My kids

I never in all of my life thought that this would be a picture of me and all of the kids I've given birth to. But, if this is the only way I get to have a picture of me and all of you kiddos, I'll take it. As you can see, your big sister was being silly (as she always is!) and both of your sisters are in their jammies. =- ) Sometimes it's just fun to hang out in your jammies all day long!

I can't remember the last time our whole family has been out there to see you. But I was shopping the other day and found a new pinwheel for you and knew we needed to take it out to the cemetery. I think it was confusing for your big sister. She knows you are in heaven with Jesus, but I think she was a little perplexed as to how we could go visit you in a cemetery if you are with Him.

I don't think your daddy has really been around much previously when she has had her questions, so yesterday as we left the cemetery and she asked all of the hard questions, I sat and watched his heart break as he answered. She asked again about where you were and if you were with Jesus. *Ugh* I don't understand why a 3 year old should have to visit her baby brother in the cemetery. I don't understand why a 3 year old knows that sometimes babies die.

But before we left that place I sat by your headstone with you and your baby sister. And as I looked at her sweet face, I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. It was by no means a trade (you for her), but as much as it breaks my heart to think about you being gone, it breaks my heart to think that she wouldn't be here. **Double Ugh**

So, we visited you. I'm so happy we did. I miss you every day. I wish I could hold you and watch you grow. I know you and your sisters would be so fun playing together and someday, when we all get to heaven, I know you'll show them the ropes of hanging out with Jesus. Thank you for that!

I'm even happier that we visited you yesterday because this week is a special week in our family. This week your daddy turns 30 years old. And, this week is your daddy's and my 9th wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's been 9 years. We got a really sweet card from my grandpa and grandma this weekend and in it they wrote that they couldn't believe it had already been 9 years and what a bunch of heartache and joy we have experienced in that time. It's true. It's been 9 years of ups and downs and highs and lows. And I wouldn't have shared those 9 years with anyone other than your wonderful, amazing, super awesome daddy. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He holds me when I cry. He loves your sisters more than I think is humanly possible. And I know he loves and misses you with all of his heart too. I know it kills him to think about not having you here. And although he doesn't talk about it much, I know he misses you so much it hurts.

So little one, celebrate with us this week as we have so much to celebrate. We wish you were here! I love you!