11 Months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Carter's 11 month heavenly birthday we'll sing him a song,
We'll sing it together,
We'll all sing along.
May love be beside you your whole heavenly lifetime through.
Happy birthday dear Carter,
Happy birthday to you!

Oh my goodness, I can't believe you are 11 months old now. Oh how the time has flown. And oh how time has stood still. It's surreal. I think back to 11 months ago and the pain that we were feeling. And then I think about where I am today…I can’t believe it, Carter. I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe where life has taken me. I can’t believe the things I have learned. I can’t believe the tears I have cried. All of the days I have sat here wondering…wondering what life would be like if you were here. Wondering what will happen in the future and knowing that in that future I will always include you. I will always include you in every way I can.

Just yesterday your sister and I went to watch the Thunderbirds fly and I thought it would be a nice thing for us to go to the cemetery to watch them. I am really glad we did. It wasn’t probably the best place to watch the show from, but for your sister’s sake (she doesn’t do well with loud) it worked out quite nicely. We were able to spend time with you. I was happy to have included you in the day. I sat there watching them flying and thought about how cool you would have thought they were (maybe not this year but definitely in the future).

Then this morning I was catching up on my blog reading and read this that Liam’s mommy posted:
She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Her heart is secure, she will have no fear; in the end she will look in triumph on her foes. PSALM 112:7-8
Reading that helped my heart. I really like the reassurance of everything ending up “ok”. It was a blessing.

But, today I feel like I’m just in a fog. I guess that’s an ok thing. I am exhausted and totally drained, but I am here and I am wishing you a VERY happy 11 month heavenly birthday little boy. I love you!

Some Good News and Faith

Hey baby boy. I love you and miss you like crazy. This week is Cheyenne Frontier Days and so far it's been uneventful for our family. Tomorrow the Thunderbirds will perform their annual air show and I'm debating as to where your sister and I should go to see it...or even if we should. The loud noises really freak her out. We'll see I guess. In true CFD style though it's been HOT so far this week. And hot makes for cranky mommies who are pregnant. I'm trying my best to put on a happy face and get through it, but by the end of the day I'm exhausted and hot as heck. (Your poor daddy)

On a good note though, I talked to my doctor's office about the Explanation of Benefits we got last week. They did get a copy of the test results from the pathologist and as far as they can tell #1 the results were completely normal (which we totally would have expected) and #2 it appears the only tissue that was tested was umbilical cord and placenta. Which means…they didn’t cut on you!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I’m just going off of what the nurse at the doctor’s office told me from when she read the results, but that’s good enough for me! I’ll ask when I see the doctor again next week just to be sure. But as of right now, things are looking promising in the - you being buried whole category! I was majorly relieved.

Your little sister still seems to be doing well inside of me. She is a mover and a shaker and during the non-stress tests she acts just like she should. Her heart shows accelerations when she moves around and there are no signs of distress. I did talk to my doc yesterday though and told him that I fully realize that NSTs are a false sense of security because cord accidents don’t really give warnings and even though I go in on a weekly basis, bad things can still happen. But, the good ole doc continues to be confident in your sister making a safe arrival here. I am trying not to think about my 35th week which is coming up pretty quickly since that is the week we lost you. And I’m trying not to be paranoid because my doc will be on vacation next week which is a month before your sister will come here…and he was on vacation when we lost you… month before you were due. So, call me paranoid. Call me superstitious. But it is what it is and I’m trying my best to just go with it.

I’m trying to concentrate on having faith.

FAITH

Hmmmmm…that reminds me of a couple of different conversations I’ve had since being pregnant with your little sister. A neighbor told me that I “just need to have faith” about this pregnancy and during another conversation someone agreed with that point.

I know I was probably a little curt with at least the second person when I told them that I have faith. I’ve got all the dang faith in God in the world. But I do not believe it is faith that keeps babies alive. That (to me) would mean that my faith wasn’t strong enough to keep you alive. And that’s crap! I believe that bad stuff happens…really horrible, terrible bad stuff. But, having faith means that I believe that no matter what happens to your little sister or your big sister or you daddy or anyone else that I love, God will carry me through it and that God will somehow bring good out of the cruddy things that can/may/do happen in life. That, to me, is faith.

So, even if people hurt my feelings (and I fully realize they don’t mean to…they just don’t know what to say to me) I know that God is right there by my side, watching out for me as I go through my days here on Earth. It’s not easy, Carter. It’s not even fun at times, but I know that someday things will be perfect and I will never have to feel the pains (mental/emotional/physical/spiritual) of this world again. That’s where my faith and confidence lie.

