Happy 3 month Heavenly Birthday sweet boy! I'm sorry it' been a while again since I've written to you. Last week was Thanksgiving and we just got back today from Nana & Bumpa's house. Don't worry though, we still celebrated your very special day today. Your daddy went and bought you another balloon and we were actually able to go visit you to send it this month! It was a beautiful day perfect for a balloon release. :) We took pictures again so I can scrapbook them.
Well little one there's not much else to report today. I hope you get some good rest tonight and that you had lots of fun with your friends today. I love you!
Monday, November 30, 2009
November 23, 2009
Hey baby! I love you! Today was a sad day for your mommy. No real reason and no real trigger, I just missed my little boy. I did get to go see you though and that always helps a little bit. I realize more every day just how much I miss you and how much you blessed my life by just your being you. Life is such a precious gift and the gift of carrying you is one I will always treasure. I still can't believe you are gone. I miss feeling you move. I wish I would have held you longer than I did. I wish I would have never had to let you go. I love you Carter. Sweet dreams little one!
November 22, 2009
Hi! Sorry it's been so long since I have written to you. I have thought about you constantly. This week was an ok week. I saw some geese flying the other day and it made me think of you. I guess that will be our thing! Not much has gone on since we last talked. Daddy and I worked, your sister went to school, we took your pets to the vet for their check-ups. Crater has to go in tomorrow for x-rays. The doctor thinks he might have lower back problems. :( The good news is he thinks we'll be able to treat it. I'm worried about him but trust the vet to take good care of your oldest furry sibling. He's such a good boy. Your daddy took a nap tonight so I sat downstairs and Crater laid on my lap all evening. He's such a sweet cat.
This week is Thanksgiving. We are headed up to South Dakota to see Nana & Bumpa. Your daddy is excited to go on a trip and I'm sure your sister will be happy to see them. I on the other hand would rather stay home so I could visit you. It makes me sad to think about leaving you on our first major holiday without you here to hold. :(
I bought your daddy's big present for Christmas this weekend. I think he'll really like it since he asked specifically for it! I am going to surprise him with some other stuff too though.
I can't believe it's almost been three months since you went home. The time has both flown by and crawled. I can't believe it still when I think about you being truly gone from this earth. I wish every second of every day that I could hold you again and tell you to your face how much I love you. I just can't believe you are gone.
Well little one, I should get to sleep. I sleep every night with the bear they gave us at the hospital when we had you. It helps me to sleep better. I love you! Sweet dreams little one!
This week is Thanksgiving. We are headed up to South Dakota to see Nana & Bumpa. Your daddy is excited to go on a trip and I'm sure your sister will be happy to see them. I on the other hand would rather stay home so I could visit you. It makes me sad to think about leaving you on our first major holiday without you here to hold. :(
I bought your daddy's big present for Christmas this weekend. I think he'll really like it since he asked specifically for it! I am going to surprise him with some other stuff too though.
I can't believe it's almost been three months since you went home. The time has both flown by and crawled. I can't believe it still when I think about you being truly gone from this earth. I wish every second of every day that I could hold you again and tell you to your face how much I love you. I just can't believe you are gone.
Well little one, I should get to sleep. I sleep every night with the bear they gave us at the hospital when we had you. It helps me to sleep better. I love you! Sweet dreams little one!
November 15, 2009
Hello there little one! Well, it's Sunday and tomorrow I head back to work for the week. It sure is nice to have weekends though. Especially weekends where we got to go to two birthday parties. Your sister was so happy because she got to eat cake twice. :)
I got our Christmas decorations out today. It's a couple of weeks earlier than I normally get everything out and I'm not totally sure why I did, but most everything is up and it looks really nice. I wish you were here in my arms so I could see what you think about the lights on the tree. And I wish I could take your foot and make a footprint on our tree skirt. But instead, I painted an angel above your name and that is what I'll continue to do every year for you, my sweet little boy. I miss you so much. Your daddy misses you terribly too. He was pretty sad today. He said he was sad about you. It breaks my heart. I would give anything to have you back. I love you, Carter!
I got our Christmas decorations out today. It's a couple of weeks earlier than I normally get everything out and I'm not totally sure why I did, but most everything is up and it looks really nice. I wish you were here in my arms so I could see what you think about the lights on the tree. And I wish I could take your foot and make a footprint on our tree skirt. But instead, I painted an angel above your name and that is what I'll continue to do every year for you, my sweet little boy. I miss you so much. Your daddy misses you terribly too. He was pretty sad today. He said he was sad about you. It breaks my heart. I would give anything to have you back. I love you, Carter!
November 14, 2009
Good evening to my favorite boy in the world! Well, it's been a few days since I last wrote to you but I've been thinking about you constantly. I went to visit you today and your new pinwheel was there. It is metal and wonderful! Dan ordered it for you and it is perfect. It was completely still out there today. I was amazed. Today is your friend Josh's 2 month birthday. I bet you two are up there having a great time. I am so glad you are surrounded by little ones up there and I am grateful that I have "met" so many great mommies because of you! You continue to do great things Carter! Even if you spirit is gone from this earth, you live on in so many peoples' hearts. I am so proud of you! I love you!
November 11, 2009
Hey you! Well I had a nice day at home with your sister today. She sure is sweet and I am sure you would have been just as sweet as she is. Every time we go visit you she always tells you goodbye as we drive away. She loves you too buddy! I have never seen as many people at the cemetery as we saw today. There were lots of people out there visiting for Veteran's Day. I got a call from baby Tex's mommy again today. I completely forgot that his two month heavenly birthday was this week. You've got lots of friends up there don't you little guy?
I miss you so much. I was looking at your daddy's ears before he went to work tonight and couldn't help but smile. You had your daddy's ears you know!
Tomorrow is Thursday. I wish with all of my heart I could have taught you what "Thursday" is. There are so many things I wish I could have taught you.
Dr. Storey called me tonight. He's such a wonderful person. We've been having those problems getting your stillbirth certificate and he's been helping us out. So tonight he called me to see if things were finally moving along. It was so nice to hear his voice and to know how much he cares about us...how much he cares about you!
I miss you so much. I was looking at your daddy's ears before he went to work tonight and couldn't help but smile. You had your daddy's ears you know!
Tomorrow is Thursday. I wish with all of my heart I could have taught you what "Thursday" is. There are so many things I wish I could have taught you.
Dr. Storey called me tonight. He's such a wonderful person. We've been having those problems getting your stillbirth certificate and he's been helping us out. So tonight he called me to see if things were finally moving along. It was so nice to hear his voice and to know how much he cares about us...how much he cares about you!
November 10, 2009
Hey there little boy!
I love you and hope you are having fun up there today. Today is a couple of your friends' 9 month heavenly birthday so I would imagine there is some celebrating going on. Jayden and Layla were both born still on February 10, 2009. I can't even imagine what life will be like after you've been gone for that long. It will be May of 2010. I guess there is no sense in trying to imagine because I can't.
I am planning on going out to visit you again tomorrow. It's been a few days and I just can't wait to see you again. I think first of all I'm going to have to bring your sister to the doctor though. She isn't feeling well so I'd better get her checked out! Tomorrow is also Veteran's Day. It is a very special day that we take off from work to celebrate the things people in the armed services have done for us. There are lots of flags out at the cemetery all around you to honor those people who have served.
Today was a blah day. I wasn't up and I wasn't down. I just kind of existed. That's ok though. I really try to focus my energy every day on the things that are truly important in my life and not so much on the things that don't matter in the greater scheme of things.
I love you with all of my heart Carter Alan. Sweet dreams my love. Mommy loves you!
I love you and hope you are having fun up there today. Today is a couple of your friends' 9 month heavenly birthday so I would imagine there is some celebrating going on. Jayden and Layla were both born still on February 10, 2009. I can't even imagine what life will be like after you've been gone for that long. It will be May of 2010. I guess there is no sense in trying to imagine because I can't.
I am planning on going out to visit you again tomorrow. It's been a few days and I just can't wait to see you again. I think first of all I'm going to have to bring your sister to the doctor though. She isn't feeling well so I'd better get her checked out! Tomorrow is also Veteran's Day. It is a very special day that we take off from work to celebrate the things people in the armed services have done for us. There are lots of flags out at the cemetery all around you to honor those people who have served.
Today was a blah day. I wasn't up and I wasn't down. I just kind of existed. That's ok though. I really try to focus my energy every day on the things that are truly important in my life and not so much on the things that don't matter in the greater scheme of things.
I love you with all of my heart Carter Alan. Sweet dreams my love. Mommy loves you!
November 8, 2009
Hey little boy! I love you!
It has been a few days since I have written to you. I'm sorry! I talked to some of your friends' mommies tonight. It was nice. We did talk about guilt and the what ifs though. I hope you know I did what I felt was right and did everything I could to be sure you were ok. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about what if I had gone to the doctor earlier. Would you have been ok? Please understand that it is painful for me to think about things like that so the majority of the time I just don't.
We went to visit you twice yesterday. We went to dinner at a place just to the east of where you are so we stopped on the way out there and again on the way home. Your pinwheel wasn't even moving. It was such a calm night. I love you so much. I can't believe you are gone. I can't believe I have to go to a cemetery to visit my son. It breaks my heart.
Your daddy and I are going to try to have another baby. Please know we aren't trying to replace you. Because we never could! But we want another child that we can raise. Nothing could ever replace you in my heart Carter. I love you so much and can't believe yesterday was the 10 week mark. I should be getting ready to go back to work an should be watching you learn to smile. That breaks my heart. But instead, I have been back to work for over a month now and I'll not be able to see you smile until I get to heaven some day. I can't wait for that day. I don't think I'll ever let you go again.
I love you!
It has been a few days since I have written to you. I'm sorry! I talked to some of your friends' mommies tonight. It was nice. We did talk about guilt and the what ifs though. I hope you know I did what I felt was right and did everything I could to be sure you were ok. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about what if I had gone to the doctor earlier. Would you have been ok? Please understand that it is painful for me to think about things like that so the majority of the time I just don't.
We went to visit you twice yesterday. We went to dinner at a place just to the east of where you are so we stopped on the way out there and again on the way home. Your pinwheel wasn't even moving. It was such a calm night. I love you so much. I can't believe you are gone. I can't believe I have to go to a cemetery to visit my son. It breaks my heart.
Your daddy and I are going to try to have another baby. Please know we aren't trying to replace you. Because we never could! But we want another child that we can raise. Nothing could ever replace you in my heart Carter. I love you so much and can't believe yesterday was the 10 week mark. I should be getting ready to go back to work an should be watching you learn to smile. That breaks my heart. But instead, I have been back to work for over a month now and I'll not be able to see you smile until I get to heaven some day. I can't wait for that day. I don't think I'll ever let you go again.
I love you!
November 5, 2009
Hello again little boy. Today was a better day. It was still a hard one but it didn't seem as sad as it had yesterday. I had a couple meetings today with people I hadn't seen since we lost you so that was hard, but it actually went better than I had expected. I did cry when I told them about you but all in all I just enjoyed the time I got to just sit there and talk about my wonderful, beautiful, perfect little boy!
November 4, 2009
Well hello there little boy.
It's been a while since I have written to you and for that I am sorry! Life has gotten away from me. They did install your headstone on November 2nd and it looks really nice. I don't think I could be happier with it. Since we last talked, your two month birthday also passed. It was really snowy outside. We had planned to go to the cemetery to let a balloon go for you but there was too much snow. We were afraid we wouldn't be able to get there or we would get stuck. So we let your balloon go from home. It was nice. We took pictures so we could put them in the scrapbook.
Other than that we haven't really done much. I guess we did go to another concert. It was nice. We watched Kimber Rising, Building 429 and Todd Agnew. They are all really good bands. I was glad we went. It was hard though. Kimber Rising played Amazing Love which we had at your funeral and Building 429 sang a song called Always. In the song they talk about a mommy whose little boy would be 3. I cried and cried. After the concert, your daddy and I went to see you.
There are so many days that I just can't believe you are gone. Today is one of those days. I don't really know what triggered it but I do know that I was thinking some about Thanksgiving and Christmas and that didn't help the situation any. Then after work I went to see you and your pinwheel had broken and your toy car had blown away. It made me so sad. I did find your car and our friend Dan brought you a new pinwheel already tonight. We are very blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives that care so very much about all of us, you included!
Well little boy, I should go spend some time playing with your sister before bedtime. I can't believe she's going to be 2 in just over a month. She has gotten so big so fast just like you would have no doubt! I love you with all that I am Carter and miss you every single second of every day!
I love you!
It's been a while since I have written to you and for that I am sorry! Life has gotten away from me. They did install your headstone on November 2nd and it looks really nice. I don't think I could be happier with it. Since we last talked, your two month birthday also passed. It was really snowy outside. We had planned to go to the cemetery to let a balloon go for you but there was too much snow. We were afraid we wouldn't be able to get there or we would get stuck. So we let your balloon go from home. It was nice. We took pictures so we could put them in the scrapbook.
Other than that we haven't really done much. I guess we did go to another concert. It was nice. We watched Kimber Rising, Building 429 and Todd Agnew. They are all really good bands. I was glad we went. It was hard though. Kimber Rising played Amazing Love which we had at your funeral and Building 429 sang a song called Always. In the song they talk about a mommy whose little boy would be 3. I cried and cried. After the concert, your daddy and I went to see you.
There are so many days that I just can't believe you are gone. Today is one of those days. I don't really know what triggered it but I do know that I was thinking some about Thanksgiving and Christmas and that didn't help the situation any. Then after work I went to see you and your pinwheel had broken and your toy car had blown away. It made me so sad. I did find your car and our friend Dan brought you a new pinwheel already tonight. We are very blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives that care so very much about all of us, you included!
Well little boy, I should go spend some time playing with your sister before bedtime. I can't believe she's going to be 2 in just over a month. She has gotten so big so fast just like you would have no doubt! I love you with all that I am Carter and miss you every single second of every day!
I love you!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
October 15, 2009
Hello there little boy. Well, today is a pretty special day. It's a day especially set aside for little ones like you - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I just lit our candle of remembrance for you and all of the other little ones that are up there with you. It's been a tough dy but a great one all at the same time. I have tried my best to spread the word to everyone I know today so hopefully you guys will be able to see our lights shining from way up there. I have met so many of your friends' mommies. I love talking to them about you and their little ones too. I miss you so much, Carter. I know how well you are doing up there, but I still miss seeing your precious little face and kissing your soft skin.
You still keep blessing us though. Little Tex's mommy and daddy came over for supper last night. It was very nice to get to know them better. They miss little Tex so much and are hurting so badly.
I have gotten messages from a couple of friends just letting me know they lit candles for you too. You changed the world Carter Alan! I am SO proud of you! Rest peacefully in Jesus sweet Carter. Mommy and Daddy love you with all that we are!
You still keep blessing us though. Little Tex's mommy and daddy came over for supper last night. It was very nice to get to know them better. They miss little Tex so much and are hurting so badly.
I have gotten messages from a couple of friends just letting me know they lit candles for you too. You changed the world Carter Alan! I am SO proud of you! Rest peacefully in Jesus sweet Carter. Mommy and Daddy love you with all that we are!
