Sobbing

Why can't there be a way that I can wake up from this bad dream? Why do I have to sit here wondering why it hurts so bad to think about you? I don't understand it, Carter. I don't understand why even after 1 year 9 months 2 weeks and 1 day I can sob when I think about you being gone. I don't like hurting like this but I can't imagine not feeling like this either. I haven't cried like this in a VERY long time and I think in some ways it was long overdue.

I am at a conference for a couple of days and it has been good for me I think. Mainly because I feel completely unstable and it is probably a good thing I can have some time for myself to just fall apart without having to worry about your sisters or your daddy. I can just sit here and cry in my hotel room. I can weep because I miss you so much it makes my stomach churn. I can sit here and think about the things that "should be". All of the dreams that died when you did. All of the things I am missing by not having you here with me. I think about you right now and as much as I want to feel joy...I just can't. Today I just hurt. Today it makes me sick. And for today I guess that is ok. I was sitting at dinner tonight chit-chatting with a friend through work who knows we lost you and it made me super happy when she said your name. She asked about you and where you were buried. To hear someone say your name without me prompting it makes my mama's heart happy. She will likely never know what that meant to me. But I will be forever grateful to her for talking about my sweet little boy...you...my wonderful, amazing, perfect Carter Alan Janes. The sound of your name brings a smile to my face and to hear it makes me super happy. I think that is probably because it helps me to know that the entire world hasn't forgotten about you. Like I've said before, that is my greatest fear. I can't fathom a world without you in it...even if it is only through pictures and the occasional mention of your name, I'll take it.

I am sitting here writing to you and the tears are still falling. They are more sporadic than they were even five minutes ago, but they are falling none-the-less. I am listening to the playlist I have here on my blog to you and all of the songs bring tears to my eyes. These songs bring me right back to the time after we lost you. These songs include so many of the words I could never find a way to express. You are my wonderful, special boy. You deserve all of the wonderful things of this world yet you are gone.

I wonder at times if I am too sad. I wonder if I need to be on medication for this probable depression I feel. But then again I remind myself that most of the time I don't feel like this. I just don't know Carter. I don't know the right way to feel. I don't know if I am normal, but then again I've never been normal so what the heck can I compare myself to! ;- )

I guess the best thing I can do is ask people to pray for me. I need to humble myself enough to ask for prayers from the people who love me. Every time I have felt down in the past and have asked for prayers I have felt lifted up almost immediately and that is a good feeling. I know I need to fall at the feet of God. I feel like I have collapsed there though and I guess that is an ok thing. I can't stay on my feet all the time and knowing that I can collapse in a heap at the throne of the God of the universe is at least a little comforting. So pray for me, Carter. Put in a good word with God for your mama again ok? And send me angel kisses while I sleep please. I need to feel your presence. I love you so much. Good night.