What will tomorrow bring?

Well, we were lucky enough to get an appointment with the pediatric dermatologist tomorrow morning at 8:30 in Denver. They are waiting to authorize an MRI until we’ve had a consultation with a doctor. I am very grateful. At the same time, I am freaked out. What will happen? What will they tell us? Is your little sister going to be ok? There are so many things running through my mind right now…it’s no wonder I can’t sleep. I’m hoping we will have an uneventful trip down there and that things will be laid out as simply as they can be and that little Abigail will be just fine. I am also realistic (or maybe it’s pessimistic) enough to know that may or may not be the case.

I’m hoping that this isn’t the last picture I took of your little sister before we knew she had major issues.
I can’t even pray. I just can’t. I am grateful for all of the prayers offered on our behalf, but I just can’t pray right now. All of the “what ifs” are running through my mind and I can’t fathom something being wrong with her. What would I do? I know that God loves her and loves me, but come on…I just want to get a break. I just want things to be normal…I mean really “normal” for once. So for now, I’ll just ride along on the prayers of others. I believe that God understands where I am right now. I believe that regardless of my inability to put together any semblance of a prayer, He is still carrying me through this difficult time. At least, that’s what I hope. I do pray/hope that your little sister will be fine. But what if she’s not?

Where will I go from here? What will I do? What will tomorrow bring? Will it bring any answers or will they need to run tests? I just can’t process all of it right now. I am hoping for answers but I also know that just looking at her little head may not be enough. I know that there will be a lot of people praying for us while we are down there and that’s exactly what we need. Like I said, I’m relying on the prayers of others to carry me through this.

I feel like there are a million things running through my head right now but for some reason I am not really able to put them into logical thoughts that can be written out. I’m sure that’s from the stress of it all and from being exhausted. It doesn’t help either that we are leaving for the appointment in just seven short hours and I still haven’t gotten to sleep.

We are really lucky to have such wonderful friends. Some of those friends volunteered to have your big sister stay with them tonight so she wouldn’t have to get up super early in the morning. So, I was over at their house for a while tonight just hanging out and then she didn’t want to go to sleep so I had to spend more time than I had anticipated trying to get her to sleep so she wouldn’t be scared. The work of a mommy is never done, that’s for sure! I just hope she sleeps ok and that she doesn’t wake up scared during the night or in the morning.

Well, I suppose…I’m definitely not getting to sleep any faster by just sitting her typing. I will talk to you again soon, Carter. I love you. Sweet dreams.

Abby’s Handprint From God

Hey little guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and hope you are doing well up there. Everything is going pretty well down here. Your big sister is doing well at “school” and is still LOVING your little sister. It makes my heart very happy to see them together.

Just the other day your little sister was crying so your big sister decided she needed to be a big helper and picked her up and carried her to me. I freaked out! =- ) She was very proud of herself! Looking back, it was pretty sweet and now she thinks she needs to “help” even more. This morning she even helped your daddy load her into her car seat.

Speaking of today, your little sister had a doctor’s appointment this morning. You see, little Abby was born with a spot on her head…well I guess it isn’t just a spot. It’s a birthmark. Your Nana said once that she believes that is where God had his hand on her head throughout my entire pregnancy. It’s a nice thought and I think she is right. So this morning your daddy and I took her to the dermatologist to have it looked at just as a precaution. Another reason we wanted to take her in is because when your big sister went to the neurologist for her seizures one of the first things they asked us was what kinds of birthmarks and/or moles she had. I guess when babies are just forming the tissue that forms the skin is the same tissue that forms the brain. And some times if there are abnormalities in the skin, such as birthmarks or moles, they can be indications of abnormalities in the brain.

So, to the doctor we went. And we weren’t at the doctor very long before we were told they would like little Abby to see a pediatric dermatologist and have an MRI at Denver Children’s Hospital just as a precaution. The doctor didn’t like that the birthmark is on her head. She also didn’t like that it is so large and finally she didn’t like the color(s) of it.

Now we are waiting to hear back on the authorization from insurance before we can even schedule the appointment. (Stupid insurance!) I’m trying not to worry. I’m trying not to think the worst of what could be wrong with her. Even the doctor got tears in her eyes today when we were talking about losing you and now having this happen to Abby. So, I guess there is nothing I can do other than pray that everything is ok with Abby and that God keeps His hand on her little head.

Too much time

Hi buddy. I am sorry it has been so long since I have written to you. The only real excuse I have is life with a new baby. A bad excuse, I know. But I've been so tired lately and your little sister doesn't really like being put down for extended periods of time. =- )

A lot has happened since I last wrote to you though. I am a parent coordinator for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, so when a baby dies, I am the one that gets the call to set up a photographer. It's an honor to be that person, but it's stinkin' hard sometimes too. I got a really tough call on October 2nd. A little boy who was 31 days old was brought to our hospital and they were unable to save his life. So, they were looking for a photographer to take some final pictures of the little guy. The reason it was so hard is because your little sister was born just one day after that little guy. Needless to say, I hugged both of your sisters a little tighter that day and try my best to hug and love on them extra even now.