October 9, 2009
Well little boy, you have blessed my socks off today. On my way to work today...it is a pretty chilly and yucky day with some snow, I saw probably over 1,000 geese flying in several flocks. They were flying south for the winter. Those geese made me think of you and smile. I thought about you taking your "early flight" to heaven and it made me smile. Then, after I left work for the day, I had some shopping to do and when I left the store, it was snowing again and a snowflake landed on my eyelash and just stayed there for a few seconds. It didn't even melt! I was feeling pretty happy about you so I decided to go visit you before I headed home. When I got to the cemetery, I saw your pinwheel (it always makes me SO happy!) and I got out of my car to be by you. I told you how happy you made me today. Then I was looking around at all your neighbors and noticed how clean their headstones seemed. Before today, all of them seemed kinda dusty and dirty. But today them all looked like they had been washed clean by the snow that had been falling. Seeing them reminded me that you were washed clean before God even took you to heaven to be with him. Much like the love of Jesus was given to those of us who live on Earth to make us clean. Those headstones seemed at that moment to represent how very clean all of your little souls are.
I have decided, through the advice of my counselor, that I need to try to focus more on how God is blessing my life. I believe He wants me to be truly happy and I find myself thinking of you a lot little one.
I was on a run the other day and there were some dogs that ran out at your puppy and me. We were fine and the owner of the dogs came and got them, but that's not what made me think of you...on my way back by the same house, toward the end of our run, a car pulled up to us and asked me if we were ok. The woman had seen the dogs run out at us and wanted to be sure we didn't get hurt. Then on October 1st, one month after your funeral, I got up to go swimming in the morning and was feeling pretty sad. On my way home from swimming, I saw a beautiful sunrise. Seeing the sunrise when I had been so sad made my day a little brighter (no pun intended).
Here's one of the biggest ways I have seen God's blessing because of you though....I mentioned before that you have a neighbor already, his name is Tex. Little Tex was born on 09-09-09 and died the same day. On the day I saw you had a neighbor, I was sad to see him there but was happy at the same time because now you had someone to your left and right. Also, I felt drawn to Tex's family and wondered if I would ever get the chance to meet his mommy. One day I was sitting by you and some flowers on Tex's grave had tipped over so I sat them back up again. Not very long after that a card blew out from the flowers. I picked it up and it had Tex's mommy and Daddy's name and address on it. I felt drawn again to them and decided I would write them a letter. In the letter I told them how sorry I was that Tex had died and that if they ever wanted to talk they could call me. Then I added that I would be at the cemetery on "Saturday at 2" if they wanted to meet me there.
Saturday came and I headed out to the cemetery. I didn't know if Tex's mommy would come or not, and I was at peace with it if she didn't come. Even if she didn't, I at least would get to spend some time with you. I got to the cemetery, and got out of my car to sit by you. I had no sooner sat down and another car drove up. I stood up and the door to the new car opened. It was a woman...I asked her if she was Tex's mommy and she said YES! We sat together and talked for about a half hour about our little boys. During the conversation she mentioned that she hadn't been sure about coming but the night before, she felt a "push" to come. It was amazing to meet the woman whose son is laying next to you. Knowing you and Tex will be by each other forever made meeting his mommy even more special. She and I share a bond that I share with no one else and I am grateful I had the chance to meet her. I haven't seen or heard from her since, but I am once again at peace with that. She made a difference in my life and will forever be a blessing to me and it's all because of you! You are an amazing little boy, Carter Alan. I will always be proud of you and will continue to be amazed at how I continue to see you in my life! :) I love you!
I have decided, through the advice of my counselor, that I need to try to focus more on how God is blessing my life. I believe He wants me to be truly happy and I find myself thinking of you a lot little one.
I was on a run the other day and there were some dogs that ran out at your puppy and me. We were fine and the owner of the dogs came and got them, but that's not what made me think of you...on my way back by the same house, toward the end of our run, a car pulled up to us and asked me if we were ok. The woman had seen the dogs run out at us and wanted to be sure we didn't get hurt. Then on October 1st, one month after your funeral, I got up to go swimming in the morning and was feeling pretty sad. On my way home from swimming, I saw a beautiful sunrise. Seeing the sunrise when I had been so sad made my day a little brighter (no pun intended).
Here's one of the biggest ways I have seen God's blessing because of you though....I mentioned before that you have a neighbor already, his name is Tex. Little Tex was born on 09-09-09 and died the same day. On the day I saw you had a neighbor, I was sad to see him there but was happy at the same time because now you had someone to your left and right. Also, I felt drawn to Tex's family and wondered if I would ever get the chance to meet his mommy. One day I was sitting by you and some flowers on Tex's grave had tipped over so I sat them back up again. Not very long after that a card blew out from the flowers. I picked it up and it had Tex's mommy and Daddy's name and address on it. I felt drawn again to them and decided I would write them a letter. In the letter I told them how sorry I was that Tex had died and that if they ever wanted to talk they could call me. Then I added that I would be at the cemetery on "Saturday at 2" if they wanted to meet me there.
Saturday came and I headed out to the cemetery. I didn't know if Tex's mommy would come or not, and I was at peace with it if she didn't come. Even if she didn't, I at least would get to spend some time with you. I got to the cemetery, and got out of my car to sit by you. I had no sooner sat down and another car drove up. I stood up and the door to the new car opened. It was a woman...I asked her if she was Tex's mommy and she said YES! We sat together and talked for about a half hour about our little boys. During the conversation she mentioned that she hadn't been sure about coming but the night before, she felt a "push" to come. It was amazing to meet the woman whose son is laying next to you. Knowing you and Tex will be by each other forever made meeting his mommy even more special. She and I share a bond that I share with no one else and I am grateful I had the chance to meet her. I haven't seen or heard from her since, but I am once again at peace with that. She made a difference in my life and will forever be a blessing to me and it's all because of you! You are an amazing little boy, Carter Alan. I will always be proud of you and will continue to be amazed at how I continue to see you in my life! :) I love you!
October 7, 2009
Hi there little boy. It's another day today and I can't even put into words how I am feeling. It hurts so bad today to think about you being gone. I feel bad too because I bought this journal so I could write happy things in it and all I have really told you are sad stories. I had a dream last night that I was at your funeral again but they had you outside of your casket and you were laying there all funny. It was a sad dream. I wish I could dream good things. I don't understand why my brain is processing things the way that it is right now.
Today was my third day back to work and it is definitely getting better but still when I leave I don't want to be around people for the rest of the day. I am completely overwhelmed. I feel horrible because I'm crabby all of the time an don't know how to change it. I've been getting more connected with people through NILMDTS and I don't know if it is helping or hurting me. I feel horrible that reading about the journey of other people helps me feel better.
My goodness I miss you.
How is it possible for me to be such a different person than I was only 6 weeks ago?
I found out at work that 62 people donated sick leave to me. I can't believe it...62 people cared enough about me to do that. It's hard for me to understand how I can mean even that much to people when I feel like I don't mean enough to the world to have you here. It's just not fair.
Did you know that I wanted you?
Did you know that I love you?
Today was my third day back to work and it is definitely getting better but still when I leave I don't want to be around people for the rest of the day. I am completely overwhelmed. I feel horrible because I'm crabby all of the time an don't know how to change it. I've been getting more connected with people through NILMDTS and I don't know if it is helping or hurting me. I feel horrible that reading about the journey of other people helps me feel better.
My goodness I miss you.
How is it possible for me to be such a different person than I was only 6 weeks ago?
I found out at work that 62 people donated sick leave to me. I can't believe it...62 people cared enough about me to do that. It's hard for me to understand how I can mean even that much to people when I feel like I don't mean enough to the world to have you here. It's just not fair.
Did you know that I wanted you?
Did you know that I love you?
October 5, 2009
Well, my head is spinning again today. I started back to work 1/2 days this morning and can't even describe the fog in my head right now. I thought I was ready to go back and really, I think I am, but it was just hard. It was especially hard when I got a phone call and told her what had happened. It felt like I had ripped my heart from my chest again. But, I did it and that in itself is amazing. I brought pictures of you to put on my computer and a framed picture of you and a couple of other things to help get me through the days. I am surrounded by people who care about me there but it is hard to sit there while they laugh and tell jokes to try to cheer me up. I know they are only trying to help, but I just want to sit at my desk and blend in. Maybe some day I'll be able to laugh and joke again with all of them, but right now I can't.
I am home for the day now and am sitting in the recliner writing this to you with Crater on my lap on top of the blanket. It is chilly and windy out so it's nice to just sit and relax all by myself.
I don't want to be happy today. I don't want to laugh. I don't want to be with people. I don't even want to exist. But I do, so here I am. I think I'll go visit you before I pick your sister up from daycare today. Did you know I miss you? Did you know I can't believe you are gone?
Everything definitely comes in waves. That's for sure. And tomorrow I'll get up and do it all again. Who knows, tomorrow could go great. I am so happy to only have to work 1/2 days for now.
Well Carter, I don't know what else to say for now, so I'll just say I love you and I'll talk to you again soon.
Love, Mama
I am home for the day now and am sitting in the recliner writing this to you with Crater on my lap on top of the blanket. It is chilly and windy out so it's nice to just sit and relax all by myself.
I don't want to be happy today. I don't want to laugh. I don't want to be with people. I don't even want to exist. But I do, so here I am. I think I'll go visit you before I pick your sister up from daycare today. Did you know I miss you? Did you know I can't believe you are gone?
Everything definitely comes in waves. That's for sure. And tomorrow I'll get up and do it all again. Who knows, tomorrow could go great. I am so happy to only have to work 1/2 days for now.
Well Carter, I don't know what else to say for now, so I'll just say I love you and I'll talk to you again soon.
Love, Mama
Monday, November 23, 2009
Carter's Story - September 27, 2009
This journal is for my sweet little boy, Carter Alan. I love you!
Hey there little boy! I bought this journal especially for you. You have changed my life in such amazing ways and I wanted to be able to tell you all about it. I will take some time to tell you your story in here but more than that, I want you to know all of the wonderful things you did and continue to do for me on a daily basis!
I can't believe it has almost been a month since you grew your wings and flew away to heaven. Tomorrow, Monday, September 28, 2009 was your actual due date. You would have been here by now though because we were scheduled to get induced on the 22nd. I bought you a shadow box, a picture frame and a wall hanging today. Your shadow box will hang at the end of the hallway upstairs so we can see it everyday. It has your Carter license plate, a birthday keepsake with all sorts of information about you, the hat you wore at the hospital and the clay casting of your little feet. The wall hanging says, "Life is not a matter of milestones but of Moments."
I went to visit you again today. I really like where you are. I love driving into the cemetery and seeing your pinwheel shining in the sun as it spins around. Dan and his daughters gave you that as well as some diaper pin holsters. They are pretty darn cute. You have a neighbor to your left and right. I'll tell you the story of your one neighbor sometime. I like it, I think it is a great story.
One thing I think is so amazing about you is the meaning of your name. I love your name and was so very excited to give it to you, and when you passed, I was heart-broken. But then I learned that Carter means "Tourist or Sojourner" more specifically "A temporary resident." I knew it was perfect for you. You were only a temporary resident on this planet but you accomplished so much while you were here. There are lots of people who do not accomplish much of anything while they are alive, but through your life and death, you did great things. That makes your mommy so proud of you! I am proud that you are mine. I love to show you off and to tell people all about little, wonderful you!
You would have been born on the first day of fall. I have always loved fall. I love seeing everything change. I love to step on the leaves and to make them crunch. It's so much fun! I also like fall because the temperature starts to cool off and I am not much of a hot weather person so I really like the cool down.
Well I guess I could start to tell you all about you. I kept a pregnancy journal while I was pregnant with you too but I'll try to write stuff in here so your story is all together.
We found out we were pregnant with you on Wednesday, January 21st I think. I was home with your sister because she had RSV. I took a test and when I saw it was positive, I called and told your daddy. I couldn't believe it when he said, "How did that happen?" Your silly daddy! I was so scared I was going to lose you as we went along. I don't have the easiest pregnancies and when I started bleeding and dind't stop I was afraid you were gone. But, you hung in there. You were a tough little one! I'll never forget feeling you move for the first time either. I was sitting at my desk at work and felt just one little kick in the lower left hand of my belly. I was only 15 weeks pregnant and was amazed I felt you so soon and believed even from then that you were going to be a calm little one. Then at 20 weeks we went in for your ultrasound. Dr. Storey is such a wonderful man and doctor we are very lucky to have him. He was looking around at you and asked if we wanted to know if you were a boy or a girl. We said of course! Your little legs were crossed so he had a hard time but he finally told us you were a little girl. We told him your name would be Madison. Then he looked around some more and apparently you decided to uncross your legs then and Dr. Storey said...I may need to change my mine because what's that? So it turned out you were a boy! :) You refused to show us your face though so we got to schedule another ultrasound at 28 weeks. Dr. Storey almost didn't let us take the picture where he called you a girl but we begged since it is such a good story and he let us take it after he had written on the one picture NOT where he had called you a girl. At our 28 week ultrasound, you weren't so bashful and we confirmed you were a boy. You also showed us your face. We found out at that ultrasound that you were breach so we were worried you woudln't flip.
You remained so quiet in there moving only a little bit here and there but you would always move in the evenings and if I rolled over when I slept you would move too. You did end up flipping around - Because you are a sweet little one ;) I went to my appointment on Wednesday, August 26th. It was a typical appointment. I saw Dr. Storey and he said your heartbeat was in the 140s and that he would see me again in two weeks. He was leaving the next day to ride his bike in France. So, I left the appointment and called your daddy to let him know you were doing good.
My week at work had been stressful which is not typical at all and on Thursday, your daddy and I had an argument. To top it off, my boss said some not very nice things too at the end of the day. So I left work and called my friend Mindy to tell her all about my day and I cried and cried and cried. I know I had to seem ok later on though because my friends were throwing me a baby shower for me that evening. I went to the shower, it was very nice. When I got home that night I was sitting in your room taking care of all the gifts we had received and I realized I hadn't felt you move since the night before whild your daddy and I were getting your sister ready for bed. I remember telling Hannah that her little brother was awake. :) Like I said before though, you dind't ever move much and since the day had been so busy and stressful, I didn't think much of not feeling you. So, I went to sleep and I woke up at 2:45 am and got worried again because I still hadn't felt you move so at 3:15 am I went downstairs and drank some juice because they say juice will wake babies yo in your tummy and get them to move around. So from 3:15 to 3:45 I sat with my hands on my belly just waiting to feel you move. During that time, the cats wouldn't leave me alone. They kept crawling up on my belly and lap to sit. I tried once again not to worry about not feeling you move and didn't want to wake your daddy up to take me in to the hospital and didn't know who I would call to take care of your sister either. I was worried again though when I rolled over and you dind't wiggle around then either.
When I got up that morning, I ate some cereal and drank another juice and you still didn't move. So I left for work and sent a text message to my friend Leah from the doctor's office asking her to call me when she had some time. When she called me, I told her everything that had happened and she told me to come in at 9:00 am for a non-stress test. When I got to work, I told Dan about the appointment and that I needed to go at 9. When the time came to leave, I called Mindy and we talked the entire way to the doctor's office. Mindy said she would keep talking to me during the appointment but I told her I would be ok. Your daddy was at home with your big sister and Porter so I didn't ask him to come with me and he didn't even know I was going because I didn't want to worry him.
So I sat in the waiting room hoping for the best but fearing the worst. When Leah saw me she came and felt my tummy and told me I should have called last night and they would have gotten me in even then. I tried my hardest not to cry. I sat in the chair and they put the fetal heart monitor on. I felt my heart sink when there was no heartbeat immediately. They had never needed to search for your little heartbeat. They put the monitor all over my tummy - low, high, left, right and still no heartbeat. I was trying my hardest not to panic because I knew my panicing would not help the situation at all. So, I held my tears in as best I could while the horrible fear of you being gone ran through my head. Leah asked me where your daddy was and when I told her, she called our friend Tiffany to go over to our house so your daddy could come down. I called your daddy and told him that he needed to come to the doctor's office because I hadn't felt you move, they couldn't find a heartbeat and that they were going to take me in for an ultrasound. It was right about the the doctor came in nand said let's go take a look.
