Hey Carter. I love you. I hope you are having a great day up in heaven. Are there seasons up there? It is a beautiful, Summer day here today and I wonder what it's like up there. Do you get to wear shorts? My mom/your nana didn't ever let us wear shorts unless it was going to be at least 65* that day. Does God let you wear whatever you want?
I wonder what you look like now. I wonder what you do on a daily basis. What do you think about? Do you look down and see us? It's such an abstract thing for me to try to wrap my head around. I don't know that thinking about and trying to figure it out is even something I should try to do. I know heaven is a place greater than anything I can imagine, but once...just once I would like to have a glimpse into your daily life.
I've been feeling a little anxious lately. In just 53 short days it will be your second birthday. It about makes me puke to even think about it. Last year I had all sorts of grand plans. And last year I looked very forward to your birthday. Last year I was excited for your little sister's arrival.
But this year. *sigh* This year I'm just sad and sick and torn up and anxious. This year I'm wondering what the right way to celebrate you is. This year I'm worried that I'll be so sad and feel like I'm stuck in a mud pit for your birthday and somehow, some way I am going to need to figure out how to get myself out by your sister's birthday just 3 short days later.
I should know by now that thinking about it and worrying about it won't make a lick of a difference. Thinking about it will only make me sick. I can't stop though. I need to make some sort of a plan and I think I have started to anyway. I think we'll have a quiet dinner with us and Bumpa and Nana with a balloon release and some of my running buddies (I hope) are going to go on a run with me. It seems so insignificant. It seems like it's not enough. But it also feels like maybe I shouldn't celebrate it...maybe that's just the world's view being projected on me. And don't get me wrong, Carter...I will ALWAYS celebrate your birthday, but I think the rest of the world probably looks at me and wonders why in the name of heck is she going to celebrate his second birthday? Why does she still get upset about it?
I get upset because I miss you. I cry because I miss you. It takes my breath away to think that it will be 2 years...2 years since I held you. 2 years. And it's been 2 years of grieving. 2 years of getting up each and every morning and putting a smile on my face and making it through the day. 2 years of succeeding at surviving. 2 years of living my life while you are dead. 2 years of wondering and worrying about what people think of me. 2 years have passed and I'm certain there are many people who have forgotten you even existed.
I will never forget you, Carter. I know I don't need to tell you that, but maybe I needed to tell myself. Maybe I need to remind myself that even though it's been nearly 2 years I will NEVER EVER EVER forget you. I may forget how it physically felt to hold you (I haven't yet thank goodness!), but I'll never forget the emotions I felt when I held you and kissed your face and hugged you. And I'll never forget what you looked like thanks to the NILMDTS pictures we have. It has been many, many months since I have looked at the album and to tell you the truth, I don't know when I'll look at the whole thing again. But each and every day I look at the picture in the hallway and the picture in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and think of you.
So, I guess I should start making some tentative plans for your special day.
--------------------------------------
Ok, meltdown over.
I just got up from my desk and decided I needed to make a phone call. I realized while I was writing to you that I needed to ask for help. So I got up from my desk, with tears in my eyes, and called a friend of mine. The poor thing had no clue what was coming. We did the small talk thing for a minute or so and then I dropped the bomb on her. She wondered what I was doing and I said I was at work but was calling her because I realized I needed to reach out for help. After that I just told her flat out that I needed the help of her and another one of our friends in planning your birthday celebration. I told her I just couldn't do it. She is wonderful and didn't even hesitate to say yes. WHEW! I felt like a ten ton weight had been lifted from my shoulders. We kept talking for a while and I proceeded to completely fall apart. It was ok though. She just listened and said the perfect things at the perfect time. Thank God for good friends!
It never ceases to amaze me how much better I feel when I let people "in". Being vulnerable is a scary thing, Carter. Opening yourself up and being as raw as raw can be is a terrifying thing. I think, or maybe I just hope, people appreciate knowing what's going on in the lives of those they love and feeling needed is a good thing too. And let me tell you, I needed my friend. I needed to break down and know she cared. And I needed to be able to break down without her trying to fix it. We just talked about you and how wonderful you were. We talked about how much I miss you and how much you've changed me.
I know I've said it a thousand times before, but thank you for continuing to teach me, Carter. Thank you for teaching me to be vulnerable. Thank you for teaching me that reaching out for help is an ok thing.
I love you little boy. xoxoxo
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Budded here to bloom in Heaven
Hi Carter. I love you!
I'm sorry I am a day late in telling you this but - Happy 22 months in heaven! I can't believe it's been 22 months already. 22 months of no kisses. 22 months of no hugs. 22 months of no smiles and giggles and babbling. 22 months of missing you more than I ever thought I could miss anything in the entire world.
The reason I'm a day late in writing to you is because I was on a trip for work yesterday. I had to travel to Shoshoni, WY for a meeting. Let me tell you a little about Shoshoni, Carter. IT'S BORING! And IT'S A LONG DRIVE to get there. I left at 7 am, got there at 11:15, drove around the town to see what we would be talking about in our meeting, had a meeting for about an hour or so, grabbed some lunch and headed home. I got home at 5:15 pm and I was pooped!
Included in all of that driving was a lot of thinking about you. I don't know why I've been thinking so much about June 29th/your 22 month birthday so much lately. But I have. So I thought a lot about you and about missing you. It was really bizarre too when I got to Shoshoni and drove around. I was just driving with no real end point in mind and ended up on a county road that seemed to go to nowhere.
I started to turn around but was intrigued by the modular homes and the tall fence. So I decided to drive down the road a little farther to see what the reason for the fence was.
Down the road was a mushroom factory. Yeah, totally unimpressive I know. It was huge though and I wondered what in the name of heck there needed to be a massive mushroom factory in Shoshoni, WY for. (I have no clue still!)
Just past the mushroom factory on the left hand of the road was a cemetery. I decided I would drive in and see what I would see. Because I'm a crazy person who drives into cemeteries wondering if she'll see any headstones for babies. :-/ I don't know if that is a normal way of thinking but I think seeing those headstones makes me feel closer to you. Maybe it's because I've been wanting to visit you lately but haven't had the time to get out there. I don't know. All I know is that when I was driving through that cemetery I felt better. There were about five little roads I could have driven up but I chose to drive to the end of the cemetery and drive around the edge.
Then I saw it. I was driving and saw the headstone for a little boy.
A little boy just like you. A little boy who died 84 years ago. I saw the headstone, read what it said and was humbled once again. "Budded here to bloom in Heaven." Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Then I decided to take some time to just sit and looked at some news stories posted by NILMDTS.
I cried. I cried because that's our story. That's your story. I cried because those are the only memories I have of you while you were out of my belly and on this earth.
But it was ok. It was ok for me to cry. It was ok for me to sit in that safe place and miss you. My prayer as I left that cemetery is that someday, 84 years after your birth, someone will go to the cemetery where you are buried and wonder about you. I pray someone will wonder what you looked like and how you died. I pray that that person/people will think about how Carter Alan Janes dying probably broke his mommy and daddy's hearts into a million pieces. And I pray that whoever that person is will think fondly of you from then on when they drive by that cemetery or see the name Carter or see August 29th on the calendar.
I wish you had budded and bloomed here, but I'm glad that you have bloomed in a place where you will never wilt. I'm grateful that God is holding you in the palm of His hand. Thank Him for me please. I love you. xoxo
I'm sorry I am a day late in telling you this but - Happy 22 months in heaven! I can't believe it's been 22 months already. 22 months of no kisses. 22 months of no hugs. 22 months of no smiles and giggles and babbling. 22 months of missing you more than I ever thought I could miss anything in the entire world.
The reason I'm a day late in writing to you is because I was on a trip for work yesterday. I had to travel to Shoshoni, WY for a meeting. Let me tell you a little about Shoshoni, Carter. IT'S BORING! And IT'S A LONG DRIVE to get there. I left at 7 am, got there at 11:15, drove around the town to see what we would be talking about in our meeting, had a meeting for about an hour or so, grabbed some lunch and headed home. I got home at 5:15 pm and I was pooped!
Included in all of that driving was a lot of thinking about you. I don't know why I've been thinking so much about June 29th/your 22 month birthday so much lately. But I have. So I thought a lot about you and about missing you. It was really bizarre too when I got to Shoshoni and drove around. I was just driving with no real end point in mind and ended up on a county road that seemed to go to nowhere.
Down the road was a mushroom factory. Yeah, totally unimpressive I know. It was huge though and I wondered what in the name of heck there needed to be a massive mushroom factory in Shoshoni, WY for. (I have no clue still!)
Just past the mushroom factory on the left hand of the road was a cemetery. I decided I would drive in and see what I would see. Because I'm a crazy person who drives into cemeteries wondering if she'll see any headstones for babies. :-/ I don't know if that is a normal way of thinking but I think seeing those headstones makes me feel closer to you. Maybe it's because I've been wanting to visit you lately but haven't had the time to get out there. I don't know. All I know is that when I was driving through that cemetery I felt better. There were about five little roads I could have driven up but I chose to drive to the end of the cemetery and drive around the edge.
Then I saw it. I was driving and saw the headstone for a little boy.
I cried. I cried because that's our story. That's your story. I cried because those are the only memories I have of you while you were out of my belly and on this earth.
But it was ok. It was ok for me to cry. It was ok for me to sit in that safe place and miss you. My prayer as I left that cemetery is that someday, 84 years after your birth, someone will go to the cemetery where you are buried and wonder about you. I pray someone will wonder what you looked like and how you died. I pray that that person/people will think about how Carter Alan Janes dying probably broke his mommy and daddy's hearts into a million pieces. And I pray that whoever that person is will think fondly of you from then on when they drive by that cemetery or see the name Carter or see August 29th on the calendar.
I wish you had budded and bloomed here, but I'm glad that you have bloomed in a place where you will never wilt. I'm grateful that God is holding you in the palm of His hand. Thank Him for me please. I love you. xoxo
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sobbing
Why can't there be a way that I can wake up from this bad dream? Why do I have to sit here wondering why it hurts so bad to think about you? I don't understand it, Carter. I don't understand why even after 1 year 9 months 2 weeks and 1 day I can sob when I think about you being gone. I don't like hurting like this but I can't imagine not feeling like this either. I haven't cried like this in a VERY long time and I think in some ways it was long overdue.
I am at a conference for a couple of days and it has been good for me I think. Mainly because I feel completely unstable and it is probably a good thing I can have some time for myself to just fall apart without having to worry about your sisters or your daddy. I can just sit here and cry in my hotel room. I can weep because I miss you so much it makes my stomach churn. I can sit here and think about the things that "should be". All of the dreams that died when you did. All of the things I am missing by not having you here with me. I think about you right now and as much as I want to feel joy...I just can't. Today I just hurt. Today it makes me sick. And for today I guess that is ok. I was sitting at dinner tonight chit-chatting with a friend through work who knows we lost you and it made me super happy when she said your name. She asked about you and where you were buried. To hear someone say your name without me prompting it makes my mama's heart happy. She will likely never know what that meant to me. But I will be forever grateful to her for talking about my sweet little boy...you...my wonderful, amazing, perfect Carter Alan Janes. The sound of your name brings a smile to my face and to hear it makes me super happy. I think that is probably because it helps me to know that the entire world hasn't forgotten about you. Like I've said before, that is my greatest fear. I can't fathom a world without you in it...even if it is only through pictures and the occasional mention of your name, I'll take it.
