Birthday

Hi little one.

Well, today is your mommy's birthday. It's definitely not like any other birthday I've had in all of my 29 years. I love my birthday, that will never change, but this one is just different. No mommy ever sees herself waking up on her birthday morning thinking about when she'll get to visit her baby's grave that day. No mommy ever thinks she'll have a buried baby instead of a live one to love on for her special day. But that's my day. That's where I am today. I woke up and was sad. I got to work and I was sad.

But then I had so many wonderful, loving messages from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday. I got to talk to some of those people and they seem to always know how to make me feel better. So many of them have also been "this mommy"...they are "this mommy". They are either awaiting their first birthday without their babies or they have experienced it and can say to me, yup, it's hard, and I love you. What a blessing those mommies are to me.

Then some of my other friends took me out to lunch for my birthday (your daddy came too :) ). It was nice to sit and chat with my buddies. Then at the end of our meal, our server and a bunch of other servers came out, sang happy birthday to me, and gave me an ice cream sundae. It was wonderful. I apparently turned quite red when they came walking out and while they sang, my friends just giggled at how embarrassed I was. ;) (People don't see me like that much!)

After they were done singing to me and they all walked away I just started crying. My friends, and your sweet daddy, just sat there and let me shed those tears that so desperately needed to fall. I was so touched by my friends being so wonderful to me. I was touched that they had those people come sing to me. And I was thinking again about being "that mommy" who is dealing with the loss of her baby. They understood that. They understood that I just needed to cry a little bit and that I would be ok afterward. Sure enough, after that we laughed some more, especially when I said how awkward it would have been if I had started crying while those people were singing to me. ;)

To have people in my life like them makes this world a better place. To have friends and family who tell me that I am a blessing, and that they love that I am in their lives, makes this road a little easier to walk down. I am truly blessed, Carter. Truly blessed. One of my friends said to me that I need to remember that you re sitting on Jesus' lap and that you and He are singing happy birthday to me. What an honor to have a son sitting with Jesus thinking of me on my special day. Thank you Carter. I love you!