When we got into the ultrasound room, she put it on my tummy and looked around for a bit. Then she said, "That's his heart, I'm sorry." My worst fears had come true. You had died. I just sat there crying and saying Oh my God over and over again. I asked what we needed to do and she told me I would need to deliver you but that I wouldn't have to wait and could go right over to the hospital. So, I called your Bumpa and told him because I wanted your Nana to find out by someone telling her face-to-face. Then your daddy came and I don't even remember what I told him but as we waited to talk to the doctor who would deliver you, we just sat there.
Dr. Beveridge was his name. I had only met him once before. He came in and told us what to expect and that we may never know what happened but they could do bloodwork and genetic testing to try to find out. Off to the hospital we went. I remember walking into the delivery room and seeing the baby warmer. That was the first thing I asked them to take out of there. I couldn't stand to look at it. I was not feeling very well at all so even before they started to induce me, they gave me an epidural. I couldn't even tell you how many people came and went from our room that day. It is such a blur. So as we waited for your grand parents to get there, we just sat and tried to pass the time. Your Uncle Michael was already planning a trip home so it wasn't hard for him to come the extra little bit to Cheyenne and your Uncle Adam went right to the airport to get on a flight. He was scheduled to fly right into Cheyenne around 9:00 pm that night. Then one of his flights got canceled and they weren't going to be able to get him on another one until 9:30 am the next morning. He got on stand-by for a flight that night that would get him to Denver at 11:10 pm we we all waited to see if he'd get a seat.
Meanwhile I had dilated to 4 cm and they decided to break my water. At 8:00 pm they asked me if I wanted to speed up the process and I asked to wait until we knew if Adam was going to get there or not. At 9:00 pm we found out that Adam had gotten onto the flight and Dan headed down to Denver to get him.
Around 10:00 pm your daddy and I asked everyone to leave so we could get some rest. At 10:50 pm I got the urge to push. I wasn't ready though. But they came and checked me and I was 9 cm and a +2 station. Dr. Beveridge said that was ok though and the longer we waited, the further you would come down and that would make it so I wouldn't have to push for as long.
As the time went on, I remember feeling more and more scared. Scared to have it all be over with. Scared to hold you. Scared to see the proof that you were gone.
Your Uncle Adam got to the hospital at 1:00 am. He came right up to our room and we were able to visit with him for about 15 minutes or so. When he left the room, your daddy and I were alone for a minute or two and I told him how scared I was to have to do this. I didn't know if I could.
Then the doctor, our nurse, the nursery nurse and the photographer came in and it was time to start. I remember my contractions almost completely stopping (or at least it seemed like that). But at 1:33 am there you were. Dr. Beveridge held you to show us how your little cord was wrapped around both of your legs and then around your one leg two more times. You didn't have a chance. Every time you kicked your little legs, it got tighter and tighter.
Right after he cut the cord, they put you on my tummy to hold. You were so white. It broke my heart. But you were also so perfect. I didn't understand how it was possible for me to be holding my dead baby. I didn't cry right away which was surprising to me. I didn't cry when they told me your weight (5 lbs. 3.9 ozs.) or your length (19 1/2 in.) or when I watched them give you a bath, but after they had you all washed up and bundled in the blankets with your little hat on, I sobbed when they gave you to me. So perfect, so, so, so perfect you were. How was this possible? The photographer took bunches and bunches of pictures of the three of us for a while and then it was time for everyone else to get to see and hold you. Your Bumpa, Nana, Uncle Adam, Grandpa Billy, Grandma Annie and Uncle Michael each got to spend some time with you. Then fourteen of our friends got to do the same. It was amazing. To see all of our friends and family is something I'll never forget. It was a huge comfort for me to know that those people got to experience you even if it was just for a few minute.
We were told we could have you with us for as long as we wanted you there and that the hospital would call the funeral home when we were ready. We kept you with us until 5:50 am. I had stared and stared at you before that so I wouldn't forget what you looked like and I had kissed you and nuzzled your nose so I wouldn't forget how you felt. I will never forget watching that woman walk out of the room with you in her arms. Just like that, you were gone from me.
Your daddy and I went to sleep after you left but I was only able to sleep for an hour before I woke up with the words of the song Blessed be Your Name running through my head. I cried and cried. I told your daddy I wanted that song at your funeral. We got to go home around 11:00 am and were able to nap for a while before we needed to go to the funeral home to make arrangements. You were buried in a long-sleeve outfit that said "Touchdown" on it, white booties with the Wyoming Cowboys logo in them and a white hat with a blue whale on it. We also buried you with a nice cuddly blanket and a toy bear/blanket. Your casket was blue gingham fabric. It looked soft and comfy.
I had told you before they took you that morning I would do everything I could to be sure you were comfortable, warm and not scared. We picked the cemetery out east of town to bury you in. You would be next to the other babies. That day we also bought me a ring with your birthstone in it so I could always wear something to remind me of you. I went home that afternoon and picked out a bunch of pictures to have in a slide show at the funeral set to the music of Blessed be Your Name. The other songs we picked for the service were Amazing Love/You are My King, and Never let Go.
Your funeral was beautiful. Pastor Dan did a wonderful job and people even laughed at times. The song we ended the funeral with was Everlasting God. It was perfect. As we followed your casket out of the church, I tried to look around at all of the people who were there. I couldn't believe it. And on the way to the cemetery, I couldn't believe the line of cars that followed us. There were more than 180 people at your funeral little boy! It was amazing!
Two weeks after you were gone, we took a trip to Colorado Springs for six days. It was nice to just get away for a while.
Since your funeral, two different families that we are friends with have come to our church. It's all because of you!
And since you have been gone, life has gone on. I hate that. I hate that I only have pictures of you to hold and a video of your funeral to watch. If I want to be physically close to you I have to go to a cemetery. When I went there just the a few days ago, it broke my heart when I realized there was only earth between the two of us and couldn't believe the thoughts in my head of wanting to hold you so badly that I felt like digging you up. What a horrible feeling. I knew that I wouldn't really do it but at that time, it seemed like such a simple solution.
We have ordered your headstone. It will say Playing in God's Garden, Carter Alan Janes, Loved Son and Brother, Aug. 29, 2009. Hopefully it will stay warm for at least a little while longer so they can set it this fall instead of having to wait until next spring.
Hey there little boy! I bought this journal especially for you. You have changed my life in such amazing ways and I wanted to be able to tell you all about it. I will take some time to tell you your story in here but more than that, I want you to know all of the wonderful things you did and continue to do for me on a daily basis!
I can't believe it has almost been a month since you grew your wings and flew away to heaven. Tomorrow, Monday, September 28, 2009 was your actual due date. You would have been here by now though because we were scheduled to get induced on the 22nd. I bought you a shadow box, a picture frame and a wall hanging today. Your shadow box will hang at the end of the hallway upstairs so we can see it everyday. It has your Carter license plate, a birthday keepsake with all sorts of information about you, the hat you wore at the hospital and the clay casting of your little feet. The wall hanging says, "Life is not a matter of milestones but of Moments."
I went to visit you again today. I really like where you are. I love driving into the cemetery and seeing your pinwheel shining in the sun as it spins around. Dan and his daughters gave you that as well as some diaper pin holsters. They are pretty darn cute. You have a neighbor to your left and right. I'll tell you the story of your one neighbor sometime. I like it, I think it is a great story.
One thing I think is so amazing about you is the meaning of your name. I love your name and was so very excited to give it to you, and when you passed, I was heart-broken. But then I learned that Carter means "Tourist or Sojourner" more specifically "A temporary resident." I knew it was perfect for you. You were only a temporary resident on this planet but you accomplished so much while you were here. There are lots of people who do not accomplish much of anything while they are alive, but through your life and death, you did great things. That makes your mommy so proud of you! I am proud that you are mine. I love to show you off and to tell people all about little, wonderful you!
You would have been born on the first day of fall. I have always loved fall. I love seeing everything change. I love to step on the leaves and to make them crunch. It's so much fun! I also like fall because the temperature starts to cool off and I am not much of a hot weather person so I really like the cool down.
Well I guess I could start to tell you all about you. I kept a pregnancy journal while I was pregnant with you too but I'll try to write stuff in here so your story is all together.
We found out we were pregnant with you on Wednesday, January 21st I think. I was home with your sister because she had RSV. I took a test and when I saw it was positive, I called and told your daddy. I couldn't believe it when he said, "How did that happen?" Your silly daddy! I was so scared I was going to lose you as we went along. I don't have the easiest pregnancies and when I started bleeding and dind't stop I was afraid you were gone. But, you hung in there. You were a tough little one! I'll never forget feeling you move for the first time either. I was sitting at my desk at work and felt just one little kick in the lower left hand of my belly. I was only 15 weeks pregnant and was amazed I felt you so soon and believed even from then that you were going to be a calm little one. Then at 20 weeks we went in for your ultrasound. Dr. Storey is such a wonderful man and doctor we are very lucky to have him. He was looking around at you and asked if we wanted to know if you were a boy or a girl. We said of course! Your little legs were crossed so he had a hard time but he finally told us you were a little girl. We told him your name would be Madison. Then he looked around some more and apparently you decided to uncross your legs then and Dr. Storey said...I may need to change my mine because what's that? So it turned out you were a boy! :) You refused to show us your face though so we got to schedule another ultrasound at 28 weeks. Dr. Storey almost didn't let us take the picture where he called you a girl but we begged since it is such a good story and he let us take it after he had written on the one picture NOT where he had called you a girl. At our 28 week ultrasound, you weren't so bashful and we confirmed you were a boy. You also showed us your face. We found out at that ultrasound that you were breach so we were worried you woudln't flip.
You remained so quiet in there moving only a little bit here and there but you would always move in the evenings and if I rolled over when I slept you would move too. You did end up flipping around - Because you are a sweet little one ;) I went to my appointment on Wednesday, August 26th. It was a typical appointment. I saw Dr. Storey and he said your heartbeat was in the 140s and that he would see me again in two weeks. He was leaving the next day to ride his bike in France. So, I left the appointment and called your daddy to let him know you were doing good.
My week at work had been stressful which is not typical at all and on Thursday, your daddy and I had an argument. To top it off, my boss said some not very nice things too at the end of the day. So I left work and called my friend Mindy to tell her all about my day and I cried and cried and cried. I know I had to seem ok later on though because my friends were throwing me a baby shower for me that evening. I went to the shower, it was very nice. When I got home that night I was sitting in your room taking care of all the gifts we had received and I realized I hadn't felt you move since the night before whild your daddy and I were getting your sister ready for bed. I remember telling Hannah that her little brother was awake. :) Like I said before though, you dind't ever move much and since the day had been so busy and stressful, I didn't think much of not feeling you. So, I went to sleep and I woke up at 2:45 am and got worried again because I still hadn't felt you move so at 3:15 am I went downstairs and drank some juice because they say juice will wake babies yo in your tummy and get them to move around. So from 3:15 to 3:45 I sat with my hands on my belly just waiting to feel you move. During that time, the cats wouldn't leave me alone. They kept crawling up on my belly and lap to sit. I tried once again not to worry about not feeling you move and didn't want to wake your daddy up to take me in to the hospital and didn't know who I would call to take care of your sister either. I was worried again though when I rolled over and you dind't wiggle around then either.
When I got up that morning, I ate some cereal and drank another juice and you still didn't move. So I left for work and sent a text message to my friend Leah from the doctor's office asking her to call me when she had some time. When she called me, I told her everything that had happened and she told me to come in at 9:00 am for a non-stress test. When I got to work, I told Dan about the appointment and that I needed to go at 9. When the time came to leave, I called Mindy and we talked the entire way to the doctor's office. Mindy said she would keep talking to me during the appointment but I told her I would be ok. Your daddy was at home with your big sister and Porter so I didn't ask him to come with me and he didn't even know I was going because I didn't want to worry him.
So I sat in the waiting room hoping for the best but fearing the worst. When Leah saw me she came and felt my tummy and told me I should have called last night and they would have gotten me in even then. I tried my hardest not to cry. I sat in the chair and they put the fetal heart monitor on. I felt my heart sink when there was no heartbeat immediately. They had never needed to search for your little heartbeat. They put the monitor all over my tummy - low, high, left, right and still no heartbeat. I was trying my hardest not to panic because I knew my panicing would not help the situation at all. So, I held my tears in as best I could while the horrible fear of you being gone ran through my head. Leah asked me where your daddy was and when I told her, she called our friend Tiffany to go over to our house so your daddy could come down. I called your daddy and told him that he needed to come to the doctor's office because I hadn't felt you move, they couldn't find a heartbeat and that they were going to take me in for an ultrasound. It was right about the the doctor came in nand said let's go take a look.
When we got into the ultrasound room, she put it on my tummy and looked around for a bit. Then she said, "That's his heart, I'm sorry." My worst fears had come true. You had died. I just sat there crying and saying Oh my God over and over again. I asked what we needed to do and she told me I would need to deliver you but that I wouldn't have to wait and could go right over to the hospital. So, I called your Bumpa and told him because I wanted your Nana to find out by someone telling her face-to-face. Then your daddy came and I don't even remember what I told him but as we waited to talk to the doctor who would deliver you, we just sat there.
Dr. Beveridge was his name. I had only met him once before. He came in and told us what to expect and that we may never know what happened but they could do bloodwork and genetic testing to try to find out. Off to the hospital we went. I remember walking into the delivery room and seeing the baby warmer. That was the first thing I asked them to take out of there. I couldn't stand to look at it. I was not feeling very well at all so even before they started to induce me, they gave me an epidural. I couldn't even tell you how many people came and went from our room that day. It is such a blur. So as we waited for your grand parents to get there, we just sat and tried to pass the time. Your Uncle Michael was already planning a trip home so it wasn't hard for him to come the extra little bit to Cheyenne and your Uncle Adam went right to the airport to get on a flight. He was scheduled to fly right into Cheyenne around 9:00 pm that night. Then one of his flights got canceled and they weren't going to be able to get him on another one until 9:30 am the next morning. He got on stand-by for a flight that night that would get him to Denver at 11:10 pm we we all waited to see if he'd get a seat.
Meanwhile I had dilated to 4 cm and they decided to break my water. At 8:00 pm they asked me if I wanted to speed up the process and I asked to wait until we knew if Adam was going to get there or not. At 9:00 pm we found out that Adam had gotten onto the flight and Dan headed down to Denver to get him.
Around 10:00 pm your daddy and I asked everyone to leave so we could get some rest. At 10:50 pm I got the urge to push. I wasn't ready though. But they came and checked me and I was 9 cm and a +2 station. Dr. Beveridge said that was ok though and the longer we waited, the further you would come down and that would make it so I wouldn't have to push for as long.
As the time went on, I remember feeling more and more scared. Scared to have it all be over with. Scared to hold you. Scared to see the proof that you were gone.
Your Uncle Adam got to the hospital at 1:00 am. He came right up to our room and we were able to visit with him for about 15 minutes or so. When he left the room, your daddy and I were alone for a minute or two and I told him how scared I was to have to do this. I didn't know if I could.
