Catching up

Hey Carter. I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote to you. I feel horrible about not writing more. I guess there's good news though that since I haven't been writing to you much lately I've been feeling pretty good about it all. You see, Carter, I write to you mainly when I'm sad or struggling. I think about you each and every day, but I really only write when I'm having a rough time. So, life as of late has been pretty even-steven.

I'm sure part of the reason life has been ok is because we've been so stinkin' busy lately. We took a trip out to Indiana to see you Uncle Adam and Auntie Melissa. We took a trip to South Dakota for your Uncle Michael's college graduation. We've been running like crazy.

We did get some pretty big news since I last wrote to you though too. We found out that the little one growing inside of me is a girl (at least the doctor is pretty sure it's a girl...she wouldn't sit still). Her name will be Abigail Faith (Abby).

We are happy.

I know that doesn't sound very convincing. We are happy though. The day of our ultrasound we were...well I don't know that there's really a word for what we were. I cried after we left and I think your daddy was pretty close to that point too. It's not that we aren't happy about Abby. We really are. She looks absolutely perfect in there. The doctor said she's measuring perfectly, she's got a four-chambered heart, she's got a 3-vessel umbilical cord, she's absolutely perfect from what they can tell on the ultrasound.

But you see, Carter, it's not as simple as Abby being a girl.

The best way I know to explain it is like this...it tore the scab off of my wound again. It truly is going to force me to deal with the things in your room that say "It's a boy!" All of your clothes are still in the dresser and in the laundry basket from the night before we found out we lost you. And all of our "boy" hopes and dreams once again feel like sand slipping through my fingers. Your daddy and I don't plan on having another baby after Abby so my dreams of football, baseball, the "million dollar family", and my dreams of having a relationship with my son are once again gone. So what do I do with all of the stuff? Do I give it all away? Do I save it all because it reminds me of you? Well, it is just stuff...and stuff isn't what life is all about. I know I need to store up my treasure in heaven.

I'm sure to some people I sound like a horrible person for even thinking things like that, but you know what...I don't care. I don't care what people think. I'll be judged for the rest of my life. I'll be judged because of my outlook on life as a result of losing you. I'll be judged for "not being excited or happy enough" or for "being overly emotional" or "overly protective". So, I know I can't please everyone. Heck, I'll probably never please most anyone in life. I do go through my life knowing that I'm doing the best I can though. The best I can with the hand I've been dealt. And the people who I truly care about and that care about me, recognize that.

I love you, Carter. I hope you are having lots of fun with your friends. I miss you every day! I love you!