Dreams about you

Hello little one. Well, today is another day and I am happy to report that I did make it out to see you the other day. That made my heart and head happy.

I don't know what is up right now, but I've been dreaming about you a lot lately. I don't know if it is the holidays or what it is, but you are obviously on my mind. I wish I could say the dreams make me happy, but they don't. Let me explain. About a week ago I had a dream that you were here and one of our family members was holding you. But then when I wanted to hold you, you were gone. So I spent a lot of time after that (in my dream) looking for you but couldn't find you. Then last night I had a dream that you were here too. And I was able to hold you and kiss you and show you off to people. Here's the catch though, you were still dead. I was pushing a dead baby around in a stroller. I was showing you off to everyone, all of our friends and family. I got to a point in my dream where I asked my friend, Beth if she would help me on the next day to bring you to the funeral home because I didn't think I could do it alone.

I am trying not to over think it. But my heart is telling me that even if you were here, you would still be dead. And as much as I want to have you with me, it would not be a good thing if you were here considering your little body has been gone for 16 months now. I know it is creepy. I know I probably sound crazy. I don't know why I dream these things. But I do know that I always wake up missing you more when I have them.

And to top it off, when you daddy and I went to bed last night I told him that today is your 16 month birthday. Well, guess what...it's not. =- ( Yesterday was. I am sorry I missed it. I can't believe everything that has happened in the last 16 months. I can't believe how life has changed yet stayed the same. I've been blessed beyond measure. I am surrounded still by people that mention your name. I am surrounded by people who will still let me be sad and for that I am EXTREMELY grateful. I have people around me that will laugh with me too. I'm blessed. I also get to go home every day to two little girls that smile at me, depend on me and love me with all of their sweet little hearts.

World's Worst Mom

Hi Carter.

Well, let me start with the positives. We just celebrated Christmas and your big sister had a blast. Your little sister, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to it all. But what can you expect for a first Christmas right?!? We had a very nice time with your Nana and Bumpa. And we even had some unexpected visitors when you Grandpa, Grandma and Uncle showed up. It was fast and furious. It was crazy busy. It was a great couple of days.

Then it happened...last night I was putting our Christmas stuff away (early I know) and when I was putting your ornaments away I realized something...

I didn't go visit you on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. And it had taken me until around 4pm on the 26th to even realize it. =- ( I felt, and still feel, horrible. The worst part of it is, I still haven't gotten out there and it's 1:30 on the 27th. I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!

In reality there is no excuse for my forgetfulness. I feel horrible about it. I didn't forget about you, I promise! I thought about you a lot! I don't even know what to say other than I am super, duper sorry and I will do everything in my power to never let it happen again. I would like to make excuses by saying we were busy and that time just got away from me. And that is the truth, but I still forgot to visit you. =- (

I am going to hopefully leave work a few minutes early today so I can go see you before I pick your sisters up. I love you little one and I am so sorry!

Merry? Christmas

Hi little one.

Well, today is Christmas Eve Eve (aka December 23rd). I have been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple of days. That seems to be a dangerous thing for me lately! ;- )

I have a physical ache. My stomach is in knots. I don't feel horribly sad, at least that's not how I would describe it. I just have "that" feeling in my stomach today. Not a sad feeling per se...more of an empty and aching feeling. A feeling like something/someone is missing but shouldn't be. =- ( Does that make sense? I just miss you. I was thinking while I drove to work today. I realized something. I don't want to be in heaven with you. I like my life here on Earth. But, I want you here with me. And that's what hurts. I don't want you to be up there! I want to be grumbling at you and Hannah because you are not sharing your toys. I want to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I want to give you kiss upon kiss upon kiss. That's what hurts. I hate that I will (for the second year) go to the cemetery on Christmas morning just to spend a little time with you.

I am excited for your sisters to experience Christmas. Hannah is super excited and wants a kitchen more than she can tell you. And little Abigail, well...she's here and she's alive and well. For that I am grateful!

So, if I don't get a chance to write to you again before then...Merry Christmas in heaven, Carter. I love you and miss you with all of my heart!

One of those days again

Hey you. Well I wish it wasn't, but it is one of those days again. I'd like to say I don't know what triggered it, but I think I do. I'm almost embarrassed to say what though. I think I'm struggling today because I read your story again. =- ( Part of me doesn't understand how that could make me sad. But the other part of me can't shake the lump in my throat, the pain in my heart and the knot in my tummy.

When I read it, I couldn't help but go back to that day...those days. And when I read it, I felt it all over just like it felt then. How is that possible? How could it be that even though we are nearly 16 months post-loss and I can still remember those feelings and they just pop right back into me?

I feel somewhat guilty about it. I feel horrible about it. I should think of you and feel happy, but today I feel crushed. Today I feel sick and that's not something I like to admit. I want to always feel happy about you. You have taught me so much and you have changed me...every part of me.

So how can something so wonderful tear me up like it does?

It's because you aren't here. It's because I think about everything that happened. I think about everything that has happened since then and about the person I have become.

I think about the question...the "Would you change anything?" question. That is so very complicated. I can't answer that in any way that would be sufficient for my own heart. Because for me to answer that question, one would have to take into account a lot of things. You would need to consider changing the story of my life and the story of my kids. You see, if I hadn't miscarried in January of 2005, May of 2005 and January of 2007 I wouldn't have your big sister. And if I hadn't lost you, I wouldn't have your little sister. I don't want to think about not having your sisters. And as much as I have come to terms with my miscarriages, I don't know that I'll ever truly come to terms with losing you.

So, I just pray that no one ever asks me that dreaded question. And if it does come up. My heart tells me to leave it unanswered since there is no answer good enough. All I know is, my six pregnancies - including 3 miscarriages, one stillbirth and two living, breathing, beautiful daughters is what makes Sara, Sara. Even with as ugly as that may be and with as many horrible, painful tears I have cried...it is me. That is Sara. =- ( I wouldn't have chosen that story for myself and I am grateful that I didn't see any of it coming. I guess God really has watched out for me through it all. And even though I can't see straight sometimes, God is there and He is walking beside me every second of every day.

She's 3!

Well, I can't believe I'm saying this but your big sister, Hannah Lynn, is 3 years old now! Her birthday was on the 13th but we've been celebrating off and on since the 3rd. It's hard for me to believe but it's true. When I think back to the day she was born it seems surreal. She was a long awaited little baby and when she got here, your daddy and I were over the moon! She brings so much fun into our lives. She is funny. She is loving. She is sweet. She is smart. She is everything I could ever want in a kiddo and more!

She still talks about you and knows that you are with Jesus. I love that!

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter that loves me like she does.

Why?

Ugh.

To say that I'm sad is an understatement. To say that I'm mad would be too.

Today I found out that one of my very best friends, Rhonda, has cancer (again) and is going to die.

I met her when your daddy and I moved to Wyoming (seven years ago). We worked together at a bank. She was a friend at first, but now is more of a big sister to me. In 2007 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and fought like crazy to beat it. The day your big sister was born she was still receiving treatments. She was cancer free for a while but struggled immensely with other health issues as a result of the chemo.

The day you were born, she was there to hold you. And after everyone else left the hospital that night around 3am...she stayed. She's the one that stayed until after we gave you away. She stayed to be sure we were ok.

Just this July she turned 40. Just 40! Then today, she wrote this:

ok...so I was going to wait until the new year to spill the beans, but Elizabeth Edwards death hit me hard and made me realize we don't know how much time we have on this earth. So here goes...my breast cancer has metastasized to my lung(s). I am fine and feeling fine. My family is hurting and taking it pretty hard.... Please keep them in your prayers. Thanks for all your love and support!!

OH MY GOD!

I called her as soon as I read it. We talked and talked. She told me that the cancer isn't curable. She told me that she's not going to go through treatment because it would not matter in the long run and that she wanted to have QUALITY over quantity of life. I know people will judge her for her decision not to go through treatment and they will say she's selfish. But isn't it more selfish for us to want her to be horribly sick and struggle through chemo and whatever else again? She has told her doctor that she doesn't want a time-line because she doesn't want it hanging over her head.