I love you little boy. Have a good day up there and maybe you could put on some cowboy duds to celebrate CFD! ;) I bet you would be so stinkin’ cute with a little cowboy hat on and some Wranglers. You know this is the only time of year where we even think about getting all “cowboy-ed up”. But it’s fun to have an excuse. I love you!

Are you whole?

Hey buddy. I got punched in the gut and thrown down a flight of stairs yesterday...at least that's what it felt like.

Let me explain.

Right after we found out you had passed away and before we delivered you, there had been some discussion about finding out the cause of your death. Our doctor had told us there was a very real possibility we would never know but that they would do anything and everything they could to try to figure it out. I was so grateful. The doctor said they would obviously examine you and the placenta and even send part of the placenta off for testing. He mentioned the possibility of chromosomal testing and also another kind of test where they could take a couple millimeter piece of skin from and an actual piece of your Achilles tendon in order to do some testing as well. Your daddy and I were on board with any and all tests that they could possibly need to do in order to hopefully find out what happened to you with the exception of an autopsy. I didn’t want them cutting into you like that.

Then you were born. And as soon as you came out, the doctor pointed out your umbilical cord wrapped around your legs. He determined that to be the cause of death and even showed us the spot in the cord where the blood flow was cut off and from there into your little tummy it was just white. It was then that the doctor told us he didn’t believe it was necessary to do the skin or chromosomal testing on you. We were so relieved. And then when the lady from the funeral home told us you did not need to be embalmed because you had never taken a breath, that was a weight off of my shoulders too.

All in all, I was very happy to #1 find out the cause of your death, #2 know that you would not be embalmed, #3 know that you would be buried whole since they wouldn’t have to do any of the skin or chromosomal testing on you. Basically, you would be “Carter” just like God created you when we buried you and that brought me comfort.

Now, fast forward 10 months 3 weeks and 2 days to yesterday…

Let me preface this with something. I have not been in a good place lately. I’ve been crabby and tired and yesterday at work a friend of mine made me super angry so when I left for the day I was not in a good spot.

But, I went and picked your big sister up from “school” just like I usually do and we headed home. When we got home, I checked the mail just like normal and we headed inside the house.

Once inside the house I was looking through the mail and there was just a lot of normal junk mail and other things. Then I opened an Explanation of Benefits from my secondary health insurance company. The first thing I saw on it was: Tissue Culture, Skin/Biopsy. I thought what in the world is this for? Then I looked at the date of service: 08/29/2009. OH MY GOD! It was from you! Then I looked at the rest of the charges and they all referred to chromosomal testing.

After nearly 11 months of believing you were buried whole, I found out that you aren’t. I was crushed. I didn’t care about the money part of it. Money is just money. But you could have knocked me over with a feather when I realized they had cut on you.

So I called the place in California that submitted the information to the insurance company just to find out some general information. I spoke to a woman who informed me that they did indeed receive an order from my doctor here and that the results were sent back to the pathologist.

Now there was another bit to swallow. Not only had they cut on you when I thought they didn’t. Now I didn’t even know the results of these tests! I sobbed.

Don’t get me wrong, Carter, I am not upset at our doctor. I called my friend that works at the doctor’s office and told her about it. She talked to the doctor and he said that he doesn’t remember specifically filling out the order to have the tests done but that they would look into it. He is a really good guy. I know he wouldn’t do something like that to hurt us. What I think happened is this…I think he filled out all of the paperwork for the testing prior to your birth so he could get out of there as soon as possible afterward since it was the middle of the night. In all of that paperwork was probably the order(s) for these tests. So, I really do believe it was an honest mistake and I do not hold it against him.

Here’s the other kicker though…my doctor didn’t ever get the results of the tests. So somewhere (we are currently trying to figure out where) out there are these results. I am hoping they can find them soon so I can try to get past this bump (or boulder, whatever) in the road.

I know I’ll be ok. It will just take time to process everything in my mind. And today I’m better than I was last night so that’s a good thing.