I am sitting here writing to you and the tears are still falling. They are more sporadic than they were even five minutes ago, but they are falling none-the-less. I am listening to the playlist I have here on my blog to you and all of the songs bring tears to my eyes. These songs bring me right back to the time after we lost you. These songs include so many of the words I could never find a way to express. You are my wonderful, special boy. You deserve all of the wonderful things of this world yet you are gone.
I wonder at times if I am too sad. I wonder if I need to be on medication for this probable depression I feel. But then again I remind myself that most of the time I don't feel like this. I just don't know Carter. I don't know the right way to feel. I don't know if I am normal, but then again I've never been normal so what the heck can I compare myself to! ;- )
I guess the best thing I can do is ask people to pray for me. I need to humble myself enough to ask for prayers from the people who love me. Every time I have felt down in the past and have asked for prayers I have felt lifted up almost immediately and that is a good feeling. I know I need to fall at the feet of God. I feel like I have collapsed there though and I guess that is an ok thing. I can't stay on my feet all the time and knowing that I can collapse in a heap at the throne of the God of the universe is at least a little comforting. So pray for me, Carter. Put in a good word with God for your mama again ok? And send me angel kisses while I sleep please. I need to feel your presence. I love you so much. Good night.
I am at a conference for a couple of days and it has been good for me I think. Mainly because I feel completely unstable and it is probably a good thing I can have some time for myself to just fall apart without having to worry about your sisters or your daddy. I can just sit here and cry in my hotel room. I can weep because I miss you so much it makes my stomach churn. I can sit here and think about the things that "should be". All of the dreams that died when you did. All of the things I am missing by not having you here with me. I think about you right now and as much as I want to feel joy...I just can't. Today I just hurt. Today it makes me sick. And for today I guess that is ok. I was sitting at dinner tonight chit-chatting with a friend through work who knows we lost you and it made me super happy when she said your name. She asked about you and where you were buried. To hear someone say your name without me prompting it makes my mama's heart happy. She will likely never know what that meant to me. But I will be forever grateful to her for talking about my sweet little boy...you...my wonderful, amazing, perfect Carter Alan Janes. The sound of your name brings a smile to my face and to hear it makes me super happy. I think that is probably because it helps me to know that the entire world hasn't forgotten about you. Like I've said before, that is my greatest fear. I can't fathom a world without you in it...even if it is only through pictures and the occasional mention of your name, I'll take it.
I am sitting here writing to you and the tears are still falling. They are more sporadic than they were even five minutes ago, but they are falling none-the-less. I am listening to the playlist I have here on my blog to you and all of the songs bring tears to my eyes. These songs bring me right back to the time after we lost you. These songs include so many of the words I could never find a way to express. You are my wonderful, special boy. You deserve all of the wonderful things of this world yet you are gone.
I wonder at times if I am too sad. I wonder if I need to be on medication for this probable depression I feel. But then again I remind myself that most of the time I don't feel like this. I just don't know Carter. I don't know the right way to feel. I don't know if I am normal, but then again I've never been normal so what the heck can I compare myself to! ;- )
I guess the best thing I can do is ask people to pray for me. I need to humble myself enough to ask for prayers from the people who love me. Every time I have felt down in the past and have asked for prayers I have felt lifted up almost immediately and that is a good feeling. I know I need to fall at the feet of God. I feel like I have collapsed there though and I guess that is an ok thing. I can't stay on my feet all the time and knowing that I can collapse in a heap at the throne of the God of the universe is at least a little comforting. So pray for me, Carter. Put in a good word with God for your mama again ok? And send me angel kisses while I sleep please. I need to feel your presence. I love you so much. Good night.
Hey little one
I love you!
It's Monday again and life for your family has been busy, but that's not a bad thing I guess. This weekend your daddy helped Nana and Bumpa build a garage and I participated in my third triathlon for the summer. It was a busy weekend and I'm tired today but I'm glad that your daddy was able to help and I am very happy I got to do another tri.
I love getting the opportunity to exercise. It is one of the only things I get to do for myself and it helps me immensely. It helps me to feel better about my physical self and it helps me feel much better mentally too. I was telling someone just yesterday actually that exercising is probably one of the best things I can do for your sisters. I take a lot of pride in exercising and I love the time I get to spend with my friends. Running/biking/swimming gives me time to clear my head when I'm upset. If I'm feeling sad or upset I can go on a run and I'll almost always feel better when I get back.
I have actually been in a funk again lately. I am going through the stupid anger stage of grief. I just haven't been on the same page as God lately and I've been questioning His reasoning and rationale in this path I'm on. Basically, I'm ticked off. I'm mad again that you are gone. I don't understand why in the name of heck you are gone. Now granted...I know physically why you are gone. Of course I know that...but WHY? why are you gone? Why is it fair that you are not here with me? Why is it fair that I have to think about you being dead? So, that's where I've been again lately. And I was thinking a lot about that this weekend. I thought about it a lot on my way to the tri yesterday and I was angry even before the race started. I did get to share with a complete stranger about you when she asked the seemingly innocent question of "How many kids do you have?" People really don't know how to respond when I say I have two living kiddos. So I got to tell her about you and that made me happy.
The thing that amazed me though is that I was super upset before the race but after the race I didn't feel angry anymore. I felt some peace again. I think it's crazy that something as simple as running my hiney off can clear my head and make the world seem like a better place.
I wish you could be there to watch me race though, buddy. I take a lot of pride in racing and I take a lot of pride in having your big sister cheering for me. I just wish you could see me. I would love to take you running with me. I would love to have you smile and yell "Go Mama!" when I ran past you in a race. I wouldn't run past before giving you a kiss and a hug though because that's what life is all about!
Life, to me anyway, is about the people and the relationships that I have. Life is about smiling and making people smile. Life is about waking up in the morning and living in a way that I can go to bed at night and feel good about who I am as a person. I go to bed every night knowing that I have tried my best to be the best person I can be. I want to be someone that your sisters and Daddy can be proud of. I want to be the kind of mommy that I think you would brag to your friends in heaven about. And I want to be the "Sara" that I think I should be.
Well little one, I suppose I should catch up on some other things. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for always being on my mind. And thank you for being the best son a mommy could ask for. I love you!
It's Monday again and life for your family has been busy, but that's not a bad thing I guess. This weekend your daddy helped Nana and Bumpa build a garage and I participated in my third triathlon for the summer. It was a busy weekend and I'm tired today but I'm glad that your daddy was able to help and I am very happy I got to do another tri.
I love getting the opportunity to exercise. It is one of the only things I get to do for myself and it helps me immensely. It helps me to feel better about my physical self and it helps me feel much better mentally too. I was telling someone just yesterday actually that exercising is probably one of the best things I can do for your sisters. I take a lot of pride in exercising and I love the time I get to spend with my friends. Running/biking/swimming gives me time to clear my head when I'm upset. If I'm feeling sad or upset I can go on a run and I'll almost always feel better when I get back.
I have actually been in a funk again lately. I am going through the stupid anger stage of grief. I just haven't been on the same page as God lately and I've been questioning His reasoning and rationale in this path I'm on. Basically, I'm ticked off. I'm mad again that you are gone. I don't understand why in the name of heck you are gone. Now granted...I know physically why you are gone. Of course I know that...but WHY? why are you gone? Why is it fair that you are not here with me? Why is it fair that I have to think about you being dead? So, that's where I've been again lately. And I was thinking a lot about that this weekend. I thought about it a lot on my way to the tri yesterday and I was angry even before the race started. I did get to share with a complete stranger about you when she asked the seemingly innocent question of "How many kids do you have?" People really don't know how to respond when I say I have two living kiddos. So I got to tell her about you and that made me happy.
The thing that amazed me though is that I was super upset before the race but after the race I didn't feel angry anymore. I felt some peace again. I think it's crazy that something as simple as running my hiney off can clear my head and make the world seem like a better place.
I wish you could be there to watch me race though, buddy. I take a lot of pride in racing and I take a lot of pride in having your big sister cheering for me. I just wish you could see me. I would love to take you running with me. I would love to have you smile and yell "Go Mama!" when I ran past you in a race. I wouldn't run past before giving you a kiss and a hug though because that's what life is all about!
Life, to me anyway, is about the people and the relationships that I have. Life is about smiling and making people smile. Life is about waking up in the morning and living in a way that I can go to bed at night and feel good about who I am as a person. I go to bed every night knowing that I have tried my best to be the best person I can be. I want to be someone that your sisters and Daddy can be proud of. I want to be the kind of mommy that I think you would brag to your friends in heaven about. And I want to be the "Sara" that I think I should be.
Well little one, I suppose I should catch up on some other things. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for always being on my mind. And thank you for being the best son a mommy could ask for. I love you!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
6 Times
Hey you. I love you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately (nothing new about that though!). Life has been pretty good. Not much to report actually. But as it usually goes, when things are going well and/or "normally" I am reminded once again that I am SOOOOOOOO far from being normal.
Today I was signed up to give blood here at work so I headed over for my appointment. I was making small talk with the young guy who was doing my interview and was being silly of course, because silly is about all I do. He was asking me all of the questions I had remembered answering at previous donations and then he asked me a question that I had never answered before giving blood in the past.
He asked me how many times I had been pregnant.
I said 6 times.
He was obviously shocked and said wow.
I said yeah but only two of them are alive.
He looked sad and apologized.
I told him it was ok and that was just my luck.
Yes, I fully realize that is not the socially acceptable way to respond in that situation, but I don't think there is an acceptable way. I couldn't lie about the number of pregnancies I have had. I couldn't let the dude think I had six kids at home. And I couldn't let him feel horrible about asking a question that is required of him by his job.
So, I have been thinking a lot since then and although I feel bad about making him feel bad...it makes me feel worse than it makes him feel, that I can guarantee. Who wants that to be their story? Who wants to be the lady who - holy crap - has been pregnant 6 times and of those 6 pregnancies four of them are dead? NOT ME! But that's Sara. That's who I am. *sigh*
I would say "Oh what I wouldn't give to have all of them here with me" but I can't fathom that either. I have never wanted six children. I have only ever wanted two. So, if I had any of your three siblings that were miscarried I wouldn't have your big sister. And if I had you, I wouldn't have your little sister. But I wouldn't ever wish you and your miscarried siblings away either. So instead, I sit here and dwell on the thought of the poor blood donation guy who was subjected to my short, yet more-information-than-he-ever-wanted rant regarding the number of times I had been pregnant. *sigh*
Why is my life so complicated? Why can't I live in the land of oblivion that so many others live in? Yes, most days I am ok. Yes, most days I can go through my day and just think happy thoughts about you. And yes, the majority of the time I do operate in a fairly "normal" manner. But then there are they days when I am asked about pregnancies. And there are the days when I see the pinwheels spinning in our garden and just smile but then there are days when those same pinwheels make my stomach churn. It's no wonder I'm not normal. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that Sara is one of the quirkiest dang people on the planet.
I am comfortable in my own skin, Carter. I really am. But it isn't really all that fun to be the poor lady whose babies have died. And that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will live with it each time I give blood. I will live with it each time someone asks me how many kids I have. And for as long as I live I will be a baby-loss-mom and that sucks.
I love you little one. Take care up there and send your mommy some extra love today please!
Today I was signed up to give blood here at work so I headed over for my appointment. I was making small talk with the young guy who was doing my interview and was being silly of course, because silly is about all I do. He was asking me all of the questions I had remembered answering at previous donations and then he asked me a question that I had never answered before giving blood in the past.
He asked me how many times I had been pregnant.
I said 6 times.
He was obviously shocked and said wow.
