Dreams about you

Hello little one. Well, today is another day and I am happy to report that I did make it out to see you the other day. That made my heart and head happy.

I don't know what is up right now, but I've been dreaming about you a lot lately. I don't know if it is the holidays or what it is, but you are obviously on my mind. I wish I could say the dreams make me happy, but they don't. Let me explain. About a week ago I had a dream that you were here and one of our family members was holding you. But then when I wanted to hold you, you were gone. So I spent a lot of time after that (in my dream) looking for you but couldn't find you. Then last night I had a dream that you were here too. And I was able to hold you and kiss you and show you off to people. Here's the catch though, you were still dead. I was pushing a dead baby around in a stroller. I was showing you off to everyone, all of our friends and family. I got to a point in my dream where I asked my friend, Beth if she would help me on the next day to bring you to the funeral home because I didn't think I could do it alone.

I am trying not to over think it. But my heart is telling me that even if you were here, you would still be dead. And as much as I want to have you with me, it would not be a good thing if you were here considering your little body has been gone for 16 months now. I know it is creepy. I know I probably sound crazy. I don't know why I dream these things. But I do know that I always wake up missing you more when I have them.

And to top it off, when you daddy and I went to bed last night I told him that today is your 16 month birthday. Well, guess what...it's not. =- ( Yesterday was. I am sorry I missed it. I can't believe everything that has happened in the last 16 months. I can't believe how life has changed yet stayed the same. I've been blessed beyond measure. I am surrounded still by people that mention your name. I am surrounded by people who will still let me be sad and for that I am EXTREMELY grateful. I have people around me that will laugh with me too. I'm blessed. I also get to go home every day to two little girls that smile at me, depend on me and love me with all of their sweet little hearts.

World's Worst Mom

Hi Carter.

Well, let me start with the positives. We just celebrated Christmas and your big sister had a blast. Your little sister, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to it all. But what can you expect for a first Christmas right?!? We had a very nice time with your Nana and Bumpa. And we even had some unexpected visitors when you Grandpa, Grandma and Uncle showed up. It was fast and furious. It was crazy busy. It was a great couple of days.

Then it happened...last night I was putting our Christmas stuff away (early I know) and when I was putting your ornaments away I realized something...

I didn't go visit you on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. And it had taken me until around 4pm on the 26th to even realize it. =- ( I felt, and still feel, horrible. The worst part of it is, I still haven't gotten out there and it's 1:30 on the 27th. I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!

In reality there is no excuse for my forgetfulness. I feel horrible about it. I didn't forget about you, I promise! I thought about you a lot! I don't even know what to say other than I am super, duper sorry and I will do everything in my power to never let it happen again. I would like to make excuses by saying we were busy and that time just got away from me. And that is the truth, but I still forgot to visit you. =- (

I am going to hopefully leave work a few minutes early today so I can go see you before I pick your sisters up. I love you little one and I am so sorry!

Merry? Christmas

Hi little one.

Well, today is Christmas Eve Eve (aka December 23rd). I have been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple of days. That seems to be a dangerous thing for me lately! ;- )

I have a physical ache. My stomach is in knots. I don't feel horribly sad, at least that's not how I would describe it. I just have "that" feeling in my stomach today. Not a sad feeling per se...more of an empty and aching feeling. A feeling like something/someone is missing but shouldn't be. =- ( Does that make sense? I just miss you. I was thinking while I drove to work today. I realized something. I don't want to be in heaven with you. I like my life here on Earth. But, I want you here with me. And that's what hurts. I don't want you to be up there! I want to be grumbling at you and Hannah because you are not sharing your toys. I want to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I want to give you kiss upon kiss upon kiss. That's what hurts. I hate that I will (for the second year) go to the cemetery on Christmas morning just to spend a little time with you.

I am excited for your sisters to experience Christmas. Hannah is super excited and wants a kitchen more than she can tell you. And little Abigail, well...she's here and she's alive and well. For that I am grateful!

So, if I don't get a chance to write to you again before then...Merry Christmas in heaven, Carter. I love you and miss you with all of my heart!

One of those days again

Hey you. Well I wish it wasn't, but it is one of those days again. I'd like to say I don't know what triggered it, but I think I do. I'm almost embarrassed to say what though. I think I'm struggling today because I read your story again. =- ( Part of me doesn't understand how that could make me sad. But the other part of me can't shake the lump in my throat, the pain in my heart and the knot in my tummy.

When I read it, I couldn't help but go back to that day...those days. And when I read it, I felt it all over just like it felt then. How is that possible? How could it be that even though we are nearly 16 months post-loss and I can still remember those feelings and they just pop right back into me?

I feel somewhat guilty about it. I feel horrible about it. I should think of you and feel happy, but today I feel crushed. Today I feel sick and that's not something I like to admit. I want to always feel happy about you. You have taught me so much and you have changed me...every part of me.

So how can something so wonderful tear me up like it does?

It's because you aren't here. It's because I think about everything that happened. I think about everything that has happened since then and about the person I have become.

I think about the question...the "Would you change anything?" question. That is so very complicated. I can't answer that in any way that would be sufficient for my own heart. Because for me to answer that question, one would have to take into account a lot of things. You would need to consider changing the story of my life and the story of my kids. You see, if I hadn't miscarried in January of 2005, May of 2005 and January of 2007 I wouldn't have your big sister. And if I hadn't lost you, I wouldn't have your little sister. I don't want to think about not having your sisters. And as much as I have come to terms with my miscarriages, I don't know that I'll ever truly come to terms with losing you.

