A Case of "The Worries"

Hey you. Good morning and I love you. I hope you are doing well up there. All is seemingly well here lately. But as we all know, things aren't always as they seem. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing really wrong. There is absolutely no reason I should be worried, but I am worried none the less. I am worried that your little brother/sister is going to end up with you instead of with me. I am trying to not let that thought consume me. I am trying to remind myself that:
1) Worry is like a rocking chair. It will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere.
2)Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. Matthew 6:27
3) Cord accidents (at least the severe ones) are rare.
and the list could go on and on...
But, I am still worried. I worry because this little one seems to be more like you in utero than your sister. Now, I am fully aware too that how a baby acts inside of a person isn't indicative of whether or not they will die. But I'm still worried.
I was a little encouraged this morning when I read my email and in one of the things I'm subscribed to had these two things to say:
"Praying is talking in confidence to the One who cares." --C. Hinton

Pray without ceasing. -- I Thessalonians 5:17

I guess maybe I'll just worry my way through the rest of this pregnancy. I hope not. And I know too that worrying is not giving God all the credit He deserves in knowing that He is in control. But, I also know that God wants me to go to Him with my worries and to lay down in His lap and rest in knowing that He loves me and will truly work good in my life.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -- Romans 8:28

Like our pastor said even this last weekend, God doesn't "cause all things" but IN all things He works for good. That is reassuring. (But I'm still worried) Anyway, I think you get my point, Carter. Your mommy is struggling a bit. I am struggling because I'm a grieving mommy who buried her son not even 8 months ago. And I'm a mommy who is pregnant after a loss. And anyone who has been in those shoes KNOWS it's not an easy path to trudge. I'm grateful, but I'm not hopeful. I'm excited, but I'm not because I know that everything may be ripped out from underneath me.

Just the other day someone asked me how I was. My response was "good". But that person took pretty great offense when I said that and proceeded to tell me that I needed to work more toward "great". My head and my heart were screaming ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? HOW CAN I BE "GREAT"? MY KID IS DEAD AND I'M TOTALLY FREAKED OUT BECAUSE I WONDER EVERY DAY IF THIS ONE IS GOING TO DIE TOO!!!! But I just smiled and said, "Well, I'm not doing poor and that's a good thing." People just don't get it. Part of me dreads seeing anyone who will draw attention to this pregnancy because that means they will ask questions and be excited, and even more than that...they'll expect me to be excited, over joyed, elated...all that stuff. But really all I am is existing. I'm not a crumpled up mess on the floor. But I'm not jumping for joy either. I will settle for mediocrity. But that's ok by me.

Well, thanks for listening sweet little one. I know that you are doing well up there. I know you have everything that you could ever need up there. That brings me peace and peace is a good thing. Take care Carter. I love you!