I said yeah but only two of them are alive.
He looked sad and apologized.
I told him it was ok and that was just my luck.
Yes, I fully realize that is not the socially acceptable way to respond in that situation, but I don't think there is an acceptable way. I couldn't lie about the number of pregnancies I have had. I couldn't let the dude think I had six kids at home. And I couldn't let him feel horrible about asking a question that is required of him by his job.
So, I have been thinking a lot since then and although I feel bad about making him feel bad...it makes me feel worse than it makes him feel, that I can guarantee. Who wants that to be their story? Who wants to be the lady who - holy crap - has been pregnant 6 times and of those 6 pregnancies four of them are dead? NOT ME! But that's Sara. That's who I am. *sigh*
I would say "Oh what I wouldn't give to have all of them here with me" but I can't fathom that either. I have never wanted six children. I have only ever wanted two. So, if I had any of your three siblings that were miscarried I wouldn't have your big sister. And if I had you, I wouldn't have your little sister. But I wouldn't ever wish you and your miscarried siblings away either. So instead, I sit here and dwell on the thought of the poor blood donation guy who was subjected to my short, yet more-information-than-he-ever-wanted rant regarding the number of times I had been pregnant. *sigh*
Why is my life so complicated? Why can't I live in the land of oblivion that so many others live in? Yes, most days I am ok. Yes, most days I can go through my day and just think happy thoughts about you. And yes, the majority of the time I do operate in a fairly "normal" manner. But then there are they days when I am asked about pregnancies. And there are the days when I see the pinwheels spinning in our garden and just smile but then there are days when those same pinwheels make my stomach churn. It's no wonder I'm not normal. It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that Sara is one of the quirkiest dang people on the planet.
I am comfortable in my own skin, Carter. I really am. But it isn't really all that fun to be the poor lady whose babies have died. And that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I will live with it each time I give blood. I will live with it each time someone asks me how many kids I have. And for as long as I live I will be a baby-loss-mom and that sucks.
I love you little one. Take care up there and send your mommy some extra love today please!
Friday, June 3, 2011
It makes me cry
This song has made me cry each and every time I have heard it. And to see Matt Hammitt talking about it brings me to tears even today.
I would give you all of me, Carter. I'd give every last bit of myself if it would bring you back. I would give all of myself for your sisters too. It makes my heart ache to think about it, but I would. I would do anything for my kiddos and I am grateful to a wonderful God that allows me to love you like this. He has taught me how to love you because He loves me even more.
You are worth every fallen tear and facing every fear. You will know all my love even if it is not enough. - Oh my goodness I feel tight in my stomach and chest whenever I hear those words. I think those are the words that every parent has in their hearts when it comes to their kids, but to hear them sung so beautifully brings me to my knees. I would have thought it was impossible to live through losing you. And I would have thought it was impossible to survive more than 20 months after losing you, but here I am. Here I am living my life with two beautiful, amazing daughters that I get to kiss and hug and love on each and every single day. And here I am with a son who lives in heaven, yet continues to teach me things on a daily basis. You remind me every day to appreciate the things I have, Carter. You remind me that life is so incredibly fragile and that each smile and each giggle should be coveted. You remind me that I am blessed beyond measure. And I am reminded also that surviving tragedy is possible. It isn't easy and it isn't fun, but it is possible. I am here today and for that I am grateful.
Thank you again for teaching me, Carter. Thank you for loving me from afar. Thank you for being the best son a mommy could ask for. I wish I could kiss you and "cheese your squeaks" (Instead of squeeze your cheeks. That's a funny thing that your Nana said once upon a time and it has since stuck around in our family.)
Thank you for helping me learn what it means to truly give all of myself. Thank you for giving all of yourself - Oh my God that makes me cry to even write it - so that I can love and appreciate others more. You mean the world to me, Carter. You make life worth living. I love you.
"All of Me" from Ryan Lynch on Vimeo.
I would give you all of me, Carter. I'd give every last bit of myself if it would bring you back. I would give all of myself for your sisters too. It makes my heart ache to think about it, but I would. I would do anything for my kiddos and I am grateful to a wonderful God that allows me to love you like this. He has taught me how to love you because He loves me even more.
You are worth every fallen tear and facing every fear. You will know all my love even if it is not enough. - Oh my goodness I feel tight in my stomach and chest whenever I hear those words. I think those are the words that every parent has in their hearts when it comes to their kids, but to hear them sung so beautifully brings me to my knees. I would have thought it was impossible to live through losing you. And I would have thought it was impossible to survive more than 20 months after losing you, but here I am. Here I am living my life with two beautiful, amazing daughters that I get to kiss and hug and love on each and every single day. And here I am with a son who lives in heaven, yet continues to teach me things on a daily basis. You remind me every day to appreciate the things I have, Carter. You remind me that life is so incredibly fragile and that each smile and each giggle should be coveted. You remind me that I am blessed beyond measure. And I am reminded also that surviving tragedy is possible. It isn't easy and it isn't fun, but it is possible. I am here today and for that I am grateful.
Thank you again for teaching me, Carter. Thank you for loving me from afar. Thank you for being the best son a mommy could ask for. I wish I could kiss you and "cheese your squeaks" (Instead of squeeze your cheeks. That's a funny thing that your Nana said once upon a time and it has since stuck around in our family.)
Thank you for helping me learn what it means to truly give all of myself. Thank you for giving all of yourself - Oh my God that makes me cry to even write it - so that I can love and appreciate others more. You mean the world to me, Carter. You make life worth living. I love you.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Will I always feel like this?
Hey Carter.
It's Friday and I'm OH-SO-HAPPY it is! It's been a long week to say the least. Your daddy left on Sunday for a week-long training. That wouldn't normally be a huge deal but then the walls came crashing down around me. Your baby sister wasn't feeling well so I took her in to the doctor on Monday afternoon. She had an ear infection. No wonder she was so fussy. So basically every night that your daddy has been gone, she has been fussy, is not sleeping well and is feeling super yucky.
Then to add insult to injury, our cat, Acadia (Cadi) wasn't feeling well. Last week we took her in to the vet for a probable UTI and they treated her for that. But this week she wasn't seeming any better so I took her in to the vet on Tuesday morning so they could check her out. Long story short, they drew blood and found out her kidneys were failing. They then hooked her up to an IV drip for 48 hours to try to flush her kidneys out and hit her with a couple of different antibiotics. (Meanwhile, Wednesday was your daddy's and my anniversary and yesterday was his birthday.) But then yesterday they called and told me that her kidney levels hadn't budged and that she had bleeding ulcers in her mouth as a result of the kidney failure. Basically, there was nothing they could do and she would need to be put to sleep. =- (
So I went to the vet to spend some time with her before she died and I am so happy I did. I had gone the night before and I am extremely grateful that I did that as well. When I got there, I held her and cried and cried and cried. I told her I was sorry I couldn't make her better. I can't even tell you how many times I apologized to her. I felt horrible. She looked at me with the saddest eyes and I knew I was doing the right thing. She tried to purr and she wagged her tail a little bit. But then she started getting worse. Right there in my arms she started getting worse. Thankfully a friend of mine told me she would be there with me and I'm so happy she was. It was hard enough having to put my kitty to sleep, but to do it without your daddy there was worse.
I left the vet and went home to be alone for a while. I just laid in my bed and tried to make sense of it all. I felt crushed. I felt defeated. I felt like a horrible pet owner. Why is it that my pets die? Why do my pets get diseases that are either totally not typical for their breed or disease that are only seen once every ten years? And then I really started thinking and ended up getting really mad. I don't understand why in the name of heck I have had three cats die, soon to be two dogs die and four kids! How is that fair? What am I supposed to learn from all of this? I don't know that it will ever make sense and I guess I should stop trying to pull answers out of this junk.
But since then I have been reminded of that gaping hole in my gut again. And feeling that hole so much again makes me wonder if it will ever stop hurting. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever be the same carefree, innocent person without a care in the world ever again? I don't know that I will be or even can be. And part of me is glad because that means I will always remember you, but the other part of me wishes so much that I could just be normal again. Normal like I was before your daddy and I ever started trying to have kiddos. Normal and carefree and completely oblivious to the stupid, horrible and totally unfair things that happen in this world. I don't understand it, Carter. But I guess there is no sense in fighting it. I can't change my circumstances, I can only embrace who and where I am currently. It's hard though, buddy. It's hard to stay positive sometimes.
A friend of mine made a comment the other day about me and my smile. She said that I am that friend that always comes into a building with a smile but underneath that smile is a lot of stuff that's going on...but it's always covered with a smile. Is that true about me? I guess it isn't a bad thing. And the only thing I could say was that yes, I do always try to smile because in a lot of cases I could either smile or cry and for the most part I choose to smile. I am a happy person though Carter. I really am. I have just experienced my share of heartache in my 30 years on this planet. I can't focus on the heartache though (at least most of the time). I have to choose to think about the good things in my life and about what I have learned through my heartaches. Because to me, if I didn't learn from my circumstances - whether good or bad - that would be the real tragedy.
So here I am, on a Friday afternoon just waiting for the work week to end. I'm waiting to hear from your daddy that he is on his way home. And I'm waiting to camping with our family this weekend. I'm waiting for rest. I'm waiting for some peace and I'm waiting for healing...again. I'm looking forward to reading a book this weekend called I Still Believe. It was written by Jeremy Camp about his journey after his wife died of cancer. It's a book all about "Discovering hope and healing in the midst of life's deepest valleys". I'm looking forward to it. It's not a terribly long book but just reading the first page got me ready and excited (I don't know that excited is the right word) to read it.
Thankfully your big sister has been a trooper this week with everything happening. She has been a pretty good listener and has been super sweet. I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with her this weekend just playing and running and laughing. Your sisters make my heart about explode, Carter. I love them so much it hurts.
Well buddy, I suppose I should get going. I love and miss you more than you will ever know, Carter. Please give Cadi a hug from me and tell her I love and miss her too. xoxoxo
It's Friday and I'm OH-SO-HAPPY it is! It's been a long week to say the least. Your daddy left on Sunday for a week-long training. That wouldn't normally be a huge deal but then the walls came crashing down around me. Your baby sister wasn't feeling well so I took her in to the doctor on Monday afternoon. She had an ear infection. No wonder she was so fussy. So basically every night that your daddy has been gone, she has been fussy, is not sleeping well and is feeling super yucky.
Then to add insult to injury, our cat, Acadia (Cadi) wasn't feeling well. Last week we took her in to the vet for a probable UTI and they treated her for that. But this week she wasn't seeming any better so I took her in to the vet on Tuesday morning so they could check her out. Long story short, they drew blood and found out her kidneys were failing. They then hooked her up to an IV drip for 48 hours to try to flush her kidneys out and hit her with a couple of different antibiotics. (Meanwhile, Wednesday was your daddy's and my anniversary and yesterday was his birthday.) But then yesterday they called and told me that her kidney levels hadn't budged and that she had bleeding ulcers in her mouth as a result of the kidney failure. Basically, there was nothing they could do and she would need to be put to sleep. =- (
So I went to the vet to spend some time with her before she died and I am so happy I did. I had gone the night before and I am extremely grateful that I did that as well. When I got there, I held her and cried and cried and cried. I told her I was sorry I couldn't make her better. I can't even tell you how many times I apologized to her. I felt horrible. She looked at me with the saddest eyes and I knew I was doing the right thing. She tried to purr and she wagged her tail a little bit. But then she started getting worse. Right there in my arms she started getting worse. Thankfully a friend of mine told me she would be there with me and I'm so happy she was. It was hard enough having to put my kitty to sleep, but to do it without your daddy there was worse.