Then the doctor, our nurse, the nursery nurse and the photographer came in and it was time to start. I remember my contractions almost completely stopping (or at least it seemed like that). But at 1:33 am there you were. Dr. Beveridge held you to show us how your little cord was wrapped around both of your legs and then around your one leg two more times. You didn't have a chance. Every time you kicked your little legs, it got tighter and tighter.
Right after he cut the cord, they put you on my tummy to hold. You were so white. It broke my heart. But you were also so perfect. I didn't understand how it was possible for me to be holding my dead baby. I didn't cry right away which was surprising to me. I didn't cry when they told me your weight (5 lbs. 3.9 ozs.) or your length (19 1/2 in.) or when I watched them give you a bath, but after they had you all washed up and bundled in the blankets with your little hat on, I sobbed when they gave you to me. So perfect, so, so, so perfect you were. How was this possible? The photographer took bunches and bunches of pictures of the three of us for a while and then it was time for everyone else to get to see and hold you. Your Bumpa, Nana, Uncle Adam, Grandpa Billy, Grandma Annie and Uncle Michael each got to spend some time with you. Then fourteen of our friends got to do the same. It was amazing. To see all of our friends and family is something I'll never forget. It was a huge comfort for me to know that those people got to experience you even if it was just for a few minute.
We were told we could have you with us for as long as we wanted you there and that the hospital would call the funeral home when we were ready. We kept you with us until 5:50 am. I had stared and stared at you before that so I wouldn't forget what you looked like and I had kissed you and nuzzled your nose so I wouldn't forget how you felt. I will never forget watching that woman walk out of the room with you in her arms. Just like that, you were gone from me.
Your daddy and I went to sleep after you left but I was only able to sleep for an hour before I woke up with the words of the song Blessed be Your Name running through my head. I cried and cried. I told your daddy I wanted that song at your funeral. We got to go home around 11:00 am and were able to nap for a while before we needed to go to the funeral home to make arrangements. You were buried in a long-sleeve outfit that said "Touchdown" on it, white booties with the Wyoming Cowboys logo in them and a white hat with a blue whale on it. We also buried you with a nice cuddly blanket and a toy bear/blanket. Your casket was blue gingham fabric. It looked soft and comfy.
I had told you before they took you that morning I would do everything I could to be sure you were comfortable, warm and not scared. We picked the cemetery out east of town to bury you in. You would be next to the other babies. That day we also bought me a ring with your birthstone in it so I could always wear something to remind me of you. I went home that afternoon and picked out a bunch of pictures to have in a slide show at the funeral set to the music of Blessed be Your Name. The other songs we picked for the service were Amazing Love/You are My King, and Never let Go.
Your funeral was beautiful. Pastor Dan did a wonderful job and people even laughed at times. The song we ended the funeral with was Everlasting God. It was perfect. As we followed your casket out of the church, I tried to look around at all of the people who were there. I couldn't believe it. And on the way to the cemetery, I couldn't believe the line of cars that followed us. There were more than 180 people at your funeral little boy! It was amazing!
Two weeks after you were gone, we took a trip to Colorado Springs for six days. It was nice to just get away for a while.
Since your funeral, two different families that we are friends with have come to our church. It's all because of you!
And since you have been gone, life has gone on. I hate that. I hate that I only have pictures of you to hold and a video of your funeral to watch. If I want to be physically close to you I have to go to a cemetery. When I went there just the a few days ago, it broke my heart when I realized there was only earth between the two of us and couldn't believe the thoughts in my head of wanting to hold you so badly that I felt like digging you up. What a horrible feeling. I knew that I wouldn't really do it but at that time, it seemed like such a simple solution.
We have ordered your headstone. It will say Playing in God's Garden, Carter Alan Janes, Loved Son and Brother, Aug. 29, 2009. Hopefully it will stay warm for at least a little while longer so they can set it this fall instead of having to wait until next spring.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Carter's Pregnancy-August 28, 2009
Here's what my pregnancy journal says at the bottom of it today.
Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family.
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.
- Janet Howard
Boy, those words really rang true on that day!
Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family.
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.
- Janet Howard
Boy, those words really rang true on that day!
Carter's Pregnancy-August 26, 2009
I went to the doctor today. You are doing great. Your heartbeat was in the 140s. Doctor Storey leaves tomorrow for France to ride his bike so the joke is that I'll have to keep my legs crossed if I go into labor until he gets back. We are scheduled to be induced on Septemmber 22nd! :)
Carter's Pregnancy-August 24, 2009
Today was a busy day at work. We had to move offices. Everything got moved in and I am in my temporary new desk...for the next four weeks until you come anyway! Your dad started back to work last night too after having two weeks off so he was pretty tired today. Poor guy! We head back to the doctor in two days to check on you again.
Carter's Pregnancy-August 16, 2009
Well, we made it around the state last week and are happily home again. We traveled almost 1,500 miles over five days and I think it made us all pretty tired.
To add to it, we took your sister's binky away yesterday. Last night was a rough one but tonight is seeming at least a little bit better. Not much else to report. I head to the doctor again tomorrow. I can't believe you will be here in about six weeks!
To add to it, we took your sister's binky away yesterday. Last night was a rough one but tonight is seeming at least a little bit better. Not much else to report. I head to the doctor again tomorrow. I can't believe you will be here in about six weeks!
Carter's Pregnancy-August 10, 2009
We hit the road today for our trip around the state. Tonight we are in Sheridan with Bumpa and Nana too! The day actually went pretty well considering we had to drive five hours to get here. Tomorrow will be much of the same. But the good news is that we get to go swimming at the hotels at night! Your sister really likes that part.
Carter's Pregnancy-August 6, 2009
Well, the next week is going to be pretty busy for our family. We will be taking a trip around the state to look at projects for my work. I went on my own today but on Monday your dad, sister and I will hit the road. It should be fun...but tiring too!
Carter's Pregnancy-July 20, 2009
I can't believe that in about two months you will be here. This pregnancy has really flown by. I guess that's what happens when you are chasing a little one around! We are so excited for you to be here and for our family to be complete. You still aren't much of a mover so that makes me even more interested to see what you will be like when you are here. Maybe you will be a calm little one like your dad apparently was. Your sister is definitely a "go getter" shall we say?!?!? None-the-less, having you here will definitely be an adjustment but we are super excited. Hopefully you decide to turn around before you come out. I am trying not to worry too much about that though since there is nothing I can do to change it. We just need to wait and see I guess!
Well little guy, I should get to sleep. I love you so much and can't wait to see what a wonderful person you will be!
Remember always that your dad and I love you with all of our hearts!
Well little guy, I should get to sleep. I love you so much and can't wait to see what a wonderful person you will be!
Remember always that your dad and I love you with all of our hearts!
Carter's Pregnancy-July 13, 2009
I can't believe how soon you'll be here. This pregnancy has flown by, that's for sure!
You sister went to bed a little early tonight because she had a low grade fever. Poor thing just didn't feel well. Hopefully she sleeps well tonight since your dad will be working.
You still don't move a lot, but you do let me know every day that you are in there and are doing ok. :)
You sister went to bed a little early tonight because she had a low grade fever. Poor thing just didn't feel well. Hopefully she sleeps well tonight since your dad will be working.
You still don't move a lot, but you do let me know every day that you are in there and are doing ok. :)
Carter's Pregnancy-July 5, 2009
We had a nice quiet weekend together as a family. We really didn't do much but hung out together which was really nice for a change. Your dad just left for work and I am headed off to bed!
Carter's Pregnancy-June 20, 2009
We had lots of company this weekend. Bumpa, Nana, Uncle Adam and Auntie Mel came for a visit. We went to the zoo today and will have family pictures taken tomorrow. It's nice to have them all around!
Carter's Pregnancy-June 15, 2009
Well, your dad left again for his second to last week of training. We had another nice weekend together. Your sister hada rough night so that meant we did too. Ecvaryone is pretty tired today.
Carter's Pregnancy-June 7, 2009
Well, your dad is leaving again tomorrow. We had a nice relaxing weekend which was pretty nice. Your Grandma Annie and Grandpa Billy came through town tonight and were able to eat dinner with us. Your sister was being pretty silly. It was great. You have been moving around a lot this evening. Even your dad was feeling it.
Carter's Pregnancy-June 6, 2009
Your dad is home again this weekend. It is always so nice when he is here. He only has three more weeks of training an I can't wait for him to be done. It think your sister would agree with me too!
Carter's Pregnancy-June 1, 2009
Your dad left again today for the week. It is actually getting harder rather than easier for us to have him leave each week. Only four more weeks to go. :(
Carter's Pregnancy-May 25, 2009
Today is your dad's and my 7th wedding anniversary and tomorrow is his 28th birthday. We had a nice weekend to celebrate and he got to feel you move for the first time yesterday too! He leaves again tomorrow for his third week of K9 school. Only four more to go after this one. It is so nice to at least have him home on weekends.
Carter's Pregnancy-May 18, 2009
Your dad left again today for the week. It isn't so bad for me but your sister doesn't understand and I think she really misses him so she has been having a pretty rough time with him being gone. Despite her being sad, she and I had a nice evening together. Hopefully we have a good week too.
Carter's Pregnancy-May 14, 2009
Well, we have almost made it through our first week without your dad here. He is learning a lot at K9 school but we miss him a lot and he definitely misses us too! He will be home tomorrow night for the weekend. It will be quite nice!
Carter's Pregnancy-May 11, 2009
Your dad left today for the next seven weeks. He is up in Casper training his new dog. He was so excited! I miss him already but I know this has always been what he has wanted in his job. Your sister and I had a great evening together playing and just hanging out. :)
Carter's Pregnancy-May 9, 2009
We spent the day at home relaxing today. It has been fun referring to you as Carter instead of "the baby" now. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I'm not sure what we have planned but I'm hoping a nap will be part of the day! :)
Carter's Pregnancy-May 8, 2009
Here's what the email said that I sent out to people on the day we found out you were a boy!
Subject: It's a...
Funny story! =- )
We went in to the doctor this morning for our ultrasound to find out what the baby is and here's the story...
Dr. Storey was checking everything out, making sure baby is growing like it should, making sure the heart developed with all four chambers, that the cord had all three vessels...etc.
Then he was doing some other measuring and general looking around and all of the sudden he popped this up on the screen girl! We were so excited. David said, "One of them had better like hunting!" He said, "Yup, there she is crossing her legs all daintily!" I said, "I'm sure glad you know what you are looking at on that thing!"
He still had some more measuring and checking to do so he did some more looking around and then said, "I'm not so sure anymore. I think I may need to change my mind on it being a girl!" We were confused of course! So he looked around some more and baby decided at that point to spread those legs open and alas...it's not a girl...it's a boy!!! The little bugger was totally flashing us at that point. There is definitely outdoor plumbing on this little one. :) Then right after that, Dr. Storey pointed out that once again, "there are the parts, oh and look, he's grabbing them! Definitely a boy!" He then took it upon himself to write "daddy's son" on that picture and printed it out for us.
So, we have six different pictures...one of which it says girl that Dr. Storey wanted to take from us! I told him no way! We were totally going to keep that picture for the baby book!
So there you have it! =- ) Baby BOY Janes!
Have a great day everyone!
Subject: It's a...
Funny story! =- )
We went in to the doctor this morning for our ultrasound to find out what the baby is and here's the story...
Dr. Storey was checking everything out, making sure baby is growing like it should, making sure the heart developed with all four chambers, that the cord had all three vessels...etc.
Then he was doing some other measuring and general looking around and all of the sudden he popped this up on the screen girl! We were so excited. David said, "One of them had better like hunting!" He said, "Yup, there she is crossing her legs all daintily!" I said, "I'm sure glad you know what you are looking at on that thing!"
He still had some more measuring and checking to do so he did some more looking around and then said, "I'm not so sure anymore. I think I may need to change my mind on it being a girl!" We were confused of course! So he looked around some more and baby decided at that point to spread those legs open and alas...it's not a girl...it's a boy!!! The little bugger was totally flashing us at that point. There is definitely outdoor plumbing on this little one. :) Then right after that, Dr. Storey pointed out that once again, "there are the parts, oh and look, he's grabbing them! Definitely a boy!" He then took it upon himself to write "daddy's son" on that picture and printed it out for us.
So, we have six different pictures...one of which it says girl that Dr. Storey wanted to take from us! I told him no way! We were totally going to keep that picture for the baby book!
So there you have it! =- ) Baby BOY Janes!
Have a great day everyone!
Carter's Pregnancy-May 2, 2009
We took a trip to South Dakota to see your great grandparents this weekend. We had a nice time other than your sister not feeling well. That made it tough but they were all still happy to see us, that's for sure!
Carter's Pregnancy-April 27, 2009
Well, we are off to another week of work. Today was pretty dreary out so I wasn't real happy either. We did just find out that my friend Rhonda's surgery went well today. That is a major reason to celebrate!
Carter's Pregnancy-April 18, 2009
Bumpa & Nana campe to visit us thisw weekend. We have had a lot of fun. Your sister likes having them around to play with that's for sure. I think you have been moving around a lot tonight. I was trying to get you sister to sleep in the rocking chair and you thought you needed to be moving around in there. We go to the doctor again on the 20th. It will be nice to hear your heartbeat again!
Carter's Pregnancy-April 12, 2009
Happy Easter! Your Grandma Annie, Grandpa Billy, Uncle Michael and Nastasia came down to visit for Easter. We had a very nice time with all of them. Your big sister hasn't been sleeping well in her crib at night so tonight we decided to try her big girl bed downstairs. Hopefully she does well.
Oh yeah, I can't forget to tell you about your dad. He was working in the garage the other night and cut his thumb pretty badly on his table saw. He got five stitches out of it and has been in some pain. Hopefully he feels better soon. Love you!
Oh yeah, I can't forget to tell you about your dad. He was working in the garage the other night and cut his thumb pretty badly on his table saw. He got five stitches out of it and has been in some pain. Hopefully he feels better soon. Love you!
Carter's Pregnancy-April 7, 2009
I felt you move today! It was different than the first time I felt your sister move. With her I felt a flutter on the lower right side of my tummy and with you I felt one, just one, kick on the lower left side of my tummy! I think you are going to be a calm one!
Carter's Pregnancy-April 6, 2009
Well, your big sister took her first nap in a big girl room today. :) We figured we should start getting her ready to move to her new room for when you make your big entrance. She did pretty well! We had a big snow storm on the 4th. It was the only real snow we have seen so far this winter or spring even. It's already starting to melt off. Yay for Wyoming weather!
Carter's Pregnancy-March 18, 2009
I am so very tired today. I fell asleep at about 7:45 tonight and only woke up again because your Dad was at church and came home. Whew...That's tired!
Carter's Pregnancy-March 11, 2009
Well, we started another chapter in our family's story today...your daddy started working a new dog. His name is Kai. Your daddy is so excited. So, hopefully everyone will get used to this HUGE change before our next HUGE change comes...you! :) Our house will be crazy for a while, that's for sure.
Other than that, not much else is happening. I am still exhausted and have been getting horrible headaches :( You are worth it though!
Other than that, not much else is happening. I am still exhausted and have been getting horrible headaches :( You are worth it though!
Carter's Pregnancy-February 19, 2009
I have been having more morning sickness the last few days. It actually brings me some comfort because they say if you feel sick then things are probably going along like they should. I can't wait to see you next week!
Carter's Pregnancy-February 15, 2009
Your dad took me on a date tonight. We went to a movie. It was silly...not great but silly anyway. We still pray every day that you are ok. I had some more bleeding tonight and am trying not to worry.
