Exhausted

Hello again little one. Well I am hard at it again today and am feeling the exhaustion of life in general. I've been getting up early to work out each day. I've been trying my best to cook supper every night for our family and keep our house kept up. I've been busy at work. I'm tired. I'm tired for so many reasons that I can't even make into words right now. But here I am. I told a friend this morning that I'm even too tired to argue with anyone right now.

I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that we are taking your little sister back to Denver on the 27th for her head. (I'm still concerned about the bump on her skull, directly underneath her birthmark.)

I'm sure too that it has a lot to do with some friends of ours that are in a horrible situation. Basically they got into a huge argument and he flipped out so much so that he got arrested and is facing criminal charges. Now, let me say I in NO way condone his behavior, but I found out yesterday that she is having an affair with some dude she works with and has been for some time. I'm furious! Yes, hubby screwed up and shouldn't have acted the way that he did, but COME ON! Stay faithful in your marriage for crying out loud. The worst part of it, in my mind at least, is that they have a little boy who will be 1 in April. That little boy is being subjected to this horrible situation. That little guy has no idea what is going on and no way of saying what he's feeling. I'm sure he's confused. I'm sure he misses his daddy. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. How can a parent do such horrible things that affect their children like that? I'm torn about what I should do. Like I said before, I do not condone his behavior. But when I talked to her about what had happened (3 weeks ago), she told me that he had accused her of having an affair and completely denied it. How can I believe that any of the rest of her story is true when she would lie about that? So, I guess I just need to pray about it. Pray that God will bring me peace and lead me in the path He wants me to go on in this situation.

I'm tired too because of my own inner-spiritual vs. world view battle. There are some things I just don't understand in life. There is so much hate in the world and yet people can't seem to just concentrate on the love of Jesus Christ. Why does it have to be about who is right and who is wrong when it comes to circumstances and events? Doesn't God just want us to live life in a way that is pleasing to Him? Shouldn't I live each day like it's my last, leaving nothing on the table? Why can't we think less about changing people through force and more through our personal actions? Shouldn't I try to perfect my thoughts and actions before I tell the rest of the world how wrong they are? I'm frustrated. I'm trying not to worry about it, but how can I not? There are people out there that are hurting. And there are people out there (very well could be me in some circumstances) that just can't get over themselves enough to JUST LOVE THEM! Just love people. Everyone has their flaws. Dang, I know that! But stuffing my personal views of everything from politics to religion to child-care and everything in between down their throats won't show God through me.

I guess you can probably see that I have lots on my mind today. I wish I didn't, but I do. On top of it all, I miss you. But, hey that's no surprise is it? I was driving home just the other day and I had "that" thought again. The, "Oh my goodness, he's dead!" thought. I hate it when that thought comes into my mind. It seems so elementary. It seems as though my mind would be able to process that thought since I think about you every day. But there are times when my heart reminds me that life isn't just about the facts - the fact is, I know that you are gone. But, my heart has a very strange yet powerful ability to say, Hey! Your son, your baby, your second born, your perfect little one is buried in a cemetery up the road from your house and that is a terribly sad thing!" Ugh. Those are the thoughts and feelings that are hard.

Facts, and interpretation of the facts, are easy, feelings...not so much. So, that's where I am right now. Struggling with my feelings. Feeling tired. Feeling frustrated. Feeling sad. Feeling worried. Feeling overwhelmed.

Feeling, feeling, feeling, and yet none of those feelings can give me a glimpse of what it would feel like to have you here. None of those feelings are anything but human. And yet those very real human emotions and feelings are me.

I'm sorry I've been blabbing like crazy today, Carter. I guess I had a lot of things I just needed to get off my chest. Thanks for listening. I love you little one!