Bottom-line, she's going to die and she just wants to make the most of the time she has left. She is so brave. She told me that she knows where she is going when she dies and that she's ok with it. She has a greater faith than I could ever imagine having.

I feel so sad for her family. I feel so sad for me. I know it's not about me. I know she just needs love from me and the rest of your family. And love her I will! But, right now I'm mad. I'm mad that God would let this happen. I'm mad that my friend is going to die and I'm mad that I'll never get to call her up to just chit-chat or have lunch again. I'm heartbroken that your sisters won't grow up knowing her. I'M MAD! Mad is the nice way of putting it actually. I'm freakin' pissed. I'm pissed that a person who has always been there for me will not be anymore. I know...God is there for me...blah blah blah...that seems like a cliche thing to say. I know God is there but COME ON!

I will come to terms with this and I'm sure Rhonda will help with that. But for right now I'm mad and being mad brings all sorts of yucky emotions up from my gut. ARGH!

Missing you

Hey you. Well let me first say how sorry I am that it has taken me so long to write to you again. I've missed you like crazy and life has been nuts. Life with two kiddos in the house is much different than it was before your little sister was born. Those two little girls definitely keep me busy and make me smile each and every day.

Just the other day I had a rough time though. I don't know what it was but I missed you so much that it hurt. I had that yucky lump in my throat and my chest just felt tight. I cried and I haven't done that in quite some time. I decided since I was missing you so much that I would go visit you. It was nice to go out there, but then I was even more sad when I drove up and saw that your headstone was covered in snow. I felt bad that I hadn't been there to clean it off before then. It is clean for now though. On my way to work after I left from seeing you, I saw many flocks of geese. Seeing them always makes me happy and I always think of you. I know you are up there looking down on your family and I like to think that you send those geese right when you know I'll need them.

I was looking online today and saw the most amazing thing. A woman named Elizabeth Edwards died just the other day and oddly enough, she lost a son a while back too and now she lost her battle with cancer. The thing that struck me though is what she said about her life. I like to think that hopefully your sisters will say something similar about me when I'm gone. She said:

"I do know that when they are older, and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way - and it surely has not - she adjusted her sails."

She also said, "If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and... that's a great, great gift."

I will always remember you. I will always encourage others to remember you too. It's hard though because the farther away from your birth/death we get, the less people talk about you. I will always say I have three children. I will never deny you no matter how it makes other people feel. You matter. You always have and you always will.

I think things are probably harder right now with the holidays coming up and I acknowledge that. I wonder if I will ever be able to make it through these months without crying. I wonder if I will ever be able to sing all of Silent Night again. Singing "Sleep in Heavenly Peace" absolutely kills me. Even just hearing that on the radio is difficult.

So, here I am...on the 8th of December 2010...a mommy to you and your sisters here on Earth and I still feel somewhat lost. I guess that sail adjustment needs to be a constant thing. I'm working on it! ;- ) I love you!

Emergency Room

Hey buddy. Well, to say it's been an eventful day around here is an understatement! I took your big sister to the doctor this morning because she was running a fever and acting sick. So they gave us a prescription and sent us on our way. Now tonight she has a fever of 104* and is having trouble breathing! Now your daddy and she are in the emergency room. Your daddy said they told him that her tonsils are huge so they were going to give her some steroids and motrin. Your daddy just messaged me and said she threw her medicine up. :-( I wish I could be ther with her, but I have to be home with your baby sister. Your daddy just called me and said they put some anti-nausea meds under her tongue to hopefully make it so she can take some more medicine in a little while. It broke my heart to hear your big sister say, "Mommy, I puke" and then say "I want to go home". Hopefully they can get her fever down a little bit. It looks like there won't be much sleep in our house tonight. And now I'm super worried that your little sister could end up with this too. :-( Only time will tell I guess.

A Tune-Up

Hey little one. Well, now I guess I should give you an update on what’s been happening in the day-to-day lives of your family huh? Your daddy went back to work this week. Your big sister continues to go to “school” every day and your daddy and I surprised her with an early birthday present (her birthday isn’t until December 13th). She loves playing “tent” and LOVES anything “princess”. So it seemed logical for us to build her a princess tent bed! My goodness was she happy. She still is actually. Every evening she asks us if we want to go play in her bed with her. =- )
I’d say it was a gold medal decision for a present! Your little sister continues to grow and change like she should. At least it seems like she’s doing what she should. I’m somewhat paranoid if she doesn’t do things just like the developmental charts say she should, but she seems to be pretty close on everything.
Your sisters continue to be the lights of my life!

Hmmmm…now for an update on your mommy. Well, I went back to see my counselor this week. I was in need of a tune-up. I was having some struggles and knew that my wonderful counselor could help me work them out. Basically, I was having trouble with my relationship with God. I have still been struggling with my prayer life. I just don’t know the words to pray. But she assured me that even when I can’t find the words, God still understands and even though I don’t feel like I’m praying…I am.

WHEW! Major relief! So, the other good news is she is letting me go 3 weeks before coming back. And it will be good timing because I’ll go see her right when I go back to work. I’m sure I’ll have all sorts of emotions that week!

So, that’s what’s been up with us lately. I wish I could ask you what’s been going on in your world too. Someday...but until then take good care of yourself and remember I love and miss you more than you could ever know!

It is set!

Hey buddy! I am super excited. The headstone that Carter’s Cause helped pay for is set! We made it just in time. The ground hadn’t frozen yet and the people at the cemetery were able to set it on Monday! Here is a picture of it.
And here is a picture of yours with the other two (one on each side - Christalina and Tex) that were recently set. It is because of you, and these two little ones that Carter's Cause came to existence.

It makes me so happy. I was able to give an update at church on Sunday about Carter’s Cause and you should have seen the smiles on everyone’s faces when I told them what had happened. You are an amazing little boy, Carter Alan. I couldn’t be more proud of you and what you continue to do even from up there!

So now we just wait for the inevitable…because there will be other babies buried out there by you and when that time comes, we’ll hopefully get to help their families by buying headstones as well!

I love you!

5K – Complete!

Well Carter, I did it! I completed my Couch to 5K training program. And last Saturday I ran my 5K. I was lucky enough to have a friend run it with me. And thankfully that friend is pregnant…so she was under orders from the doctor to take it easy…otherwise she would have run me into the ground!
I didn’t run fast. I did run it all though. And I tried my best to just stay positive while I ran it. It was hard for me though to not get frustrated though since I LOVE running 5Ks and I felt like I was in horrible shape for it. I just need to remind myself that I am not even 3 months post-partum and that I’ll get there. I’ll be able to run as fast as I had been 2 years ago before I got pregnant with you…someday. And I’ll lose the remaining 23 lbs I have to lose…someday.

One of my friends made me happy the other day when I was talking to her. I was telling her about how I was frustrated about my weight and her response to me was, “It took you 9 months to gain it!” So that was a nice thought…I don’t have to lose it all now. I will work hard and continue exercising because that is what I love to do and eventually, the weight will come off again. (Maybe laying off the sweets would help too though huh?!? =- ) )

You Did It!

Great news, Carter! I know I told you before, but we raised enough money at church for a headstone! Before I tell you all about what has happened with it, here are a couple of pictures of what we put in the bulletin at church explaining "Carter's Cause".

