Will I always feel like this?

Hey Carter.

It's Friday and I'm OH-SO-HAPPY it is! It's been a long week to say the least. Your daddy left on Sunday for a week-long training. That wouldn't normally be a huge deal but then the walls came crashing down around me. Your baby sister wasn't feeling well so I took her in to the doctor on Monday afternoon. She had an ear infection. No wonder she was so fussy. So basically every night that your daddy has been gone, she has been fussy, is not sleeping well and is feeling super yucky.

Then to add insult to injury, our cat, Acadia (Cadi) wasn't feeling well. Last week we took her in to the vet for a probable UTI and they treated her for that. But this week she wasn't seeming any better so I took her in to the vet on Tuesday morning so they could check her out. Long story short, they drew blood and found out her kidneys were failing. They then hooked her up to an IV drip for 48 hours to try to flush her kidneys out and hit her with a couple of different antibiotics. (Meanwhile, Wednesday was your daddy's and my anniversary and yesterday was his birthday.) But then yesterday they called and told me that her kidney levels hadn't budged and that she had bleeding ulcers in her mouth as a result of the kidney failure. Basically, there was nothing they could do and she would need to be put to sleep. =- (

So I went to the vet to spend some time with her before she died and I am so happy I did. I had gone the night before and I am extremely grateful that I did that as well. When I got there, I held her and cried and cried and cried. I told her I was sorry I couldn't make her better. I can't even tell you how many times I apologized to her. I felt horrible. She looked at me with the saddest eyes and I knew I was doing the right thing. She tried to purr and she wagged her tail a little bit. But then she started getting worse. Right there in my arms she started getting worse. Thankfully a friend of mine told me she would be there with me and I'm so happy she was. It was hard enough having to put my kitty to sleep, but to do it without your daddy there was worse.

I left the vet and went home to be alone for a while. I just laid in my bed and tried to make sense of it all. I felt crushed. I felt defeated. I felt like a horrible pet owner. Why is it that my pets die? Why do my pets get diseases that are either totally not typical for their breed or disease that are only seen once every ten years? And then I really started thinking and ended up getting really mad. I don't understand why in the name of heck I have had three cats die, soon to be two dogs die and four kids! How is that fair? What am I supposed to learn from all of this? I don't know that it will ever make sense and I guess I should stop trying to pull answers out of this junk.

But since then I have been reminded of that gaping hole in my gut again. And feeling that hole so much again makes me wonder if it will ever stop hurting. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever be the same carefree, innocent person without a care in the world ever again? I don't know that I will be or even can be. And part of me is glad because that means I will always remember you, but the other part of me wishes so much that I could just be normal again. Normal like I was before your daddy and I ever started trying to have kiddos. Normal and carefree and completely oblivious to the stupid, horrible and totally unfair things that happen in this world. I don't understand it, Carter. But I guess there is no sense in fighting it. I can't change my circumstances, I can only embrace who and where I am currently. It's hard though, buddy. It's hard to stay positive sometimes.

A friend of mine made a comment the other day about me and my smile. She said that I am that friend that always comes into a building with a smile but underneath that smile is a lot of stuff that's going on...but it's always covered with a smile. Is that true about me? I guess it isn't a bad thing. And the only thing I could say was that yes, I do always try to smile because in a lot of cases I could either smile or cry and for the most part I choose to smile. I am a happy person though Carter. I really am. I have just experienced my share of heartache in my 30 years on this planet. I can't focus on the heartache though (at least most of the time). I have to choose to think about the good things in my life and about what I have learned through my heartaches. Because to me, if I didn't learn from my circumstances - whether good or bad - that would be the real tragedy.

So here I am, on a Friday afternoon just waiting for the work week to end. I'm waiting to hear from your daddy that he is on his way home. And I'm waiting to camping with our family this weekend. I'm waiting for rest. I'm waiting for some peace and I'm waiting for healing...again. I'm looking forward to reading a book this weekend called I Still Believe. It was written by Jeremy Camp about his journey after his wife died of cancer. It's a book all about "Discovering hope and healing in the midst of life's deepest valleys". I'm looking forward to it. It's not a terribly long book but just reading the first page got me ready and excited (I don't know that excited is the right word) to read it.

Thankfully your big sister has been a trooper this week with everything happening. She has been a pretty good listener and has been super sweet. I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with her this weekend just playing and running and laughing. Your sisters make my heart about explode, Carter. I love them so much it hurts.

Well buddy, I suppose I should get going. I love and miss you more than you will ever know, Carter. Please give Cadi a hug from me and tell her I love and miss her too. xoxoxo

My kids

I never in all of my life thought that this would be a picture of me and all of the kids I've given birth to. But, if this is the only way I get to have a picture of me and all of you kiddos, I'll take it. As you can see, your big sister was being silly (as she always is!) and both of your sisters are in their jammies. =- ) Sometimes it's just fun to hang out in your jammies all day long!

I can't remember the last time our whole family has been out there to see you. But I was shopping the other day and found a new pinwheel for you and knew we needed to take it out to the cemetery. I think it was confusing for your big sister. She knows you are in heaven with Jesus, but I think she was a little perplexed as to how we could go visit you in a cemetery if you are with Him.