I did cry on my way to work though. I was feeling down and then I looked up and saw a rainbow. I couldn’t keep myself from crying. Then right after that I heard a song on the radio that made me cry even harder! It was You Carried Me by Building 429. Here are they lyrics:

I've been so busy, I missed the reasons
I missed Your love, and I nearly missed it all
Still You've loved me, and You've healed me
You've given all and it brought me to Your cross
I stand only because You've given me grace to walk
Only because

Chorus
You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
And I believe
Yes I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Cause mercy covers all
Cause mercy covers all

I know the scripture, I've known the songs
I sang the words from my hollowed heart
But You've spoken softly through the storm
I've heard Your voice and I've felt the calm
I stand only because You've given me faith to walk
Only because

Chorus

I know that you love me
I'll never doubt it I can't live without it
Your mercy has found me
I am astounded, I can't live without it

You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
You carried me
You carried me
And I believe
Yes I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Cause mercy covers all
Mercy covers all
And I believe
Yeah, and I believe
Yeah, I believe

Oh my goodness, Carter. God is good. I knew that no matter what will happen and no matter what has happened that it WILL all be ok.

And even if you aren’t “whole” as I would define it, you are WHOLE in God and that makes my heart not hurt quite so much. I love you.

Who am I?

Good morning Carter. I love you and hope you are having a good day up there with your friends today. Do you get to experience seasons or is it the same every day? I guess that's just one more thing I will have to wait and experience with you once I get there.

I have been thinking lately about who I am. Who I am in my eyes and who I am to the world I live in.

So I'm going to try to share with you who I am...some things I'm not proud of and there are some things that bring me pain. But then there are other things that I love being and love being known as.

I am...Sara and my name means princess.
I am...29 years old.
I am...a mom to six children.
I am...a mom to only one living child (hopefully that number will increase to 2 on September 1st).
I am...categorized as someone with "A history of term demise" when it comes to delivering your little sister.
I am...someone who cannot successfully carry a baby out of the first trimester unless I am on medications to force my body to stay pregnant.
I am...a wife.
I am...the proud wife of a police officer who loves his job and it shows.
I am...a wife that tells her husband every night before he leaves for work to "be careful". That's my way of putting the responsibility on him intead of worrying myself every night about his safety.
I am...a daughter.
I am...a sister.
I am...a child of God.
I am...someone who loved being in labor with your big sister and looks very forward to being in labor with your little sister too.
I am...scared that your sisters will die.
I am...praying that my fears aren't realized.
I am...a mom who works full-time but not because I love my job, only because it allows me to provide for my family.
I am...a college graduate with a degree in business administration and another in Spanish.
I am...an athlete.
I am...a triathlete.
I am...frustrated that I can't exercise right now.
I am...a friend.
I am...tired.
I am...crabby.
I am...drained.
I am...a lot more mellow than I ever was before losing you.
I am...a talker.
I am...trying to be a better listener.
I am...wondering still why it is that I have to visit my son at the cemetery instead of picking him up from daycare.
I am...wondering if I will ever be able to look at kiddos your age and not fall apart.
I am...thinking there is a lot of junk in the world that people all around me are dealing with and I don't understand why there is so much pain and heartache.
I am...an animal lover.
I am...slightly crazy apparently since we have five pets (3 dogs and 2 cats).
I am...grateful for the sunshine.
I am...grateful for the home I live in.
I am...100% Dutch. (Ya ain't much if ya ain't Dutch! This explains why I'm so cheap!)
I am...getting gray hair and I don't care!
I am...stubborn as heck.
I am...a lover of candy and junk food.
I am...not a big fruit eater...ok let's be honest...I don't really eat any fruit.
I am...a Christian music fan. It's all I listen to unless your sister is in the car and we are listening to princess songs on cd.

I think this list is a pretty comprehensive look at who your mommy is. I know it isn't complete by any means. But it gives you a glimpse of me. I hope there are some things in there that make you proud of me, Carter. I wish you could see these things for yourself down here instead of from up there in heaven. But you can't, so instead I have to write them to you. Thanks for listening little boy. I love you.

Why can't I just be normal?

Hey Carter. I love you and have been thinking about you a lot lately! I hope you are doing well up there and are having lots of fun.

Before I get going on my rant for the day, I wanted to share something that a friend of mine wrote to me earlier today (she lives right by the cemetery where you are), my response to her and her response back.
------------
Friend: Hey,

Just wanted to let you know that Carter was visited by an antelope over the weekend…he hung out mostly in that area…meandered over to our yard and then back…God must have wanted to show him what an antelope was…

XOXO!


Me: =- ) Thank you for telling me that! I love that there is so much "going on" at that cemetery. There is always evidence of birds, and once my parents brought him a nerf football and apparently the antelope wanted to see what it tasted like! I love going out there and seeing all of the airplanes flying over...it's just a nice place for a little guy!

