15 Days

Good morning little one.

Well, life is normal again. Normal...that seems like a strange term considering everything I would have considered normal before losing you isn't normal anymore. Anyway...

Life has been good though. We took a trip last week to meet your new cousin. It was a very good trip and I was happy we took it. Little Knox is a wonderful little person and I am so happy he is in our lives. He wore some of your clothes while we were out there. I thought it would be more bitter sweet than it was. More than anything, I was just happy to see them being used.

Your little sister got an ear infection while we were out there and that was no fun. But other than that, the trip was fairly uneventful. It was a good time and we saw lots of fun things while we were there. We went to Niagara Falls and to a children's museum and to a park where birds ate out of our hands. It was fun.

I was super happy to be able to spend time with my brother (your uncle). He's my only sibling and I don't get to see him as much as I would like to. He gets me. He loves me. He is the most wonderful brother I could ever ask for. We have our differences, but the thing I love most about him is that we can have hard conversations and at the end of it all, we love each other still and don't hold grudges about things that were said. We say the things that we need to say, and I at least, don't feel angry when we talk (I can't speak for him of course but I would assume it is probably the same for him). When he looks at me, you can see in his eyes that he loves his little sister. Much like I imagine you would have looked at your little sister. I love him. That's the bottom line. And I love him more than he will ever know!

Then on our way home we were waiting at the airport for our flight and there was a play place. Your big sister was in heaven! While she was playing, a daddy and his twin girls came and started to play with her. Your daddy and I were talking to each other, trying to decide how old the little girls were and decided they were probably about a year and a half old. So, long story short, their mommy came up and we chatted a little bit. Sure enough, when I asked how old they were, she said 18 months. Then I decided to add insult to injury and ask when their birthday was. August 14th...just 15 days before you were born. It was fun to watch your big sister interact with them. She was teaching them how to throw and roll balls and other fun things like that. Then I realized something. You will be 18 months old next week. I didn't feel terribly sad when I realized it. It was more just like, huh, so that's what he'd be like. It did make me a little sad when I realized that's what it would be like to see your big sister playing with you though. She's such a sweet girl and seeing how gentle and kind she was with those little girls made my heart ache just a little bit.

I think about what I was doing fifteen days before we lost you. And I think about being completely oblivious to what was going to happen. It's amazing what can happen in 15 days. It makes me want to be more thankful for each day I live now.


I love you little one. Take care up there and think of your mommy please!

I cried

Good morning little one. I guess I should say Happy Valentine's Day too. It doesn't seem terribly happy today though. Oh well, I guess that's life. I don't know that I can completely wrap my head around why I'm feeling *blah* today, but I'll try to give you a glimpse into it.

But first, we need to go back in time to August 27, 2009. You see, that was the night of my baby shower for you. It was a Thursday and my running buddies had planned a super great party in your honor. I went to the shower, and posed by the cake for pictures. I sat in the comfy rocking chair and opened presents just for you. I hung out with my running buddies and lots of other friends and some family too. It was a wonderful party to say the least. Everybody there was so excited for you to make your arrival. Everybody was...

Then after the shower I went home and decided I would take care of all of the things you and I had gotten at your big party. So, I sat in the rocking chair in your room and removed tags from clothes and blankets and toys. Then I put all of the clothes in the hamper so I could be sure they were washed and folded and put away just perfectly for when you came. While I sat there, I couldn't shake the thought that I hadn't felt you moving much that day. But I dismissed my thoughts and told myself that I was busy all day and probably just hadn't paid enough attention.

Then it happened. We all know how the rest of the story goes...and it just happened that the rest of the story started just a few hours after I took the tags of of those things and dismissed my thoughts regarding your lack of movement.

SO...

I have not been to a baby shower since yours.

I have not really been back to that friends' house since then.

But as you know, Carter, being "safe" and "comfortable" don't last forever. And last night my internal flood gates were broken. I can't say it's a bad thing. I can't say I was even worried about it all that much.

You see little one, my running buddies and I threw a baby shower for one of our friends last night. It just so happened that the baby shower was for a little boy. And, the shower was at the same friend's house (she's the pregnant one).

I had thought about the shower quite a bit even last week, but I didn't let myself get freaked out about what could/might/probably would happen once I got there. I had given myself the option of bringing the cake and leaving if I felt the need. But I really wanted to be there for my friend. She is such a good friend to me and was even there when you were born. It's not like I felt I owed it to her, but she means a lot to me and I wanted to be there for her.

