Hey little one

I love you!

It's Monday again and life for your family has been busy, but that's not a bad thing I guess. This weekend your daddy helped Nana and Bumpa build a garage and I participated in my third triathlon for the summer. It was a busy weekend and I'm tired today but I'm glad that your daddy was able to help and I am very happy I got to do another tri.

I love getting the opportunity to exercise. It is one of the only things I get to do for myself and it helps me immensely. It helps me to feel better about my physical self and it helps me feel much better mentally too. I was telling someone just yesterday actually that exercising is probably one of the best things I can do for your sisters. I take a lot of pride in exercising and I love the time I get to spend with my friends. Running/biking/swimming gives me time to clear my head when I'm upset. If I'm feeling sad or upset I can go on a run and I'll almost always feel better when I get back.

I have actually been in a funk again lately. I am going through the stupid anger stage of grief. I just haven't been on the same page as God lately and I've been questioning His reasoning and rationale in this path I'm on. Basically, I'm ticked off. I'm mad again that you are gone. I don't understand why in the name of heck you are gone. Now granted...I know physically why you are gone. Of course I know that...but WHY? why are you gone? Why is it fair that you are not here with me? Why is it fair that I have to think about you being dead? So, that's where I've been again lately. And I was thinking a lot about that this weekend. I thought about it a lot on my way to the tri yesterday and I was angry even before the race started. I did get to share with a complete stranger about you when she asked the seemingly innocent question of "How many kids do you have?" People really don't know how to respond when I say I have two living kiddos. So I got to tell her about you and that made me happy.

The thing that amazed me though is that I was super upset before the race but after the race I didn't feel angry anymore. I felt some peace again. I think it's crazy that something as simple as running my hiney off can clear my head and make the world seem like a better place.

I wish you could be there to watch me race though, buddy. I take a lot of pride in racing and I take a lot of pride in having your big sister cheering for me. I just wish you could see me. I would love to take you running with me. I would love to have you smile and yell "Go Mama!" when I ran past you in a race. I wouldn't run past before giving you a kiss and a hug though because that's what life is all about!

Life, to me anyway, is about the people and the relationships that I have. Life is about smiling and making people smile. Life is about waking up in the morning and living in a way that I can go to bed at night and feel good about who I am as a person. I go to bed every night knowing that I have tried my best to be the best person I can be. I want to be someone that your sisters and Daddy can be proud of. I want to be the kind of mommy that I think you would brag to your friends in heaven about. And I want to be the "Sara" that I think I should be.

Well little one, I suppose I should catch up on some other things. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for always being on my mind. And thank you for being the best son a mommy could ask for. I love you!