Will I always feel like this?

Hey Carter.

It's Friday and I'm OH-SO-HAPPY it is! It's been a long week to say the least. Your daddy left on Sunday for a week-long training. That wouldn't normally be a huge deal but then the walls came crashing down around me. Your baby sister wasn't feeling well so I took her in to the doctor on Monday afternoon. She had an ear infection. No wonder she was so fussy. So basically every night that your daddy has been gone, she has been fussy, is not sleeping well and is feeling super yucky.

Then to add insult to injury, our cat, Acadia (Cadi) wasn't feeling well. Last week we took her in to the vet for a probable UTI and they treated her for that. But this week she wasn't seeming any better so I took her in to the vet on Tuesday morning so they could check her out. Long story short, they drew blood and found out her kidneys were failing. They then hooked her up to an IV drip for 48 hours to try to flush her kidneys out and hit her with a couple of different antibiotics. (Meanwhile, Wednesday was your daddy's and my anniversary and yesterday was his birthday.) But then yesterday they called and told me that her kidney levels hadn't budged and that she had bleeding ulcers in her mouth as a result of the kidney failure. Basically, there was nothing they could do and she would need to be put to sleep. =- (

So I went to the vet to spend some time with her before she died and I am so happy I did. I had gone the night before and I am extremely grateful that I did that as well. When I got there, I held her and cried and cried and cried. I told her I was sorry I couldn't make her better. I can't even tell you how many times I apologized to her. I felt horrible. She looked at me with the saddest eyes and I knew I was doing the right thing. She tried to purr and she wagged her tail a little bit. But then she started getting worse. Right there in my arms she started getting worse. Thankfully a friend of mine told me she would be there with me and I'm so happy she was. It was hard enough having to put my kitty to sleep, but to do it without your daddy there was worse.

I left the vet and went home to be alone for a while. I just laid in my bed and tried to make sense of it all. I felt crushed. I felt defeated. I felt like a horrible pet owner. Why is it that my pets die? Why do my pets get diseases that are either totally not typical for their breed or disease that are only seen once every ten years? And then I really started thinking and ended up getting really mad. I don't understand why in the name of heck I have had three cats die, soon to be two dogs die and four kids! How is that fair? What am I supposed to learn from all of this? I don't know that it will ever make sense and I guess I should stop trying to pull answers out of this junk.

But since then I have been reminded of that gaping hole in my gut again. And feeling that hole so much again makes me wonder if it will ever stop hurting. Will I ever be whole again? Will I ever be the same carefree, innocent person without a care in the world ever again? I don't know that I will be or even can be. And part of me is glad because that means I will always remember you, but the other part of me wishes so much that I could just be normal again. Normal like I was before your daddy and I ever started trying to have kiddos. Normal and carefree and completely oblivious to the stupid, horrible and totally unfair things that happen in this world. I don't understand it, Carter. But I guess there is no sense in fighting it. I can't change my circumstances, I can only embrace who and where I am currently. It's hard though, buddy. It's hard to stay positive sometimes.

A friend of mine made a comment the other day about me and my smile. She said that I am that friend that always comes into a building with a smile but underneath that smile is a lot of stuff that's going on...but it's always covered with a smile. Is that true about me? I guess it isn't a bad thing. And the only thing I could say was that yes, I do always try to smile because in a lot of cases I could either smile or cry and for the most part I choose to smile. I am a happy person though Carter. I really am. I have just experienced my share of heartache in my 30 years on this planet. I can't focus on the heartache though (at least most of the time). I have to choose to think about the good things in my life and about what I have learned through my heartaches. Because to me, if I didn't learn from my circumstances - whether good or bad - that would be the real tragedy.

So here I am, on a Friday afternoon just waiting for the work week to end. I'm waiting to hear from your daddy that he is on his way home. And I'm waiting to camping with our family this weekend. I'm waiting for rest. I'm waiting for some peace and I'm waiting for healing...again. I'm looking forward to reading a book this weekend called I Still Believe. It was written by Jeremy Camp about his journey after his wife died of cancer. It's a book all about "Discovering hope and healing in the midst of life's deepest valleys". I'm looking forward to it. It's not a terribly long book but just reading the first page got me ready and excited (I don't know that excited is the right word) to read it.

Thankfully your big sister has been a trooper this week with everything happening. She has been a pretty good listener and has been super sweet. I'm looking forward to spending some quality time with her this weekend just playing and running and laughing. Your sisters make my heart about explode, Carter. I love them so much it hurts.

Well buddy, I suppose I should get going. I love and miss you more than you will ever know, Carter. Please give Cadi a hug from me and tell her I love and miss her too. xoxoxo