know.
Love & Blessings, Isabel
I remember reading the email and noticing just a two significant words…pregnant and miscarrying. We did not even know that she was pregnant. Apparently no one did. I was torn to pieces not because I was upset about not knowing but because I was not there for Mindy. I called Mindy right away and confessed that I was a big, fat liar and that I had read the email.
Because of everything that happened with Mindy miscarrying we decided to cut our trip to South Dakota short and we headed home on Thursday to be there for Mindy. It was good for me to be with someone else that was going through what I was going through at that exact time.
As time passed, the physical pain went away and David and I were more able to think about healing emotionally. This miscarriage was a lot harder for him than the other two had been because he had seen the baby. So, we started taking the walk toward healing together.
My post-op appointment was scheduled for a few weeks after the surgery and David was able to go with me. At the appointment, Dr. Storey told us that he had never seen a hospital room with so many people in it! Then we went over the how are you feeling questions and Dr. Storey asked us where we wanted to go from there. He explained that the first step would be to simply take my blood and check it for common problems. The step after that would be genetic testing and from what Dr. Storey indicated, genetic testing may be able to tell us if there was anything wrong but the things that are discovered most times are not treatable. So, we decided to have my blood drawn that day to check for the more treatable problems. They took 12 tubes of my blood in order to run all of the tests.
A few weeks later I got a call from Dr. Storey about my blood tests. He said everything looked pretty good with all of the tests. The only thing that was questionable was my Protein C level. He explained that Protein C is an anti-coagulant and if someone is deficient there could be micro-vascular coagulation problems. He further explained that a deficiency could make it difficult or even impossible for a placenta to attach itself to a uterus because the mother’s body would essentially not allow it because the blood clots too much. The good news with a Protein C deficiency is that it can most likely be remedied with a baby aspirin a day to thin the blood. Dr. Storey said that in order for us to be certain that I did or did not have a deficiency they would have to re-take my blood in three months. I was very happy to have a possible answer but at the same time, I was sad that we had not discovered this possible solution before any of the miscarriages.
In the mean time, we were getting quite eager to start trying again. I did not want to start trying without having an aspirin a day in my system so I called the doctor to see if I should wait to start taking the aspirin until after they retested me and therefore not start trying again until after the three months was up. Dr. Storey said I should start taking the aspirin and they would still retest me in three months and if I ended up pregnant before then they would just assume that I was in fact Protein C deficient and continue with the baby aspirin a day.
So, that is where we are today. I have started taking the baby aspirin and am not pregnant as of yet. I have realized once again that I do not know what the right answer is for David and me in this instance. I would love to have a baby. I want so much to see what he or she will look like and who they will act like. I still cry sometimes when I think about what could have been and about how it just is not fair that I have three of you in heaven waiting for me. I want to see you. I want to hold you. I want to watch you grow up. I know though that is not possible and that I have to wait until I get to heaven to see you. I know that you are in the best hands up there though. I try not to get angry anymore. I try to accept the life that I am living and most days I think I am ok at accepting. I have made an appointment with a specialist in Ft. Collins, Colorado just to see if there is anything more he can do for us and hopefully he can help get us pregnant.
In the meantime, we just wait. Losing each of you has forever changed me. I do not ever want to forget what each of you meant and still mean to me which is why I believe this is still so hard for me. There are so many people besides me and David who love each of you and for that I am grateful. Losing a baby is something that should never happen to anyone but it does. It even happens three times in a row! I have faith though that the things I experienced throughout all of this have in some way made me a better person. I do not think there will come a day that I will not miss you. I hope there will not ever be a day when I do not think about each of you. The people I have met throughout all of this and the friendships that have started and grown are more wonderful than I could ever express to anyone.
I know that God has a plan more wonderful than I can imagine for my life. The hard part is waiting to see what that plan is and enduring the trials in the meantime. My dear friend Tamra Jackson has told me more than once that even though I am going through some major “valleys” in my life right now, God has a “mountain top” with my name on it and someday I will be on top of that mountain holding a baby, standing next to my husband who loves me more than anything in the world, and we will be rejoicing with all of those people who have loved and supported us. Tamra wrote me the following email on a day that I was struggling.
God to the rescue-
Sara you are loved by the Supreme Ruler and Master of the universe more than you will ever know or be able to fathom. Jesus does not want to see you sad, hurting or kicked in the gut. He feels your pain and understands your disappointment. He does not discount this or minimize the hurt and disappointment you are feeling. He wants you to share your deepest most inner feelings from the bottom of your soul with Him. You are walking in God’s will every step and your walk is a very difficult one right now. Every step you take makes God very proud of you. When your days are done on this earth He is going to hold you in His arms face to face and say well done my child.
I am led to lead you to Hebrews 12. This is not my writing-all the glory to God.
This is from me---when you guys are standing on the mountain top with a tiny little one in all its wonder—we are all going to stand there with you guys and smile until our faces crack. It will be awesome beyond words. It is worth the heartache, disappointment, disbelief, not understanding why and most of all, the wait. The baby will come in God’s perfect timing.
I love you my friend! I am taking some of your pain and replacing it with a tiny little sliver of peace.
In addition to those wonderful words of encouragement from her, I have found great comfort in Romans 5: 3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
There is a song that titled “Blessed Be Your Name.” I have always liked this song but since I miscarried the third time I have been unable to sing it. As soon as the music begins I start to cry and I shake through the entire thing. Although the song is very difficult for me to sing, the message included in the lyrics has made a lasting impression in my life. I realize that there will be suffering in my life and that God gives and takes away; I am working on the rest of it. I do not know that I will ever get to the place in my life where I will be able to say “thank you” to Him for what I have gone through but as I said before, I know He has a plan for me.
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
The only other thing that I would add to this is the story below. There have been so many times throughout all of this that I knew I could not continue but God is always faithful and as much as I may have not wanted to, I have continued pedaling!
Pedal
At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited Heaven or Hell when I die. He was out there sort of like the president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn’t really know Him.
But later on when I recognized my Higher Power, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride. But it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that God was in the back helping me pedal.
I don’t know just when it was that He suggested that we change places. But life has just not been the same since. Life with my Higher Power, that is. God makes life exciting!
When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable. It was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places and at breakneck speeds: it was all I could do to hang on! Even thought it looked like madness, He said: “Pedal!”
I worried and was anxious and asked, “Where are you taking me?” He laughed and didn’t answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I would say, “I’m scared”, He would lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey: our journey, God’s and mine.
And we were off again. He said, “Give the gifts away, they’re extra baggage, too much weight.” So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.
I did not trust Him at first, in control of my life. I thought He would wreck it. But He knows bike secrets, He knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages.
And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest of places, and I am beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, my Higher Power.
And when I’m sure I just can’t do any more, He just smiles and says…”
Pedal”.
Author Unknown.