Thank you again for telling me. Things like that make my heart happy. =- )


Friend: Well it isn’t often there are antelope out there….I’ve only seen them one other time. My good friend Myrtle is buried there as well…seriously…not a day goes by when I don’t drive by and think about Carter…and now Myrtle. It is a pretty place…
---------

You are loved buddy. You are thought about by people other than me and that does make my heart not hurt quite as badly.

So there are things like that in life that make me smile and then there are things that make me wonder why in the world I feel so crazy sometimes.

Why can't I just be a normal mommy to my living child? Why can't I just be happy when she sleeps in later than usual in the mornings instead of wondering if she stopped breathing during the night? Why can't I be blissfully unaware when I go to the OB/GYN and just sit there with the other pregnant ladies around me and chit chat away about how perfect my pregnancy is and have absolutely no idea (at least not an obvious idea) that babies die? Why am I the mommy who goes in for a non-stress test on her baby and hold my breath for that split second when they put the monitor on my tummy and wonder/hope/pray/freak out because they haven't gotten the monitor in the right spot just yet?

Why?

I wish I were a normal/typical person and a normal/typical pregnant person. But I'm not. I'm not and I never will be.

But with that comes an amazing amount of love and outpouring of that same love. I have learned to show my love to those around me. I have learned to (hopefully) never take things for granted. The little things in life really aren't little. It's huge when your sister comes over to me when she's pretending and gives me a hug goodbye because she's "going to work". It's huge when she looks at me and tells me she loves me. And it's equally huge when she sits on my lap with her kitty-cat, Crater and is completely ignoring me and just tells him over and over again "I love you." I love feeling your little sister bee-bopping around inside of me. And I love the reassurance it gives me.

I guess that is my normal. My normal may be hypersensitive to and hyperaware of a lot of things, but that hypersensitivity isn't all bad. Because with it comes an increased awareness and enjoyment for the little things in life. And I wouldn't give that up for anything.

Dragging

Good morning Carter. I love you!

Well little guy, I had another non-stress test on your sister yesterday and I am happy to report that she is doing just as good as she should be. And I didn't even cry a single tear at yesterday's appointment. Sounds like I'm making strides right?!?! =- ) I get to go in for another one on the 19th and I am looking quite forward to it. Both times I have gone in, my doctor is as wonderful as he always is. I love that guy! He's doing everything he can to make the "home stretch" comfortable for me in every way possible.

Your sister is still a mover and a shaker and that makes me so very happy. And that big sister of yours, well she is just the sweetest thing ever. Even if she is two and with being two come all of the two year old trials. She is finding herself in the midst of it all and it is (mostly) fun to watch! Your daddy has been super busy with work stuff lately and although I can't blame him for my dragging...I am completely pooped out and feel over-worked. It doesn't help either that my love language is pretty much a dead tie between acts of service and quality time. So my "love tank" is feeling pretty empty lately too. We are headed camping this weekend and although I am looking forward to some time to relax while camping, I am worried about your kitty-cat, Crater. He's going to miss a full day of his medicine and I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the rear end.

So I am dragging in about every way possible lately. I am dragging physically with being pregnant, hot, tired and out of shape. I am dragging emotionally because of you sister trying limits and your daddy being so busy and not around much. I am dragging mentally I think mainly because I am just so physically tired I can't even begin to "think" clearly. And I think I am probably even dragging a little spiritually. Not for any particular reason. And I don't feel anything bad in my spiritual walk right now. I'm just tired and not feeling the fire burning under my feet.

I guess dragging isn't a bad thing though huh? At least I noticed it and can try to do what is possible to make the dragging not feel so "drag-ish".

I did go see you a couple days ago though and that always makes the hole in my heart feel a little smaller. I love visiting you and seeing the beautiful place where you are. I know I've said it before, but it really does seem like a place that a little boy would just love with all of the animals out there, the entire place looks just like one giant lawn, there are trees to climb and you have a nearly perfect view of the sky to watch the airplanes! I love your spot. I love it a lot!

Well baby boy, I guess I should get going. Even though I'm pooped, there are things I should probably be doing here at work. I will talk to you again soon. I love you!

Sick of it?

Happy Friday, Carter. I am so happy it's nearly the weekend. Happy that I'll have some time to hopefully decompress and just veg a bit. It's been a week filled with many, many emotions.

