Sick of it?

Happy Friday, Carter. I am so happy it's nearly the weekend. Happy that I'll have some time to hopefully decompress and just veg a bit. It's been a week filled with many, many emotions.

Speaking of emotions, I can't even remember where I was but earlier this week someone asked me if I was done with/sick of being pregnant yet. My thought was simply, no. No, I am not sick of this. Yes, I've been pregnant for a long time if you consider being prego with you too, but this time is so different. Yes, I am warm...but it's the summer time so it's supposed to be warm. Yes, I am struggling with all the weight I am gaining and the seemingly constant comments about how "big" I look. But, your little sister is growing just like she should and I am so very grateful for that. I on the other hand will just work my tail off once Abby is here safe and sound so I can feel good about myself again. Yes, I am having troubles sleeping because I can't get comfortable. But that's ok too.

I am truly trying my best to enjoy every day I have with Abby. I am grateful for each and every move I feel from her. I am grateful that she seems as healthy and as perfect as a baby at 31 weeks gestation can. I am grateful for so many things. I am so very grateful for your daddy who, despite my crankiness and irritability and so many unpleasant qualities, loves me. I am grateful for your big sister who each morning gives me the sweetest smiles and tells me she loves me.

I am hoping and praying that I will remain grateful like this until little Abby safely makes her appearance. I was looking online today and saw this verse that gives me great hope for what will (see I'm hoping and trying to be more positive) happen here in less than two months.

You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done. Psalm 92:4 NLT

I am waiting to once again be thrilled by God. I know I am loved by Him and I am truly grateful for God's love for me which is more than I could ever imagine, but I want to speak those words at the beginning of September with a smile across my face that goes from ear to ear.

I love you, Carter.

Different Room, Different Nurse, Positive Outcome

Well Carter, I made it. I made it through a non-stress test, successfully! Thank God!

I started to worry more last night when your daddy said he wasn't going to be able to make it to the appointment. So my anxiety level started to creep up from there. Just thinking about being alone again...whew...

But today, your little sister was kicking up a storm all morning and even into the afternoon before the appointment. That was a good feeling.

Then I had to actually get up, walk out to the car and drive myself to the appointment. That's when I started to act probably a little more quiet than usual.

I drove myself there just fine. I walked into the office just fine. And I know it sounds dumb, but I even chose a different chair than I sat in when we found out about you. Call me superstitious, but there was no way I was going to sit in the same place! So then they called my name and much to my surprise, it was a different nurse (relief...not that I don't like the other one...but seeing a different one probably helped!). And then we walked right past the room (another relief) to the other room where they do the NSTs. Then I saw my friend that works there and when she asked me how I was doing and how Abby was doing, that's when I started crying. The tears just filled my eyes. It wasn't a horrible cry. I wasn't in hysterics. But the emotions definitely got to me.

Then once we got into the room I cried some more as they got ready to put the monitors on my tummy. But once they had them on there, you could hear little Abby's heart just beating away. Praise God! The print-out looked great according to the nurse and the doctor. Abby is measuring right where she should. And we scheduled the induction for September 1st.

All in all, it was uneventful and that's a good thing. I was surrounded by people who were empathetic toward me and my situation which is reassuring. I felt truly cared about and for that I am grateful!

Stressed about a Non-Stress Test

Hey buddy. I love you and I've been thinking about you a lot lately. But that's no different than usual I guess.

My thoughts have been a little frazzled in the last couple of days though. And, I think I know why.

Tomorrow I start going in for my weekly non-stress tests on Abby.

It sounds simple enough. It sounds like something that should bring your mommy relief instead of stress but I'm having "flashbacks" (I guess that's the only thing I can really call them) to when we lost you.

See when I hadn't felt you move all night and finally called the doctor's office the next morning, they told me to come in to the office at 9am for a non-stress test just to be sure everything was okey dokey with you.


So in I went for the appointment with a knot in my stomach because I think my heart already knew you were gone but my head wouldn't believe it. Your daddy had no idea I was even at the doctor's office because I didn't want to worry him. And when it was time for the appointment they took me back into this nice little room with a super comfy recliner to sit in while they did the non-stress test on you. Then they started looking for your heartbeat. They looked high, and low with the fetal heart rate monitor. They looked left and right. While they did, I just sat in the chair choking back the tears because I knew me being in hysterics was not ideal for them to find your heartbeat. There were a couple of times when they thought they found your little heartbeat. But then they would try to count the beats while watching the second hand on a watch and holding my wrist feeling my pulse. They couldn't find your heartbeat...they tried and tried and tried and tried. So finally they went and got a doctor who could take me back for a quick ultrasound and I called your daddy and told him he needed to come to the office right away because I hadn't felt you move and that they were going to take me in for an ultrasound.