A really good thing has happened since I wrote too. I mentioned a while back that our church was going to be doing something special because of you and that special project has been a success and hopefully will continue to grow.

Our project is called "Carter's Cause" and the point of it is to raise money to purchase headstones for the little babies buried by you that don't have one. I am SO proud to say that we have raised enough money to purchase one headstone! Now I just need to contact the funeral home so they can let the family know. Our church was so generous and they really stepped forward when we asked them to donate in your name. You continue to amaze me with all of your little ways of changing the world. It's still hard for me to believe you've been gone for 13 months now, but it's comforting to know that your memory lives on and will always. You are a little guy with quite a reputation! Good work! I love you, Carter!

Well, that is a quick update on what's been happening with us lately. I hope you are doing well up there. I miss you so very much and love you more than you will ever know.

Your things

Hey Carter! Well, we are adjusting well to having two living kiddos at home. As well as a family possibly can I guess! ;- ) It is nice to have your daddy home with us. I think that is the reason I have not gone crazy yet.

Your little sister wore a very special outfit today. I kept a few of your clothes and she wore one of the outfits today. It made me very happy to put her in it. She looked so cute. It was bittersweet though.I can't tell you how many times I have thought about how life is now and the complexities of the "perfect-ness" of it. Having Abby and Hannah seems so perfect. But no matter how I look at it, I don't know that I could ever say I wouldn't change it. That is far to complicated to even begin to think about. It's complicated because if we hadn't miscarried during our first three pregnancies, we wouldn't have Hannah and if you hadn't died, we wouldn't have Abby. When I married your daddy 8 years ago I couldn't have imagined my life and the things that have happened in it. But, the things that have happened have made me the person I am today. And for that, I am grateful.

Yesterday, Abby and I went to visit you again. It is such a nice place and I love to take your sisters out there. As complicated as it will be to explain you to them as they grow up, I will always include you in their lives and in my "kid count".

I have been feeling pretty good lately. I am nearing the end of my third week of working out and it feels really good to be active again. I think without exercising, those dreaded baby blues would creep in. For the most part, I don't think I am having much, if any, post-partum depression. There are times when I still struggle with things, especially when I hear about other people losing their babies or about little ones that are sick. But, I think that is to be expected. I think when you lose a child, hearing about others who are facing the same thing affects you differently than it does if you haven't suffered a loss.

I am extremely grateful for the life I am living. I am grateful for each and every day with "my girls". I miss you like crazy and I hope you are having fun up there. Please take care of the new little ones that are joining you. I know of at least two mommies that have lost their babies just this week. Those first moments, days and weeks are such a struggle but to know that our babies are safe in the arms of Jesus is at least a little bit of a comfort.

I love you Carter. I should probably get ready for bed. Abby is sleeping for now, but that probably won't last so I should get ready while I can! I love you, I love you, I love you!

She's here, she's healthy and she's beautiful!

Hey big brother! You are officially a middle child now. (Sorry about that! lol)

Little Abigail Faith made it here safely on September 1st at 12:41 pm. She came flying out! Everything went well during the labor all except for right toward the end when her heart was decelerating with the contractions. Her little heartrate dropped to 60 bpm time after time but thankfully it would recover when the contractions would end. Then when it was time to push, she came in one contraction...only three pushes.

I couldn't believe she was finally here. I just looked at her and my only thought for a while was, oh my gosh, she's not dead...what do I do with her? I'm sure that sounds horrible, but it was all I could think.

Now, she's two weeks old and she's absolutely perfect. She is a good eater. She is a pretty good sleeper. And she is easy to console (she's a major fan of being swaddled!)
She looks a lot more like you and me than your sister and daddy. That seems to be both a blessing and a sad reminder at times. I am grateful that I will always have a glimpse into what you would have probably looked like growing up, but I'm sad in ways too. It's such a mixed bag.

Your big sister is Abby's BIGGEST fan! I took Hannah to "school" today and had Abby along with for the first time. Hannah LOVED showing her little sister off to all of her friends and teachers. She kept asking all of her friends if they wanted to touch Abby. It was cute. She's very proud of her little sister. It's odd though, there is probably at least once a day that Hannah calls her Carter. She loves you too, little boy.
We took Abby out to the cemetery last week to meet you. It was a nice visit. Please know that your sisters will grow up knowing everything they possibly could about their brother. You are and will always be a wonderful blessing.

