Bad Dreams and Well-Meaning Friends

Hey buddy!

Sorry it's been a while again since I last wrote to you. Your daddy, sister and I took a trip to Chicago for a week. It was really nice to go there and to spend some time as a family. I had to work some too, since the whole reason we originally made the trip was because I had a conference, but mainly we just had some quality family time.

I've been doing really well with everything lately until two nights ago. You see, I had a horrible dream. I had a dream that your little sister, Abby, was born but then she was dead. I don't know if she died before she was born or afterward, but I know she was gone.

So, I woke up in the morning and proceeded to freak out (internally) the whole day. I asked for prayers and truly felt them.

Then last night one of my friends sent me a message just to see how I was doing. She is super sweet. She truly cares about me and my well-being. It made me feel better and then I told her that I was afraid of losing not just you but Abby too. Her response to me was, God won't do that to you.

It hurt.

I know she was meaning to comfort me. I know she was trying to make me feel better.

But, all I could think was...I don't think God "did" that to me when we lost you. Thoughts like that would make me doubt God until the end of time. Thoughts like that make me (slightly but not really) wonder if there is something I can/could/should "do" to guarantee that I don't lose another child.

You see Carter, I believe that crap happens. Bad, BAD, REALLY HORRIBLE BAD things happen in this world. And I know that in God is in control of what happens (way too complicated for me to even begin to comprehend) but I also TRULY believe that He didn't "DO" this to me. Why would God want to see me in such horrible pain? Why would God kill my baby? All the whys. All the what ifs. They are too hard for me. They are too much to comprehend.

So today I'm still upset. But I'm trying not to think about it because there is truly no answer that will ever be good enough for my questions until I meet my Maker. And until then, I'm not going to doubt His love for me (at least not on purpose).

Tomorrow is our next appointment and I plan on asking the doctor when we can start the weekly non-stress tests on Abby. I'm hoping that will make me feel better. I am also planning on putting our doppler in my purse tonight so I can listen to her heartbeat whenever I want to. Today has been rough because she wasn't moving much and that freaked me out. So, hopefully having that at my disposal whenever and where ever will help.

Thanks for listening, Carter. Life is rough some times. I don't get it. But writing it out to you seems to bring me some relief. I love you!

Usually OK

Hey Carter.

Well, I truly am "usually ok" with everything. I'm usually ok with thinking about you and being in my little safe and comfortable zone.

But then things like this happen. =- (

I was sitting here at my desk at work and in walks an acquaintance/used to be co-worker of mine. Now that might not sound so bad but you see, Carter, she has a grandson who was born one week (to the day, only 1 dang week) younger than you! She walked in with her daughter and her grandson and I swear that for a split second, I thought about diving under my desk to hide! (She had already seen me though so that would have just looked really funny!) And when she walked in she said, we brought him in just to see Sara! She and her daughter were so excited to show him off to me. They definitely fit the elated mommy and grandma description.

So, there he was, sitting on his grandma's lap right in front of me. I choked back the tears and thankfully they stayed away. I didn't say much. I didn't even pretend like I wanted to hold him. I just sat there and thought about you. How was I supposed to think about anything but you in that situation? How was I supposed to look at how big he was and not wonder how big you would be? How was I supposed to look at the teeth in his mouth and not wonder how many teeth you would have? I just sat there with my head seemingly in outer-space and thought about you. I thought about how much it sucks that you aren't here. It sucks that I can't bring you in to work to show you off to everyone. I thought about how much it sucks that you are dead.

I have no idea how long they stayed. I know that it felt like an eternity to me.

Once they left I took a deep breath and I didn't even start crying then. I did sigh and tell one of my co-workers that I was grateful to have made it through that situation. He looked at me kind of strangely and so I elaborated.

After that, I just needed to run away. I needed to disappear for a little while. So, I called my very dear friend that works in a building across the way and told her I was going to visit her. She was obviously confused and asked me why. I told her that I just was! =- )

So, I went over there and she took me into their conference room and just let me cry. She didn't try to make it better. She didn't try to reason with me. She just let me cry and she listened. I didn't just cry a little bit...I was nearly in hysterics at a couple points. But it didn't matter. She just sat there and let me be who I needed to be in that instant. She let me be your mommy...your mommy who misses you more than you will ever know. She let me break down and then she was there to help me back up and pick up all the pieces when I was done crying. She is an amazing friend, Carter. I am so grateful for her. And I know you have tons of friends just like that up there too. It's an amazing gift!

I love you little boy. I miss you so much.

Grateful

Hey Carter!

Well, I did it. I took care of your things. And to tell you the truth, it was a non-event.

I am so grateful I waited until I was ready.
I am grateful I had someone to give your things too.
I am grateful that she seems to love your things just like I loved them.
I am grateful that they are just things and that I have memories of carrying you inside of me and of holding you on the day you were born.
I am grateful that I can choose to feel joy about you instead of feeling the constant pain.
I am grateful for you.
I am grateful for Ben's mommy.
I am grateful for this new pregnancy and extremely grateful that I'm feeling some excitement about it now.
I am grateful for your daddy and sister.
I am grateful for family.
I am grateful for a church family and friends who stand by me and truly understand the Sara that I was and the Sara that I continue to evolve into.
I am grateful for new friends I have made all because of you!

I am grateful!