Anxious

Hey Carter. I love you. I hope you are having a great day up in heaven. Are there seasons up there? It is a beautiful, Summer day here today and I wonder what it's like up there. Do you get to wear shorts? My mom/your nana didn't ever let us wear shorts unless it was going to be at least 65* that day. Does God let you wear whatever you want?

I wonder what you look like now. I wonder what you do on a daily basis. What do you think about? Do you look down and see us? It's such an abstract thing for me to try to wrap my head around. I don't know that thinking about and trying to figure it out is even something I should try to do. I know heaven is a place greater than anything I can imagine, but once...just once I would like to have a glimpse into your daily life.

I've been feeling a little anxious lately. In just 53 short days it will be your second birthday. It about makes me puke to even think about it. Last year I had all sorts of grand plans. And last year I looked very forward to your birthday. Last year I was excited for your little sister's arrival.

But this year. *sigh* This year I'm just sad and sick and torn up and anxious. This year I'm wondering what the right way to celebrate you is. This year I'm worried that I'll be so sad and feel like I'm stuck in a mud pit for your birthday and somehow, some way I am going to need to figure out how to get myself out by your sister's birthday just 3 short days later.

I should know by now that thinking about it and worrying about it won't make a lick of a difference. Thinking about it will only make me sick. I can't stop though. I need to make some sort of a plan and I think I have started to anyway. I think we'll have a quiet dinner with us and Bumpa and Nana with a balloon release and some of my running buddies (I hope) are going to go on a run with me. It seems so insignificant. It seems like it's not enough. But it also feels like maybe I shouldn't celebrate it...maybe that's just the world's view being projected on me. And don't get me wrong, Carter...I will ALWAYS celebrate your birthday, but I think the rest of the world probably looks at me and wonders why in the name of heck is she going to celebrate his second birthday? Why does she still get upset about it?

I get upset because I miss you. I cry because I miss you. It takes my breath away to think that it will be 2 years...2 years since I held you. 2 years. And it's been 2 years of grieving. 2 years of getting up each and every morning and putting a smile on my face and making it through the day. 2 years of succeeding at surviving. 2 years of living my life while you are dead. 2 years of wondering and worrying about what people think of me. 2 years have passed and I'm certain there are many people who have forgotten you even existed.

I will never forget you, Carter. I know I don't need to tell you that, but maybe I needed to tell myself. Maybe I need to remind myself that even though it's been nearly 2 years I will NEVER EVER EVER forget you. I may forget how it physically felt to hold you (I haven't yet thank goodness!), but I'll never forget the emotions I felt when I held you and kissed your face and hugged you. And I'll never forget what you looked like thanks to the NILMDTS pictures we have. It has been many, many months since I have looked at the album and to tell you the truth, I don't know when I'll look at the whole thing again. But each and every day I look at the picture in the hallway and the picture in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and think of you.

So, I guess I should start making some tentative plans for your special day.

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Ok, meltdown over.

I just got up from my desk and decided I needed to make a phone call. I realized while I was writing to you that I needed to ask for help. So I got up from my desk, with tears in my eyes, and called a friend of mine. The poor thing had no clue what was coming. We did the small talk thing for a minute or so and then I dropped the bomb on her. She wondered what I was doing and I said I was at work but was calling her because I realized I needed to reach out for help. After that I just told her flat out that I needed the help of her and another one of our friends in planning your birthday celebration. I told her I just couldn't do it. She is wonderful and didn't even hesitate to say yes. WHEW! I felt like a ten ton weight had been lifted from my shoulders. We kept talking for a while and I proceeded to completely fall apart. It was ok though. She just listened and said the perfect things at the perfect time. Thank God for good friends!

It never ceases to amaze me how much better I feel when I let people "in". Being vulnerable is a scary thing, Carter. Opening yourself up and being as raw as raw can be is a terrifying thing. I think, or maybe I just hope, people appreciate knowing what's going on in the lives of those they love and feeling needed is a good thing too. And let me tell you, I needed my friend. I needed to break down and know she cared. And I needed to be able to break down without her trying to fix it. We just talked about you and how wonderful you were. We talked about how much I miss you and how much you've changed me.

I know I've said it a thousand times before, but thank you for continuing to teach me, Carter. Thank you for teaching me to be vulnerable. Thank you for teaching me that reaching out for help is an ok thing.

I love you little boy. xoxoxo