So, I just pray that no one ever asks me that dreaded question. And if it does come up. My heart tells me to leave it unanswered since there is no answer good enough. All I know is, my six pregnancies - including 3 miscarriages, one stillbirth and two living, breathing, beautiful daughters is what makes Sara, Sara. Even with as ugly as that may be and with as many horrible, painful tears I have cried...it is me. That is Sara. =- ( I wouldn't have chosen that story for myself and I am grateful that I didn't see any of it coming. I guess God really has watched out for me through it all. And even though I can't see straight sometimes, God is there and He is walking beside me every second of every day.

She's 3!

Well, I can't believe I'm saying this but your big sister, Hannah Lynn, is 3 years old now! Her birthday was on the 13th but we've been celebrating off and on since the 3rd. It's hard for me to believe but it's true. When I think back to the day she was born it seems surreal. She was a long awaited little baby and when she got here, your daddy and I were over the moon! She brings so much fun into our lives. She is funny. She is loving. She is sweet. She is smart. She is everything I could ever want in a kiddo and more!

She still talks about you and knows that you are with Jesus. I love that!

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter that loves me like she does.

Why?

Ugh.

To say that I'm sad is an understatement. To say that I'm mad would be too.

Today I found out that one of my very best friends, Rhonda, has cancer (again) and is going to die.

I met her when your daddy and I moved to Wyoming (seven years ago). We worked together at a bank. She was a friend at first, but now is more of a big sister to me. In 2007 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and fought like crazy to beat it. The day your big sister was born she was still receiving treatments. She was cancer free for a while but struggled immensely with other health issues as a result of the chemo.

The day you were born, she was there to hold you. And after everyone else left the hospital that night around 3am...she stayed. She's the one that stayed until after we gave you away. She stayed to be sure we were ok.

Just this July she turned 40. Just 40! Then today, she wrote this:

ok...so I was going to wait until the new year to spill the beans, but Elizabeth Edwards death hit me hard and made me realize we don't know how much time we have on this earth. So here goes...my breast cancer has metastasized to my lung(s). I am fine and feeling fine. My family is hurting and taking it pretty hard.... Please keep them in your prayers. Thanks for all your love and support!!

OH MY GOD!

I called her as soon as I read it. We talked and talked. She told me that the cancer isn't curable. She told me that she's not going to go through treatment because it would not matter in the long run and that she wanted to have QUALITY over quantity of life. I know people will judge her for her decision not to go through treatment and they will say she's selfish. But isn't it more selfish for us to want her to be horribly sick and struggle through chemo and whatever else again? She has told her doctor that she doesn't want a time-line because she doesn't want it hanging over her head.

Bottom-line, she's going to die and she just wants to make the most of the time she has left. She is so brave. She told me that she knows where she is going when she dies and that she's ok with it. She has a greater faith than I could ever imagine having.

I feel so sad for her family. I feel so sad for me. I know it's not about me. I know she just needs love from me and the rest of your family. And love her I will! But, right now I'm mad. I'm mad that God would let this happen. I'm mad that my friend is going to die and I'm mad that I'll never get to call her up to just chit-chat or have lunch again. I'm heartbroken that your sisters won't grow up knowing her. I'M MAD! Mad is the nice way of putting it actually. I'm freakin' pissed. I'm pissed that a person who has always been there for me will not be anymore. I know...God is there for me...blah blah blah...that seems like a cliche thing to say. I know God is there but COME ON!

I will come to terms with this and I'm sure Rhonda will help with that. But for right now I'm mad and being mad brings all sorts of yucky emotions up from my gut. ARGH!

Missing you

Hey you. Well let me first say how sorry I am that it has taken me so long to write to you again. I've missed you like crazy and life has been nuts. Life with two kiddos in the house is much different than it was before your little sister was born. Those two little girls definitely keep me busy and make me smile each and every day.

Just the other day I had a rough time though. I don't know what it was but I missed you so much that it hurt. I had that yucky lump in my throat and my chest just felt tight. I cried and I haven't done that in quite some time. I decided since I was missing you so much that I would go visit you. It was nice to go out there, but then I was even more sad when I drove up and saw that your headstone was covered in snow. I felt bad that I hadn't been there to clean it off before then. It is clean for now though. On my way to work after I left from seeing you, I saw many flocks of geese. Seeing them always makes me happy and I always think of you. I know you are up there looking down on your family and I like to think that you send those geese right when you know I'll need them.

I was looking online today and saw the most amazing thing. A woman named Elizabeth Edwards died just the other day and oddly enough, she lost a son a while back too and now she lost her battle with cancer. The thing that struck me though is what she said about her life. I like to think that hopefully your sisters will say something similar about me when I'm gone. She said:

"I do know that when they are older, and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way - and it surely has not - she adjusted her sails."

She also said, "If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and... that's a great, great gift."

I will always remember you. I will always encourage others to remember you too. It's hard though because the farther away from your birth/death we get, the less people talk about you. I will always say I have three children. I will never deny you no matter how it makes other people feel. You matter. You always have and you always will.

I think things are probably harder right now with the holidays coming up and I acknowledge that. I wonder if I will ever be able to make it through these months without crying. I wonder if I will ever be able to sing all of Silent Night again. Singing "Sleep in Heavenly Peace" absolutely kills me. Even just hearing that on the radio is difficult.

So, here I am...on the 8th of December 2010...a mommy to you and your sisters here on Earth and I still feel somewhat lost. I guess that sail adjustment needs to be a constant thing. I'm working on it! ;- ) I love you!