So, I called the funeral home to ask about paying for a headstone. The good news started when they told me that one of the babies next to you was going to get his headstone because his mommy and daddy were able to pay for it. Then the lady from the funeral home called me back after looking into the situation for the little girl on the other side of you. Her name is Christilina and she was born still on July 3, 2009. Her mommy and daddy ordered her headstone last summer and put some money down on it. But, they have not been able to finish paying for it. The balance owed was just over $600 and I was SUPER excited to tell the funeral home lady that our church wanted to pay the entire amount!
Today, your sisters and I went to the funeral home with a check in hand. And the story just gets better! I asked for clarification on the story behind the headstone. When I asked if the stone still needed to be ordered her response was, no...it was there and it would be set in the next few days! What wonderful news! Not only did we raise enough money because of you, but because of you, the family gets instant closure! You are quite the kiddo! I'm so proud of you! I am also looking very forward to telling our church congregation the great news this weekend!
And to top it off, there is still money left over so we will get to help another family in the future too!
I love you Carter. Thank you for being the best little boy a mommy could ever ask for.

Best Possible Outcome

Hey Carter. Well, our appointment with your little sister last week was absolutely as good as it could have been. It even started out well. We got in early and the doctor and medical resident that we saw were WONDERFUL! They were friendly and reassuring. It was nice.

The diagnosis for little Abby is a Congenital Melanocytic Nevus. Here's the explanation of it according to Wikipedia:

The congenital melanocytic nevus is a type of melanocytic nevus (or mole) found in infants at birth. Occurring in about 1% of infants in the United States, it is located in the area of the head and neck 15% of the time.

The appearance of the congenital melanocytic nevus is similar to those of acquired ones, but are usually larger in diameter and may have excess hair, called hypertrichosis. If large with hypertrichosis, it is called giant hairy nevus.

Microscopically, the congenital melanocytic nevus appears similar to acquired nevi with two notable exceptions. For the congenital nevus, the neval cells are found deeper into the dermis. Also, the deeper neval cells are found along with neurovascular bundles with both surrounding hair follicles, sebaceous glands, and subcutaneous fat.

Many are surgically removed for aesthetics, but larger ones are excised for prevention of cancer. 5 - 15% transform into melanoma.

The lesions are often flat at birth, brown to black in color. They often grow proportionally to the body size as the child matures. As they mature, they often develop thickness, and becomes elevated. Prominent terminal hairs often form, especially after puberty. With maturity, the nevus can have variation in color, and the surface might be textured with growths.

The benign congenital nevi often have characteristics resembling melanomas, often breaking most if not all of the ABCD rules. Dermatoscopic findings of benign congenital nevi are usually benign in nature.

So, it's just a birthmark! We will go back to Denver Children's Hospital once a year to have it looked at. But other than that, we just get to live our lives with a wonderful, happy, healthy baby. As long as it doesn't start growing disproportionately large and she continues hitting her developmental milestones, we just life life!

We are extremely grateful. We couldn't have asked for a better diagnosis. =- )

What will tomorrow bring?

Well, we were lucky enough to get an appointment with the pediatric dermatologist tomorrow morning at 8:30 in Denver. They are waiting to authorize an MRI until we’ve had a consultation with a doctor. I am very grateful. At the same time, I am freaked out. What will happen? What will they tell us? Is your little sister going to be ok? There are so many things running through my mind right now…it’s no wonder I can’t sleep. I’m hoping we will have an uneventful trip down there and that things will be laid out as simply as they can be and that little Abigail will be just fine. I am also realistic (or maybe it’s pessimistic) enough to know that may or may not be the case.

I’m hoping that this isn’t the last picture I took of your little sister before we knew she had major issues.
I can’t even pray. I just can’t. I am grateful for all of the prayers offered on our behalf, but I just can’t pray right now. All of the “what ifs” are running through my mind and I can’t fathom something being wrong with her. What would I do? I know that God loves her and loves me, but come on…I just want to get a break. I just want things to be normal…I mean really “normal” for once. So for now, I’ll just ride along on the prayers of others. I believe that God understands where I am right now. I believe that regardless of my inability to put together any semblance of a prayer, He is still carrying me through this difficult time. At least, that’s what I hope. I do pray/hope that your little sister will be fine. But what if she’s not?

Where will I go from here? What will I do? What will tomorrow bring? Will it bring any answers or will they need to run tests? I just can’t process all of it right now. I am hoping for answers but I also know that just looking at her little head may not be enough. I know that there will be a lot of people praying for us while we are down there and that’s exactly what we need. Like I said, I’m relying on the prayers of others to carry me through this.

I feel like there are a million things running through my head right now but for some reason I am not really able to put them into logical thoughts that can be written out. I’m sure that’s from the stress of it all and from being exhausted. It doesn’t help either that we are leaving for the appointment in just seven short hours and I still haven’t gotten to sleep.

We are really lucky to have such wonderful friends. Some of those friends volunteered to have your big sister stay with them tonight so she wouldn’t have to get up super early in the morning. So, I was over at their house for a while tonight just hanging out and then she didn’t want to go to sleep so I had to spend more time than I had anticipated trying to get her to sleep so she wouldn’t be scared. The work of a mommy is never done, that’s for sure! I just hope she sleeps ok and that she doesn’t wake up scared during the night or in the morning.

Well, I suppose…I’m definitely not getting to sleep any faster by just sitting her typing. I will talk to you again soon, Carter. I love you. Sweet dreams.

Abby’s Handprint From God

Hey little guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and hope you are doing well up there. Everything is going pretty well down here. Your big sister is doing well at “school” and is still LOVING your little sister. It makes my heart very happy to see them together.

Just the other day your little sister was crying so your big sister decided she needed to be a big helper and picked her up and carried her to me. I freaked out! =- ) She was very proud of herself! Looking back, it was pretty sweet and now she thinks she needs to “help” even more. This morning she even helped your daddy load her into her car seat.

Speaking of today, your little sister had a doctor’s appointment this morning. You see, little Abby was born with a spot on her head…well I guess it isn’t just a spot. It’s a birthmark. Your Nana said once that she believes that is where God had his hand on her head throughout my entire pregnancy. It’s a nice thought and I think she is right. So this morning your daddy and I took her to the dermatologist to have it looked at just as a precaution. Another reason we wanted to take her in is because when your big sister went to the neurologist for her seizures one of the first things they asked us was what kinds of birthmarks and/or moles she had. I guess when babies are just forming the tissue that forms the skin is the same tissue that forms the brain. And some times if there are abnormalities in the skin, such as birthmarks or moles, they can be indications of abnormalities in the brain.

So, to the doctor we went. And we weren’t at the doctor very long before we were told they would like little Abby to see a pediatric dermatologist and have an MRI at Denver Children’s Hospital just as a precaution. The doctor didn’t like that the birthmark is on her head. She also didn’t like that it is so large and finally she didn’t like the color(s) of it.

Now we are waiting to hear back on the authorization from insurance before we can even schedule the appointment. (Stupid insurance!) I’m trying not to worry. I’m trying not to think the worst of what could be wrong with her. Even the doctor got tears in her eyes today when we were talking about losing you and now having this happen to Abby. So, I guess there is nothing I can do other than pray that everything is ok with Abby and that God keeps His hand on her little head.

Too much time

Hi buddy. I am sorry it has been so long since I have written to you. The only real excuse I have is life with a new baby. A bad excuse, I know. But I've been so tired lately and your little sister doesn't really like being put down for extended periods of time. =- )

A lot has happened since I last wrote to you though. I am a parent coordinator for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, so when a baby dies, I am the one that gets the call to set up a photographer. It's an honor to be that person, but it's stinkin' hard sometimes too. I got a really tough call on October 2nd. A little boy who was 31 days old was brought to our hospital and they were unable to save his life. So, they were looking for a photographer to take some final pictures of the little guy. The reason it was so hard is because your little sister was born just one day after that little guy. Needless to say, I hugged both of your sisters a little tighter that day and try my best to hug and love on them extra even now.

A really good thing has happened since I wrote too. I mentioned a while back that our church was going to be doing something special because of you and that special project has been a success and hopefully will continue to grow.