So there you have it. The thought of non-stress tests and the (potential, yet unlikely)outcome, and that dang chair totally FREAK me out. Thankfully when I joked with our doctor at our last appointment about me coming in for the NST as long as he would bring the brown paper bag for me to breath into, he just reassured me and told me we could do the typical, check baby's heart rate and measure, check-up prior to the NST to hopefully give me some comfort. And your daddy is planning on being there tomorrow (and hopefully for all of them) which is a really good thing.

I'm just stressed and I'm pretty sure that's a normal feeling considering what happened at the only NST I've ever had. But still, I feel like I'm on pins and needles and am really nervous about that dang test. So little boy, be there with me and your daddy tomorrow as we go in for this (seemingly routine) test. I need all the comfort I can get.

I love you Carter!

Goal Setting

Hi you! I love you!

I have a confession to make.

I am terrible, horrible, pitiful at setting goals. I always have been. I don't know why. I just am.

But, I have a goal now. :) I have always been a very active person. Some people would probably even call me crazy. I just LOVE to exercise. I love to compete in triathlons especially. There is a problem with that though. Because of my miscarriages, I am not allowed to exercise while pregnant. The only thing I am really allowed to do is walk, and to an exercise freak like me, that's boring! With all that being said, I still try to take a couple of quick walks during "break time" at work.

With not being allowed to exercise, which is my stress reliever, and probably not making the healthiest food choices while pregnant, I gain lots of weight with my pregnancies. And I think that being pregnant for basically 2 years straight is taking its toll on my body. So I'm frustrated, and I usually vent my frustrations by exercising but instead, I've been eating. (Yeah, not healthy I know!)

I have been looking very forward to getting the opportunity to excercise again once Abby is born. As far as I am concerned, that time can't come soon enough. You see Carter, I started exercising 2 days after I had you and only 5 days after your big sister. (Enter term "crazy" once again!)

But today I was talking to someone and a program I had heard of previously was brought into the conversation. It is called "Couch to 5k running plan"

So, here's where the goal setting comes in! Yeah, it probably doesn't seem like much of a goal since it is something similar to what I would probably be doing anyway. But, I think it will work really well for me because it will get me up to doing some moderate exercise again relatively quickly and it will also force me to use moderation.

I can't wait! I can't wait to take your big sister with me on my runs. She loves talking about how her daddy plays softball and it makes me sad that she doesn't associate anything active with her mommy. So, I printed the schedule off for the training and will hopefully stick with it so I can get out running with all of my crazy running buddies again! (Yes, I actually have quite a few friends that I get together with specifically to exercise. Enter once again term "crazy"! But at least I'm not the only crazy one! Crazy does love company.)

I wish I could take you out for runs. I wish I could teach you all about being physically active and show you what wonderful things it does for your mind. But instead, I'll just have to tell you about it by writing to you. I guess that's good enough for now. :(

I just want you to be proud of your mommy. I love you.

Some hope and excitement

Hi Carter! I love you!!!!!

Well, it's been a while again (seems as though that's how I begin every time I write to you...sorry!)

Life has been...well I guess just life lately.

In the midst of life being life though I did take a big step and bought your little sister a couple of special blankies and an outfit to come home in (fingers crossed, and saying lots of prayers still).

I think the blankie is just as cute as can be and that little dress...oh my goodness, the tights with the slippers on the feet sold me!

So, it seems as though I am finally either allowing myself, or maybe just am finally able to be somewhat excited about little Abby. It's a good thing, but scary as heck too.

All in terms of Abby seem to be going as well as they possibly could and that makes me really happy. They are starting weekly non-stress tests on us next week. I'm looking forward to the (hopefully) relief it brings.

With all of that good stuff happening you'd think I was just sailing along. But, I'm not. We found out last week (long story leading up to this point) that our cat, Crater, has a degenerative disease...basically kitty MS...that will eventually make him lame in his back legs, incontenent, and eventually we will have to choose to put him to sleep. He's such a good boy, Carter. He's wonderful with your big sister. He's super loving and just an all around great cat. So when I took him in to our local vet yesterday and had to talk to him about what we can/can't do and when we will have to make the choice to put him to sleep it really bummed me out.

Well buddy, I suppose I should get some things done. I hope you are having a good day. Happy 10 month heavenly birthday (2 days late...sorry!) I love you!

