Usually OK

Hey Carter.

Well, I truly am "usually ok" with everything. I'm usually ok with thinking about you and being in my little safe and comfortable zone.

But then things like this happen. =- (

I was sitting here at my desk at work and in walks an acquaintance/used to be co-worker of mine. Now that might not sound so bad but you see, Carter, she has a grandson who was born one week (to the day, only 1 dang week) younger than you! She walked in with her daughter and her grandson and I swear that for a split second, I thought about diving under my desk to hide! (She had already seen me though so that would have just looked really funny!) And when she walked in she said, we brought him in just to see Sara! She and her daughter were so excited to show him off to me. They definitely fit the elated mommy and grandma description.

So, there he was, sitting on his grandma's lap right in front of me. I choked back the tears and thankfully they stayed away. I didn't say much. I didn't even pretend like I wanted to hold him. I just sat there and thought about you. How was I supposed to think about anything but you in that situation? How was I supposed to look at how big he was and not wonder how big you would be? How was I supposed to look at the teeth in his mouth and not wonder how many teeth you would have? I just sat there with my head seemingly in outer-space and thought about you. I thought about how much it sucks that you aren't here. It sucks that I can't bring you in to work to show you off to everyone. I thought about how much it sucks that you are dead.

I have no idea how long they stayed. I know that it felt like an eternity to me.

Once they left I took a deep breath and I didn't even start crying then. I did sigh and tell one of my co-workers that I was grateful to have made it through that situation. He looked at me kind of strangely and so I elaborated.

After that, I just needed to run away. I needed to disappear for a little while. So, I called my very dear friend that works in a building across the way and told her I was going to visit her. She was obviously confused and asked me why. I told her that I just was! =- )

So, I went over there and she took me into their conference room and just let me cry. She didn't try to make it better. She didn't try to reason with me. She just let me cry and she listened. I didn't just cry a little bit...I was nearly in hysterics at a couple points. But it didn't matter. She just sat there and let me be who I needed to be in that instant. She let me be your mommy...your mommy who misses you more than you will ever know. She let me break down and then she was there to help me back up and pick up all the pieces when I was done crying. She is an amazing friend, Carter. I am so grateful for her. And I know you have tons of friends just like that up there too. It's an amazing gift!

I love you little boy. I miss you so much.