Our project is called "Carter's Cause" and the point of it is to raise money to purchase headstones for the little babies buried by you that don't have one. I am SO proud to say that we have raised enough money to purchase one headstone! Now I just need to contact the funeral home so they can let the family know. Our church was so generous and they really stepped forward when we asked them to donate in your name. You continue to amaze me with all of your little ways of changing the world. It's still hard for me to believe you've been gone for 13 months now, but it's comforting to know that your memory lives on and will always. You are a little guy with quite a reputation! Good work! I love you, Carter!

Well, that is a quick update on what's been happening with us lately. I hope you are doing well up there. I miss you so very much and love you more than you will ever know.

Your things

Hey Carter! Well, we are adjusting well to having two living kiddos at home. As well as a family possibly can I guess! ;- ) It is nice to have your daddy home with us. I think that is the reason I have not gone crazy yet.

Your little sister wore a very special outfit today. I kept a few of your clothes and she wore one of the outfits today. It made me very happy to put her in it. She looked so cute. It was bittersweet though.I can't tell you how many times I have thought about how life is now and the complexities of the "perfect-ness" of it. Having Abby and Hannah seems so perfect. But no matter how I look at it, I don't know that I could ever say I wouldn't change it. That is far to complicated to even begin to think about. It's complicated because if we hadn't miscarried during our first three pregnancies, we wouldn't have Hannah and if you hadn't died, we wouldn't have Abby. When I married your daddy 8 years ago I couldn't have imagined my life and the things that have happened in it. But, the things that have happened have made me the person I am today. And for that, I am grateful.

Yesterday, Abby and I went to visit you again. It is such a nice place and I love to take your sisters out there. As complicated as it will be to explain you to them as they grow up, I will always include you in their lives and in my "kid count".

I have been feeling pretty good lately. I am nearing the end of my third week of working out and it feels really good to be active again. I think without exercising, those dreaded baby blues would creep in. For the most part, I don't think I am having much, if any, post-partum depression. There are times when I still struggle with things, especially when I hear about other people losing their babies or about little ones that are sick. But, I think that is to be expected. I think when you lose a child, hearing about others who are facing the same thing affects you differently than it does if you haven't suffered a loss.

I am extremely grateful for the life I am living. I am grateful for each and every day with "my girls". I miss you like crazy and I hope you are having fun up there. Please take care of the new little ones that are joining you. I know of at least two mommies that have lost their babies just this week. Those first moments, days and weeks are such a struggle but to know that our babies are safe in the arms of Jesus is at least a little bit of a comfort.

I love you Carter. I should probably get ready for bed. Abby is sleeping for now, but that probably won't last so I should get ready while I can! I love you, I love you, I love you!

She's here, she's healthy and she's beautiful!

Hey big brother! You are officially a middle child now. (Sorry about that! lol)

Little Abigail Faith made it here safely on September 1st at 12:41 pm. She came flying out! Everything went well during the labor all except for right toward the end when her heart was decelerating with the contractions. Her little heartrate dropped to 60 bpm time after time but thankfully it would recover when the contractions would end. Then when it was time to push, she came in one contraction...only three pushes.

I couldn't believe she was finally here. I just looked at her and my only thought for a while was, oh my gosh, she's not dead...what do I do with her? I'm sure that sounds horrible, but it was all I could think.

Now, she's two weeks old and she's absolutely perfect. She is a good eater. She is a pretty good sleeper. And she is easy to console (she's a major fan of being swaddled!)
She looks a lot more like you and me than your sister and daddy. That seems to be both a blessing and a sad reminder at times. I am grateful that I will always have a glimpse into what you would have probably looked like growing up, but I'm sad in ways too. It's such a mixed bag.

Your big sister is Abby's BIGGEST fan! I took Hannah to "school" today and had Abby along with for the first time. Hannah LOVED showing her little sister off to all of her friends and teachers. She kept asking all of her friends if they wanted to touch Abby. It was cute. She's very proud of her little sister. It's odd though, there is probably at least once a day that Hannah calls her Carter. She loves you too, little boy.
We took Abby out to the cemetery last week to meet you. It was a nice visit. Please know that your sisters will grow up knowing everything they possibly could about their brother. You are and will always be a wonderful blessing.

Well little one, I suppose I should get going. Your little sister is sleeping currently but that could change quite quickly! Take care and I'll talk to you again soon! Congratulations on being a big brother! I love you!

Your Day

Good morning, Carter! Well, yesterday was your special day. It was your first heavenly birthday and I can’t think of anything I would have changed about it.

We spent the first part of the weekend getting things ready and cakes baked for your party. So there wasn’t much time to just sit around and feel sad. That’s probably a good thing. Saturday evening I did get a little sad though when I sat there and thought about the timing of the day and about what was happening a year ago at that time.
Your daddy woke up on your birthday pretty sad and that made me really sad for him. So, before church we went to visit you. I think that helped him. Church was good too and after we left there he seemed much better.

Your birthday party was a nice time. We had lots of people come and I was happy when someone pointed out to me that I had done a really good job of making it a “happy” thing. That is exactly what I wanted. Everyone knew why they were there and why we were celebrating, I didn’t want to make it a downer of a party.

I loved your balloon release. It was my FAVORITE part! We gave balloons to everyone there and let them know they could write on their balloon if they wished. Then we let them go. It was great. It was very special and I’m glad we did it. I’m not sure what most people did after we let them go, but I just sat there on the ground watching all of the balloons floating to the north and out of sight. After I couldn’t see them anymore, I noticed people standing around talking again and it was perfect. We honored you and that was everything I wanted. I am grateful.


I can’t believe you are a year old now. It doesn’t seem possible. But you can rest assured that I will always celebrate you on your birthdays and that I will keep your memory alive the best I can!
I love you!

No amount of preparation could be enough

Hey you. Well, it’s amazing how life can go from simply floating along to class five rapids in a boat without air and no life jacket on.

Don’t get me wrong, things are still going along smoothly with the things I last wrote to you about. Your birthday party is planned for and ready to be celebrated. Your sister’s arrival is still scheduled and we are ready for it.

BUT……………

Then life happens…things happen that you don’t expect and that you can’t fathom. It all started on Sunday when two of your dogs got into a fight. That doesn’t sound terribly complicated except for the fact that this is the second fight in less than two months and both have required veterinary care for one of the dogs involved. To add to the complication of it all, your Buddy dog would not stop fighting your Sequoia dog even after I had broken a rake over his back and continued hitting him with the handle of it. And after the fight was done, he growled and snarled at me.

It worries me, because he’s getting more and more aggressive not only toward other dogs but he squared off with me too. =- ( I can’t imagine what would happen if even by chance one of your sisters got in the middle of a dog fight. I didn’t know what to do so your daddy and I talked to our vet when we picked Sequoia up yesterday and his words to us were basically, you have a dangerous dog and he needs to be put down.

I am such an animal lover, Carter. I didn’t think I would ever be faced with having to put an animal down due to aggression. It is breaking my heart. I don’t want people to think I am choosing to do this. If I thought there was any other way, I would choose that path instead. But with Buddy’s hip dysplasia, the amount of pain and pain medication that go along with it, and his increasing aggression I could not in good conscience give him to anyone.
It’s so hard. I feel horrible. I feel guilty. I feel like I’ve failed as Buddy’s owner.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that we are on the verge of your birthday and Abby’s arrival. Add hormones to the mix, and it’s a wonder I’m still functioning and am not a soggy heap of tears on the floor.

It’s not fair. I don’t want him to die. I don’t want to think about our house without him. And to think about your kitty-cat, Crater, getting worse and worse and the impending decision we will have to make on putting him down, it’s tough. It’s so tough. I will be without 3 of my boys – you, Buddy and Crater - in such a short amount of time.

Why does crap like this happen?

I did get some great news today though too!!! I am officially going to be the auntie to a little boy. Your uncle (my brother) and aunt found out just today that they are having a little boy. I’m super excited for them!