I left the vet and went home to be alone for a while. I just laid in my bed and tried to make sense of it all. I felt crushed. I felt defeated. I felt like a horrible pet owner. Why is it that my pets die? Why do my pets get diseases that are either totally not typical for their breed or disease that are only seen once every ten years? And then I really started thinking and ended up getting really mad. I don't understand why in the name of heck I have had three cats die, soon to be two dogs die and four kids! How is that fair? What am I supposed to learn from all of this? I don't know that it will ever make sense and I guess I should stop trying to pull answers out of this junk.
But since then I have been reminded of that gaping hole in my gut again. And feeling that hole so much again makes me wonder if it will ever stop hurting. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever be the same carefree, innocent person without a care in the world ever again? I don't know that I will be or even can be. And part of me is glad because that means I will always remember you, but the other part of me wishes so much that I could just be normal again. Normal like I was before your daddy and I ever started trying to have kiddos. Normal and carefree and completely oblivious to the stupid, horrible and totally unfair things that happen in this world. I don't understand it, Carter. But I guess there is no sense in fighting it. I can't change my circumstances, I can only embrace who and where I am currently. It's hard though, buddy. It's hard to stay positive sometimes.
A friend of mine made a comment the other day about me and my smile. She said that I am that friend that always comes into a building with a smile but underneath that smile is a lot of stuff that's going on...but it's always covered with a smile. Is that true about me? I guess it isn't a bad thing. And the only thing I could say was that yes, I do always try to smile because in a lot of cases I could either smile or cry and for the most part I choose to smile. I am a happy person though Carter. I really am. I have just experienced my share of heartache in my 30 years on this planet. I can't focus on the heartache though (at least most of the time). I have to choose to think about the good things in my life and about what I have learned through my heartaches. Because to me, if I didn't learn from my circumstances - whether good or bad - that would be the real tragedy.
So here I am, on a Friday afternoon just waiting for the work week to end. I'm waiting to hear from your daddy that he is on his way home. And I'm waiting to camping with our family this weekend. I'm waiting for rest. I'm waiting for some peace and I'm waiting for healing...again. I'm looking forward to reading a book this weekend called I Still Believe. It was written by Jeremy Camp about his journey after his wife died of cancer. It's a book all about "Discovering hope and healing in the midst of life's deepest valleys". I'm looking forward to it. It's not a terribly long book but just reading the first page got me ready and excited (I don't know that excited is the right word) to read it.
Thankfully your big sister has been a trooper this week with everything happening. She has been a pretty good listener and has been super sweet. I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with her this weekend just playing and running and laughing. Your sisters make my heart about explode, Carter. I love them so much it hurts.
Well buddy, I suppose I should get going. I love and miss you more than you will ever know, Carter. Please give Cadi a hug from me and tell her I love and miss her too. xoxoxo
Monday, May 23, 2011
My kids
I never in all of my life thought that this would be a picture of me and all of the kids I've given birth to. But, if this is the only way I get to have a picture of me and all of you kiddos, I'll take it. As you can see, your big sister was being silly (as she always is!) and both of your sisters are in their jammies. =- ) Sometimes it's just fun to hang out in your jammies all day long!
I can't remember the last time our whole family has been out there to see you. But I was shopping the other day and found a new pinwheel for you and knew we needed to take it out to the cemetery. I think it was confusing for your big sister. She knows you are in heaven with Jesus, but I think she was a little perplexed as to how we could go visit you in a cemetery if you are with Him.
I don't think your daddy has really been around much previously when she has had her questions, so yesterday as we left the cemetery and she asked all of the hard questions, I sat and watched his heart break as he answered. She asked again about where you were and if you were with Jesus. *Ugh* I don't understand why a 3 year old should have to visit her baby brother in the cemetery. I don't understand why a 3 year old knows that sometimes babies die.
But before we left that place I sat by your headstone with you and your baby sister. And as I looked at her sweet face, I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. It was by no means a trade (you for her), but as much as it breaks my heart to think about you being gone, it breaks my heart to think that she wouldn't be here. **Double Ugh**
So, we visited you. I'm so happy we did. I miss you every day. I wish I could hold you and watch you grow. I know you and your sisters would be so fun playing together and someday, when we all get to heaven, I know you'll show them the ropes of hanging out with Jesus. Thank you for that!
I'm even happier that we visited you yesterday because this week is a special week in our family. This week your daddy turns 30 years old. And, this week is your daddy's and my 9th wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's been 9 years. We got a really sweet card from my grandpa and grandma this weekend and in it they wrote that they couldn't believe it had already been 9 years and what a bunch of heartache and joy we have experienced in that time. It's true. It's been 9 years of ups and downs and highs and lows. And I wouldn't have shared those 9 years with anyone other than your wonderful, amazing, super awesome daddy. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He holds me when I cry. He loves your sisters more than I think is humanly possible. And I know he loves and misses you with all of his heart too. I know it kills him to think about not having you here. And although he doesn't talk about it much, I know he misses you so much it hurts.
So little one, celebrate with us this week as we have so much to celebrate. We wish you were here! I love you!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Deep Breath
I love you. I wanted you. I miss you. I still, even after 20 months miss you every second of every single day. It still hurts to think about you being gone. It still stings to hear about other babies who have died. I still wish you were here.
Things have been crazy around here lately. The weekend was completely crazy and then on Sunday night I got a phone call from a friend of mine. It was actually his dad calling me and what he said completely broke me. He told me that my friend Leif and his wife Kelli just found out that their baby had died at 30 weeks gestation . *I WAS SHATTERED* You may remember when I wrote about this a while back. Well, Kelli is the same Kelli. I found out after that day in February 2010 that Kelli's husband, Leif was the same Leif that works in my building at work. Long story short, your daddy and I have built quite the friendship with them since that time. So, when I got that phone call on Sunday night I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I spent from midnight Sunday/Monday until yesterday night at about 8 with them. Talking, crying, listening (probably not as much or as well as I should have)and even laughing some with them and their family. The worst part of the story is that even as of right now, Landon has not been born yet! Her body isn't dilating like it should. She's been having all sorts of complications and it's just been slow-going. I feel horrible for them.
Being with them has cut open the scar on my heart. I say it's a scar because in a lot of ways, I truly believe I was healed when it came to losing you. Healed, but eternally marked by what had happened.
Then I found out about Landon. Then I sat and held the hands of my friends and cried. Then I remembered what it felt like to find out your baby was dead and then to have to labor and grieve while your baby is dead inside of you. I sat and thought about how I felt. I sat and thought about when the time came to push. I thought about seeing your lifeless body after you were born. I sat and thought about those things and probably acted inappropriately at times because I told lots of silly stories about things that didn't have to do with dead babies. I laughed because laughing was easier than thinking about a dead baby. I laughed and cried and punched the steering wheel in my car. I sat in totally disbelief that this had happened......AGAIN.......to my friends. And worst of all, I sat there with them and their family, completely shocked and totally helpless. I could do nothing for them. I could not make anything better for them. I could not make Landon come alive again. I could do nothing but tell them that it was ok to scream at God. I prayed and yelled at God and asked WHY? so many times. And here I sit at work. I have friends who are still laboring in order to deliver their stillborn son, and I'm at work.
I'm feeling all sorts of guilt. I feel guilty because I felt like I had stayed too long. I feel guilty because I really wanted to hold him when he was born and my stupid feelings are hurt because they didn't ask me to stay. It's stupid. It's selfish. It makes me feel like a jerk. But I wanted to hold him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel him in my arms.
And maybe it's better that I won't get that opportunity. Maybe it's better that I won't have to relive holding my own dead baby in my arms. Maybe it's better, but for now it hurts. I think it hurts because I only got to hold you after you had passed away. And maybe holding Landon would have felt right. Maybe it would have helped me remember how you smelled and how you felt and how soft and perfect your skin was. Maybe it would have helped me remember what it felt like to kiss you. But apparently that's not what is meant to be. Is that God's way of protecting me? I don't know.
So for now I will sit here thinking about my friends. I don't know how long it's going to take for this new wound to heal. I can't imagine, but I know that over time it will. And then at some point in the future it will be ripped open again because that's what happens every time I hear about another baby who has died. My heart breaks all over again. And then I act like a jack@$$ and feel like I've been a little too "Sara" for people.
I don't know buddy. I don't know how to act and I sure as heck don't know how to feel even 20 months later. But just like 20 months and five days ago I will find a way to do it. I will put one foot in front of the other and take another step. Thankfully those steps are leading me to your sisters each and every day and that is a wonderful, amazing gift. I kiss them more than most parents kiss their kiddos, I'm sure of that. And when I look at them my heart hurts because I love them so much and am so happy they are here with me. I wish my heart hurt for the same reasons when I thought of you.
I love you.
Things have been crazy around here lately. The weekend was completely crazy and then on Sunday night I got a phone call from a friend of mine. It was actually his dad calling me and what he said completely broke me. He told me that my friend Leif and his wife Kelli just found out that their baby had died at 30 weeks gestation . *I WAS SHATTERED* You may remember when I wrote about this a while back. Well, Kelli is the same Kelli. I found out after that day in February 2010 that Kelli's husband, Leif was the same Leif that works in my building at work. Long story short, your daddy and I have built quite the friendship with them since that time. So, when I got that phone call on Sunday night I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I spent from midnight Sunday/Monday until yesterday night at about 8 with them. Talking, crying, listening (probably not as much or as well as I should have)and even laughing some with them and their family. The worst part of the story is that even as of right now, Landon has not been born yet! Her body isn't dilating like it should. She's been having all sorts of complications and it's just been slow-going. I feel horrible for them.
Being with them has cut open the scar on my heart. I say it's a scar because in a lot of ways, I truly believe I was healed when it came to losing you. Healed, but eternally marked by what had happened.
Then I found out about Landon. Then I sat and held the hands of my friends and cried. Then I remembered what it felt like to find out your baby was dead and then to have to labor and grieve while your baby is dead inside of you. I sat and thought about how I felt. I sat and thought about when the time came to push. I thought about seeing your lifeless body after you were born. I sat and thought about those things and probably acted inappropriately at times because I told lots of silly stories about things that didn't have to do with dead babies. I laughed because laughing was easier than thinking about a dead baby. I laughed and cried and punched the steering wheel in my car. I sat in totally disbelief that this had happened......AGAIN.......to my friends. And worst of all, I sat there with them and their family, completely shocked and totally helpless. I could do nothing for them. I could not make anything better for them. I could not make Landon come alive again. I could do nothing but tell them that it was ok to scream at God. I prayed and yelled at God and asked WHY? so many times. And here I sit at work. I have friends who are still laboring in order to deliver their stillborn son, and I'm at work.
I'm feeling all sorts of guilt. I feel guilty because I felt like I had stayed too long. I feel guilty because I really wanted to hold him when he was born and my stupid feelings are hurt because they didn't ask me to stay. It's stupid. It's selfish. It makes me feel like a jerk. But I wanted to hold him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel him in my arms.
And maybe it's better that I won't get that opportunity. Maybe it's better that I won't have to relive holding my own dead baby in my arms. Maybe it's better, but for now it hurts. I think it hurts because I only got to hold you after you had passed away. And maybe holding Landon would have felt right. Maybe it would have helped me remember how you smelled and how you felt and how soft and perfect your skin was. Maybe it would have helped me remember what it felt like to kiss you. But apparently that's not what is meant to be. Is that God's way of protecting me? I don't know.
