Tonight is the night (maybe)

Hey buddy! I love you!

Well, last time I wrote I was concerned about your stuff and what I am going to do with all of it. Since then, I've come up with a plan (temtatively anyway)! You see, I don't feel like I can give your stuff to just anyone for a variety of reasons. #1 I don't want someone to think it's weird/creepy to be getting your things. #2 I don't want someone to get your things and not realize what a VERY big deal it is and #3 I am not going to bring your clothes to a consignment shop and make money off of them. I just don't feel right about that.

So, what does that mean? Sounds like I'm between a rock and a hard place to me. But, then I figured it out!

I have a friend whose son you are friends with up there! Little Benjamin who was born still in December 2008 is going to be a big brother in July. His mommy is 5 weeks farther along than me and is going to have a little boy. Your daddy and I went to a dinner celebration of the new baby's life and while we were there I asked Ben's mommy if she would like your things.

You should have seen the look in her eyes when I asked her. She just started crying. She asked me if I was sure and I insisted that I was. Afterall, the baby will be born in July so the seasons are perfect for the clothes to fit the little guy. And she had mentioned to me the week before that she had all of Benjamin's stuff packed away at her mom's house and wasn't sure what she was going to do with all of it...whether she would use it for the new baby or not. So, it just seemed perfect! She gets it, Carter. She get's that it's not just a bunch of clothes. She get's that it's a huge step for me and that was/is a huge relief!

So, we had another appointment on the 25th and when the doctor came into the room to check your little sister's heartbeat I told him that I had brought my very best groveling face to the appointment that day. He just looked at me like I was a goof ball (much like he always does hee hee hee) and asked me why I was groveling. So I explained all of the stuff to him about your things and asked how much groveling/begging it would take to get him to take just one more look to be sure Abby is indeed an Abby and not a Matthew.

No sooner had I explained that and he asked his assistant to clean up the ultrasound room so we could take a look. It was probably a 3 minute ultrasound. But those three minutes brought me a lot of peace and really helped me prepare even more for dealing with your things. Little Abby gave him a CLEAR ;) view of her girl parts, so much so that your daddy and I could even tell right away when he pointed them out.

When I left the doctor's office, I left with a confidence I had not felt before about dealing with your things.

I have all sorts of wonderful people around me that are willing to help me go through your things. But, I think I'm going to at least start going through them tonight after your sister goes to bed. Your daddy is out of town for work and I really think that this is something I need to do on my own. I need the time to look at each piece of your clothing, and to touch each of your blankets all by myself. Time to just be with the things that represent "you". There may be some things that I will keep in a box with the rest of your stuff from the hospital and such. But for the most part, tonight will be about going through your dresser and going through the clothes that have sat in the hamper since your baby shower the night before we found out we lost you and trying to start a new chapter in my healing.

I am not going to pretend that it will be easy, because I know it won't be. But the good news is, I don't feel anxiety about it and that is a really good thing!

Wish me luck! I love you!