I cried though when I listened to a song that your uncle played on their way home from the doctor’s appointment. I had never heard “Anything Like Me” by Brad Paisley before. And when I listened to the words about all of the “boy stuff” it made me cry. I will never have that. All of those dreams…all of those fun boy things like football and girlfriends will never be a part of my life’s story. It sucks. I am excited that I will get to live out those fun moments through your cousin, but I wish I could live them out with you AND your cousin together. =- ( I bet you two would be a lot alike.

This isn’t the way it should be. I shouldn’t be sitting her at my computer crying about more of the “nevers“ of your life. I shouldn’t have to tell your sisters and cousins about you and your life. You should be living your life alongside them.

THIS SUCKS!

Well Carter, I suppose I should get going. There’s not much I can do about today but take some deep breaths and know that tomorrow is another day. Even if it is a day I don’t want to think about because of your Buddy dog being put down…it’s still another day. =- ( And the sun will probably shine. I love you little one.

Preparation

Hi little one. I miss you so! Are you having lots of fun with your friends up there? Are you getting excited for your birthday next weekend? I bet you are. You are after all my son, and I get REALLY excited for my birthday! I would expect nothing less from you!

Next week is going to be a week of major preparations. I think it will probably fly by as a result. The funny thing about all of those preparations is that last weekend at church, Preparation was the title of the sermon. It was a really good one for me to hear and it helped me get my head on a little straighter which is always a good thing.

There were seven points that our pastor made about preparation and I’m probably going to really screw them up and oversimplify them but here goes nothin’!

When we prepare for anything in life, whether it’s something in our spiritual walk or our day-to-day lives we need to prepare to be:

Amazed
Challenged
Empowered (by God)
Stretched
Enriched (Shown how to have more gratitude)
Mystified (We will learn not so much about the answers to our “whys” but rather on the “what’s next” and that we need to look for guidance as we go.)
Adventure

So there you have it! That sounds a LOT like my life has been over the past year. Every single one of those things I have felt at some point in time or simultaneously with others. And hearing that sermon as we prepare for your birthday and the birth of your little sister was perfect timing.

This week I have been concentrating on preparing for a few things. I have made plans to have a pedicure and a massage next week so I can get some “me” time in before your sister arrives. I have also been working with a friend from church on our mission in your name. I am really excited about it and we are going to present it to the congregation on your birthday. I’ll be sure to tell you all about how it goes and what’s behind all of it! I’ve packed pretty much everything for our hospital trip and prepared your little sister’s nursery this week too. I’m planning on installing car seats this weekend. Everything is falling into place and I can’t believe she’ll actually be here in less than two weeks.

Next week, besides the “me” things I have planned I will be getting everything ready for your birthday party. It’s going to be a lot of fun and I am looking very forward to celebrating you. That reminds me, I need to call about getting enough balloons for your balloon release!

Well Carter, I suppose I should get some more things done at work in preparation for my coming departure. ;- ) I was pretty excited earlier this week when I actually got through all of my work files so I could update my co-workers on the projects. That may sound simple, but that was the last thing I did at work before we found out we had lost you, so getting the nerve to take that step was HUGE for your mommy. And then when I got up the next morning and your sister was moving around like crazy in there, it was a big relief.

All in all I’m in a pretty good place again. I told a friend of mine just the other day that I think I'm living in a world where I've completely sheltered myself from a lot of the reality of it all, but that's ok by me! I’m not able to really feel excited about your sister coming, but I’m not freaked out by it either and I’m very grateful for that. So, day-by-day I’ll get through these next couple of weeks of not just big, but HUGE events – your birthday and Abby’s arrival. With lots of prayers, deep breaths, love and patience, I’ll make it!

I love you, Carter. Talk to you again soon!

2 More Appointments

Good morning, little one. I sure do love you and hope you are having lots of fun up there with all of your friends. I’m sure you have a blast with all of them. I wonder though, does God ever have to put any of you in time out? I would doubt it considering heaven is perfect but it sure would be funny to see you little ones sitting on a cloud over in the corner somewhere! Lol!

I have still been doing pretty well this week. There have been some downs, like thinking about some of your friends’ mommies who are struggling with different events that are coming up. One of them is preparing for the date her baby was supposed to be born, one just miscarried for the second time after losing her little one and is having a D&C today, and so many others are still walking down the same road I am right now and are expecting their rainbow babies. There is so much happening in the world around me that requires prayers and I’m doing my best to pray like crazy for them.

I have some more good…well not good…it’s great news! We had our NST and ultrasound yesterday and your little sister looks perfect. She’s growing just like she should. She’s still moving around like a crazy girl and while the doctor did the ultrasound he pointed out that she was breathing in there. She’s practicing to come out into this world. How awesome. You could see her heart beating and her chest rising and falling as she breathed. What a blessing. Oh yeah, and she's already measuring at 5lbs. 10 ozs. She's definitely going to be a healthy sized baby! (My prediction is 7lbs. 3 ozs. at delivery)

Then, when we were leaving the doctor’s office I had to make my appointment for next week and it turns out that next week and the following week are my last two appointments. WOW. We’ve almost made it. I’m still trying not thinking about it too much BUT I did pack my hospital bag last night and got everything ready for me and your little sister. The only major things that are left to be done are shopping for your little sister’s baby book, buying your big sister a present or two and your daddy needs to pack his things.

Oh yeah, and last weekend we had some pictures taken of your big sister and of our family. When I first got pregnant with your little sister I scheduled this appointment because I knew that no matter what happened, I wanted to be sure I had pictures of our family (minus you of course) while I was still pregnant. You see, I don’t really have many pictures of myself pregnant with you because I was self conscious and I hate to admit I was just sick of being pregnant. So, this time around I am doing my best not to take anything for granted. I am SOOOOOOO grateful for the pictures she posted on her blog and can’t wait to see the rest of them. She’s such a talented photographer and it turns out she’s pretty awesome at volleyball too (that’s how we originally met – on a volleyball team. It was SO fun!)

Well Carter, I suppose I should get going. I think about you all the time and there are some things cooking between me and a friend at church that will/should be totally awesome and are all because of you. I’ll do my best to keep you in the loop when official plans have been made. It’s going to be awesome though, I can tell you that much! I love you little boy. Take care and stay out of time out will ya? ;-)

Cared about and watched out for

Hey there little boy. =- ) I hope you are doing well up there. Life down here has been okey dokey lately. Well, for the most part anyway! Your little sister is definitely doing her part to keep me sane…she is moving like crazy so I can rest assured that she is doing well in there. We get to go in tomorrow again for our weekly NST and they will take another look at your sister via ultrasound as well to check on her growth.

I’m looking quite forward to this week being over with though (too bad it’s only Tuesday). This is my 35th week so the faster we can get past 35 ½ the happier I’ll be! And I am looking very forward to this weekend because I have some very fun things planned for your daddy and me. The best part of it is that he knows we are going to be doing things but everything will be a surprise. He’ll only know what we are doing as we go to do all of it. FUN!

Like I said earlier, I am feeling okey dokey lately. I have been pretty overwhelmed by the love people continue to show me on a daily basis. I have been told and told and told how many people are saying prayers for our family. And yesterday I had a casual conversation with a guy at work and later in the afternoon he made a specific point to come to my office and show me pictures of his “rainbow” granddaughter. He looked me right in the eye and said that I needed to remember that good things like her happen every day! What a wonderful reminder. Then I had to get some groceries before picking your big sister up and I saw a friend of mine who had a stillborn daughter 19 years ago. I told her that I had contemplated calling her last week because I had been struggling so much and told her what had been going through my mind. And do you know what she did? She just nodded her head and told me that I was feeling things that were/are completely normal. What a relief! Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world that feels the way that I do. That is not only a lonely place to be, it’s also pretty easy to feel crazy.