Well little one, I suppose I should get going. Your little sister is sleeping currently but that could change quite quickly! Take care and I'll talk to you again soon! Congratulations on being a big brother! I love you!

Your Day

Good morning, Carter! Well, yesterday was your special day. It was your first heavenly birthday and I can’t think of anything I would have changed about it.

We spent the first part of the weekend getting things ready and cakes baked for your party. So there wasn’t much time to just sit around and feel sad. That’s probably a good thing. Saturday evening I did get a little sad though when I sat there and thought about the timing of the day and about what was happening a year ago at that time.
Your daddy woke up on your birthday pretty sad and that made me really sad for him. So, before church we went to visit you. I think that helped him. Church was good too and after we left there he seemed much better.

Your birthday party was a nice time. We had lots of people come and I was happy when someone pointed out to me that I had done a really good job of making it a “happy” thing. That is exactly what I wanted. Everyone knew why they were there and why we were celebrating, I didn’t want to make it a downer of a party.

I loved your balloon release. It was my FAVORITE part! We gave balloons to everyone there and let them know they could write on their balloon if they wished. Then we let them go. It was great. It was very special and I’m glad we did it. I’m not sure what most people did after we let them go, but I just sat there on the ground watching all of the balloons floating to the north and out of sight. After I couldn’t see them anymore, I noticed people standing around talking again and it was perfect. We honored you and that was everything I wanted. I am grateful.


I can’t believe you are a year old now. It doesn’t seem possible. But you can rest assured that I will always celebrate you on your birthdays and that I will keep your memory alive the best I can!
I love you!

No amount of preparation could be enough

Hey you. Well, it’s amazing how life can go from simply floating along to class five rapids in a boat without air and no life jacket on.

Don’t get me wrong, things are still going along smoothly with the things I last wrote to you about. Your birthday party is planned for and ready to be celebrated. Your sister’s arrival is still scheduled and we are ready for it.

BUT……………

Then life happens…things happen that you don’t expect and that you can’t fathom. It all started on Sunday when two of your dogs got into a fight. That doesn’t sound terribly complicated except for the fact that this is the second fight in less than two months and both have required veterinary care for one of the dogs involved. To add to the complication of it all, your Buddy dog would not stop fighting your Sequoia dog even after I had broken a rake over his back and continued hitting him with the handle of it. And after the fight was done, he growled and snarled at me.

It worries me, because he’s getting more and more aggressive not only toward other dogs but he squared off with me too. =- ( I can’t imagine what would happen if even by chance one of your sisters got in the middle of a dog fight. I didn’t know what to do so your daddy and I talked to our vet when we picked Sequoia up yesterday and his words to us were basically, you have a dangerous dog and he needs to be put down.

I am such an animal lover, Carter. I didn’t think I would ever be faced with having to put an animal down due to aggression. It is breaking my heart. I don’t want people to think I am choosing to do this. If I thought there was any other way, I would choose that path instead. But with Buddy’s hip dysplasia, the amount of pain and pain medication that go along with it, and his increasing aggression I could not in good conscience give him to anyone.
It’s so hard. I feel horrible. I feel guilty. I feel like I’ve failed as Buddy’s owner.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that we are on the verge of your birthday and Abby’s arrival. Add hormones to the mix, and it’s a wonder I’m still functioning and am not a soggy heap of tears on the floor.

It’s not fair. I don’t want him to die. I don’t want to think about our house without him. And to think about your kitty-cat, Crater, getting worse and worse and the impending decision we will have to make on putting him down, it’s tough. It’s so tough. I will be without 3 of my boys – you, Buddy and Crater - in such a short amount of time.

Why does crap like this happen?

I did get some great news today though too!!! I am officially going to be the auntie to a little boy. Your uncle (my brother) and aunt found out just today that they are having a little boy. I’m super excited for them!

I cried though when I listened to a song that your uncle played on their way home from the doctor’s appointment. I had never heard “Anything Like Me” by Brad Paisley before. And when I listened to the words about all of the “boy stuff” it made me cry. I will never have that. All of those dreams…all of those fun boy things like football and girlfriends will never be a part of my life’s story. It sucks. I am excited that I will get to live out those fun moments through your cousin, but I wish I could live them out with you AND your cousin together. =- ( I bet you two would be a lot alike.

This isn’t the way it should be. I shouldn’t be sitting her at my computer crying about more of the “nevers“ of your life. I shouldn’t have to tell your sisters and cousins about you and your life. You should be living your life alongside them.

THIS SUCKS!

Well Carter, I suppose I should get going. There’s not much I can do about today but take some deep breaths and know that tomorrow is another day. Even if it is a day I don’t want to think about because of your Buddy dog being put down…it’s still another day. =- ( And the sun will probably shine. I love you little one.