Bad Dreams and Well-Meaning Friends

Hey buddy!

Sorry it's been a while again since I last wrote to you. Your daddy, sister and I took a trip to Chicago for a week. It was really nice to go there and to spend some time as a family. I had to work some too, since the whole reason we originally made the trip was because I had a conference, but mainly we just had some quality family time.

I've been doing really well with everything lately until two nights ago. You see, I had a horrible dream. I had a dream that your little sister, Abby, was born but then she was dead. I don't know if she died before she was born or afterward, but I know she was gone.

So, I woke up in the morning and proceeded to freak out (internally) the whole day. I asked for prayers and truly felt them.

Then last night one of my friends sent me a message just to see how I was doing. She is super sweet. She truly cares about me and my well-being. It made me feel better and then I told her that I was afraid of losing not just you but Abby too. Her response to me was, God won't do that to you.

It hurt.

I know she was meaning to comfort me. I know she was trying to make me feel better.

But, all I could think was...I don't think God "did" that to me when we lost you. Thoughts like that would make me doubt God until the end of time. Thoughts like that make me (slightly but not really) wonder if there is something I can/could/should "do" to guarantee that I don't lose another child.

You see Carter, I believe that crap happens. Bad, BAD, REALLY HORRIBLE BAD things happen in this world. And I know that in God is in control of what happens (way too complicated for me to even begin to comprehend) but I also TRULY believe that He didn't "DO" this to me. Why would God want to see me in such horrible pain? Why would God kill my baby? All the whys. All the what ifs. They are too hard for me. They are too much to comprehend.

So today I'm still upset. But I'm trying not to think about it because there is truly no answer that will ever be good enough for my questions until I meet my Maker. And until then, I'm not going to doubt His love for me (at least not on purpose).

Tomorrow is our next appointment and I plan on asking the doctor when we can start the weekly non-stress tests on Abby. I'm hoping that will make me feel better. I am also planning on putting our doppler in my purse tonight so I can listen to her heartbeat whenever I want to. Today has been rough because she wasn't moving much and that freaked me out. So, hopefully having that at my disposal whenever and where ever will help.

Thanks for listening, Carter. Life is rough some times. I don't get it. But writing it out to you seems to bring me some relief. I love you!