So for now I will sit here thinking about my friends. I don't know how long it's going to take for this new wound to heal. I can't imagine, but I know that over time it will. And then at some point in the future it will be ripped open again because that's what happens every time I hear about another baby who has died. My heart breaks all over again. And then I act like a jack@$$ and feel like I've been a little too "Sara" for people.
I don't know buddy. I don't know how to act and I sure as heck don't know how to feel even 20 months later. But just like 20 months and five days ago I will find a way to do it. I will put one foot in front of the other and take another step. Thankfully those steps are leading me to your sisters each and every day and that is a wonderful, amazing gift. I kiss them more than most parents kiss their kiddos, I'm sure of that. And when I look at them my heart hurts because I love them so much and am so happy they are here with me. I wish my heart hurt for the same reasons when I thought of you.
I love you.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Your Song
I've been meaning to write this to you for a while now but just haven't gotten around to bringing the notebook to work until today. Your daddy wrote a song for you. I cried the first time I heard him sing it and I've cried many other times he has sung it as well. He is going to sing it at church on Mother's Day and our pastor is going to do a sermon based on it. I guess I will need to bring some tissues! I don't know that it has a title. But I do know that it has all sorts of love and every imaginable emotion from you daddy in it. He loves you little one. He loves and misses you more than you can imagine.
------------------------------------------------
Every night we opened our hearts to God.
We thanked Him for our life and for our family.
We prayed please God would you grow us by one.
We prayed God bring us our son.
How can I know?
How can I be sure?
How can I know he's with You?
As the date grew closer our excitement grew too.
We received gifts from friends and prayers from family.
Then it happened we were told he was gone.
On that day we held our son.
How can I know?
How can I be sure?
How can I know he's with You?
Once You said bring the children to me.
Once You promised heaven belonged to ones such as these.
We hand him over as Your arms are open wide.
Now we know he's with You.
How can I know?
How can I be sure?
How can I know he's with you?
------------------------------------------------
Every night we opened our hearts to God.
We thanked Him for our life and for our family.
We prayed please God would you grow us by one.
We prayed God bring us our son.
How can I know?
How can I be sure?
How can I know he's with You?
As the date grew closer our excitement grew too.
We received gifts from friends and prayers from family.
Then it happened we were told he was gone.
On that day we held our son.
How can I know?
How can I be sure?
How can I know he's with You?
Once You said bring the children to me.
Once You promised heaven belonged to ones such as these.
We hand him over as Your arms are open wide.
Now we know he's with You.
How can I know?
How can I be sure?
How can I know he's with you?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Questions and 1st Words
Hi baby boy. Well, once again I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. Please remember that even if I don't write to you regularly I still think about you each and every single day.
Things have been ok at home lately. Your big sister was testing limits for a while but just this week seems to be settling into her old, sweet self again. Whew! She has said lots of funny things lately. Just the other night she was pretending to be a mama by putting earrings, a necklace and other fun things on. I about lost it when I was calling for her to come help me with something and she came out of her room, tilted her head and said "What sweetie?" Oh my goodness. She is such a good pretender. Then a while later she wasn't listening and told me that I was the kiddo and needed to listen to her. I then informed her that when she wasn't listening I was no longer the kiddo, but rather the mad mama. She got a real sad look on her face and said she didn't want me to be a mad mama because that made her sad. lol! Oh yeah, I forgot! Yesterday morning when I took her to school in the morning she was singing and singing and singing. I told her that she was a beautiful singer and do you know what her response to me was? She said, "I have a lot of songs in my mouth!" LOLOLOLOL! She's been pretty funny lately which has been pretty fun.
Then this morning she wanted me to hold her. So, I picked her up and we were standing in the hallway just watching your baby sister play and she looked at your picture on the wall. She asked me who it was. I told her it was you and that you are her brother. She looked confused so I told her that you had died and lived in heaven. She asked if you were sick. I said no. She asked if you got hurt. I said no. Then she asked the toughest question of all. She asked why you had died then. I had no words. All I could tell her was that I didn't know. I was able to explain your death to an 8 year old this weekend by comparing it to a shoelace being tied in a knot, but how exactly do you explain that to a 3 year old? I don't know. It broke my heart.
My sadness was somewhat made a little better though because just this morning I went into your little sister's room to give her a binky and she looked up at me and said "mama". It was as clear as clear can be. She's getting to be such a big girl. She's so stinkin' cute and sweet and wonderful. Your big sister makes her laugh and smile and go into crazy bouncing fits of delight. It makes my mama's heart happy.
I guess I've had lots of things on my mind lately. The dad of one of your daddy's and my friends died this week which is a major bummer. He was super sick and had been for a while, but it doesn't make it any easier. And to add to it, our friends had a baby just 3 days before he died. I don't believe in coincidences. For some reason, he was well enough to be transfered to our hospital from one about an hour away on Friday of last week. Then Saturday morning (really early) our friends had their baby and he was the first one to hold the little guy. Amazing. He died just three days later. Amazing. I got a text from my friend just yesterday and this is what she wrote: When I said goodbye to Rick the last time he was alive I asked him to watch over Carter. I bet he has already been playing with Carter. He loves little boys.
So, have fun up there with Rick. Be sure he gives you lots of hugs and kisses and tickles from your daddy and me. And please give him hugs and kisses from his family down here. We all miss you two like crazy! I love you!
Things have been ok at home lately. Your big sister was testing limits for a while but just this week seems to be settling into her old, sweet self again. Whew! She has said lots of funny things lately. Just the other night she was pretending to be a mama by putting earrings, a necklace and other fun things on. I about lost it when I was calling for her to come help me with something and she came out of her room, tilted her head and said "What sweetie?" Oh my goodness. She is such a good pretender. Then a while later she wasn't listening and told me that I was the kiddo and needed to listen to her. I then informed her that when she wasn't listening I was no longer the kiddo, but rather the mad mama. She got a real sad look on her face and said she didn't want me to be a mad mama because that made her sad. lol! Oh yeah, I forgot! Yesterday morning when I took her to school in the morning she was singing and singing and singing. I told her that she was a beautiful singer and do you know what her response to me was? She said, "I have a lot of songs in my mouth!" LOLOLOLOL! She's been pretty funny lately which has been pretty fun.
Then this morning she wanted me to hold her. So, I picked her up and we were standing in the hallway just watching your baby sister play and she looked at your picture on the wall. She asked me who it was. I told her it was you and that you are her brother. She looked confused so I told her that you had died and lived in heaven. She asked if you were sick. I said no. She asked if you got hurt. I said no. Then she asked the toughest question of all. She asked why you had died then. I had no words. All I could tell her was that I didn't know. I was able to explain your death to an 8 year old this weekend by comparing it to a shoelace being tied in a knot, but how exactly do you explain that to a 3 year old? I don't know. It broke my heart.
My sadness was somewhat made a little better though because just this morning I went into your little sister's room to give her a binky and she looked up at me and said "mama". It was as clear as clear can be. She's getting to be such a big girl. She's so stinkin' cute and sweet and wonderful. Your big sister makes her laugh and smile and go into crazy bouncing fits of delight. It makes my mama's heart happy.
I guess I've had lots of things on my mind lately. The dad of one of your daddy's and my friends died this week which is a major bummer. He was super sick and had been for a while, but it doesn't make it any easier. And to add to it, our friends had a baby just 3 days before he died. I don't believe in coincidences. For some reason, he was well enough to be transfered to our hospital from one about an hour away on Friday of last week. Then Saturday morning (really early) our friends had their baby and he was the first one to hold the little guy. Amazing. He died just three days later. Amazing. I got a text from my friend just yesterday and this is what she wrote: When I said goodbye to Rick the last time he was alive I asked him to watch over Carter. I bet he has already been playing with Carter. He loves little boys.
So, have fun up there with Rick. Be sure he gives you lots of hugs and kisses and tickles from your daddy and me. And please give him hugs and kisses from his family down here. We all miss you two like crazy! I love you!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Mess of a Mind
Hello little one. I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. I've thought about you a lot, as I always do, but just haven't taken the time to write to you. I'm sorry about that.
Life has been ok since I last wrote to you. There has been lots happening and my head has been spinning a lot and I've been trying to get my head wrapped around it all.
Let's see, where should I begin? I've been following Lucy's story each and every day. It breaks my heart and I find myself being consumed with worry, praying and thinking about this poor little girl.
I also have a friend who just had a baby and let me just say, Carter...you continue to amaze me. My friend was 37 weeks pregnant and wasn't feeling her baby move...she told me she couldn't stop thinking about you and what happened. So, she went into the hospital and it's a good thing she did. Long story short...the baby almost didn't survive and is still in the NICU (born on the 8th). You continue to teach people things. Eventhough you are not "present" here, you are "present" in the minds of people still. I am SO grateful for that. You still amaze me.
Then I've been kind of hurt lately by some comments made by people in terms of religion. I understand living the way God wants us to live...but I just can't shake the hurt when things are even indirectly targeted at me or the people I love. I was reading a devotion to your little sister last night and thankfully was reassured when I read the verses at the end of it.
The Most Important Commandment
One of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”
Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’No other commandment is greater than these.”
-Mark 12:28-31
I don't understand why, when the Bible is so clear, people think they can be mean about religion. No wonder people hate Christians. No wonder people don't go to church. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him. My mom taught me when I was growing up that at the end of the day, I needed to be able to answer to #1 my God #2 myself and #2 my family. If I can do those things, then I am living the way I should.
I also heard a really neat thing last week that I have been trying to live more by as well. It's an acronym and here it is:
R elationships are everything
I nspire others with your actions
C ontribute to and serve others
H ave a HAPPY mindset
You have taught me those exact things and hearing them last week just solidified them in my mind. Thank you for continuing to teach me. Thank you for loving me from afar. Thank you for reminding me that it's not worth arguing with people about things that don't matter in the greater scheme of things.
Carter, please put in a good word for little Lucy and my friend's baby, Felicity. Those sweet, perfect, little girls need all the love, support and prayers they can get.
Send me some love too little one. I sure do miss you. I love you.
Life has been ok since I last wrote to you. There has been lots happening and my head has been spinning a lot and I've been trying to get my head wrapped around it all.
Let's see, where should I begin? I've been following Lucy's story each and every day. It breaks my heart and I find myself being consumed with worry, praying and thinking about this poor little girl.
I also have a friend who just had a baby and let me just say, Carter...you continue to amaze me. My friend was 37 weeks pregnant and wasn't feeling her baby move...she told me she couldn't stop thinking about you and what happened. So, she went into the hospital and it's a good thing she did. Long story short...the baby almost didn't survive and is still in the NICU (born on the 8th). You continue to teach people things. Eventhough you are not "present" here, you are "present" in the minds of people still. I am SO grateful for that. You still amaze me.
Then I've been kind of hurt lately by some comments made by people in terms of religion. I understand living the way God wants us to live...but I just can't shake the hurt when things are even indirectly targeted at me or the people I love. I was reading a devotion to your little sister last night and thankfully was reassured when I read the verses at the end of it.
The Most Important Commandment
One of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”
Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’No other commandment is greater than these.”
-Mark 12:28-31
I don't understand why, when the Bible is so clear, people think they can be mean about religion. No wonder people hate Christians. No wonder people don't go to church. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him. My mom taught me when I was growing up that at the end of the day, I needed to be able to answer to #1 my God #2 myself and #2 my family. If I can do those things, then I am living the way I should.