Carter's Pregnancy-February 9, 2009
We got to go to the doctor today to check you out. Your little heart was beating at 134 bpm! You looked GREAT! It made your dad and me so happy. We were so relieved. We have another appointment in two weeks. I can't wait to see you again.
*A note from daddy -
I got to see you for the first time today, and you were perfect. We were both really worried coming up to today, but seeing you was such a relief. I can't wait for you to get here. Dad
*A note from daddy -
I got to see you for the first time today, and you were perfect. We were both really worried coming up to today, but seeing you was such a relief. I can't wait for you to get here. Dad
Carter's Pregnancy-February 7, 2009
I had some spotting last night and today. I am really hoping you are ok. I spotted with Hannah so I am hopeful you will do fine too. I will call the doctor on Monday (2-9) and have them check you out.
Your dad has been working pretty hard on the basement. It is going to be a very big project but the living room down there will look great once it is done.
Not much else going on right now. I hsoudl get to sleep. I have been very tired lately and could use the rest!
Your dad has been working pretty hard on the basement. It is going to be a very big project but the living room down there will look great once it is done.
Not much else going on right now. I hsoudl get to sleep. I have been very tired lately and could use the rest!
Carter's Pregnancy-February 5, 2009
I stayed home from work today to be home with Hannah. She had a second seizure yesterday so we took today off just to hang out at home. It was nice to just relax.
Carter's Pregnancy-February 2, 2009
Well, here I am, pregnant for a month now. I am so excited and hopeful. I think all the time what you will be like. I wonder if you will look like me or like Hannah and your daddy. I wonder if you will be a boy or a girl. (Both your daddy and I think you are a boy!) We'll see though. :)
Along with being excited, I am so scared. Scared you won't make it. We have your first photo-op (ultrasound) on Wednesday the 4th. I have no reason to think anything is wrong, I am just scared of history. I don't want to lose you. We pray every day and night for you and Hannah too. You are already a part of this family and I just want you to grow healthy and strong in there. I don't know if I have enough faith or not. I probably don't, but I know that God works miracles in our lives and hope that He gives us you...our second little miracle.
We love you! Can't wait to see you in two days!
Love, Mama
Along with being excited, I am so scared. Scared you won't make it. We have your first photo-op (ultrasound) on Wednesday the 4th. I have no reason to think anything is wrong, I am just scared of history. I don't want to lose you. We pray every day and night for you and Hannah too. You are already a part of this family and I just want you to grow healthy and strong in there. I don't know if I have enough faith or not. I probably don't, but I know that God works miracles in our lives and hope that He gives us you...our second little miracle.
We love you! Can't wait to see you in two days!
Love, Mama
Carter's Pregnancy-January 28, 2009
Not much going on today, Hannah is finally feeling better and went back to "school" today. Life is getting back to normal again.
Carter's Pregnancy-January 23, 2009
We got the results of our second blood draw today. They went up like they should. So, they put me on medicine and set up an appointment for an ultrasound on February 4. We are so relieved to have made it this far and pray you keep growing healthy and strong.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Carter's Pregnancy-January 2009
I was home with our daughter who was sick with RSV. I was supposed to start my period the day before and hadn't so I decided to take a pregnancy test. Much to my surprise, it was positive! I called my husband to tell him and all he could say to me was, "How did that happen?!?!" Neither of us could believe it. We were shocked, scared, excited and amazed. My due date was September 28, 2009. A fall baby. A baby to be born 21 months after our daughter! Yikes!
My wonderful, amazing, beautiful daughter
So not long after I wrote the letter to my three sweet babies in heaven, we found out we were pregnant yet again. On April 18, 2007 we found out we were expecting! The pregnancy was as good as it could have been and on Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 8:42 pm we welcomed our sweet girl into this world. She was 6 lbs. 5.9 ozs and 21 inches (I think...either that or 21 1/2!) long.
Since that day, our lives have been blessed in too many ways to count. She is the love of my life and I look forward to seeing her smiling face each and every single morning of my life!
Story of our three miscarriages
Our story – Emma, Lily and Joshua Written April 11, 2007
In May of 2004, David and I decided that we wanted to start a family. At the time, we had been married for nearly two years. We had moved to Cheyenne, Wyoming from Spearfish, South Dakota six months earlier so David could take a job at the Cheyenne Police Department. David had always wanted to be a police officer and his dream had finally come true. In March of 2004, David graduated from the Wyoming police academy. It was at his academy graduation that we saw the cutest little boy that was the son of another graduate. He was the deciding factor for us in our family planning process!
Emma –
We started trying to get pregnant in May. In June we purchased our home and really believed that everything was falling into place in our lives. We had wonderful jobs, had started attending church regularly, and had great friends and family supporting us.
In December of 2004 our dream came true. We found out right after Christmas that we were expecting you! Your due date was September 4, 2005. Everything seemed to be going well. My family even sent us an audio tape to play to my belly as it grew so you could hear their voices since they all lived far away. Toward the middle of January of 2005 we decided that we wanted to start creating a nursery for you. We had found some Veggie Tales items online and David decided that he wanted to paint characters on each of the walls.
The night he started drawing the figures I remember feeling really tired. I had been feeling pretty tired throughout the pregnancy so I did not figure that night was anything out of the ordinary. At around 1 am, I woke up in terrible pain. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding a lot. I called the answering service for Cheyenne OBGYN and they told me that they would have to contact the on-call doctor and call me back. Upon receiving the phone call, Dr. Foley listened to what was happening that evening and I later realized that she had fallen asleep as I explained things to her. She informed me that even if there was a problem there was nothing that could be done and that I just needed to wait to see if anything else happened.
Two weeks later, on Friday, January 28, I went to my regularly scheduled appointment. We arrived at the appointment and were scheduled to see Dr. Foley. We were brought back to an exam room where they attempted to listen to your heart beat. There was nothing. Dr. Foley told us that we were still pretty early in the pregnancy and that it was likely that everything was still fine. We were told that they would go ahead and do an ultrasound that day though just to be sure everything was progressing as it should be.
We were brought back to another room for the ultrasound about a half hour later. David and I could see everything the ultrasound tech was seeing because there was a television near the ceiling with the images on it. The tech looked around for a while and we could see the gestational sac but there was nothing inside of it. The tech left the room for a short time and came back in with Dr. Foley. It was at that point that the doctor looked at us and said, “Well, it doesn’t look good. Looks like you are bound to miscarry.” The words were heartbreaking but not nearly as heartbreaking as the lack of empathy from the physician we had to care for us at that time.
We were told then that I needed to have my blood drawn to really be sure that I was miscarrying and that my hormone levels were dropping like they should be. So, we headed down stairs to the lab in the hospital. We were both still extremely upset and upon arriving, the gal who was supposed to take my blood looked at the other lady in the lab and said, “I can’t do it! You need to draw her blood.” It broke my heart to see someone else so upset just from seeing us. The weekend came and went and we had made the decision to have a D&E so we did not have to wait to expel everything from the pregnancy.
I had heard wonderful things about Dr. Lind who happened to also be part of Cheyenne OBGYN so I had decided that I wanted him to do my surgery for me. My mom came down early in the week to be with us before, during and after the surgery. Everything went well with the surgery and I apparently even had a conversation with the anesthesiologist in Spanish on my way back from surgery. I have no recollection of this, David still likes to tell people about it though.
I decided to stay home for a few days after the surgery and just planned on going to work on Friday of that week. I knew that going back to work was going to be a difficult thing so I figured that just getting my feet wet on a Friday before going back for a full week was my best bet.
We were told by Dr. Lind to wait for one normal cycle before trying to get pregnant again. Just to be sure that everything was working like it should be.
Lily –
Much to our surprise, we found out that we were pregnant again the day after Mother’s Day 2005 and you were due January 12, 2006. We were scared out of our minds to be pregnant again but still filled with tremendous joy! Because of our wariness, we did not even tell many people that we were pregnant.
The weekend after we found out we were pregnant we took a trip to South Dakota with the bank I was working for at the time. The weekend was great and my family was even able to spend some time with us while we were up there. It was on that trip that my mom bought me my first maternity shirt. She said to me over and over again that she really did believe that this pregnancy was going to work and that she was so very excited for us.
The Monday after we got back from our trip I started to bleed pretty heavily again. I called the doctor’s office immediately and let them know that I was miscarrying and that I just needed to get in to have my blood drawn. I knew that this miscarriage was already pretty far along so I decided to just miscarry at home this time.
After having my blood drawn I was told to call a day or so later to get the results of my blood tests. I called and left a message for the nurse but did not receive a call back. I called back the next day and after being passed from voice mail to voice mail, my call was directed back up to the receptionist. I asked if she could please get someone for me to talk to. She then asked me if it was an emergency. My response was no, but I had been instructed to call and get my test results from their office. Her response to me was, “If I pull someone out of a room for this…they are not going to be happy.” It was at that point that I decided that I was going to switch doctor’s offices. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office with David some time after that crying. I was heartbroken. In the midst of my crying I apologized to him. Without even a second’s hesitation, he said to me, “Sara, if I had wanted a litter, I would have married a dog and had puppies!” As ridiculous as it sounds, there was nothing that he could have said at that moment that would have been as wonderful. He hugged me and just let me cry.
In the midst of all of our trials and tribulations, we had made our way back to Frontier United Methodist Church because we truly felt at home with that congregation. I remember one Sunday in particular that still to this day brings me great shame and embarrassment. It was either late May or early June and I remember being in church and singing the song Amazing Love.
I’m forgiven because You were forsaken.
I’m accepted. You were condemned.
I’m alive and well,
Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again.
Amazing love, how can it be
That you, my King would die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true:
It’s my joy to honor you.
In all I do I honor You.
You are my King.
You are my King.
Jesus, You are my King.
Jesus, You are my King.
I was singing the song and thinking to myself, despite what you are going through, you are “alive and well” and that brought me to tears. I knew I really did have a great life and that things may not be like I wanted them to be but I still had a wonderful existence. It was during that song that I looked in front of me and saw a family with a beautiful baby, and looked behind me and saw a glowing pregnant woman. I fell apart. I was furious. I was hurt beyond anything that I had ever experienced before. Why did God let this happen to me? As the service progressed I had a horrible feeling of guilt about being so angry at a woman that I thought I had never even met.
After church was over I truly felt convicted for having felt such anger. For that reason, I decided that I needed to apologize to that woman. She was with her husband and little boy when I approached her. I remember looking at her and just saying, “I owe you an apology.” She of course had a horribly confused look on her face so I proceeded to tell her what my experience had been with my miscarriages and what had happened in church that day. I just sobbed. The poor thing did not have any idea what to do. I remember that just a minute or two into my confession our pastor’s wife approached me and gave me a hug. As David and I walked out from church that day I said, “She must have thought I was crazy!” David’s response to me was, “Yup!”
The next week I knew I had to apologize to that poor woman for my actions the week before. So once again, I approached her and let her know that I really was not as crazy as I seemed to be the week before and that I was sincerely sorry for my actions. We had a short conversation after that in which we found out that they lived just around the corner from us and that when we first moved into our house and our dog ran away that they were the ones that found her for us. Also, we discovered that David was the police officer that had responded to a call they made earlier that summer. The names of those family members were Matthew, Mindy and Caleb Hudson.
As time passed, the emotions changed all the more. Some days were good and some days were not so good. We continued to attend Frontier Church despite my episode with Mindy during her pregnancy. And regardless of everything that happened, I was still very happy for Matthew & Mindy when little Maylie was born on July 10, 2005. Throughout the remainder of the summer, we played softball on our church team with Matthew and even Mindy at times.
Months later, there was an announcement made at church that there were going to be some “small groups” starting. We decided that it would be a good thing for us to join a group to be more involved with our church family. The evening that worked the best for us was Mondays and just by chance, the group that was planning on meeting on Monday evenings was the Hudson’s group. We joined the group and found ourselves being “taken in” and loved by the members. Mindy and I even became quite close as a result of our group meetings.
I remember driving home from work one afternoon. There was a song on the radio that I had heard many times before then but it had never had the effect on me that it had that day.
"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I found myself becoming increasingly angry and I was not sure why. Then it came to me, I was angry at God. I was angry at him for taking both of you away from me. I could not help but cry. Not long after that day I was talking to a dear friend of mine, Tamra Jackson. We started talking about what I had been going through and we got on the subject of that song and how it made me feel. I told her about my anger and she assured me that God already knew about it and that if anyone can handle us being angry, He can!
It was not long after that day that I started yet another new chapter in my life in a new job at the Wyoming Department of Transportation. As the months went by, we were becoming increasingly frustrated by not getting pregnant. So, during the summer of 2006 we decided to set up an appointment with Dr. Storey at Cheyenne Women’s Clinic. At the appointment we were very impressed by Dr. Storey and his apparent dedication to our case. Even as we were sitting and discussing everything his cell phone rang and he found out that he needed to get to the hospital ASAP for a c-section. After he hung up his phone, he said, “Ok, what’s your next question?” We knew that this was going to be a good fit for us in our journey. The direction that Dr. Storey recommended that we head was to be sure that everything was working ok with both David and me. This would require some testing. When I went in for my blood tests, I had to have it drawn twice to be sure I was ovulating, the ladies that took my blood said, “I hope you get the answers that you want!” It was at that time that I realized that I really did not know what I wanted. Did I want there to be something wrong that they could potentially not fix or did I want there to be nothing wrong and still not know why we were not getting pregnant? I knew that I was not supposed to know but God did and I just needed to put my trust in Him and His decisions.
As it turned out, everything was ok with both of us. Timing was the only issue we had to deal with. So, with that in mind we found comfort and kept on trying.
Joshua
It was the fall of 2006. We had both been playing volleyball and were pretty happy where we were in our jobs etc. We found out on Saturday, November 18 that we were pregnant with you. We were elated!
On Monday, I went in to the doctor to have my blood levels checked to be sure everything was where it should be and were told that we could repeat the test in a week and once my levels reached 2500, we could have our first ultrasound. In the mean time, we traveled to South Dakota to spend Thanksgiving with my family and to tell all of them the good news. We were torn between telling the world about you and keeping our news quiet. We decided though that the people we wanted to tell were the people that would be genuinely happy for us and they would also be the same people that would be sad with us if anything bad happened.
I knew that you were due toward the end of July which kind of put a wrench on some summer plans since my brother was planning on getting married 07-07-07 and I would be unable to travel that late in my pregnancy. After we told all of them, everything got ironed out though and they planned the wedding for 05-27-07.
When we returned from our trip to South Dakota my levels were high enough to have an ultrasound. So, we went in and were very nervous to say the least. But, the ultrasound showed that everything was going really well and they changed my due date to August 1st. So, with a great ultrasound under our belts, we told more people about you.
The doctor told us that they wanted to repeat the ultrasound in two weeks just to be sure everything was still looking good. Our second ultrasound was unbelievable. We saw you! We saw your little heart beating. We saw your brain and spinal cord and we cried! We were so happy to see that everything appeared to be perfect with you. The ultrasound tech was even smiling when she saw how happy we were. We were so excited about seeing you that we asked for a couple of copies an ultrasound photo so we could give them away. We have some friends that are so very special to us, Lyle & Caren Finch, that we wanted to share one of the copies with. Their son was killed in a car accident a year before and they had said to us that they would never be grandparents. David and I assured them though that they would indeed be grandparents and so we bought a picture frame that said “Great Dads get promoted to Grandpa” and gave it to them with the ultrasound photo.
In preparation for my brother’s wedding, we took some time to order my bridesmaid dress. The dress was beautiful. It was a tea length dress with a halter neckline and the color was honeydew. Not knowing what size I would be, we ordered the dress four sizes larger so I would have “room to grow!”