Speaking of emotions, I can't even remember where I was but earlier this week someone asked me if I was done with/sick of being pregnant yet. My thought was simply, no. No, I am not sick of this. Yes, I've been pregnant for a long time if you consider being prego with you too, but this time is so different. Yes, I am warm...but it's the summer time so it's supposed to be warm. Yes, I am struggling with all the weight I am gaining and the seemingly constant comments about how "big" I look. But, your little sister is growing just like she should and I am so very grateful for that. I on the other hand will just work my tail off once Abby is here safe and sound so I can feel good about myself again. Yes, I am having troubles sleeping because I can't get comfortable. But that's ok too.

I am truly trying my best to enjoy every day I have with Abby. I am grateful for each and every move I feel from her. I am grateful that she seems as healthy and as perfect as a baby at 31 weeks gestation can. I am grateful for so many things. I am so very grateful for your daddy who, despite my crankiness and irritability and so many unpleasant qualities, loves me. I am grateful for your big sister who each morning gives me the sweetest smiles and tells me she loves me.

I am hoping and praying that I will remain grateful like this until little Abby safely makes her appearance. I was looking online today and saw this verse that gives me great hope for what will (see I'm hoping and trying to be more positive) happen here in less than two months.

You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done. Psalm 92:4 NLT

I am waiting to once again be thrilled by God. I know I am loved by Him and I am truly grateful for God's love for me which is more than I could ever imagine, but I want to speak those words at the beginning of September with a smile across my face that goes from ear to ear.

I love you, Carter.

Different Room, Different Nurse, Positive Outcome

Well Carter, I made it. I made it through a non-stress test, successfully! Thank God!

I started to worry more last night when your daddy said he wasn't going to be able to make it to the appointment. So my anxiety level started to creep up from there. Just thinking about being alone again...whew...

But today, your little sister was kicking up a storm all morning and even into the afternoon before the appointment. That was a good feeling.

Then I had to actually get up, walk out to the car and drive myself to the appointment. That's when I started to act probably a little more quiet than usual.

I drove myself there just fine. I walked into the office just fine. And I know it sounds dumb, but I even chose a different chair than I sat in when we found out about you. Call me superstitious, but there was no way I was going to sit in the same place! So then they called my name and much to my surprise, it was a different nurse (relief...not that I don't like the other one...but seeing a different one probably helped!). And then we walked right past the room (another relief) to the other room where they do the NSTs. Then I saw my friend that works there and when she asked me how I was doing and how Abby was doing, that's when I started crying. The tears just filled my eyes. It wasn't a horrible cry. I wasn't in hysterics. But the emotions definitely got to me.

Then once we got into the room I cried some more as they got ready to put the monitors on my tummy. But once they had them on there, you could hear little Abby's heart just beating away. Praise God! The print-out looked great according to the nurse and the doctor. Abby is measuring right where she should. And we scheduled the induction for September 1st.

All in all, it was uneventful and that's a good thing. I was surrounded by people who were empathetic toward me and my situation which is reassuring. I felt truly cared about and for that I am grateful!

Stressed about a Non-Stress Test

Hey buddy. I love you and I've been thinking about you a lot lately. But that's no different than usual I guess.

My thoughts have been a little frazzled in the last couple of days though. And, I think I know why.

Tomorrow I start going in for my weekly non-stress tests on Abby.

It sounds simple enough. It sounds like something that should bring your mommy relief instead of stress but I'm having "flashbacks" (I guess that's the only thing I can really call them) to when we lost you.

See when I hadn't felt you move all night and finally called the doctor's office the next morning, they told me to come in to the office at 9am for a non-stress test just to be sure everything was okey dokey with you.


So in I went for the appointment with a knot in my stomach because I think my heart already knew you were gone but my head wouldn't believe it. Your daddy had no idea I was even at the doctor's office because I didn't want to worry him. And when it was time for the appointment they took me back into this nice little room with a super comfy recliner to sit in while they did the non-stress test on you. Then they started looking for your heartbeat. They looked high, and low with the fetal heart rate monitor. They looked left and right. While they did, I just sat in the chair choking back the tears because I knew me being in hysterics was not ideal for them to find your heartbeat. There were a couple of times when they thought they found your little heartbeat. But then they would try to count the beats while watching the second hand on a watch and holding my wrist feeling my pulse. They couldn't find your heartbeat...they tried and tried and tried and tried. So finally they went and got a doctor who could take me back for a quick ultrasound and I called your daddy and told him he needed to come to the office right away because I hadn't felt you move and that they were going to take me in for an ultrasound.