Bad Dreams and Well-Meaning Friends

Hey buddy!

Sorry it's been a while again since I last wrote to you. Your daddy, sister and I took a trip to Chicago for a week. It was really nice to go there and to spend some time as a family. I had to work some too, since the whole reason we originally made the trip was because I had a conference, but mainly we just had some quality family time.

I've been doing really well with everything lately until two nights ago. You see, I had a horrible dream. I had a dream that your little sister, Abby, was born but then she was dead. I don't know if she died before she was born or afterward, but I know she was gone.

So, I woke up in the morning and proceeded to freak out (internally) the whole day. I asked for prayers and truly felt them.

Then last night one of my friends sent me a message just to see how I was doing. She is super sweet. She truly cares about me and my well-being. It made me feel better and then I told her that I was afraid of losing not just you but Abby too. Her response to me was, God won't do that to you.

It hurt.

I know she was meaning to comfort me. I know she was trying to make me feel better.

But, all I could think was...I don't think God "did" that to me when we lost you. Thoughts like that would make me doubt God until the end of time. Thoughts like that make me (slightly but not really) wonder if there is something I can/could/should "do" to guarantee that I don't lose another child.

You see Carter, I believe that crap happens. Bad, BAD, REALLY HORRIBLE BAD things happen in this world. And I know that in God is in control of what happens (way too complicated for me to even begin to comprehend) but I also TRULY believe that He didn't "DO" this to me. Why would God want to see me in such horrible pain? Why would God kill my baby? All the whys. All the what ifs. They are too hard for me. They are too much to comprehend.

So today I'm still upset. But I'm trying not to think about it because there is truly no answer that will ever be good enough for my questions until I meet my Maker. And until then, I'm not going to doubt His love for me (at least not on purpose).

Tomorrow is our next appointment and I plan on asking the doctor when we can start the weekly non-stress tests on Abby. I'm hoping that will make me feel better. I am also planning on putting our doppler in my purse tonight so I can listen to her heartbeat whenever I want to. Today has been rough because she wasn't moving much and that freaked me out. So, hopefully having that at my disposal whenever and where ever will help.

Thanks for listening, Carter. Life is rough some times. I don't get it. But writing it out to you seems to bring me some relief. I love you!

Usually OK

Hey Carter.

Well, I truly am "usually ok" with everything. I'm usually ok with thinking about you and being in my little safe and comfortable zone.

But then things like this happen. =- (

I was sitting here at my desk at work and in walks an acquaintance/used to be co-worker of mine. Now that might not sound so bad but you see, Carter, she has a grandson who was born one week (to the day, only 1 dang week) younger than you! She walked in with her daughter and her grandson and I swear that for a split second, I thought about diving under my desk to hide! (She had already seen me though so that would have just looked really funny!) And when she walked in she said, we brought him in just to see Sara! She and her daughter were so excited to show him off to me. They definitely fit the elated mommy and grandma description.

So, there he was, sitting on his grandma's lap right in front of me. I choked back the tears and thankfully they stayed away. I didn't say much. I didn't even pretend like I wanted to hold him. I just sat there and thought about you. How was I supposed to think about anything but you in that situation? How was I supposed to look at how big he was and not wonder how big you would be? How was I supposed to look at the teeth in his mouth and not wonder how many teeth you would have? I just sat there with my head seemingly in outer-space and thought about you. I thought about how much it sucks that you aren't here. It sucks that I can't bring you in to work to show you off to everyone. I thought about how much it sucks that you are dead.

I have no idea how long they stayed. I know that it felt like an eternity to me.

Once they left I took a deep breath and I didn't even start crying then. I did sigh and tell one of my co-workers that I was grateful to have made it through that situation. He looked at me kind of strangely and so I elaborated.

After that, I just needed to run away. I needed to disappear for a little while. So, I called my very dear friend that works in a building across the way and told her I was going to visit her. She was obviously confused and asked me why. I told her that I just was! =- )

So, I went over there and she took me into their conference room and just let me cry. She didn't try to make it better. She didn't try to reason with me. She just let me cry and she listened. I didn't just cry a little bit...I was nearly in hysterics at a couple points. But it didn't matter. She just sat there and let me be who I needed to be in that instant. She let me be your mommy...your mommy who misses you more than you will ever know. She let me break down and then she was there to help me back up and pick up all the pieces when I was done crying. She is an amazing friend, Carter. I am so grateful for her. And I know you have tons of friends just like that up there too. It's an amazing gift!

I love you little boy. I miss you so much.