I also heard a really neat thing last week that I have been trying to live more by as well. It's an acronym and here it is:
R elationships are everything
I nspire others with your actions
C ontribute to and serve others
H ave a HAPPY mindset
You have taught me those exact things and hearing them last week just solidified them in my mind. Thank you for continuing to teach me. Thank you for loving me from afar. Thank you for reminding me that it's not worth arguing with people about things that don't matter in the greater scheme of things.
Carter, please put in a good word for little Lucy and my friend's baby, Felicity. Those sweet, perfect, little girls need all the love, support and prayers they can get.
Send me some love too little one. I sure do miss you. I love you.
Friday, March 4, 2011
I Can't Imagine
Good morning little one. It's Friday and I am so happy it is. I need some rest this weekend!
I was listening to the radio this morning and the song "I can only imagine" came on. I continued to drive and thought a lot while the song played. Then I thought, I can't imagine. I can't imagine what I'll do when I get to heaven. I know I'll be in awe of God and Jesus and of all that heaven is. But more than anything, I just want to see you and be with you when I get there. Yes, I am grateful that Jesus is the reason that heaven is attainable for me. And yes, I am grateful, SO GRATEFUL, for everything God has carried me through in life.
But...
But, I can't imagine that I would run to them before I would run to you. How could I? I am hoping that is something God will understand. And I'm hoping that I am ok for feeling that way. It's complicated I guess. That's the only way I know how to explain it.
I do look very forward to the day (many, many years from now hopefully) when I get to see, hug, hold, spend time with and kiss you again. I love doing all of those things with your sisters. I can't imagine what it will be like to get to do those things with you for all of eternity.
I love you.
I was listening to the radio this morning and the song "I can only imagine" came on. I continued to drive and thought a lot while the song played. Then I thought, I can't imagine. I can't imagine what I'll do when I get to heaven. I know I'll be in awe of God and Jesus and of all that heaven is. But more than anything, I just want to see you and be with you when I get there. Yes, I am grateful that Jesus is the reason that heaven is attainable for me. And yes, I am grateful, SO GRATEFUL, for everything God has carried me through in life.
But...
But, I can't imagine that I would run to them before I would run to you. How could I? I am hoping that is something God will understand. And I'm hoping that I am ok for feeling that way. It's complicated I guess. That's the only way I know how to explain it.
I do look very forward to the day (many, many years from now hopefully) when I get to see, hug, hold, spend time with and kiss you again. I love doing all of those things with your sisters. I can't imagine what it will be like to get to do those things with you for all of eternity.
I love you.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
15 Days
Good morning little one.
Well, life is normal again. Normal...that seems like a strange term considering everything I would have considered normal before losing you isn't normal anymore. Anyway...
Life has been good though. We took a trip last week to meet your new cousin. It was a very good trip and I was happy we took it. Little Knox is a wonderful little person and I am so happy he is in our lives. He wore some of your clothes while we were out there. I thought it would be more bitter sweet than it was. More than anything, I was just happy to see them being used.
Your little sister got an ear infection while we were out there and that was no fun. But other than that, the trip was fairly uneventful. It was a good time and we saw lots of fun things while we were there. We went to Niagara Falls and to a children's museum and to a park where birds ate out of our hands. It was fun.
I was super happy to be able to spend time with my brother (your uncle). He's my only sibling and I don't get to see him as much as I would like to. He gets me. He loves me. He is the most wonderful brother I could ever ask for. We have our differences, but the thing I love most about him is that we can have hard conversations and at the end of it all, we love each other still and don't hold grudges about things that were said. We say the things that we need to say, and I at least, don't feel angry when we talk (I can't speak for him of course but I would assume it is probably the same for him). When he looks at me, you can see in his eyes that he loves his little sister. Much like I imagine you would have looked at your little sister. I love him. That's the bottom line. And I love him more than he will ever know!
Then on our way home we were waiting at the airport for our flight and there was a play place. Your big sister was in heaven! While she was playing, a daddy and his twin girls came and started to play with her. Your daddy and I were talking to each other, trying to decide how old the little girls were and decided they were probably about a year and a half old. So, long story short, their mommy came up and we chatted a little bit. Sure enough, when I asked how old they were, she said 18 months. Then I decided to add insult to injury and ask when their birthday was. August 14th...just 15 days before you were born. It was fun to watch your big sister interact with them. She was teaching them how to throw and roll balls and other fun things like that. Then I realized something. You will be 18 months old next week. I didn't feel terribly sad when I realized it. It was more just like, huh, so that's what he'd be like. It did make me a little sad when I realized that's what it would be like to see your big sister playing with you though. She's such a sweet girl and seeing how gentle and kind she was with those little girls made my heart ache just a little bit.
I think about what I was doing fifteen days before we lost you. And I think about being completely oblivious to what was going to happen. It's amazing what can happen in 15 days. It makes me want to be more thankful for each day I live now.
I love you little one. Take care up there and think of your mommy please!
Well, life is normal again. Normal...that seems like a strange term considering everything I would have considered normal before losing you isn't normal anymore. Anyway...
Life has been good though. We took a trip last week to meet your new cousin. It was a very good trip and I was happy we took it. Little Knox is a wonderful little person and I am so happy he is in our lives. He wore some of your clothes while we were out there. I thought it would be more bitter sweet than it was. More than anything, I was just happy to see them being used.
Your little sister got an ear infection while we were out there and that was no fun. But other than that, the trip was fairly uneventful. It was a good time and we saw lots of fun things while we were there. We went to Niagara Falls and to a children's museum and to a park where birds ate out of our hands. It was fun.
I was super happy to be able to spend time with my brother (your uncle). He's my only sibling and I don't get to see him as much as I would like to. He gets me. He loves me. He is the most wonderful brother I could ever ask for. We have our differences, but the thing I love most about him is that we can have hard conversations and at the end of it all, we love each other still and don't hold grudges about things that were said. We say the things that we need to say, and I at least, don't feel angry when we talk (I can't speak for him of course but I would assume it is probably the same for him). When he looks at me, you can see in his eyes that he loves his little sister. Much like I imagine you would have looked at your little sister. I love him. That's the bottom line. And I love him more than he will ever know!
Then on our way home we were waiting at the airport for our flight and there was a play place. Your big sister was in heaven! While she was playing, a daddy and his twin girls came and started to play with her. Your daddy and I were talking to each other, trying to decide how old the little girls were and decided they were probably about a year and a half old. So, long story short, their mommy came up and we chatted a little bit. Sure enough, when I asked how old they were, she said 18 months. Then I decided to add insult to injury and ask when their birthday was. August 14th...just 15 days before you were born. It was fun to watch your big sister interact with them. She was teaching them how to throw and roll balls and other fun things like that. Then I realized something. You will be 18 months old next week. I didn't feel terribly sad when I realized it. It was more just like, huh, so that's what he'd be like. It did make me a little sad when I realized that's what it would be like to see your big sister playing with you though. She's such a sweet girl and seeing how gentle and kind she was with those little girls made my heart ache just a little bit.
I think about what I was doing fifteen days before we lost you. And I think about being completely oblivious to what was going to happen. It's amazing what can happen in 15 days. It makes me want to be more thankful for each day I live now.
I love you little one. Take care up there and think of your mommy please!
Monday, February 14, 2011
I cried
Good morning little one. I guess I should say Happy Valentine's Day too. It doesn't seem terribly happy today though. Oh well, I guess that's life. I don't know that I can completely wrap my head around why I'm feeling *blah* today, but I'll try to give you a glimpse into it.
But first, we need to go back in time to August 27, 2009. You see, that was the night of my baby shower for you. It was a Thursday and my running buddies had planned a super great party in your honor. I went to the shower, and posed by the cake for pictures.
I sat in the comfy rocking chair and opened presents just for you. 
I hung out with my running buddies and lots of other friends and some family too. It was a wonderful party to say the least. Everybody there was so excited for you to make your arrival. Everybody was...
Then after the shower I went home and decided I would take care of all of the things you and I had gotten at your big party. So, I sat in the rocking chair in your room and removed tags from clothes and blankets and toys. Then I put all of the clothes in the hamper so I could be sure they were washed and folded and put away just perfectly for when you came. While I sat there, I couldn't shake the thought that I hadn't felt you moving much that day. But I dismissed my thoughts and told myself that I was busy all day and probably just hadn't paid enough attention.
Then it happened. We all know how the rest of the story goes...and it just happened that the rest of the story started just a few hours after I took the tags of of those things and dismissed my thoughts regarding your lack of movement.
SO...
I have not been to a baby shower since yours.
I have not really been back to that friends' house since then.
But as you know, Carter, being "safe" and "comfortable" don't last forever. And last night my internal flood gates were broken. I can't say it's a bad thing. I can't say I was even worried about it all that much.
You see little one, my running buddies and I threw a baby shower for one of our friends last night. It just so happened that the baby shower was for a little boy. And, the shower was at the same friend's house (she's the pregnant one).
I had thought about the shower quite a bit even last week, but I didn't let myself get freaked out about what could/might/probably would happen once I got there. I had given myself the option of bringing the cake and leaving if I felt the need. But I really wanted to be there for my friend. She is such a good friend to me and was even there when you were born. It's not like I felt I owed it to her, but she means a lot to me and I wanted to be there for her.
Then I drove up to her house and parked my car. Once I turned the car off I felt like I could have puked. But, I gathered my things and walked toward the house. With each step I was thinking about what I would and wouldn't do once I got in there. I had decided I would not put the cake on the table since that was where my cake sat. And I decided I wasn't going to sit in the living room while she opened presents because that's where everyone was sitting for our shower too. So, I stood in the kitchen and just leaned on the wall trying to blend in with my surroundings. I didn't want to make the shower about me in any way shape or form. So I gave the polite "I'm good" smiles to people when I caught them glancing at me.
Then it happened. My friend started opening presents and the first one contained super cute little boy clothes. She of course held them up and showed them off. She is going to be such a proud mama to this little guy. I held back my tears as I looked at her in the same spot I was sitting at our shower, although in a different chair. The tears just sat on my eyelids and I was doing a pretty good job of holding them in until...
My friend proudly held up another outfit and looked my way with a smile. She just looked at me and said, "This is really hard for you isn't it? I just realized that." I just nodded my head to confirm her suspicions and started to weep. Dog gone it, Sara! This wasn't supposed to be about you. And I told all of my friends that. I felt horrible for crying. I felt horrible for turning the happiness of her shower into a glum, sad "Sara's crying" fest. But at the same time, I have learned since losing you, that there are sometimes when the tears just come and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.
I was grateful that just a few minutes were taken by various friends to give me hugs and to gently change the subject so I could compose myself and be ok for the rest of the party.
In the end, I can say I am proud I lived through the shower. I am definitely not biting at the bit to attend another one any time in the near future.
And when I went home, your daddy greeted me with a hug and asked how it went. Then before I went to bed, I went in and kissed each of your sisters. When I kissed your big sister I realized that she is the reason I have not lost my mind since losing you. You see, I needed to be a functioning human being in order to be her mommy and that has helped me on many days. Then I kissed your little sister too and I realized that she is what gave me hope after losing you. Without being pregnant with her and now having her with us, I don't know that I could fully appreciate what it means to hold such great hope in my soul.
Your sisters have taught me so much. Just like you have taught me too. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in life because of my wonderful kiddos. And last night I learned another one. I learned that it's ok to cry at baby showers, and I learned that it's ok to celebrate at them too.
I love you, Carter.
But first, we need to go back in time to August 27, 2009. You see, that was the night of my baby shower for you. It was a Thursday and my running buddies had planned a super great party in your honor. I went to the shower, and posed by the cake for pictures.