So there you have it. The thought of non-stress tests and the (potential, yet unlikely)outcome, and that dang chair totally FREAK me out. Thankfully when I joked with our doctor at our last appointment about me coming in for the NST as long as he would bring the brown paper bag for me to breath into, he just reassured me and told me we could do the typical, check baby's heart rate and measure, check-up prior to the NST to hopefully give me some comfort. And your daddy is planning on being there tomorrow (and hopefully for all of them) which is a really good thing.

I'm just stressed and I'm pretty sure that's a normal feeling considering what happened at the only NST I've ever had. But still, I feel like I'm on pins and needles and am really nervous about that dang test. So little boy, be there with me and your daddy tomorrow as we go in for this (seemingly routine) test. I need all the comfort I can get.

I love you Carter!

Goal Setting

Hi you! I love you!

I have a confession to make.

I am terrible, horrible, pitiful at setting goals. I always have been. I don't know why. I just am.

But, I have a goal now. :) I have always been a very active person. Some people would probably even call me crazy. I just LOVE to exercise. I love to compete in triathlons especially. There is a problem with that though. Because of my miscarriages, I am not allowed to exercise while pregnant. The only thing I am really allowed to do is walk, and to an exercise freak like me, that's boring! With all that being said, I still try to take a couple of quick walks during "break time" at work.

With not being allowed to exercise, which is my stress reliever, and probably not making the healthiest food choices while pregnant, I gain lots of weight with my pregnancies. And I think that being pregnant for basically 2 years straight is taking its toll on my body. So I'm frustrated, and I usually vent my frustrations by exercising but instead, I've been eating. (Yeah, not healthy I know!)

I have been looking very forward to getting the opportunity to excercise again once Abby is born. As far as I am concerned, that time can't come soon enough. You see Carter, I started exercising 2 days after I had you and only 5 days after your big sister. (Enter term "crazy" once again!)

But today I was talking to someone and a program I had heard of previously was brought into the conversation. It is called "Couch to 5k running plan"

So, here's where the goal setting comes in! Yeah, it probably doesn't seem like much of a goal since it is something similar to what I would probably be doing anyway. But, I think it will work really well for me because it will get me up to doing some moderate exercise again relatively quickly and it will also force me to use moderation.

I can't wait! I can't wait to take your big sister with me on my runs. She loves talking about how her daddy plays softball and it makes me sad that she doesn't associate anything active with her mommy. So, I printed the schedule off for the training and will hopefully stick with it so I can get out running with all of my crazy running buddies again! (Yes, I actually have quite a few friends that I get together with specifically to exercise. Enter once again term "crazy"! But at least I'm not the only crazy one! Crazy does love company.)

I wish I could take you out for runs. I wish I could teach you all about being physically active and show you what wonderful things it does for your mind. But instead, I'll just have to tell you about it by writing to you. I guess that's good enough for now. :(

I just want you to be proud of your mommy. I love you.

Some hope and excitement

Hi Carter! I love you!!!!!

Well, it's been a while again (seems as though that's how I begin every time I write to you...sorry!)

Life has been...well I guess just life lately.

In the midst of life being life though I did take a big step and bought your little sister a couple of special blankies and an outfit to come home in (fingers crossed, and saying lots of prayers still).

I think the blankie is just as cute as can be and that little dress...oh my goodness, the tights with the slippers on the feet sold me!

So, it seems as though I am finally either allowing myself, or maybe just am finally able to be somewhat excited about little Abby. It's a good thing, but scary as heck too.

All in terms of Abby seem to be going as well as they possibly could and that makes me really happy. They are starting weekly non-stress tests on us next week. I'm looking forward to the (hopefully) relief it brings.

With all of that good stuff happening you'd think I was just sailing along. But, I'm not. We found out last week (long story leading up to this point) that our cat, Crater, has a degenerative disease...basically kitty MS...that will eventually make him lame in his back legs, incontenent, and eventually we will have to choose to put him to sleep. He's such a good boy, Carter. He's wonderful with your big sister. He's super loving and just an all around great cat. So when I took him in to our local vet yesterday and had to talk to him about what we can/can't do and when we will have to make the choice to put him to sleep it really bummed me out.

Well buddy, I suppose I should get some things done. I hope you are having a good day. Happy 10 month heavenly birthday (2 days late...sorry!) I love you!