Then I drove up to her house and parked my car. Once I turned the car off I felt like I could have puked. But, I gathered my things and walked toward the house. With each step I was thinking about what I would and wouldn't do once I got in there. I had decided I would not put the cake on the table since that was where my cake sat. And I decided I wasn't going to sit in the living room while she opened presents because that's where everyone was sitting for our shower too. So, I stood in the kitchen and just leaned on the wall trying to blend in with my surroundings. I didn't want to make the shower about me in any way shape or form. So I gave the polite "I'm good" smiles to people when I caught them glancing at me.

Then it happened. My friend started opening presents and the first one contained super cute little boy clothes. She of course held them up and showed them off. She is going to be such a proud mama to this little guy. I held back my tears as I looked at her in the same spot I was sitting at our shower, although in a different chair. The tears just sat on my eyelids and I was doing a pretty good job of holding them in until...

My friend proudly held up another outfit and looked my way with a smile. She just looked at me and said, "This is really hard for you isn't it? I just realized that." I just nodded my head to confirm her suspicions and started to weep. Dog gone it, Sara! This wasn't supposed to be about you. And I told all of my friends that. I felt horrible for crying. I felt horrible for turning the happiness of her shower into a glum, sad "Sara's crying" fest. But at the same time, I have learned since losing you, that there are sometimes when the tears just come and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.

I was grateful that just a few minutes were taken by various friends to give me hugs and to gently change the subject so I could compose myself and be ok for the rest of the party.

In the end, I can say I am proud I lived through the shower. I am definitely not biting at the bit to attend another one any time in the near future.

And when I went home, your daddy greeted me with a hug and asked how it went. Then before I went to bed, I went in and kissed each of your sisters. When I kissed your big sister I realized that she is the reason I have not lost my mind since losing you. You see, I needed to be a functioning human being in order to be her mommy and that has helped me on many days. Then I kissed your little sister too and I realized that she is what gave me hope after losing you. Without being pregnant with her and now having her with us, I don't know that I could fully appreciate what it means to hold such great hope in my soul.

Your sisters have taught me so much. Just like you have taught me too. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in life because of my wonderful kiddos. And last night I learned another one. I learned that it's ok to cry at baby showers, and I learned that it's ok to celebrate at them too.

I love you, Carter.

You should try again for a boy

Hey little dude. Well, it's been an ok week here. I was sick earlier in the week, but am feeling much better now.

I did have a meeting for work on the day I was sick and that was no fun at all. But, I just stayed at work long enough to get through the meeting and then went home to bed. While I was at my meeting though, the topic of your sisters came up. I was bragging them up to the four gentlemen in the room with me and then it happened. One of the guys said, "Two girls huh? That's too bad. You should try again for a boy!" My response was, "I had one. He was stillborn." I didn't feel bad about saying it and I hope I didn't make him feel bad about what he had said either. I took that opportunity to talk about what happened to you and about how wonderful NILMDTS is.

It does make me sad when people say things like that. But, I know it wasn't said out of spite or any ill meaning. The guy was just trying to joke with me and as it turns out it's not a joke at all. But that's ok. I miss you like crazy and when I get to tell people about you, it makes me happy.

Then just yesterday my joy about your sisters apparently was showing quite a bit because I got this in an email:

Hey Sara;

GRRRRREAT pic of the kids yesterday! What a blessing!

My Pastor has given his yearly prophecy for 2011. He said in 2011
things are going to be different. By "different" he means it will be GOOD!
It will be HEALTHY! It will be PROSPEROUS! It will be JOYOUS! It will be
filled with LOVE! While the world only knows downturn and chaos, we are
to expect the best. We are to believe it in our hearts and confess it, OUT LOUD,
with our mouths! God wants the best for his children.

I am not trying to proselytize or anything. I just sensed your joy showing off
your children. Keep that joy close to your heart. You guys have certainly had
you past challenges and yet prevailed. YOU, your husband and family are truly
BLESSED! Just believe and say it, even when the world, the doctor's report or
your checkbook (and stupid pile of bills!) etc. is saying otherwise.

All the best and blessings to a different, GRRRRRREAT 2011!~
Sincerely,
Tom

So, there you have it. There will be "no trying again for a boy" for your family and there is an obvious gleam from your mama when she talks about your sisters.

Love you little boy.