I sat in the comfy rocking chair and opened presents just for you. 
I hung out with my running buddies and lots of other friends and some family too. It was a wonderful party to say the least. Everybody there was so excited for you to make your arrival. Everybody was...Then after the shower I went home and decided I would take care of all of the things you and I had gotten at your big party. So, I sat in the rocking chair in your room and removed tags from clothes and blankets and toys. Then I put all of the clothes in the hamper so I could be sure they were washed and folded and put away just perfectly for when you came. While I sat there, I couldn't shake the thought that I hadn't felt you moving much that day. But I dismissed my thoughts and told myself that I was busy all day and probably just hadn't paid enough attention.
Then it happened. We all know how the rest of the story goes...and it just happened that the rest of the story started just a few hours after I took the tags of of those things and dismissed my thoughts regarding your lack of movement.
SO...
I have not been to a baby shower since yours.
I have not really been back to that friends' house since then.
But as you know, Carter, being "safe" and "comfortable" don't last forever. And last night my internal flood gates were broken. I can't say it's a bad thing. I can't say I was even worried about it all that much.
You see little one, my running buddies and I threw a baby shower for one of our friends last night. It just so happened that the baby shower was for a little boy. And, the shower was at the same friend's house (she's the pregnant one).
I had thought about the shower quite a bit even last week, but I didn't let myself get freaked out about what could/might/probably would happen once I got there. I had given myself the option of bringing the cake and leaving if I felt the need. But I really wanted to be there for my friend. She is such a good friend to me and was even there when you were born. It's not like I felt I owed it to her, but she means a lot to me and I wanted to be there for her.
Then I drove up to her house and parked my car. Once I turned the car off I felt like I could have puked. But, I gathered my things and walked toward the house. With each step I was thinking about what I would and wouldn't do once I got in there. I had decided I would not put the cake on the table since that was where my cake sat. And I decided I wasn't going to sit in the living room while she opened presents because that's where everyone was sitting for our shower too. So, I stood in the kitchen and just leaned on the wall trying to blend in with my surroundings. I didn't want to make the shower about me in any way shape or form. So I gave the polite "I'm good" smiles to people when I caught them glancing at me.
Then it happened. My friend started opening presents and the first one contained super cute little boy clothes. She of course held them up and showed them off. She is going to be such a proud mama to this little guy. I held back my tears as I looked at her in the same spot I was sitting at our shower, although in a different chair. The tears just sat on my eyelids and I was doing a pretty good job of holding them in until...
My friend proudly held up another outfit and looked my way with a smile. She just looked at me and said, "This is really hard for you isn't it? I just realized that." I just nodded my head to confirm her suspicions and started to weep. Dog gone it, Sara! This wasn't supposed to be about you. And I told all of my friends that. I felt horrible for crying. I felt horrible for turning the happiness of her shower into a glum, sad "Sara's crying" fest. But at the same time, I have learned since losing you, that there are sometimes when the tears just come and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.
I was grateful that just a few minutes were taken by various friends to give me hugs and to gently change the subject so I could compose myself and be ok for the rest of the party.
In the end, I can say I am proud I lived through the shower. I am definitely not biting at the bit to attend another one any time in the near future.
And when I went home, your daddy greeted me with a hug and asked how it went. Then before I went to bed, I went in and kissed each of your sisters. When I kissed your big sister I realized that she is the reason I have not lost my mind since losing you. You see, I needed to be a functioning human being in order to be her mommy and that has helped me on many days. Then I kissed your little sister too and I realized that she is what gave me hope after losing you. Without being pregnant with her and now having her with us, I don't know that I could fully appreciate what it means to hold such great hope in my soul.
Your sisters have taught me so much. Just like you have taught me too. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in life because of my wonderful kiddos. And last night I learned another one. I learned that it's ok to cry at baby showers, and I learned that it's ok to celebrate at them too.
I love you, Carter.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
You should try again for a boy
Hey little dude. Well, it's been an ok week here. I was sick earlier in the week, but am feeling much better now.
I did have a meeting for work on the day I was sick and that was no fun at all. But, I just stayed at work long enough to get through the meeting and then went home to bed. While I was at my meeting though, the topic of your sisters came up. I was bragging them up to the four gentlemen in the room with me and then it happened. One of the guys said, "Two girls huh? That's too bad. You should try again for a boy!" My response was, "I had one. He was stillborn." I didn't feel bad about saying it and I hope I didn't make him feel bad about what he had said either. I took that opportunity to talk about what happened to you and about how wonderful NILMDTS is.
It does make me sad when people say things like that. But, I know it wasn't said out of spite or any ill meaning. The guy was just trying to joke with me and as it turns out it's not a joke at all. But that's ok. I miss you like crazy and when I get to tell people about you, it makes me happy.
Then just yesterday my joy about your sisters apparently was showing quite a bit because I got this in an email:
Hey Sara;
GRRRRREAT pic of the kids yesterday! What a blessing!
My Pastor has given his yearly prophecy for 2011. He said in 2011
things are going to be different. By "different" he means it will be GOOD!
It will be HEALTHY! It will be PROSPEROUS! It will be JOYOUS! It will be
filled with LOVE! While the world only knows downturn and chaos, we are
to expect the best. We are to believe it in our hearts and confess it, OUT LOUD,
with our mouths! God wants the best for his children.
I am not trying to proselytize or anything. I just sensed your joy showing off
your children. Keep that joy close to your heart. You guys have certainly had
you past challenges and yet prevailed. YOU, your husband and family are truly
BLESSED! Just believe and say it, even when the world, the doctor's report or
your checkbook (and stupid pile of bills!) etc. is saying otherwise.
All the best and blessings to a different, GRRRRRREAT 2011!~
Sincerely,
Tom
So, there you have it. There will be "no trying again for a boy" for your family and there is an obvious gleam from your mama when she talks about your sisters.
Love you little boy.
I did have a meeting for work on the day I was sick and that was no fun at all. But, I just stayed at work long enough to get through the meeting and then went home to bed. While I was at my meeting though, the topic of your sisters came up. I was bragging them up to the four gentlemen in the room with me and then it happened. One of the guys said, "Two girls huh? That's too bad. You should try again for a boy!" My response was, "I had one. He was stillborn." I didn't feel bad about saying it and I hope I didn't make him feel bad about what he had said either. I took that opportunity to talk about what happened to you and about how wonderful NILMDTS is.
It does make me sad when people say things like that. But, I know it wasn't said out of spite or any ill meaning. The guy was just trying to joke with me and as it turns out it's not a joke at all. But that's ok. I miss you like crazy and when I get to tell people about you, it makes me happy.
Then just yesterday my joy about your sisters apparently was showing quite a bit because I got this in an email:
Hey Sara;
GRRRRREAT pic of the kids yesterday! What a blessing!
My Pastor has given his yearly prophecy for 2011. He said in 2011
things are going to be different. By "different" he means it will be GOOD!
It will be HEALTHY! It will be PROSPEROUS! It will be JOYOUS! It will be
filled with LOVE! While the world only knows downturn and chaos, we are
to expect the best. We are to believe it in our hearts and confess it, OUT LOUD,
with our mouths! God wants the best for his children.
I am not trying to proselytize or anything. I just sensed your joy showing off
your children. Keep that joy close to your heart. You guys have certainly had
you past challenges and yet prevailed. YOU, your husband and family are truly
BLESSED! Just believe and say it, even when the world, the doctor's report or
your checkbook (and stupid pile of bills!) etc. is saying otherwise.
All the best and blessings to a different, GRRRRRREAT 2011!~
Sincerely,
Tom
So, there you have it. There will be "no trying again for a boy" for your family and there is an obvious gleam from your mama when she talks about your sisters.
Love you little boy.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Exhausted
Hello again little one. Well I am hard at it again today and am feeling the exhaustion of life in general. I've been getting up early to work out each day. I've been trying my best to cook supper every night for our family and keep our house kept up. I've been busy at work. I'm tired. I'm tired for so many reasons that I can't even make into words right now. But here I am. I told a friend this morning that I'm even too tired to argue with anyone right now.
I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that we are taking your little sister back to Denver on the 27th for her head. (I'm still concerned about the bump on her skull, directly underneath her birthmark.)
I'm sure too that it has a lot to do with some friends of ours that are in a horrible situation. Basically they got into a huge argument and he flipped out so much so that he got arrested and is facing criminal charges. Now, let me say I in NO way condone his behavior, but I found out yesterday that she is having an affair with some dude she works with and has been for some time. I'm furious! Yes, hubby screwed up and shouldn't have acted the way that he did, but COME ON! Stay faithful in your marriage for crying out loud. The worst part of it, in my mind at least, is that they have a little boy who will be 1 in April. That little boy is being subjected to this horrible situation. That little guy has no idea what is going on and no way of saying what he's feeling. I'm sure he's confused. I'm sure he misses his daddy. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. How can a parent do such horrible things that affect their children like that? I'm torn about what I should do. Like I said before, I do not condone his behavior. But when I talked to her about what had happened (3 weeks ago), she told me that he had accused her of having an affair and completely denied it. How can I believe that any of the rest of her story is true when she would lie about that? So, I guess I just need to pray about it. Pray that God will bring me peace and lead me in the path He wants me to go on in this situation.
I'm tired too because of my own inner-spiritual vs. world view battle. There are some things I just don't understand in life. There is so much hate in the world and yet people can't seem to just concentrate on the love of Jesus Christ. Why does it have to be about who is right and who is wrong when it comes to circumstances and events? Doesn't God just want us to live life in a way that is pleasing to Him? Shouldn't I live each day like it's my last, leaving nothing on the table? Why can't we think less about changing people through force and more through our personal actions? Shouldn't I try to perfect my thoughts and actions before I tell the rest of the world how wrong they are? I'm frustrated. I'm trying not to worry about it, but how can I not? There are people out there that are hurting. And there are people out there (very well could be me in some circumstances) that just can't get over themselves enough to JUST LOVE THEM! Just love people. Everyone has their flaws. Dang, I know that! But stuffing my personal views of everything from politics to religion to child-care and everything in between down their throats won't show God through me.
I guess you can probably see that I have lots on my mind today. I wish I didn't, but I do. On top of it all, I miss you. But, hey that's no surprise is it? I was driving home just the other day and I had "that" thought again. The, "Oh my goodness, he's dead!" thought. I hate it when that thought comes into my mind. It seems so elementary. It seems as though my mind would be able to process that thought since I think about you every day. But there are times when my heart reminds me that life isn't just about the facts - the fact is, I know that you are gone. But, my heart has a very strange yet powerful ability to say, Hey! Your son, your baby, your second born, your perfect little one is buried in a cemetery up the road from your house and that is a terribly sad thing!" Ugh. Those are the thoughts and feelings that are hard.
Facts, and interpretation of the facts, are easy, feelings...not so much. So, that's where I am right now. Struggling with my feelings. Feeling tired. Feeling frustrated. Feeling sad. Feeling worried. Feeling overwhelmed.
Feeling, feeling, feeling, and yet none of those feelings can give me a glimpse of what it would feel like to have you here. None of those feelings are anything but human. And yet those very real human emotions and feelings are me.
I'm sorry I've been blabbing like crazy today, Carter. I guess I had a lot of things I just needed to get off my chest. Thanks for listening. I love you little one!
I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that we are taking your little sister back to Denver on the 27th for her head. (I'm still concerned about the bump on her skull, directly underneath her birthmark.)