So all in all, life is going along just as it should I guess. I’m still living in each day and sometimes in each moment and that’s ok by me! I was asked again today how many days I have left of being pregnant and it made me really happy to say I don’t know! All I know is that she’ll be here on September 1st at the latest…the time between then and now doesn’t really need to be worried about. **Aaaahhhhhh that felt really good to write!**

Thank you for teaching me so much about life and about myself, Carter. You are such a blessing to me! I love you!

Good News and Middle Name

Best news of the day. Abby is alive and well in there! We had another NST today and your daddy was finally able to come listen to the "music" of her little heart beating. We just sat in there together and for the most part listened to her but we also talked a little bit about life in general. We haven't had much time lately to just sit and talk so it was nice to be able to do that today. While we sat there I told him that I thought we needed to rethink your little sister's middle name (Faith). He looked at me funny (much like he looks at me a lot of the time!).

I told him that because of my inner battle with the subject of faith, and not knowing if my faith was simply inadequate or if it is an issue with the people that had spoken to me about faith throughout this journey I thought maybe we needed to consider a new middle name for Miss Abby. He said that he thinks it's a perfect name for her. He continued by saying that he believes that we have shown faith throughout our journey to have kiddos. And then he said that there are a lot of people out there that just don't ever try again because of one reason or another and that our perseverance has been a testament to our faith in God. So, I guess I lost the battle. ;) But your daddy did make a pretty good argument and I'll have to work through my own "stuff" surrounding the name over time!

Now let's recap the good news from today. (There are plenty of things that I'm still extremely nervous about but we'll focus on the good for today!)

#1 Abby's alive!
#2 Abby is "behaving" just like she should on her NSTs. She's having accelerations in her heart rate which is a really good thing and she's not having any decelerations which is even better!
#3 We got to see your little sister on the ultrasound today, she is head down and according to the doctor she should stay that way until delivery.
#4 Abby is measuring right where she should (or even a little ahead of schedule).
#5 Although the ultrasound pictures aren't the greatest, we got to "see" her little face today. And my goodness your little sister is going to have some kissable cheeks!

#6 The amniotic fluid levels around Abby are right where they should be.
#7 Abby has once again been confirmed to be a girl. (That's a really good thing considering all we have are girl clothes now!)
#8 We get to have another ultrasound next Wednesday to check the fluid levels and Abby's measurements again.
#9 Did I mention that Abby is alive and well in there, and she was kicking up a storm during the NST and since then too.

I am once again grateful for today and for what today has brought. I love you, Carter!

Turn Around

Hey buddy, how's this for a quick turn around? I have been doing some thinking and some praying and have made some changes in just the time since I last wrote to you.

I deleted the countdown that I have been looking at every day for Abby's arrival.

I have made the conscious decision to live in today.

I got back from lunch with my friends (which I really needed) and looked up some verses on worry in the Bible and those helped a lot. And I chatted with a couple friends of mine who have lost babies and that helped too!

Here are the verses that changed me today though:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? - Matthew 6:25-27

Today is what I have. Today is all I will ever have with Abby. It is all I will ever have with everyone I love.

So today, I am thankful that I have re-realized what a blessing today is.

I love you, Carter!

28 Days

Hey Carter. I love you!

I'm sorry for only coming to talk to you when I'm freaking out lately...I wish it wasn't like this...but it is and for that I'm sorry!

I was looking at my calendar this morning and when I saw that my countdown said 28 days until baby Abby arrives(or 4 weeks from today). I think my heart went into palpitations! I feel just like the turtle in this picture! Let me elaborate! I don't feel like I'm drowning, but I definitely feel like I'm in a pool full of water and that although the water isn’t rising, the only part of me that I am able to keep above the waterline is essentially my face so I don’t drown. I feel like I’m flailing and that I just need to keep up enough strength to keep that nose out of the water. Does that make any sense?

I still can’t bring myself to think about or imagine what life will/should/could be like after we take your little sister home from the hospital. When I bought the outfit to bring her home in I thought, well…if we don’t bring her home, then at least I have an outfit she can be buried in. I am hopeful that she makes it through these last four weeks, but I’m not confident. And when someone else tells me how they are SURE things are going to work out wonderfully with Abby, I about have a panic attack. All of the “what ifs” that run through my head…I’m glad those people have confidence and I am sure they think I’m a nutcase because I don’t have a lick of it, but I can’t shake it.

It's tough, Carter. But at least I'm still able to breath and each breath is a gift, that's for sure.

Have a good day buddy!

August

August, it seems so simple. But just as everything seems as though it should be simple to most people, it’s not to me.

It’s not simple to think about being 35 ½ weeks pregnant next week. It’s not simple because 35 ½ weeks is when we lost you.

It’s not simple to think about August 29th being your birthday. It’s not simple because you aren’t here…you live in heaven.

It’s not simple to think about this being my last month pregnant with your little sister. It’s not simple because so many things can happen in these last 30 days. And even though I’m trying my best to just “go” with everything it’s wearing on me.

It’s not simple to think that my doctor is on vacation this week. It’s not simple because he was on vacation when we lost you and whether I’m superstitious or not, him being gone FREAKS me out.

I think I am in major need of a spiritual fill-up and that’s where the majority of my feelings are coming from. So tonight I’m going to look at the books/Bible studies I have at home and try to start reading one of them to rejuvenate and revitalize my spiritual life.

I just feel empty. Empty emotionally like I am unable to give anything back to the people I love. Empty mentally to the point of not feeling like I can function nearly as well as I should be on a daily basis. Empty physically because I am so exhausted from not sleeping well at night (dang potty runs due to a baby crunched bladder). And I’m probably physically empty too because I am not able to get the exercise my body yearns for.

So now that I’ve done a quick inventory of my state of being I guess it’s time to do something about those things. In terms of the simple things I talked about at the beginning, I have no clue how to deal with them other than by riding them out and praying that God will bring me peace as those dates and events come and go. I’m excited for your birthday because we will get to celebrate your life, but I am torn to pieces that it’s almost been a year already since I met and said goodbye to you. I’ve got plans for your special day and I’m going to hopefully get things moving on that here pretty quickly.

In terms of the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual stuff I will pray. I will pray that God will not only carry me through these trials but that He will fill me in every possible way.

It’s hard Carter. It’s hard to be in a place where everything seems difficult and tiring. But it’s doable. I survived your death and I can survive August. It’s the anticipation of it all that gets to me. I’ll keep walking along the path though and praying that God will carry me. That’s all I can ask right? I love you little one.

11 Months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Carter's 11 month heavenly birthday we'll sing him a song,
We'll sing it together,
We'll all sing along.
May love be beside you your whole heavenly lifetime through.
Happy birthday dear Carter,
Happy birthday to you!

Oh my goodness, I can't believe you are 11 months old now. Oh how the time has flown. And oh how time has stood still. It's surreal. I think back to 11 months ago and the pain that we were feeling. And then I think about where I am today…I can’t believe it, Carter. I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe where life has taken me. I can’t believe the things I have learned. I can’t believe the tears I have cried. All of the days I have sat here wondering…wondering what life would be like if you were here. Wondering what will happen in the future and knowing that in that future I will always include you. I will always include you in every way I can.

Just yesterday your sister and I went to watch the Thunderbirds fly and I thought it would be a nice thing for us to go to the cemetery to watch them. I am really glad we did. It wasn’t probably the best place to watch the show from, but for your sister’s sake (she doesn’t do well with loud) it worked out quite nicely. We were able to spend time with you. I was happy to have included you in the day. I sat there watching them flying and thought about how cool you would have thought they were (maybe not this year but definitely in the future).

Then this morning I was catching up on my blog reading and read this that Liam’s mommy posted:
She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Her heart is secure, she will have no fear; in the end she will look in triumph on her foes. PSALM 112:7-8
Reading that helped my heart. I really like the reassurance of everything ending up “ok”. It was a blessing.

But, today I feel like I’m just in a fog. I guess that’s an ok thing. I am exhausted and totally drained, but I am here and I am wishing you a VERY happy 11 month heavenly birthday little boy. I love you!