I don't think your daddy has really been around much previously when she has had her questions, so yesterday as we left the cemetery and she asked all of the hard questions, I sat and watched his heart break as he answered. She asked again about where you were and if you were with Jesus. *Ugh* I don't understand why a 3 year old should have to visit her baby brother in the cemetery. I don't understand why a 3 year old knows that sometimes babies die.

But before we left that place I sat by your headstone with you and your baby sister. And as I looked at her sweet face, I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. It was by no means a trade (you for her), but as much as it breaks my heart to think about you being gone, it breaks my heart to think that she wouldn't be here. **Double Ugh**

So, we visited you. I'm so happy we did. I miss you every day. I wish I could hold you and watch you grow. I know you and your sisters would be so fun playing together and someday, when we all get to heaven, I know you'll show them the ropes of hanging out with Jesus. Thank you for that!

I'm even happier that we visited you yesterday because this week is a special week in our family. This week your daddy turns 30 years old. And, this week is your daddy's and my 9th wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's been 9 years. We got a really sweet card from my grandpa and grandma this weekend and in it they wrote that they couldn't believe it had already been 9 years and what a bunch of heartache and joy we have experienced in that time. It's true. It's been 9 years of ups and downs and highs and lows. And I wouldn't have shared those 9 years with anyone other than your wonderful, amazing, super awesome daddy. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He holds me when I cry. He loves your sisters more than I think is humanly possible. And I know he loves and misses you with all of his heart too. I know it kills him to think about not having you here. And although he doesn't talk about it much, I know he misses you so much it hurts.

So little one, celebrate with us this week as we have so much to celebrate. We wish you were here! I love you!

Deep Breath

I love you. I wanted you. I miss you. I still, even after 20 months miss you every second of every single day. It still hurts to think about you being gone. It still stings to hear about other babies who have died. I still wish you were here.

Things have been crazy around here lately. The weekend was completely crazy and then on Sunday night I got a phone call from a friend of mine. It was actually his dad calling me and what he said completely broke me. He told me that my friend Leif and his wife Kelli just found out that their baby had died at 30 weeks gestation . *I WAS SHATTERED* You may remember when I wrote about this a while back. Well, Kelli is the same Kelli. I found out after that day in February 2010 that Kelli's husband, Leif was the same Leif that works in my building at work. Long story short, your daddy and I have built quite the friendship with them since that time. So, when I got that phone call on Sunday night I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I spent from midnight Sunday/Monday until yesterday night at about 8 with them. Talking, crying, listening (probably not as much or as well as I should have)and even laughing some with them and their family. The worst part of the story is that even as of right now, Landon has not been born yet! Her body isn't dilating like it should. She's been having all sorts of complications and it's just been slow-going. I feel horrible for them.

Being with them has cut open the scar on my heart. I say it's a scar because in a lot of ways, I truly believe I was healed when it came to losing you. Healed, but eternally marked by what had happened.

Then I found out about Landon. Then I sat and held the hands of my friends and cried. Then I remembered what it felt like to find out your baby was dead and then to have to labor and grieve while your baby is dead inside of you. I sat and thought about how I felt. I sat and thought about when the time came to push. I thought about seeing your lifeless body after you were born. I sat and thought about those things and probably acted inappropriately at times because I told lots of silly stories about things that didn't have to do with dead babies. I laughed because laughing was easier than thinking about a dead baby. I laughed and cried and punched the steering wheel in my car. I sat in totally disbelief that this had happened......AGAIN.......to my friends. And worst of all, I sat there with them and their family, completely shocked and totally helpless. I could do nothing for them. I could not make anything better for them. I could not make Landon come alive again. I could do nothing but tell them that it was ok to scream at God. I prayed and yelled at God and asked WHY? so many times. And here I sit at work. I have friends who are still laboring in order to deliver their stillborn son, and I'm at work.

I'm feeling all sorts of guilt. I feel guilty because I felt like I had stayed too long. I feel guilty because I really wanted to hold him when he was born and my stupid feelings are hurt because they didn't ask me to stay. It's stupid. It's selfish. It makes me feel like a jerk. But I wanted to hold him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel him in my arms.

And maybe it's better that I won't get that opportunity. Maybe it's better that I won't have to relive holding my own dead baby in my arms. Maybe it's better, but for now it hurts. I think it hurts because I only got to hold you after you had passed away. And maybe holding Landon would have felt right. Maybe it would have helped me remember how you smelled and how you felt and how soft and perfect your skin was. Maybe it would have helped me remember what it felt like to kiss you. But apparently that's not what is meant to be. Is that God's way of protecting me? I don't know.

So for now I will sit here thinking about my friends. I don't know how long it's going to take for this new wound to heal. I can't imagine, but I know that over time it will. And then at some point in the future it will be ripped open again because that's what happens every time I hear about another baby who has died. My heart breaks all over again. And then I act like a jack@$$ and feel like I've been a little too "Sara" for people.

I don't know buddy. I don't know how to act and I sure as heck don't know how to feel even 20 months later. But just like 20 months and five days ago I will find a way to do it. I will put one foot in front of the other and take another step. Thankfully those steps are leading me to your sisters each and every day and that is a wonderful, amazing gift. I kiss them more than most parents kiss their kiddos, I'm sure of that. And when I look at them my heart hurts because I love them so much and am so happy they are here with me. I wish my heart hurt for the same reasons when I thought of you.

I love you.