I'm sure too that it has a lot to do with some friends of ours that are in a horrible situation. Basically they got into a huge argument and he flipped out so much so that he got arrested and is facing criminal charges. Now, let me say I in NO way condone his behavior, but I found out yesterday that she is having an affair with some dude she works with and has been for some time. I'm furious! Yes, hubby screwed up and shouldn't have acted the way that he did, but COME ON! Stay faithful in your marriage for crying out loud. The worst part of it, in my mind at least, is that they have a little boy who will be 1 in April. That little boy is being subjected to this horrible situation. That little guy has no idea what is going on and no way of saying what he's feeling. I'm sure he's confused. I'm sure he misses his daddy. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. How can a parent do such horrible things that affect their children like that? I'm torn about what I should do. Like I said before, I do not condone his behavior. But when I talked to her about what had happened (3 weeks ago), she told me that he had accused her of having an affair and completely denied it. How can I believe that any of the rest of her story is true when she would lie about that? So, I guess I just need to pray about it. Pray that God will bring me peace and lead me in the path He wants me to go on in this situation.
I'm tired too because of my own inner-spiritual vs. world view battle. There are some things I just don't understand in life. There is so much hate in the world and yet people can't seem to just concentrate on the love of Jesus Christ. Why does it have to be about who is right and who is wrong when it comes to circumstances and events? Doesn't God just want us to live life in a way that is pleasing to Him? Shouldn't I live each day like it's my last, leaving nothing on the table? Why can't we think less about changing people through force and more through our personal actions? Shouldn't I try to perfect my thoughts and actions before I tell the rest of the world how wrong they are? I'm frustrated. I'm trying not to worry about it, but how can I not? There are people out there that are hurting. And there are people out there (very well could be me in some circumstances) that just can't get over themselves enough to JUST LOVE THEM! Just love people. Everyone has their flaws. Dang, I know that! But stuffing my personal views of everything from politics to religion to child-care and everything in between down their throats won't show God through me.
I guess you can probably see that I have lots on my mind today. I wish I didn't, but I do. On top of it all, I miss you. But, hey that's no surprise is it? I was driving home just the other day and I had "that" thought again. The, "Oh my goodness, he's dead!" thought. I hate it when that thought comes into my mind. It seems so elementary. It seems as though my mind would be able to process that thought since I think about you every day. But there are times when my heart reminds me that life isn't just about the facts - the fact is, I know that you are gone. But, my heart has a very strange yet powerful ability to say, Hey! Your son, your baby, your second born, your perfect little one is buried in a cemetery up the road from your house and that is a terribly sad thing!" Ugh. Those are the thoughts and feelings that are hard.
Facts, and interpretation of the facts, are easy, feelings...not so much. So, that's where I am right now. Struggling with my feelings. Feeling tired. Feeling frustrated. Feeling sad. Feeling worried. Feeling overwhelmed.
Feeling, feeling, feeling, and yet none of those feelings can give me a glimpse of what it would feel like to have you here. None of those feelings are anything but human. And yet those very real human emotions and feelings are me.
I'm sorry I've been blabbing like crazy today, Carter. I guess I had a lot of things I just needed to get off my chest. Thanks for listening. I love you little one!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Another day
Good morning little one. Well it's another day in paradise as the saying goes. Believe it or not, everything has been pretty calm in my life again lately. There are lots of things happening all around me, but my life is pretty calm.
We did go on a trip this last weekend to visit some friends. That was a VERY fun time! The friends we visited used to live here but have since moved away. I was super sad when they left here and when we left there on Monday I was pretty bummed out again. The funny thing about visiting them is that we didn't even do much while we were there. We talked alot, laughed alot and looked at all of our kiddos in amazement. This friend has been there for me through thick and thin. She makes me laugh so hard I cry sometimes. Your big sister and one of her kiddos are 10 months apart in age. And your little sister and their newest addition are only two months apart. It was so fun to just be together for a weekend. I'm not sure when we will get to see them again, hopefully sooner than later. But no matter the time that goes by, she'll still be my buddy!
Other than that, things for your family have been normal. I have some friends who have some pretty major things going on in their lives right now though. One of my mommy friends recently found out that she was pregnant again after losing their little one in December 2008. She was so excited. Her due date was right around your little sister's birthday. Then she found out this weekend that she was miscarrying. My heart broke for her. She seems like she's doing ok. I hope she can let herself grieve this little one and I'm sure this loss brings up all sorts of emotions that have been subdued for a very long time now. I'm sad for my friend. Once again, I don't understand. I don't get why miscarriages happen. Yes, I know all about the logic of it all. But my heart just can't grasp it. She and her husband so desperately want(ed) another baby and would have taken wonderful care of him/her. So why then did their baby die? Why do people who don't even want kids have a half dozen of them? Why do people who beat their wives or do drugs or drink while pregnant have no stinkin' problem having babies?
It's not fair and it sure as heck isn't right. I like to say that I have a list of questions that I will ask God when I get to heaven. And the reality of the situation is that I really do. But the thing I look forward to, more than asking those questions, is holding you and your three siblings when I get there. That is my only saving grace. When I get there, my questions won't matter anymore because everything will be perfect!
I love you!
We did go on a trip this last weekend to visit some friends. That was a VERY fun time! The friends we visited used to live here but have since moved away. I was super sad when they left here and when we left there on Monday I was pretty bummed out again. The funny thing about visiting them is that we didn't even do much while we were there. We talked alot, laughed alot and looked at all of our kiddos in amazement. This friend has been there for me through thick and thin. She makes me laugh so hard I cry sometimes. Your big sister and one of her kiddos are 10 months apart in age. And your little sister and their newest addition are only two months apart. It was so fun to just be together for a weekend. I'm not sure when we will get to see them again, hopefully sooner than later. But no matter the time that goes by, she'll still be my buddy!
Other than that, things for your family have been normal. I have some friends who have some pretty major things going on in their lives right now though. One of my mommy friends recently found out that she was pregnant again after losing their little one in December 2008. She was so excited. Her due date was right around your little sister's birthday. Then she found out this weekend that she was miscarrying. My heart broke for her. She seems like she's doing ok. I hope she can let herself grieve this little one and I'm sure this loss brings up all sorts of emotions that have been subdued for a very long time now. I'm sad for my friend. Once again, I don't understand. I don't get why miscarriages happen. Yes, I know all about the logic of it all. But my heart just can't grasp it. She and her husband so desperately want(ed) another baby and would have taken wonderful care of him/her. So why then did their baby die? Why do people who don't even want kids have a half dozen of them? Why do people who beat their wives or do drugs or drink while pregnant have no stinkin' problem having babies?
It's not fair and it sure as heck isn't right. I like to say that I have a list of questions that I will ask God when I get to heaven. And the reality of the situation is that I really do. But the thing I look forward to, more than asking those questions, is holding you and your three siblings when I get there. That is my only saving grace. When I get there, my questions won't matter anymore because everything will be perfect!
I love you!
Friday, January 14, 2011
A new year
Hey Carter. I love you!
Well, it is officially a new year and I am happy to say it is starting out better than last year ended that's for dang sure!
To start, I have stopped having dreams about you. Now, of course that sounds bad, but I would much rather think of you while I'm not sleeping and have the thoughts be as normal as possible. Those dreams I was having were not fun.
Then, on January 3rd you became a cousin! My brother (your uncle )and his wife (your aunt) welcomed little, or not so little, Knox Benjamin into this world. He is a whopper! Weighing in at 9 lbs 10 ozs. he's gonna give your little sister a run for her money. (She's only 13 lbs. 10 ozs. currently!) I am an "Auntie" and can't wait to meet him in February. Your uncle is taking this daddy thing in stride. And it was amazing to hear the transformation in him from the moment your cousin was born. He's going to be a GREAT daddy!
I don't know what this year will bring. I don't have any real hopes per se. But, I do know that I will do everything in my power to enjoy every day. Every day is a gift, Carter. Nothing in life is guaranteed and you taught me that. You, a 5 lb 3.9 oz little boy who didn't take a breath on Earth, taught me life's greatest lesson.
I've been listening to KLOVE a lot lately, as I always do, and they are talking about choosing one word for the year. One word. One word that will define what someone hopes to get out of the year. So, I've been thinking. And although I haven't made my final decision yet, some of the words that come to mind for me are the "Fruits of the spirit" from the book of Galatians: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Now to just pick one. I'll have to report back on that subject I guess! I'm leaning toward peace though. We'll see if it sticks.
I have been reading something that is pinned to my wall at work a lot lately too. It says:
When I get up in the morning, I will sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better.
God didn't put me on Earth to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we are called human beings, not human doings.
Happy Moments, PRAISE God
Difficult Moments, SEEK God
Quiet Moments, WORSHIP God
Painful Moments, TRUST God
Every Moment, THANK God
God is an awesome God. That I know. And that awesome God has carried me through three miscarriages and a stillborn baby. He has walked beside me through life's biggest celebrations too. I know He was jumping up and down when your sisters were born. I just know it.
Even if I don't understand God and His ways. I know that on my good days He celebrates with me. I know too that on my bad days, He holds me and lets me beat on His chest while I cry. That is love. Pure and simple...LOVE!
Happy New Year, baby boy. I miss you like crazy. I love you more than you could ever imagine!
Well, it is officially a new year and I am happy to say it is starting out better than last year ended that's for dang sure!
To start, I have stopped having dreams about you. Now, of course that sounds bad, but I would much rather think of you while I'm not sleeping and have the thoughts be as normal as possible. Those dreams I was having were not fun.
Then, on January 3rd you became a cousin! My brother (your uncle )and his wife (your aunt) welcomed little, or not so little, Knox Benjamin into this world. He is a whopper! Weighing in at 9 lbs 10 ozs. he's gonna give your little sister a run for her money. (She's only 13 lbs. 10 ozs. currently!) I am an "Auntie" and can't wait to meet him in February. Your uncle is taking this daddy thing in stride. And it was amazing to hear the transformation in him from the moment your cousin was born. He's going to be a GREAT daddy!
I don't know what this year will bring. I don't have any real hopes per se. But, I do know that I will do everything in my power to enjoy every day. Every day is a gift, Carter. Nothing in life is guaranteed and you taught me that. You, a 5 lb 3.9 oz little boy who didn't take a breath on Earth, taught me life's greatest lesson.
I've been listening to KLOVE a lot lately, as I always do, and they are talking about choosing one word for the year. One word. One word that will define what someone hopes to get out of the year. So, I've been thinking. And although I haven't made my final decision yet, some of the words that come to mind for me are the "Fruits of the spirit" from the book of Galatians: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Now to just pick one. I'll have to report back on that subject I guess! I'm leaning toward peace though. We'll see if it sticks.
I have been reading something that is pinned to my wall at work a lot lately too. It says:
When I get up in the morning, I will sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better.
God didn't put me on Earth to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we are called human beings, not human doings.
Happy Moments, PRAISE God
Difficult Moments, SEEK God
Quiet Moments, WORSHIP God
Painful Moments, TRUST God
Every Moment, THANK God
God is an awesome God. That I know. And that awesome God has carried me through three miscarriages and a stillborn baby. He has walked beside me through life's biggest celebrations too. I know He was jumping up and down when your sisters were born. I just know it.
Even if I don't understand God and His ways. I know that on my good days He celebrates with me. I know too that on my bad days, He holds me and lets me beat on His chest while I cry. That is love. Pure and simple...LOVE!
Happy New Year, baby boy. I miss you like crazy. I love you more than you could ever imagine!
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