In the mean time I had found out that a lady I worked with, Janice, had a daughter that was due about two weeks before I was. She and I had lots of fun talking about babies at work and about how great it was! Everything was going well, I was nauseous, I was hungry all the time and I had many other typical pregnancy symptoms. I was elated when I felt horrible because I knew that meant everything was going well in there. I remember feeling “good” one day and oh how that scared me. I had already placed many Bible verses on my computer screen to glance at throughout the day but it was an email from Mindy’s mom that brought me the most comfort in my worry.
Dear Sara, God has put you and that new little one in my heart to pray for.
I have even written you and the baby into my bible study notes so that I
don't forget to pray (I am working on my prayer skills :-). My eldest
daughter has not ever said anything about you being crazy but she has spoken
of her very dearest Wyoming friend who has made her life much fuller than it
has been in a while. You are a very wonderful friend and Mindy loves you
very much. I feel like I know you because of the many fun times that Mindy
shares with me that the two of you have had. Try not to worry too much
about your new little one, put the baby into God's hands and know that no
matter what, He has "the best" plan for both of your lives. God only wants
what is best for all of His children. With the "media" always telling us all
the "bad" news we get wrapped up in thinking about the "worst thing" that
can happen (especially if we have already experienced that), then we dwell
on "those things". If we truly follow God we have to undergo a "renewing of
the mind" and start making ourselves dwell on all the positive and good
things that God brings into our lives each and every day........it is SO
hard to do that in this day and age! I am trying to memorize the
"Whatevers".......Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are
true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things
are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if
there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on
these things.
I too forget to "mediate" on the good things of God. I tend to think in
terms of "worst case" but God is teaching me to remember the good things and
to believe that good is for me too! I have had my share of "bad things",
things that I didn't and still don't know why they happened to me, and I
think each of us has, but I have had so much more good than bad. I will
be "thinking and praying" about you and your baby each day throughout this
pregnancy. Part of my prayer will be that you know the care and protection
of the Father who loves all of us, His children. Love & Blessings,
Isabel aka Mindy’s mom
So, I went about my day and the rest of my week feeling ok until I heard on Wednesday, January 3, 2007 that Janice’s daughter had lost her baby. I was heart broken for them. I tried not to worry about you but how could I not? Everything was still going well so I really had no reason to worry.
And then it happened. It was Friday, January 5 and everything seemed to be normal until I went to the bathroom that afternoon. I was not bleeding but I knew that what I saw was not normal. I was terrified. I went back to my desk and tried not to cry. I sat there and a million different things crossed my mind. I knew that I was going to worry all weekend about it if I did not call the doctor’s office. So, I called the office and asked to speak to Leah, a friend of mine that assists Dr. Storey. She was very cheery and asked me what was up. I could not help but cry. I sobbed when she asked me if everything was ok. I told her what had happened and she told me she would call me back in a few minutes and let me know if they could get me in for an ultrasound. It seemed like it took forever to hear back but she did call and told me to head down to have an ultrasound so we would know what was happening before the weekend.
I was on my way out of the office and knew I needed to tell someone why I was leaving so I pulled Janice out into the hallway with me. I let her know what had happened and what was about to happen. She told me that she was going to take me to my appointment and then asked me if I had talked to David yet. I said that I had not but I was planning on calling him on my way. So, I dialed his number and when he answered I tried to fight off the tears but I was unsuccessful. I told him what had happened and told him that he needed to meet me for the ultrasound. Janice and I arrived before David did and I was taken back to a room by the same tech that had done our second ultrasound. I told her what had happened and she said, “Maybe it’s just a false alarm!” I tried to find comfort in those words.
David got there and came back to the room where I was. I remember watching the screen as she did the ultrasound and hoping that we would see that everything was ok. She did some measurements and you only measured at 8.5 weeks and I was nearly 12. She tried to listen to your heartbeat but there was nothing. I was trying my best to lay still for her but I know I was shaking as I cried. David just sat in silence with tears in his eyes. I think the worst part came when the tech looked me in the eye and told me that she needed to go get the doctor. We had been told before that if things did not look good on an ultrasound it was required that a doctor come in and review it. The doctor came in and they tried again to see or hear a heartbeat and did a few other things and then he said it…I do not remember everything that he said I only remember him asking me if I understood what was happening. He indicated that there was no heartbeat, that you had stopped growing and he called it “fetal demise.”
They told me that they needed to write up the information about the ultrasound and then they would send me upstairs to talk to Dr. Storey. After a few minutes, Janice came back to the room with us and then Leah came down too. We went upstairs and Dr. Storey came in to talk about what the next steps could be. I decided that I wanted to have a D&E again because I had seen you and I did not want to have to miscarry at home. Dr. Storey scheduled my surgery for the very next day and sent us on our way to get some post-surgery prescriptions. He also mentioned some steps that we could take after the surgery. I was high risk now so they could definitely justify more tests and a higher level of care the next time.
On our way home we passed our pastor’s wife. I waved to her and no more than 5 minutes after we got home the phone rang. It was her. She asked me if I was ok and I told her what had happened. She said, “Oh Sara, I was hoping you just looked tired.” Later on as I was on the phone with my mom, there was a knock on the door. It was our pastor. He had talked to his wife and knew what had happened. Not long after he got there, there was another knock. It was Tamra Jackson. Our pastor could not stay long but he did say that he wanted to pray with us before he left. So, as we sat on the couch he attempted to pray. David and I were so crushed that we just cried. As he began to speak he started to cry as well. The reality of the situation was really becoming more apparent and harder to handle as the minutes passed. Throughout the evening more of our friends came to visit us, Gene & Kerry Hood, Lyle & Caren Finch and Mindy. Some moments of the evening were horribly hard. I remember looking at our guests at one point and saying to them that no matter what happened in the future it did not matter because I wanted that baby!
David and I went to bed early that night because we knew that the next day was going to be a hard one and we needed our rest. David’s mom and some of our friends were going to go with us to the hospital for my surgery. So, to bed we went. Everything hit us again. We cried together and just laid there in each other’s arms.
The next morning I woke up at around 5 but laid in bed until after my alarm went off at 6. I tried to fight off the tears as I laid there but once my alarm went off on I began to cry again. The song that was playing was “Healing Rain” –
Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long
Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name
Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain
And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am
Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
To be washed in Heaven's rain...
Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...
I cried more that morning and felt emptier than I had ever felt before. I called my mom and told her what had happened so far that morning and she told me that David and I needed to say our goodbyes to you before we went in to the hospital for the surgery. So, once I got off of the phone with her we both put our hands on my stomach and told you how much we loved you and how much we were going to miss you.
David’s mom got to our house and we went on our way to the hospital. When we arrived the nurse told me right away that my friends were already in my hospital room waiting for me. I walked in to the smiling faces of Mindy, Kerry Hood and Tamra Jackson. As the morning progressed we all talked and laughed together and played cards. More visitors made their way to my room, Janice, Amanda Carson, and my pastor’s wife. So, when Dr. Storey came in he was quite surprised to see so many people there with me. Before I went in for surgery I wanted someone to say a prayer. After we prayed, I realized that the anesthesiologist had given me something and as they wheeled me out I said to everyone, “I’m not going to lie, I’m feeling a little loopy!”
The next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room. I vaguely remember asking Dr. Storey if they saw you and he told me there was just a lot of tissue and that there was really nothing that was significant. After a while they brought me back to my room and I was able to go home not long after that.
David and his mom made chicken enchiladas for us to eat that evening and so we invited the Hudsons over. Dinner was nice and it was good to have friends around. We had decided that we were going to go to church the next day. We knew that it was going to be very hard but we felt like we needed to be there. So, we got there and sat down. I did not want people to look at me and I did not want to talk about it. Then Mindy came to me and said that Karla Oligschlaeger was in the back of the church and wanted to come give me a hug and wondered if that was ok. I said that would be fine and the next thing I knew I was being hugged from behind and was once again overwhelmed by grief.
As church began I knew that there was no way that I was going to be able to sing any of the songs but it did comfort me to listen to Mindy singing them. When we did the congregational prayer someone prayed aloud for us and that made it hurt all the more. I made a decision during the service though that David and I should take the week off from work and just go away to South Dakota for a few days. David agreed that getting away would probably be good for us so we made plans to leave Tuesday morning and we would return on Friday afternoon.
So, we made the preparations and packed up our things for our trip. We left Tuesday mid-morning and arrived to my parents’ house Tuesday evening. I called to chat with Mindy about her day and she told me that her day was pretty busy and that the kids did not get naps because of it. The conversation wound down and we hung up. Not long after that, my phone rang again and it was Mindy. She called me to tell me that she had lied to me. She said that she had told me that they were just busy and that the kids did not get naps but that was not the entire story. She asked me if I had access to my work email. I told her that I did and that I would probably be checking it while we were on our trip. She begged me not to check it because there was an email from her mom and that it was very important to her that I did not read it because the contents were really something that she needed to talk to me about in person. I promised her that I would not read the email but would wait to talk to her when I returned to Cheyenne.
I had every intention of keeping my promise to Mindy. I was also racking my brain trying to figure out what would be so important that she needed to tell me in person. Curiosity got the best of me and I read the email. The subject was “A Favor”
Dear Sara, I am writing for two reasons. First I want to tell you how
sorry I am that you lost your baby. I will NOT ever understand why God
allows thing to happen to us that are sometimes almost unbearable. My heart
breaks for you and David. The second reason I am writing is to tell you
the story of a person who loves you so much......you can not know how much.
You see, a few weeks ago Mindy went to the doctor for some female issues
and she found out that she was expecting a baby. Her and Matt decided not
to tell anyone for several reasons. They had NOT planned on Mindy getting
pregnant so soon and they did not want to take any joy away from you and
David. The only reason that I found out was because I know my daughter well
enough to know when she is lying to me. When she found out that you were
losing your baby, all she could think about was how her pregnancy was going
to effect you. She was so upset, she was beside herself with worry. She
knew how difficult it was for you when she was pregnant with Maylie.
The reason I am telling you all of this (I know my daughter will probably be
VERY upset with me) is because Mindy is alone right now, driving herself to
the emergency room.......because she is miscarrying her own baby. She
started spotting a couple of days ago and now she is losing her child too.
I think it is because of all the stress she was experiencing. Matt is at
work right now and she can't reach him so she has Maylie with her because
she had no one to watch her. Mindy needs someone to be there for her too,
I don't think her or Matt will tell you, knowing what you have been through,
but my daughter needs you. Most of all I want you to know that my daughter
has put you above herself, thinking only about how you will feel and how you
will react to this pregnancy. She was so excited that the two of you would
be pregnant together. When you lost your baby all she could think of was
you. I thought you, being Mindy’s closest friend in Wyoming should know.
Love & Blessings, Isabel
I remember reading the email and noticing just a two significant words…pregnant and miscarrying. We did not even know that she was pregnant. Apparently no one did. I was torn to pieces not because I was upset about not knowing but because I was not there for Mindy. I called Mindy right away and confessed that I was a big, fat liar and that I had read the email.
Because of everything that happened with Mindy miscarrying we decided to cut our trip to South Dakota short and we headed home on Thursday to be there for Mindy. It was good for me to be with someone else that was going through what I was going through at that exact time.
As time passed, the physical pain went away and David and I were more able to think about healing emotionally. This miscarriage was a lot harder for him than the other two had been because he had seen the baby. So, we started taking the walk toward healing together.
My post-op appointment was scheduled for a few weeks after the surgery and David was able to go with me. At the appointment, Dr. Storey told us that he had never seen a hospital room with so many people in it! Then we went over the how are you feeling questions and Dr. Storey asked us where we wanted to go from there. He explained that the first step would be to simply take my blood and check it for common problems. The step after that would be genetic testing and from what Dr. Storey indicated, genetic testing may be able to tell us if there was anything wrong but the things that are discovered most times are not treatable. So, we decided to have my blood drawn that day to check for the more treatable problems. They took 12 tubes of my blood in order to run all of the tests.
A few weeks later I got a call from Dr. Storey about my blood tests. He said everything looked pretty good with all of the tests. The only thing that was questionable was my Protein C level. He explained that Protein C is an anti-coagulant and if someone is deficient there could be micro-vascular coagulation problems. He further explained that a deficiency could make it difficult or even impossible for a placenta to attach itself to a uterus because the mother’s body would essentially not allow it because the blood clots too much. The good news with a Protein C deficiency is that it can most likely be remedied with a baby aspirin a day to thin the blood. Dr. Storey said that in order for us to be certain that I did or did not have a deficiency they would have to re-take my blood in three months. I was very happy to have a possible answer but at the same time, I was sad that we had not discovered this possible solution before any of the miscarriages.
In the mean time, we were getting quite eager to start trying again. I did not want to start trying without having an aspirin a day in my system so I called the doctor to see if I should wait to start taking the aspirin until after they retested me and therefore not start trying again until after the three months was up. Dr. Storey said I should start taking the aspirin and they would still retest me in three months and if I ended up pregnant before then they would just assume that I was in fact Protein C deficient and continue with the baby aspirin a day.
So, that is where we are today. I have started taking the baby aspirin and am not pregnant as of yet. I have realized once again that I do not know what the right answer is for David and me in this instance. I would love to have a baby. I want so much to see what he or she will look like and who they will act like. I still cry sometimes when I think about what could have been and about how it just is not fair that I have three of you in heaven waiting for me. I want to see you. I want to hold you. I want to watch you grow up. I know though that is not possible and that I have to wait until I get to heaven to see you. I know that you are in the best hands up there though. I try not to get angry anymore. I try to accept the life that I am living and most days I think I am ok at accepting. I have made an appointment with a specialist in Ft. Collins, Colorado just to see if there is anything more he can do for us and hopefully he can help get us pregnant.
In the meantime, we just wait. Losing each of you has forever changed me. I do not ever want to forget what each of you meant and still mean to me which is why I believe this is still so hard for me. There are so many people besides me and David who love each of you and for that I am grateful. Losing a baby is something that should never happen to anyone but it does. It even happens three times in a row! I have faith though that the things I experienced throughout all of this have in some way made me a better person. I do not think there will come a day that I will not miss you. I hope there will not ever be a day when I do not think about each of you. The people I have met throughout all of this and the friendships that have started and grown are more wonderful than I could ever express to anyone.
I know that God has a plan more wonderful than I can imagine for my life. The hard part is waiting to see what that plan is and enduring the trials in the meantime. My dear friend Tamra Jackson has told me more than once that even though I am going through some major “valleys” in my life right now, God has a “mountain top” with my name on it and someday I will be on top of that mountain holding a baby, standing next to my husband who loves me more than anything in the world, and we will be rejoicing with all of those people who have loved and supported us. Tamra wrote me the following email on a day that I was struggling.
God to the rescue-
Sara you are loved by the Supreme Ruler and Master of the universe more than you will ever know or be able to fathom. Jesus does not want to see you sad, hurting or kicked in the gut. He feels your pain and understands your disappointment. He does not discount this or minimize the hurt and disappointment you are feeling. He wants you to share your deepest most inner feelings from the bottom of your soul with Him. You are walking in God’s will every step and your walk is a very difficult one right now. Every step you take makes God very proud of you. When your days are done on this earth He is going to hold you in His arms face to face and say well done my child.
I am led to lead you to Hebrews 12. This is not my writing-all the glory to God.
This is from me---when you guys are standing on the mountain top with a tiny little one in all its wonder—we are all going to stand there with you guys and smile until our faces crack. It will be awesome beyond words. It is worth the heartache, disappointment, disbelief, not understanding why and most of all, the wait. The baby will come in God’s perfect timing.
