Birthday

Hi little one.

Well, today is your mommy's birthday. It's definitely not like any other birthday I've had in all of my 29 years. I love my birthday, that will never change, but this one is just different. No mommy ever sees herself waking up on her birthday morning thinking about when she'll get to visit her baby's grave that day. No mommy ever thinks she'll have a buried baby instead of a live one to love on for her special day. But that's my day. That's where I am today. I woke up and was sad. I got to work and I was sad.

But then I had so many wonderful, loving messages from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday. I got to talk to some of those people and they seem to always know how to make me feel better. So many of them have also been "this mommy"...they are "this mommy". They are either awaiting their first birthday without their babies or they have experienced it and can say to me, yup, it's hard, and I love you. What a blessing those mommies are to me.

Then some of my other friends took me out to lunch for my birthday (your daddy came too :) ). It was nice to sit and chat with my buddies. Then at the end of our meal, our server and a bunch of other servers came out, sang happy birthday to me, and gave me an ice cream sundae. It was wonderful. I apparently turned quite red when they came walking out and while they sang, my friends just giggled at how embarrassed I was. ;) (People don't see me like that much!)

After they were done singing to me and they all walked away I just started crying. My friends, and your sweet daddy, just sat there and let me shed those tears that so desperately needed to fall. I was so touched by my friends being so wonderful to me. I was touched that they had those people come sing to me. And I was thinking again about being "that mommy" who is dealing with the loss of her baby. They understood that. They understood that I just needed to cry a little bit and that I would be ok afterward. Sure enough, after that we laughed some more, especially when I said how awkward it would have been if I had started crying while those people were singing to me. ;)

To have people in my life like them makes this world a better place. To have friends and family who tell me that I am a blessing, and that they love that I am in their lives, makes this road a little easier to walk down. I am truly blessed, Carter. Truly blessed. One of my friends said to me that I need to remember that you re sitting on Jesus' lap and that you and He are singing happy birthday to me. What an honor to have a son sitting with Jesus thinking of me on my special day. Thank you Carter. I love you!

So Much Better

Hey you. Well, I wanted to let you know that your mommy is doing much better today than yesterday. I asked people to pray for me and I am sure that did indeed happen. Because today I am 150% better.

It is humbling to ask for help, Carter. But I think there is more freedom and you can find more strength if you do ask than if you try to trudge through life alone. There was one thing that one of your friends' mommies wrote to me that completely changed my outlook yesterday and I'm thinking about it even today. She said to me:

Don't let worry be the thing you remember about this pregnancy.

How wise is that? It is so true. I don't want to look back at this pregnancy 20 years from now and think, boy I was sure a mess because of worry the entire time. So, I am choosing once again (it's definitely a recurring choice for me, almost daily at times) to be grateful for every day with your little brother/sister inside of me.

There really is so much in life to be grateful for each and every day. Let's see...today I am thankful for:
Sunshine
God
Family
Friends
Prayers
Peace
A stable job
Good health

The list could go on and on.

I am truly grateful though. Truly, TRULY grateful for the love that is evident in my life on a daily basis. Thank you for being a part of those things I am so grateful for, Carter. You are one of my greatest blessings! I love you!

A Case of "The Worries"

Hey you. Good morning and I love you. I hope you are doing well up there. All is seemingly well here lately. But as we all know, things aren't always as they seem. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing really wrong. There is absolutely no reason I should be worried, but I am worried none the less. I am worried that your little brother/sister is going to end up with you instead of with me. I am trying to not let that thought consume me. I am trying to remind myself that:
1) Worry is like a rocking chair. It will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere.
2)Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. Matthew 6:27
3) Cord accidents (at least the severe ones) are rare.
and the list could go on and on...
But, I am still worried. I worry because this little one seems to be more like you in utero than your sister. Now, I am fully aware too that how a baby acts inside of a person isn't indicative of whether or not they will die. But I'm still worried.
I was a little encouraged this morning when I read my email and in one of the things I'm subscribed to had these two things to say:
"Praying is talking in confidence to the One who cares." --C. Hinton

Pray without ceasing. -- I Thessalonians 5:17

I guess maybe I'll just worry my way through the rest of this pregnancy. I hope not. And I know too that worrying is not giving God all the credit He deserves in knowing that He is in control. But, I also know that God wants me to go to Him with my worries and to lay down in His lap and rest in knowing that He loves me and will truly work good in my life.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -- Romans 8:28

Like our pastor said even this last weekend, God doesn't "cause all things" but IN all things He works for good. That is reassuring. (But I'm still worried) Anyway, I think you get my point, Carter. Your mommy is struggling a bit. I am struggling because I'm a grieving mommy who buried her son not even 8 months ago. And I'm a mommy who is pregnant after a loss. And anyone who has been in those shoes KNOWS it's not an easy path to trudge. I'm grateful, but I'm not hopeful. I'm excited, but I'm not because I know that everything may be ripped out from underneath me.

Just the other day someone asked me how I was. My response was "good". But that person took pretty great offense when I said that and proceeded to tell me that I needed to work more toward "great". My head and my heart were screaming ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? HOW CAN I BE "GREAT"? MY KID IS DEAD AND I'M TOTALLY FREAKED OUT BECAUSE I WONDER EVERY DAY IF THIS ONE IS GOING TO DIE TOO!!!! But I just smiled and said, "Well, I'm not doing poor and that's a good thing." People just don't get it. Part of me dreads seeing anyone who will draw attention to this pregnancy because that means they will ask questions and be excited, and even more than that...they'll expect me to be excited, over joyed, elated...all that stuff. But really all I am is existing. I'm not a crumpled up mess on the floor. But I'm not jumping for joy either. I will settle for mediocrity. But that's ok by me.

Well, thanks for listening sweet little one. I know that you are doing well up there. I know you have everything that you could ever need up there. That brings me peace and peace is a good thing. Take care Carter. I love you!

Another day

Hey you. :) I haven't written in a while, so I decided I'd better take some time to catch up with my favorite little boy. It's been a pretty uneventful week which is a good thing I guess. I'm 18 weeks pregnant today and that is a reason to celebrate. And, two weeks from today is my birthday. I don't know what we'll do for it, and I'm trying not to think much about the actual day because that will be my first birthday without you. I can't think all about how hard that day may be, because it may very well not be. I guess we'll just wait and see huh?

I got your name written in the sand last week. Here it is. I think it turned out wonderfully!

The people who do this live in Australia and they do a wonderful job. I'm going to have it printed so I can frame it and hang it up on the wall at our house. Maybe I'll print one for here at work too!

I went to see you yesterday morning and it made me really happy. I was just standing there next to you and the sun was shining, there was no wind, you could hear the birds chirping and there were airplanes flying in the sky. It was a beautiful day and it made me happy to know, once again, that you are buried in the perfect place. I couldn't ask for a better place for you to be resting.

Well little buddy, I guess I should get some work done. Have fun up there with your friends this weekend. I'm looking forward to hopefully having some time to relax. (We'll see if that actually happens!) I love you!