Tonight is the night (maybe)

Hey buddy! I love you!

Well, last time I wrote I was concerned about your stuff and what I am going to do with all of it. Since then, I've come up with a plan (temtatively anyway)! You see, I don't feel like I can give your stuff to just anyone for a variety of reasons. #1 I don't want someone to think it's weird/creepy to be getting your things. #2 I don't want someone to get your things and not realize what a VERY big deal it is and #3 I am not going to bring your clothes to a consignment shop and make money off of them. I just don't feel right about that.

So, what does that mean? Sounds like I'm between a rock and a hard place to me. But, then I figured it out!

I have a friend whose son you are friends with up there! Little Benjamin who was born still in December 2008 is going to be a big brother in July. His mommy is 5 weeks farther along than me and is going to have a little boy. Your daddy and I went to a dinner celebration of the new baby's life and while we were there I asked Ben's mommy if she would like your things.

You should have seen the look in her eyes when I asked her. She just started crying. She asked me if I was sure and I insisted that I was. Afterall, the baby will be born in July so the seasons are perfect for the clothes to fit the little guy. And she had mentioned to me the week before that she had all of Benjamin's stuff packed away at her mom's house and wasn't sure what she was going to do with all of it...whether she would use it for the new baby or not. So, it just seemed perfect! She gets it, Carter. She get's that it's not just a bunch of clothes. She get's that it's a huge step for me and that was/is a huge relief!

So, we had another appointment on the 25th and when the doctor came into the room to check your little sister's heartbeat I told him that I had brought my very best groveling face to the appointment that day. He just looked at me like I was a goof ball (much like he always does hee hee hee) and asked me why I was groveling. So I explained all of the stuff to him about your things and asked how much groveling/begging it would take to get him to take just one more look to be sure Abby is indeed an Abby and not a Matthew.

No sooner had I explained that and he asked his assistant to clean up the ultrasound room so we could take a look. It was probably a 3 minute ultrasound. But those three minutes brought me a lot of peace and really helped me prepare even more for dealing with your things. Little Abby gave him a CLEAR ;) view of her girl parts, so much so that your daddy and I could even tell right away when he pointed them out.

When I left the doctor's office, I left with a confidence I had not felt before about dealing with your things.

I have all sorts of wonderful people around me that are willing to help me go through your things. But, I think I'm going to at least start going through them tonight after your sister goes to bed. Your daddy is out of town for work and I really think that this is something I need to do on my own. I need the time to look at each piece of your clothing, and to touch each of your blankets all by myself. Time to just be with the things that represent "you". There may be some things that I will keep in a box with the rest of your stuff from the hospital and such. But for the most part, tonight will be about going through your dresser and going through the clothes that have sat in the hamper since your baby shower the night before we found out we lost you and trying to start a new chapter in my healing.

I am not going to pretend that it will be easy, because I know it won't be. But the good news is, I don't feel anxiety about it and that is a really good thing!

Wish me luck! I love you!

"School" Pictures

Hey sweet boy. Well I hope you are doing well. Life around here has been "business as usual" lately and that is a good thing.

I did get slightly shaken this morning though. I dropped your sister off at "school" (you see, that's what we call her daycare) and today is picture day. I knew it was picture day, I even got her all dolled up in a super cute dress for the occasion. The shaken up part came up when I had to fill out the paperwork for the pictures. On it, you have to fill out your child's name and their teacher's name. But that's not all...at least it shouldn't be all. There's a spot on the sheet where you can request for them take pictures of your kids together. It asks for your other child's name and teacher. For just that split second I was taken back.

I should be able to fill that part out! This is just another one of the "shoulds" for me. I should have been able to get you all dolled up in a super cute boy way ;) and brought you to school for your very first set of "school" pictures.

But instead, that part of the paper remained blank. And the photographer will not understand what the emptiness of that space really means.

So, here I am overlooking my morning and feeling ok about it. Feeling ok that I made it through another first. I feel sad, but I don't feel consumed and for that I am grateful.

I love you Carter and know they take the most wonderful pictures up there in heaven!

Catching up

Hey Carter. I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote to you. I feel horrible about not writing more. I guess there's good news though that since I haven't been writing to you much lately I've been feeling pretty good about it all. You see, Carter, I write to you mainly when I'm sad or struggling. I think about you each and every day, but I really only write when I'm having a rough time. So, life as of late has been pretty even-steven.

I'm sure part of the reason life has been ok is because we've been so stinkin' busy lately. We took a trip out to Indiana to see you Uncle Adam and Auntie Melissa. We took a trip to South Dakota for your Uncle Michael's college graduation. We've been running like crazy.

We did get some pretty big news since I last wrote to you though too. We found out that the little one growing inside of me is a girl (at least the doctor is pretty sure it's a girl...she wouldn't sit still). Her name will be Abigail Faith (Abby).

We are happy.

I know that doesn't sound very convincing. We are happy though. The day of our ultrasound we were...well I don't know that there's really a word for what we were. I cried after we left and I think your daddy was pretty close to that point too. It's not that we aren't happy about Abby. We really are. She looks absolutely perfect in there. The doctor said she's measuring perfectly, she's got a four-chambered heart, she's got a 3-vessel umbilical cord, she's absolutely perfect from what they can tell on the ultrasound.

But you see, Carter, it's not as simple as Abby being a girl.

The best way I know to explain it is like this...it tore the scab off of my wound again. It truly is going to force me to deal with the things in your room that say "It's a boy!" All of your clothes are still in the dresser and in the laundry basket from the night before we found out we lost you. And all of our "boy" hopes and dreams once again feel like sand slipping through my fingers. Your daddy and I don't plan on having another baby after Abby so my dreams of football, baseball, the "million dollar family", and my dreams of having a relationship with my son are once again gone. So what do I do with all of the stuff? Do I give it all away? Do I save it all because it reminds me of you? Well, it is just stuff...and stuff isn't what life is all about. I know I need to store up my treasure in heaven.

I'm sure to some people I sound like a horrible person for even thinking things like that, but you know what...I don't care. I don't care what people think. I'll be judged for the rest of my life. I'll be judged because of my outlook on life as a result of losing you. I'll be judged for "not being excited or happy enough" or for "being overly emotional" or "overly protective". So, I know I can't please everyone. Heck, I'll probably never please most anyone in life. I do go through my life knowing that I'm doing the best I can though. The best I can with the hand I've been dealt. And the people who I truly care about and that care about me, recognize that.

I love you, Carter. I hope you are having lots of fun with your friends. I miss you every day! I love you!