Stressed about a Non-Stress Test

Hey buddy. I love you and I've been thinking about you a lot lately. But that's no different than usual I guess.

My thoughts have been a little frazzled in the last couple of days though. And, I think I know why.

Tomorrow I start going in for my weekly non-stress tests on Abby.

It sounds simple enough. It sounds like something that should bring your mommy relief instead of stress but I'm having "flashbacks" (I guess that's the only thing I can really call them) to when we lost you.

See when I hadn't felt you move all night and finally called the doctor's office the next morning, they told me to come in to the office at 9am for a non-stress test just to be sure everything was okey dokey with you.


So in I went for the appointment with a knot in my stomach because I think my heart already knew you were gone but my head wouldn't believe it. Your daddy had no idea I was even at the doctor's office because I didn't want to worry him. And when it was time for the appointment they took me back into this nice little room with a super comfy recliner to sit in while they did the non-stress test on you. Then they started looking for your heartbeat. They looked high, and low with the fetal heart rate monitor. They looked left and right. While they did, I just sat in the chair choking back the tears because I knew me being in hysterics was not ideal for them to find your heartbeat. There were a couple of times when they thought they found your little heartbeat. But then they would try to count the beats while watching the second hand on a watch and holding my wrist feeling my pulse. They couldn't find your heartbeat...they tried and tried and tried and tried. So finally they went and got a doctor who could take me back for a quick ultrasound and I called your daddy and told him he needed to come to the office right away because I hadn't felt you move and that they were going to take me in for an ultrasound.

So there you have it. The thought of non-stress tests and the (potential, yet unlikely)outcome, and that dang chair totally FREAK me out. Thankfully when I joked with our doctor at our last appointment about me coming in for the NST as long as he would bring the brown paper bag for me to breath into, he just reassured me and told me we could do the typical, check baby's heart rate and measure, check-up prior to the NST to hopefully give me some comfort. And your daddy is planning on being there tomorrow (and hopefully for all of them) which is a really good thing.

I'm just stressed and I'm pretty sure that's a normal feeling considering what happened at the only NST I've ever had. But still, I feel like I'm on pins and needles and am really nervous about that dang test. So little boy, be there with me and your daddy tomorrow as we go in for this (seemingly routine) test. I need all the comfort I can get.

I love you Carter!