I love you my friend! I am taking some of your pain and replacing it with a tiny little sliver of peace.
In addition to those wonderful words of encouragement from her, I have found great comfort in Romans 5: 3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
There is a song that titled “Blessed Be Your Name.” I have always liked this song but since I miscarried the third time I have been unable to sing it. As soon as the music begins I start to cry and I shake through the entire thing. Although the song is very difficult for me to sing, the message included in the lyrics has made a lasting impression in my life. I realize that there will be suffering in my life and that God gives and takes away; I am working on the rest of it. I do not know that I will ever get to the place in my life where I will be able to say “thank you” to Him for what I have gone through but as I said before, I know He has a plan for me.
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
The only other thing that I would add to this is the story below. There have been so many times throughout all of this that I knew I could not continue but God is always faithful and as much as I may have not wanted to, I have continued pedaling!
Pedal
At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited Heaven or Hell when I die. He was out there sort of like the president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn’t really know Him.
But later on when I recognized my Higher Power, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride. But it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that God was in the back helping me pedal.
I don’t know just when it was that He suggested that we change places. But life has just not been the same since. Life with my Higher Power, that is. God makes life exciting!
When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable. It was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places and at breakneck speeds: it was all I could do to hang on! Even thought it looked like madness, He said: “Pedal!”
I worried and was anxious and asked, “Where are you taking me?” He laughed and didn’t answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I would say, “I’m scared”, He would lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey: our journey, God’s and mine.
And we were off again. He said, “Give the gifts away, they’re extra baggage, too much weight.” So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.
I did not trust Him at first, in control of my life. I thought He would wreck it. But He knows bike secrets, He knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages.
And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest of places, and I am beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, my Higher Power.
And when I’m sure I just can’t do any more, He just smiles and says…”
Pedal”.
Author Unknown.
In May of 2004, David and I decided that we wanted to start a family. At the time, we had been married for nearly two years. We had moved to Cheyenne, Wyoming from Spearfish, South Dakota six months earlier so David could take a job at the Cheyenne Police Department. David had always wanted to be a police officer and his dream had finally come true. In March of 2004, David graduated from the Wyoming police academy. It was at his academy graduation that we saw the cutest little boy that was the son of another graduate. He was the deciding factor for us in our family planning process!
Emma –
We started trying to get pregnant in May. In June we purchased our home and really believed that everything was falling into place in our lives. We had wonderful jobs, had started attending church regularly, and had great friends and family supporting us.
In December of 2004 our dream came true. We found out right after Christmas that we were expecting you! Your due date was September 4, 2005. Everything seemed to be going well. My family even sent us an audio tape to play to my belly as it grew so you could hear their voices since they all lived far away. Toward the middle of January of 2005 we decided that we wanted to start creating a nursery for you. We had found some Veggie Tales items online and David decided that he wanted to paint characters on each of the walls.
The night he started drawing the figures I remember feeling really tired. I had been feeling pretty tired throughout the pregnancy so I did not figure that night was anything out of the ordinary. At around 1 am, I woke up in terrible pain. I went to the bathroom and discovered that I was bleeding a lot. I called the answering service for Cheyenne OBGYN and they told me that they would have to contact the on-call doctor and call me back. Upon receiving the phone call, Dr. Foley listened to what was happening that evening and I later realized that she had fallen asleep as I explained things to her. She informed me that even if there was a problem there was nothing that could be done and that I just needed to wait to see if anything else happened.
Two weeks later, on Friday, January 28, I went to my regularly scheduled appointment. We arrived at the appointment and were scheduled to see Dr. Foley. We were brought back to an exam room where they attempted to listen to your heart beat. There was nothing. Dr. Foley told us that we were still pretty early in the pregnancy and that it was likely that everything was still fine. We were told that they would go ahead and do an ultrasound that day though just to be sure everything was progressing as it should be.
We were brought back to another room for the ultrasound about a half hour later. David and I could see everything the ultrasound tech was seeing because there was a television near the ceiling with the images on it. The tech looked around for a while and we could see the gestational sac but there was nothing inside of it. The tech left the room for a short time and came back in with Dr. Foley. It was at that point that the doctor looked at us and said, “Well, it doesn’t look good. Looks like you are bound to miscarry.” The words were heartbreaking but not nearly as heartbreaking as the lack of empathy from the physician we had to care for us at that time.
We were told then that I needed to have my blood drawn to really be sure that I was miscarrying and that my hormone levels were dropping like they should be. So, we headed down stairs to the lab in the hospital. We were both still extremely upset and upon arriving, the gal who was supposed to take my blood looked at the other lady in the lab and said, “I can’t do it! You need to draw her blood.” It broke my heart to see someone else so upset just from seeing us. The weekend came and went and we had made the decision to have a D&E so we did not have to wait to expel everything from the pregnancy.
I had heard wonderful things about Dr. Lind who happened to also be part of Cheyenne OBGYN so I had decided that I wanted him to do my surgery for me. My mom came down early in the week to be with us before, during and after the surgery. Everything went well with the surgery and I apparently even had a conversation with the anesthesiologist in Spanish on my way back from surgery. I have no recollection of this, David still likes to tell people about it though.
I decided to stay home for a few days after the surgery and just planned on going to work on Friday of that week. I knew that going back to work was going to be a difficult thing so I figured that just getting my feet wet on a Friday before going back for a full week was my best bet.
We were told by Dr. Lind to wait for one normal cycle before trying to get pregnant again. Just to be sure that everything was working like it should be.
Lily –
Much to our surprise, we found out that we were pregnant again the day after Mother’s Day 2005 and you were due January 12, 2006. We were scared out of our minds to be pregnant again but still filled with tremendous joy! Because of our wariness, we did not even tell many people that we were pregnant.
The weekend after we found out we were pregnant we took a trip to South Dakota with the bank I was working for at the time. The weekend was great and my family was even able to spend some time with us while we were up there. It was on that trip that my mom bought me my first maternity shirt. She said to me over and over again that she really did believe that this pregnancy was going to work and that she was so very excited for us.
The Monday after we got back from our trip I started to bleed pretty heavily again. I called the doctor’s office immediately and let them know that I was miscarrying and that I just needed to get in to have my blood drawn. I knew that this miscarriage was already pretty far along so I decided to just miscarry at home this time.
After having my blood drawn I was told to call a day or so later to get the results of my blood tests. I called and left a message for the nurse but did not receive a call back. I called back the next day and after being passed from voice mail to voice mail, my call was directed back up to the receptionist. I asked if she could please get someone for me to talk to. She then asked me if it was an emergency. My response was no, but I had been instructed to call and get my test results from their office. Her response to me was, “If I pull someone out of a room for this…they are not going to be happy.” It was at that point that I decided that I was going to switch doctor’s offices. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office with David some time after that crying. I was heartbroken. In the midst of my crying I apologized to him. Without even a second’s hesitation, he said to me, “Sara, if I had wanted a litter, I would have married a dog and had puppies!” As ridiculous as it sounds, there was nothing that he could have said at that moment that would have been as wonderful. He hugged me and just let me cry.
In the midst of all of our trials and tribulations, we had made our way back to Frontier United Methodist Church because we truly felt at home with that congregation. I remember one Sunday in particular that still to this day brings me great shame and embarrassment. It was either late May or early June and I remember being in church and singing the song Amazing Love.
I’m forgiven because You were forsaken.
I’m accepted. You were condemned.
I’m alive and well,
Your Spirit is within me
Because You died and rose again.
Amazing love, how can it be
That you, my King would die for me?
Amazing love, I know it’s true:
It’s my joy to honor you.
In all I do I honor You.
You are my King.
You are my King.
Jesus, You are my King.
Jesus, You are my King.
I was singing the song and thinking to myself, despite what you are going through, you are “alive and well” and that brought me to tears. I knew I really did have a great life and that things may not be like I wanted them to be but I still had a wonderful existence. It was during that song that I looked in front of me and saw a family with a beautiful baby, and looked behind me and saw a glowing pregnant woman. I fell apart. I was furious. I was hurt beyond anything that I had ever experienced before. Why did God let this happen to me? As the service progressed I had a horrible feeling of guilt about being so angry at a woman that I thought I had never even met.
After church was over I truly felt convicted for having felt such anger. For that reason, I decided that I needed to apologize to that woman. She was with her husband and little boy when I approached her. I remember looking at her and just saying, “I owe you an apology.” She of course had a horribly confused look on her face so I proceeded to tell her what my experience had been with my miscarriages and what had happened in church that day. I just sobbed. The poor thing did not have any idea what to do. I remember that just a minute or two into my confession our pastor’s wife approached me and gave me a hug. As David and I walked out from church that day I said, “She must have thought I was crazy!” David’s response to me was, “Yup!”
The next week I knew I had to apologize to that poor woman for my actions the week before. So once again, I approached her and let her know that I really was not as crazy as I seemed to be the week before and that I was sincerely sorry for my actions. We had a short conversation after that in which we found out that they lived just around the corner from us and that when we first moved into our house and our dog ran away that they were the ones that found her for us. Also, we discovered that David was the police officer that had responded to a call they made earlier that summer. The names of those family members were Matthew, Mindy and Caleb Hudson.
As time passed, the emotions changed all the more. Some days were good and some days were not so good. We continued to attend Frontier Church despite my episode with Mindy during her pregnancy. And regardless of everything that happened, I was still very happy for Matthew & Mindy when little Maylie was born on July 10, 2005. Throughout the remainder of the summer, we played softball on our church team with Matthew and even Mindy at times.
Months later, there was an announcement made at church that there were going to be some “small groups” starting. We decided that it would be a good thing for us to join a group to be more involved with our church family. The evening that worked the best for us was Mondays and just by chance, the group that was planning on meeting on Monday evenings was the Hudson’s group. We joined the group and found ourselves being “taken in” and loved by the members. Mindy and I even became quite close as a result of our group meetings.
I remember driving home from work one afternoon. There was a song on the radio that I had heard many times before then but it had never had the effect on me that it had that day.
"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I found myself becoming increasingly angry and I was not sure why. Then it came to me, I was angry at God. I was angry at him for taking both of you away from me. I could not help but cry. Not long after that day I was talking to a dear friend of mine, Tamra Jackson. We started talking about what I had been going through and we got on the subject of that song and how it made me feel. I told her about my anger and she assured me that God already knew about it and that if anyone can handle us being angry, He can!
It was not long after that day that I started yet another new chapter in my life in a new job at the Wyoming Department of Transportation. As the months went by, we were becoming increasingly frustrated by not getting pregnant. So, during the summer of 2006 we decided to set up an appointment with Dr. Storey at Cheyenne Women’s Clinic. At the appointment we were very impressed by Dr. Storey and his apparent dedication to our case. Even as we were sitting and discussing everything his cell phone rang and he found out that he needed to get to the hospital ASAP for a c-section. After he hung up his phone, he said, “Ok, what’s your next question?” We knew that this was going to be a good fit for us in our journey. The direction that Dr. Storey recommended that we head was to be sure that everything was working ok with both David and me. This would require some testing. When I went in for my blood tests, I had to have it drawn twice to be sure I was ovulating, the ladies that took my blood said, “I hope you get the answers that you want!” It was at that time that I realized that I really did not know what I wanted. Did I want there to be something wrong that they could potentially not fix or did I want there to be nothing wrong and still not know why we were not getting pregnant? I knew that I was not supposed to know but God did and I just needed to put my trust in Him and His decisions.
As it turned out, everything was ok with both of us. Timing was the only issue we had to deal with. So, with that in mind we found comfort and kept on trying.
Joshua
It was the fall of 2006. We had both been playing volleyball and were pretty happy where we were in our jobs etc. We found out on Saturday, November 18 that we were pregnant with you. We were elated!
On Monday, I went in to the doctor to have my blood levels checked to be sure everything was where it should be and were told that we could repeat the test in a week and once my levels reached 2500, we could have our first ultrasound. In the mean time, we traveled to South Dakota to spend Thanksgiving with my family and to tell all of them the good news. We were torn between telling the world about you and keeping our news quiet. We decided though that the people we wanted to tell were the people that would be genuinely happy for us and they would also be the same people that would be sad with us if anything bad happened.
I knew that you were due toward the end of July which kind of put a wrench on some summer plans since my brother was planning on getting married 07-07-07 and I would be unable to travel that late in my pregnancy. After we told all of them, everything got ironed out though and they planned the wedding for 05-27-07.
When we returned from our trip to South Dakota my levels were high enough to have an ultrasound. So, we went in and were very nervous to say the least. But, the ultrasound showed that everything was going really well and they changed my due date to August 1st. So, with a great ultrasound under our belts, we told more people about you.
The doctor told us that they wanted to repeat the ultrasound in two weeks just to be sure everything was still looking good. Our second ultrasound was unbelievable. We saw you! We saw your little heart beating. We saw your brain and spinal cord and we cried! We were so happy to see that everything appeared to be perfect with you. The ultrasound tech was even smiling when she saw how happy we were. We were so excited about seeing you that we asked for a couple of copies an ultrasound photo so we could give them away. We have some friends that are so very special to us, Lyle & Caren Finch, that we wanted to share one of the copies with. Their son was killed in a car accident a year before and they had said to us that they would never be grandparents. David and I assured them though that they would indeed be grandparents and so we bought a picture frame that said “Great Dads get promoted to Grandpa” and gave it to them with the ultrasound photo.
In preparation for my brother’s wedding, we took some time to order my bridesmaid dress. The dress was beautiful. It was a tea length dress with a halter neckline and the color was honeydew. Not knowing what size I would be, we ordered the dress four sizes larger so I would have “room to grow!”
In the mean time I had found out that a lady I worked with, Janice, had a daughter that was due about two weeks before I was. She and I had lots of fun talking about babies at work and about how great it was! Everything was going well, I was nauseous, I was hungry all the time and I had many other typical pregnancy symptoms. I was elated when I felt horrible because I knew that meant everything was going well in there. I remember feeling “good” one day and oh how that scared me. I had already placed many Bible verses on my computer screen to glance at throughout the day but it was an email from Mindy’s mom that brought me the most comfort in my worry.
Dear Sara, God has put you and that new little one in my heart to pray for.
I have even written you and the baby into my bible study notes so that I
don't forget to pray (I am working on my prayer skills :-). My eldest
daughter has not ever said anything about you being crazy but she has spoken
of her very dearest Wyoming friend who has made her life much fuller than it
has been in a while. You are a very wonderful friend and Mindy loves you
very much. I feel like I know you because of the many fun times that Mindy
shares with me that the two of you have had. Try not to worry too much
about your new little one, put the baby into God's hands and know that no
matter what, He has "the best" plan for both of your lives. God only wants
what is best for all of His children. With the "media" always telling us all
the "bad" news we get wrapped up in thinking about the "worst thing" that
can happen (especially if we have already experienced that), then we dwell
on "those things". If we truly follow God we have to undergo a "renewing of
the mind" and start making ourselves dwell on all the positive and good
things that God brings into our lives each and every day........it is SO
hard to do that in this day and age! I am trying to memorize the
"Whatevers".......Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are
true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things
are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if
there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on
these things.
