I cried

Good morning little one. I guess I should say Happy Valentine's Day too. It doesn't seem terribly happy today though. Oh well, I guess that's life. I don't know that I can completely wrap my head around why I'm feeling *blah* today, but I'll try to give you a glimpse into it.

But first, we need to go back in time to August 27, 2009. You see, that was the night of my baby shower for you. It was a Thursday and my running buddies had planned a super great party in your honor. I went to the shower, and posed by the cake for pictures. I sat in the comfy rocking chair and opened presents just for you. I hung out with my running buddies and lots of other friends and some family too. It was a wonderful party to say the least. Everybody there was so excited for you to make your arrival. Everybody was...

Then after the shower I went home and decided I would take care of all of the things you and I had gotten at your big party. So, I sat in the rocking chair in your room and removed tags from clothes and blankets and toys. Then I put all of the clothes in the hamper so I could be sure they were washed and folded and put away just perfectly for when you came. While I sat there, I couldn't shake the thought that I hadn't felt you moving much that day. But I dismissed my thoughts and told myself that I was busy all day and probably just hadn't paid enough attention.

Then it happened. We all know how the rest of the story goes...and it just happened that the rest of the story started just a few hours after I took the tags of of those things and dismissed my thoughts regarding your lack of movement.

SO...

I have not been to a baby shower since yours.

I have not really been back to that friends' house since then.

But as you know, Carter, being "safe" and "comfortable" don't last forever. And last night my internal flood gates were broken. I can't say it's a bad thing. I can't say I was even worried about it all that much.

You see little one, my running buddies and I threw a baby shower for one of our friends last night. It just so happened that the baby shower was for a little boy. And, the shower was at the same friend's house (she's the pregnant one).

I had thought about the shower quite a bit even last week, but I didn't let myself get freaked out about what could/might/probably would happen once I got there. I had given myself the option of bringing the cake and leaving if I felt the need. But I really wanted to be there for my friend. She is such a good friend to me and was even there when you were born. It's not like I felt I owed it to her, but she means a lot to me and I wanted to be there for her.

Then I drove up to her house and parked my car. Once I turned the car off I felt like I could have puked. But, I gathered my things and walked toward the house. With each step I was thinking about what I would and wouldn't do once I got in there. I had decided I would not put the cake on the table since that was where my cake sat. And I decided I wasn't going to sit in the living room while she opened presents because that's where everyone was sitting for our shower too. So, I stood in the kitchen and just leaned on the wall trying to blend in with my surroundings. I didn't want to make the shower about me in any way shape or form. So I gave the polite "I'm good" smiles to people when I caught them glancing at me.

Then it happened. My friend started opening presents and the first one contained super cute little boy clothes. She of course held them up and showed them off. She is going to be such a proud mama to this little guy. I held back my tears as I looked at her in the same spot I was sitting at our shower, although in a different chair. The tears just sat on my eyelids and I was doing a pretty good job of holding them in until...

My friend proudly held up another outfit and looked my way with a smile. She just looked at me and said, "This is really hard for you isn't it? I just realized that." I just nodded my head to confirm her suspicions and started to weep. Dog gone it, Sara! This wasn't supposed to be about you. And I told all of my friends that. I felt horrible for crying. I felt horrible for turning the happiness of her shower into a glum, sad "Sara's crying" fest. But at the same time, I have learned since losing you, that there are sometimes when the tears just come and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.

I was grateful that just a few minutes were taken by various friends to give me hugs and to gently change the subject so I could compose myself and be ok for the rest of the party.

In the end, I can say I am proud I lived through the shower. I am definitely not biting at the bit to attend another one any time in the near future.

And when I went home, your daddy greeted me with a hug and asked how it went. Then before I went to bed, I went in and kissed each of your sisters. When I kissed your big sister I realized that she is the reason I have not lost my mind since losing you. You see, I needed to be a functioning human being in order to be her mommy and that has helped me on many days. Then I kissed your little sister too and I realized that she is what gave me hope after losing you. Without being pregnant with her and now having her with us, I don't know that I could fully appreciate what it means to hold such great hope in my soul.

Your sisters have taught me so much. Just like you have taught me too. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in life because of my wonderful kiddos. And last night I learned another one. I learned that it's ok to cry at baby showers, and I learned that it's ok to celebrate at them too.

I love you, Carter.