Some Good News and Faith

Hey baby boy. I love you and miss you like crazy. This week is Cheyenne Frontier Days and so far it's been uneventful for our family. Tomorrow the Thunderbirds will perform their annual air show and I'm debating as to where your sister and I should go to see it...or even if we should. The loud noises really freak her out. We'll see I guess. In true CFD style though it's been HOT so far this week. And hot makes for cranky mommies who are pregnant. I'm trying my best to put on a happy face and get through it, but by the end of the day I'm exhausted and hot as heck. (Your poor daddy)

On a good note though, I talked to my doctor's office about the Explanation of Benefits we got last week. They did get a copy of the test results from the pathologist and as far as they can tell #1 the results were completely normal (which we totally would have expected) and #2 it appears the only tissue that was tested was umbilical cord and placenta. Which means…they didn’t cut on you!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I’m just going off of what the nurse at the doctor’s office told me from when she read the results, but that’s good enough for me! I’ll ask when I see the doctor again next week just to be sure. But as of right now, things are looking promising in the - you being buried whole category! I was majorly relieved.

Your little sister still seems to be doing well inside of me. She is a mover and a shaker and during the non-stress tests she acts just like she should. Her heart shows accelerations when she moves around and there are no signs of distress. I did talk to my doc yesterday though and told him that I fully realize that NSTs are a false sense of security because cord accidents don’t really give warnings and even though I go in on a weekly basis, bad things can still happen. But, the good ole doc continues to be confident in your sister making a safe arrival here. I am trying not to think about my 35th week which is coming up pretty quickly since that is the week we lost you. And I’m trying not to be paranoid because my doc will be on vacation next week which is a month before your sister will come here…and he was on vacation when we lost you… month before you were due. So, call me paranoid. Call me superstitious. But it is what it is and I’m trying my best to just go with it.

I’m trying to concentrate on having faith.

FAITH

Hmmmmm…that reminds me of a couple of different conversations I’ve had since being pregnant with your little sister. A neighbor told me that I “just need to have faith” about this pregnancy and during another conversation someone agreed with that point.

I know I was probably a little curt with at least the second person when I told them that I have faith. I’ve got all the dang faith in God in the world. But I do not believe it is faith that keeps babies alive. That (to me) would mean that my faith wasn’t strong enough to keep you alive. And that’s crap! I believe that bad stuff happens…really horrible, terrible bad stuff. But, having faith means that I believe that no matter what happens to your little sister or your big sister or you daddy or anyone else that I love, God will carry me through it and that God will somehow bring good out of the cruddy things that can/may/do happen in life. That, to me, is faith.

So, even if people hurt my feelings (and I fully realize they don’t mean to…they just don’t know what to say to me) I know that God is right there by my side, watching out for me as I go through my days here on Earth. It’s not easy, Carter. It’s not even fun at times, but I know that someday things will be perfect and I will never have to feel the pains (mental/emotional/physical/spiritual) of this world again. That’s where my faith and confidence lie.

I love you little boy. Have a good day up there and maybe you could put on some cowboy duds to celebrate CFD! ;) I bet you would be so stinkin’ cute with a little cowboy hat on and some Wranglers. You know this is the only time of year where we even think about getting all “cowboy-ed up”. But it’s fun to have an excuse. I love you!

Are you whole?

Hey buddy. I got punched in the gut and thrown down a flight of stairs yesterday...at least that's what it felt like.

Let me explain.

Right after we found out you had passed away and before we delivered you, there had been some discussion about finding out the cause of your death. Our doctor had told us there was a very real possibility we would never know but that they would do anything and everything they could to try to figure it out. I was so grateful. The doctor said they would obviously examine you and the placenta and even send part of the placenta off for testing. He mentioned the possibility of chromosomal testing and also another kind of test where they could take a couple millimeter piece of skin from and an actual piece of your Achilles tendon in order to do some testing as well. Your daddy and I were on board with any and all tests that they could possibly need to do in order to hopefully find out what happened to you with the exception of an autopsy. I didn’t want them cutting into you like that.

Then you were born. And as soon as you came out, the doctor pointed out your umbilical cord wrapped around your legs. He determined that to be the cause of death and even showed us the spot in the cord where the blood flow was cut off and from there into your little tummy it was just white. It was then that the doctor told us he didn’t believe it was necessary to do the skin or chromosomal testing on you. We were so relieved. And then when the lady from the funeral home told us you did not need to be embalmed because you had never taken a breath, that was a weight off of my shoulders too.

All in all, I was very happy to #1 find out the cause of your death, #2 know that you would not be embalmed, #3 know that you would be buried whole since they wouldn’t have to do any of the skin or chromosomal testing on you. Basically, you would be “Carter” just like God created you when we buried you and that brought me comfort.

Now, fast forward 10 months 3 weeks and 2 days to yesterday…

Let me preface this with something. I have not been in a good place lately. I’ve been crabby and tired and yesterday at work a friend of mine made me super angry so when I left for the day I was not in a good spot.

But, I went and picked your big sister up from “school” just like I usually do and we headed home. When we got home, I checked the mail just like normal and we headed inside the house.

Once inside the house I was looking through the mail and there was just a lot of normal junk mail and other things. Then I opened an Explanation of Benefits from my secondary health insurance company. The first thing I saw on it was: Tissue Culture, Skin/Biopsy. I thought what in the world is this for? Then I looked at the date of service: 08/29/2009. OH MY GOD! It was from you! Then I looked at the rest of the charges and they all referred to chromosomal testing.

After nearly 11 months of believing you were buried whole, I found out that you aren’t. I was crushed. I didn’t care about the money part of it. Money is just money. But you could have knocked me over with a feather when I realized they had cut on you.

So I called the place in California that submitted the information to the insurance company just to find out some general information. I spoke to a woman who informed me that they did indeed receive an order from my doctor here and that the results were sent back to the pathologist.

Now there was another bit to swallow. Not only had they cut on you when I thought they didn’t. Now I didn’t even know the results of these tests! I sobbed.

Don’t get me wrong, Carter, I am not upset at our doctor. I called my friend that works at the doctor’s office and told her about it. She talked to the doctor and he said that he doesn’t remember specifically filling out the order to have the tests done but that they would look into it. He is a really good guy. I know he wouldn’t do something like that to hurt us. What I think happened is this…I think he filled out all of the paperwork for the testing prior to your birth so he could get out of there as soon as possible afterward since it was the middle of the night. In all of that paperwork was probably the order(s) for these tests. So, I really do believe it was an honest mistake and I do not hold it against him.

Here’s the other kicker though…my doctor didn’t ever get the results of the tests. So somewhere (we are currently trying to figure out where) out there are these results. I am hoping they can find them soon so I can try to get past this bump (or boulder, whatever) in the road.

I know I’ll be ok. It will just take time to process everything in my mind. And today I’m better than I was last night so that’s a good thing.

I did cry on my way to work though. I was feeling down and then I looked up and saw a rainbow. I couldn’t keep myself from crying. Then right after that I heard a song on the radio that made me cry even harder! It was You Carried Me by Building 429. Here are they lyrics:

I've been so busy, I missed the reasons
I missed Your love, and I nearly missed it all
Still You've loved me, and You've healed me
You've given all and it brought me to Your cross
I stand only because You've given me grace to walk
Only because

Chorus
You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
And I believe
Yes I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Cause mercy covers all
Cause mercy covers all

I know the scripture, I've known the songs
I sang the words from my hollowed heart
But You've spoken softly through the storm
I've heard Your voice and I've felt the calm
I stand only because You've given me faith to walk
Only because

Chorus

I know that you love me
I'll never doubt it I can't live without it
Your mercy has found me
I am astounded, I can't live without it

You carried me
You carried me
You carried me through it all
You carried me
You carried me
And I believe
Yes I believe
You'll carry me all the way home
Cause mercy covers all
Mercy covers all
And I believe
Yeah, and I believe
Yeah, I believe

Oh my goodness, Carter. God is good. I knew that no matter what will happen and no matter what has happened that it WILL all be ok.