I too forget to "mediate" on the good things of God. I tend to think in
terms of "worst case" but God is teaching me to remember the good things and
to believe that good is for me too! I have had my share of "bad things",
things that I didn't and still don't know why they happened to me, and I
think each of us has, but I have had so much more good than bad. I will
be "thinking and praying" about you and your baby each day throughout this
pregnancy. Part of my prayer will be that you know the care and protection
of the Father who loves all of us, His children. Love & Blessings,
Isabel aka Mindy’s mom
So, I went about my day and the rest of my week feeling ok until I heard on Wednesday, January 3, 2007 that Janice’s daughter had lost her baby. I was heart broken for them. I tried not to worry about you but how could I not? Everything was still going well so I really had no reason to worry.
And then it happened. It was Friday, January 5 and everything seemed to be normal until I went to the bathroom that afternoon. I was not bleeding but I knew that what I saw was not normal. I was terrified. I went back to my desk and tried not to cry. I sat there and a million different things crossed my mind. I knew that I was going to worry all weekend about it if I did not call the doctor’s office. So, I called the office and asked to speak to Leah, a friend of mine that assists Dr. Storey. She was very cheery and asked me what was up. I could not help but cry. I sobbed when she asked me if everything was ok. I told her what had happened and she told me she would call me back in a few minutes and let me know if they could get me in for an ultrasound. It seemed like it took forever to hear back but she did call and told me to head down to have an ultrasound so we would know what was happening before the weekend.
I was on my way out of the office and knew I needed to tell someone why I was leaving so I pulled Janice out into the hallway with me. I let her know what had happened and what was about to happen. She told me that she was going to take me to my appointment and then asked me if I had talked to David yet. I said that I had not but I was planning on calling him on my way. So, I dialed his number and when he answered I tried to fight off the tears but I was unsuccessful. I told him what had happened and told him that he needed to meet me for the ultrasound. Janice and I arrived before David did and I was taken back to a room by the same tech that had done our second ultrasound. I told her what had happened and she said, “Maybe it’s just a false alarm!” I tried to find comfort in those words.
David got there and came back to the room where I was. I remember watching the screen as she did the ultrasound and hoping that we would see that everything was ok. She did some measurements and you only measured at 8.5 weeks and I was nearly 12. She tried to listen to your heartbeat but there was nothing. I was trying my best to lay still for her but I know I was shaking as I cried. David just sat in silence with tears in his eyes. I think the worst part came when the tech looked me in the eye and told me that she needed to go get the doctor. We had been told before that if things did not look good on an ultrasound it was required that a doctor come in and review it. The doctor came in and they tried again to see or hear a heartbeat and did a few other things and then he said it…I do not remember everything that he said I only remember him asking me if I understood what was happening. He indicated that there was no heartbeat, that you had stopped growing and he called it “fetal demise.”
They told me that they needed to write up the information about the ultrasound and then they would send me upstairs to talk to Dr. Storey. After a few minutes, Janice came back to the room with us and then Leah came down too. We went upstairs and Dr. Storey came in to talk about what the next steps could be. I decided that I wanted to have a D&E again because I had seen you and I did not want to have to miscarry at home. Dr. Storey scheduled my surgery for the very next day and sent us on our way to get some post-surgery prescriptions. He also mentioned some steps that we could take after the surgery. I was high risk now so they could definitely justify more tests and a higher level of care the next time.
On our way home we passed our pastor’s wife. I waved to her and no more than 5 minutes after we got home the phone rang. It was her. She asked me if I was ok and I told her what had happened. She said, “Oh Sara, I was hoping you just looked tired.” Later on as I was on the phone with my mom, there was a knock on the door. It was our pastor. He had talked to his wife and knew what had happened. Not long after he got there, there was another knock. It was Tamra Jackson. Our pastor could not stay long but he did say that he wanted to pray with us before he left. So, as we sat on the couch he attempted to pray. David and I were so crushed that we just cried. As he began to speak he started to cry as well. The reality of the situation was really becoming more apparent and harder to handle as the minutes passed. Throughout the evening more of our friends came to visit us, Gene & Kerry Hood, Lyle & Caren Finch and Mindy. Some moments of the evening were horribly hard. I remember looking at our guests at one point and saying to them that no matter what happened in the future it did not matter because I wanted that baby!
David and I went to bed early that night because we knew that the next day was going to be a hard one and we needed our rest. David’s mom and some of our friends were going to go with us to the hospital for my surgery. So, to bed we went. Everything hit us again. We cried together and just laid there in each other’s arms.
The next morning I woke up at around 5 but laid in bed until after my alarm went off at 6. I tried to fight off the tears as I laid there but once my alarm went off on I began to cry again. The song that was playing was “Healing Rain” –
Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long
Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name
Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain
And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am
Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
To be washed in Heaven's rain...
Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...
I cried more that morning and felt emptier than I had ever felt before. I called my mom and told her what had happened so far that morning and she told me that David and I needed to say our goodbyes to you before we went in to the hospital for the surgery. So, once I got off of the phone with her we both put our hands on my stomach and told you how much we loved you and how much we were going to miss you.
David’s mom got to our house and we went on our way to the hospital. When we arrived the nurse told me right away that my friends were already in my hospital room waiting for me. I walked in to the smiling faces of Mindy, Kerry Hood and Tamra Jackson. As the morning progressed we all talked and laughed together and played cards. More visitors made their way to my room, Janice, Amanda Carson, and my pastor’s wife. So, when Dr. Storey came in he was quite surprised to see so many people there with me. Before I went in for surgery I wanted someone to say a prayer. After we prayed, I realized that the anesthesiologist had given me something and as they wheeled me out I said to everyone, “I’m not going to lie, I’m feeling a little loopy!”
The next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room. I vaguely remember asking Dr. Storey if they saw you and he told me there was just a lot of tissue and that there was really nothing that was significant. After a while they brought me back to my room and I was able to go home not long after that.
David and his mom made chicken enchiladas for us to eat that evening and so we invited the Hudsons over. Dinner was nice and it was good to have friends around. We had decided that we were going to go to church the next day. We knew that it was going to be very hard but we felt like we needed to be there. So, we got there and sat down. I did not want people to look at me and I did not want to talk about it. Then Mindy came to me and said that Karla Oligschlaeger was in the back of the church and wanted to come give me a hug and wondered if that was ok. I said that would be fine and the next thing I knew I was being hugged from behind and was once again overwhelmed by grief.
As church began I knew that there was no way that I was going to be able to sing any of the songs but it did comfort me to listen to Mindy singing them. When we did the congregational prayer someone prayed aloud for us and that made it hurt all the more. I made a decision during the service though that David and I should take the week off from work and just go away to South Dakota for a few days. David agreed that getting away would probably be good for us so we made plans to leave Tuesday morning and we would return on Friday afternoon.
So, we made the preparations and packed up our things for our trip. We left Tuesday mid-morning and arrived to my parents’ house Tuesday evening. I called to chat with Mindy about her day and she told me that her day was pretty busy and that the kids did not get naps because of it. The conversation wound down and we hung up. Not long after that, my phone rang again and it was Mindy. She called me to tell me that she had lied to me. She said that she had told me that they were just busy and that the kids did not get naps but that was not the entire story. She asked me if I had access to my work email. I told her that I did and that I would probably be checking it while we were on our trip. She begged me not to check it because there was an email from her mom and that it was very important to her that I did not read it because the contents were really something that she needed to talk to me about in person. I promised her that I would not read the email but would wait to talk to her when I returned to Cheyenne.
I had every intention of keeping my promise to Mindy. I was also racking my brain trying to figure out what would be so important that she needed to tell me in person. Curiosity got the best of me and I read the email. The subject was “A Favor”
Dear Sara, I am writing for two reasons. First I want to tell you how
sorry I am that you lost your baby. I will NOT ever understand why God
allows thing to happen to us that are sometimes almost unbearable. My heart
breaks for you and David. The second reason I am writing is to tell you
the story of a person who loves you so much......you can not know how much.
You see, a few weeks ago Mindy went to the doctor for some female issues
and she found out that she was expecting a baby. Her and Matt decided not
to tell anyone for several reasons. They had NOT planned on Mindy getting
pregnant so soon and they did not want to take any joy away from you and
David. The only reason that I found out was because I know my daughter well
enough to know when she is lying to me. When she found out that you were
losing your baby, all she could think about was how her pregnancy was going
to effect you. She was so upset, she was beside herself with worry. She
knew how difficult it was for you when she was pregnant with Maylie.
The reason I am telling you all of this (I know my daughter will probably be
VERY upset with me) is because Mindy is alone right now, driving herself to
the emergency room.......because she is miscarrying her own baby. She
started spotting a couple of days ago and now she is losing her child too.
I think it is because of all the stress she was experiencing. Matt is at
work right now and she can't reach him so she has Maylie with her because
she had no one to watch her. Mindy needs someone to be there for her too,
I don't think her or Matt will tell you, knowing what you have been through,
but my daughter needs you. Most of all I want you to know that my daughter
has put you above herself, thinking only about how you will feel and how you
will react to this pregnancy. She was so excited that the two of you would
be pregnant together. When you lost your baby all she could think of was
you. I thought you, being Mindy’s closest friend in Wyoming should know.
Love & Blessings, Isabel
I remember reading the email and noticing just a two significant words…pregnant and miscarrying. We did not even know that she was pregnant. Apparently no one did. I was torn to pieces not because I was upset about not knowing but because I was not there for Mindy. I called Mindy right away and confessed that I was a big, fat liar and that I had read the email.
Because of everything that happened with Mindy miscarrying we decided to cut our trip to South Dakota short and we headed home on Thursday to be there for Mindy. It was good for me to be with someone else that was going through what I was going through at that exact time.
As time passed, the physical pain went away and David and I were more able to think about healing emotionally. This miscarriage was a lot harder for him than the other two had been because he had seen the baby. So, we started taking the walk toward healing together.
My post-op appointment was scheduled for a few weeks after the surgery and David was able to go with me. At the appointment, Dr. Storey told us that he had never seen a hospital room with so many people in it! Then we went over the how are you feeling questions and Dr. Storey asked us where we wanted to go from there. He explained that the first step would be to simply take my blood and check it for common problems. The step after that would be genetic testing and from what Dr. Storey indicated, genetic testing may be able to tell us if there was anything wrong but the things that are discovered most times are not treatable. So, we decided to have my blood drawn that day to check for the more treatable problems. They took 12 tubes of my blood in order to run all of the tests.
A few weeks later I got a call from Dr. Storey about my blood tests. He said everything looked pretty good with all of the tests. The only thing that was questionable was my Protein C level. He explained that Protein C is an anti-coagulant and if someone is deficient there could be micro-vascular coagulation problems. He further explained that a deficiency could make it difficult or even impossible for a placenta to attach itself to a uterus because the mother’s body would essentially not allow it because the blood clots too much. The good news with a Protein C deficiency is that it can most likely be remedied with a baby aspirin a day to thin the blood. Dr. Storey said that in order for us to be certain that I did or did not have a deficiency they would have to re-take my blood in three months. I was very happy to have a possible answer but at the same time, I was sad that we had not discovered this possible solution before any of the miscarriages.
In the mean time, we were getting quite eager to start trying again. I did not want to start trying without having an aspirin a day in my system so I called the doctor to see if I should wait to start taking the aspirin until after they retested me and therefore not start trying again until after the three months was up. Dr. Storey said I should start taking the aspirin and they would still retest me in three months and if I ended up pregnant before then they would just assume that I was in fact Protein C deficient and continue with the baby aspirin a day.
So, that is where we are today. I have started taking the baby aspirin and am not pregnant as of yet. I have realized once again that I do not know what the right answer is for David and me in this instance. I would love to have a baby. I want so much to see what he or she will look like and who they will act like. I still cry sometimes when I think about what could have been and about how it just is not fair that I have three of you in heaven waiting for me. I want to see you. I want to hold you. I want to watch you grow up. I know though that is not possible and that I have to wait until I get to heaven to see you. I know that you are in the best hands up there though. I try not to get angry anymore. I try to accept the life that I am living and most days I think I am ok at accepting. I have made an appointment with a specialist in Ft. Collins, Colorado just to see if there is anything more he can do for us and hopefully he can help get us pregnant.
In the meantime, we just wait. Losing each of you has forever changed me. I do not ever want to forget what each of you meant and still mean to me which is why I believe this is still so hard for me. There are so many people besides me and David who love each of you and for that I am grateful. Losing a baby is something that should never happen to anyone but it does. It even happens three times in a row! I have faith though that the things I experienced throughout all of this have in some way made me a better person. I do not think there will come a day that I will not miss you. I hope there will not ever be a day when I do not think about each of you. The people I have met throughout all of this and the friendships that have started and grown are more wonderful than I could ever express to anyone.
I know that God has a plan more wonderful than I can imagine for my life. The hard part is waiting to see what that plan is and enduring the trials in the meantime. My dear friend Tamra Jackson has told me more than once that even though I am going through some major “valleys” in my life right now, God has a “mountain top” with my name on it and someday I will be on top of that mountain holding a baby, standing next to my husband who loves me more than anything in the world, and we will be rejoicing with all of those people who have loved and supported us. Tamra wrote me the following email on a day that I was struggling.
God to the rescue-
Sara you are loved by the Supreme Ruler and Master of the universe more than you will ever know or be able to fathom. Jesus does not want to see you sad, hurting or kicked in the gut. He feels your pain and understands your disappointment. He does not discount this or minimize the hurt and disappointment you are feeling. He wants you to share your deepest most inner feelings from the bottom of your soul with Him. You are walking in God’s will every step and your walk is a very difficult one right now. Every step you take makes God very proud of you. When your days are done on this earth He is going to hold you in His arms face to face and say well done my child.
I am led to lead you to Hebrews 12. This is not my writing-all the glory to God.
This is from me---when you guys are standing on the mountain top with a tiny little one in all its wonder—we are all going to stand there with you guys and smile until our faces crack. It will be awesome beyond words. It is worth the heartache, disappointment, disbelief, not understanding why and most of all, the wait. The baby will come in God’s perfect timing.
I love you my friend! I am taking some of your pain and replacing it with a tiny little sliver of peace.
In addition to those wonderful words of encouragement from her, I have found great comfort in Romans 5: 3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
There is a song that titled “Blessed Be Your Name.” I have always liked this song but since I miscarried the third time I have been unable to sing it. As soon as the music begins I start to cry and I shake through the entire thing. Although the song is very difficult for me to sing, the message included in the lyrics has made a lasting impression in my life. I realize that there will be suffering in my life and that God gives and takes away; I am working on the rest of it. I do not know that I will ever get to the place in my life where I will be able to say “thank you” to Him for what I have gone through but as I said before, I know He has a plan for me.
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
The only other thing that I would add to this is the story below. There have been so many times throughout all of this that I knew I could not continue but God is always faithful and as much as I may have not wanted to, I have continued pedaling!
Pedal
At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited Heaven or Hell when I die. He was out there sort of like the president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn’t really know Him.
But later on when I recognized my Higher Power, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride. But it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that God was in the back helping me pedal.
I don’t know just when it was that He suggested that we change places. But life has just not been the same since. Life with my Higher Power, that is. God makes life exciting!
When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable. It was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places and at breakneck speeds: it was all I could do to hang on! Even thought it looked like madness, He said: “Pedal!”
I worried and was anxious and asked, “Where are you taking me?” He laughed and didn’t answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I would say, “I’m scared”, He would lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey: our journey, God’s and mine.
And we were off again. He said, “Give the gifts away, they’re extra baggage, too much weight.” So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.
I did not trust Him at first, in control of my life. I thought He would wreck it. But He knows bike secrets, He knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages.
And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest of places, and I am beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, my Higher Power.
And when I’m sure I just can’t do any more, He just smiles and says…”
Pedal”.
Author Unknown.
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