And even if you aren’t “whole” as I would define it, you are WHOLE in God and that makes my heart not hurt quite so much. I love you.

Who am I?

Good morning Carter. I love you and hope you are having a good day up there with your friends today. Do you get to experience seasons or is it the same every day? I guess that's just one more thing I will have to wait and experience with you once I get there.

I have been thinking lately about who I am. Who I am in my eyes and who I am to the world I live in.

So I'm going to try to share with you who I am...some things I'm not proud of and there are some things that bring me pain. But then there are other things that I love being and love being known as.

I am...Sara and my name means princess.
I am...29 years old.
I am...a mom to six children.
I am...a mom to only one living child (hopefully that number will increase to 2 on September 1st).
I am...categorized as someone with "A history of term demise" when it comes to delivering your little sister.
I am...someone who cannot successfully carry a baby out of the first trimester unless I am on medications to force my body to stay pregnant.
I am...a wife.
I am...the proud wife of a police officer who loves his job and it shows.
I am...a wife that tells her husband every night before he leaves for work to "be careful". That's my way of putting the responsibility on him intead of worrying myself every night about his safety.
I am...a daughter.
I am...a sister.
I am...a child of God.
I am...someone who loved being in labor with your big sister and looks very forward to being in labor with your little sister too.
I am...scared that your sisters will die.
I am...praying that my fears aren't realized.
I am...a mom who works full-time but not because I love my job, only because it allows me to provide for my family.
I am...a college graduate with a degree in business administration and another in Spanish.
I am...an athlete.
I am...a triathlete.
I am...frustrated that I can't exercise right now.
I am...a friend.
I am...tired.
I am...crabby.
I am...drained.
I am...a lot more mellow than I ever was before losing you.
I am...a talker.
I am...trying to be a better listener.
I am...wondering still why it is that I have to visit my son at the cemetery instead of picking him up from daycare.
I am...wondering if I will ever be able to look at kiddos your age and not fall apart.
I am...thinking there is a lot of junk in the world that people all around me are dealing with and I don't understand why there is so much pain and heartache.
I am...an animal lover.
I am...slightly crazy apparently since we have five pets (3 dogs and 2 cats).
I am...grateful for the sunshine.
I am...grateful for the home I live in.
I am...100% Dutch. (Ya ain't much if ya ain't Dutch! This explains why I'm so cheap!)
I am...getting gray hair and I don't care!
I am...stubborn as heck.
I am...a lover of candy and junk food.
I am...not a big fruit eater...ok let's be honest...I don't really eat any fruit.
I am...a Christian music fan. It's all I listen to unless your sister is in the car and we are listening to princess songs on cd.

I think this list is a pretty comprehensive look at who your mommy is. I know it isn't complete by any means. But it gives you a glimpse of me. I hope there are some things in there that make you proud of me, Carter. I wish you could see these things for yourself down here instead of from up there in heaven. But you can't, so instead I have to write them to you. Thanks for listening little boy. I love you.

Why can't I just be normal?

Hey Carter. I love you and have been thinking about you a lot lately! I hope you are doing well up there and are having lots of fun.

Before I get going on my rant for the day, I wanted to share something that a friend of mine wrote to me earlier today (she lives right by the cemetery where you are), my response to her and her response back.
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Friend: Hey,

Just wanted to let you know that Carter was visited by an antelope over the weekend…he hung out mostly in that area…meandered over to our yard and then back…God must have wanted to show him what an antelope was…

XOXO!


Me: =- ) Thank you for telling me that! I love that there is so much "going on" at that cemetery. There is always evidence of birds, and once my parents brought him a nerf football and apparently the antelope wanted to see what it tasted like! I love going out there and seeing all of the airplanes flying over...it's just a nice place for a little guy!

Thank you again for telling me. Things like that make my heart happy. =- )


Friend: Well it isn’t often there are antelope out there….I’ve only seen them one other time. My good friend Myrtle is buried there as well…seriously…not a day goes by when I don’t drive by and think about Carter…and now Myrtle. It is a pretty place…
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You are loved buddy. You are thought about by people other than me and that does make my heart not hurt quite as badly.

So there are things like that in life that make me smile and then there are things that make me wonder why in the world I feel so crazy sometimes.

Why can't I just be a normal mommy to my living child? Why can't I just be happy when she sleeps in later than usual in the mornings instead of wondering if she stopped breathing during the night? Why can't I be blissfully unaware when I go to the OB/GYN and just sit there with the other pregnant ladies around me and chit chat away about how perfect my pregnancy is and have absolutely no idea (at least not an obvious idea) that babies die? Why am I the mommy who goes in for a non-stress test on her baby and hold my breath for that split second when they put the monitor on my tummy and wonder/hope/pray/freak out because they haven't gotten the monitor in the right spot just yet?

Why?

I wish I were a normal/typical person and a normal/typical pregnant person. But I'm not. I'm not and I never will be.

But with that comes an amazing amount of love and outpouring of that same love. I have learned to show my love to those around me. I have learned to (hopefully) never take things for granted. The little things in life really aren't little. It's huge when your sister comes over to me when she's pretending and gives me a hug goodbye because she's "going to work". It's huge when she looks at me and tells me she loves me. And it's equally huge when she sits on my lap with her kitty-cat, Crater and is completely ignoring me and just tells him over and over again "I love you." I love feeling your little sister bee-bopping around inside of me. And I love the reassurance it gives me.

I guess that is my normal. My normal may be hypersensitive to and hyperaware of a lot of things, but that hypersensitivity isn't all bad. Because with it comes an increased awareness and enjoyment for the little things in life. And I wouldn't give that up for anything.

Dragging

Good morning Carter. I love you!

Well little guy, I had another non-stress test on your sister yesterday and I am happy to report that she is doing just as good as she should be. And I didn't even cry a single tear at yesterday's appointment. Sounds like I'm making strides right?!?! =- ) I get to go in for another one on the 19th and I am looking quite forward to it. Both times I have gone in, my doctor is as wonderful as he always is. I love that guy! He's doing everything he can to make the "home stretch" comfortable for me in every way possible.

Your sister is still a mover and a shaker and that makes me so very happy. And that big sister of yours, well she is just the sweetest thing ever. Even if she is two and with being two come all of the two year old trials. She is finding herself in the midst of it all and it is (mostly) fun to watch! Your daddy has been super busy with work stuff lately and although I can't blame him for my dragging...I am completely pooped out and feel over-worked. It doesn't help either that my love language is pretty much a dead tie between acts of service and quality time. So my "love tank" is feeling pretty empty lately too. We are headed camping this weekend and although I am looking forward to some time to relax while camping, I am worried about your kitty-cat, Crater. He's going to miss a full day of his medicine and I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the rear end.

So I am dragging in about every way possible lately. I am dragging physically with being pregnant, hot, tired and out of shape. I am dragging emotionally because of you sister trying limits and your daddy being so busy and not around much. I am dragging mentally I think mainly because I am just so physically tired I can't even begin to "think" clearly. And I think I am probably even dragging a little spiritually. Not for any particular reason. And I don't feel anything bad in my spiritual walk right now. I'm just tired and not feeling the fire burning under my feet.

I guess dragging isn't a bad thing though huh? At least I noticed it and can try to do what is possible to make the dragging not feel so "drag-ish".

I did go see you a couple days ago though and that always makes the hole in my heart feel a little smaller. I love visiting you and seeing the beautiful place where you are. I know I've said it before, but it really does seem like a place that a little boy would just love with all of the animals out there, the entire place looks just like one giant lawn, there are trees to climb and you have a nearly perfect view of the sky to watch the airplanes! I love your spot. I love it a lot!

Well baby boy, I guess I should get going. Even though I'm pooped, there are things I should probably be doing here at work. I will talk to you again soon. I love you!