Your Song

I've been meaning to write this to you for a while now but just haven't gotten around to bringing the notebook to work until today. Your daddy wrote a song for you. I cried the first time I heard him sing it and I've cried many other times he has sung it as well. He is going to sing it at church on Mother's Day and our pastor is going to do a sermon based on it. I guess I will need to bring some tissues! I don't know that it has a title. But I do know that it has all sorts of love and every imaginable emotion from you daddy in it. He loves you little one. He loves and misses you more than you can imagine.
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Every night we opened our hearts to God.
We thanked Him for our life and for our family.
We prayed please God would you grow us by one.
We prayed God bring us our son.

How can I know?
How can I be sure?
How can I know he's with You?

As the date grew closer our excitement grew too.
We received gifts from friends and prayers from family.
Then it happened we were told he was gone.
On that day we held our son.

How can I know?
How can I be sure?
How can I know he's with You?

Once You said bring the children to me.
Once You promised heaven belonged to ones such as these.
We hand him over as Your arms are open wide.
Now we know he's with You.

How can I know?
How can I be sure?
How can I know he's with you?

Questions and 1st Words

Hi baby boy. Well, once again I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. Please remember that even if I don't write to you regularly I still think about you each and every single day.

Things have been ok at home lately. Your big sister was testing limits for a while but just this week seems to be settling into her old, sweet self again. Whew! She has said lots of funny things lately. Just the other night she was pretending to be a mama by putting earrings, a necklace and other fun things on. I about lost it when I was calling for her to come help me with something and she came out of her room, tilted her head and said "What sweetie?" Oh my goodness. She is such a good pretender. Then a while later she wasn't listening and told me that I was the kiddo and needed to listen to her. I then informed her that when she wasn't listening I was no longer the kiddo, but rather the mad mama. She got a real sad look on her face and said she didn't want me to be a mad mama because that made her sad. lol! Oh yeah, I forgot! Yesterday morning when I took her to school in the morning she was singing and singing and singing. I told her that she was a beautiful singer and do you know what her response to me was? She said, "I have a lot of songs in my mouth!" LOLOLOLOL! She's been pretty funny lately which has been pretty fun.

Then this morning she wanted me to hold her. So, I picked her up and we were standing in the hallway just watching your baby sister play and she looked at your picture on the wall. She asked me who it was. I told her it was you and that you are her brother. She looked confused so I told her that you had died and lived in heaven. She asked if you were sick. I said no. She asked if you got hurt. I said no. Then she asked the toughest question of all. She asked why you had died then. I had no words. All I could tell her was that I didn't know. I was able to explain your death to an 8 year old this weekend by comparing it to a shoelace being tied in a knot, but how exactly do you explain that to a 3 year old? I don't know. It broke my heart.

My sadness was somewhat made a little better though because just this morning I went into your little sister's room to give her a binky and she looked up at me and said "mama". It was as clear as clear can be. She's getting to be such a big girl. She's so stinkin' cute and sweet and wonderful. Your big sister makes her laugh and smile and go into crazy bouncing fits of delight. It makes my mama's heart happy.

I guess I've had lots of things on my mind lately. The dad of one of your daddy's and my friends died this week which is a major bummer. He was super sick and had been for a while, but it doesn't make it any easier. And to add to it, our friends had a baby just 3 days before he died. I don't believe in coincidences. For some reason, he was well enough to be transfered to our hospital from one about an hour away on Friday of last week. Then Saturday morning (really early) our friends had their baby and he was the first one to hold the little guy. Amazing. He died just three days later. Amazing. I got a text from my friend just yesterday and this is what she wrote: When I said goodbye to Rick the last time he was alive I asked him to watch over Carter. I bet he has already been playing with Carter. He loves little boys.

So, have fun up there with Rick. Be sure he gives you lots of hugs and kisses and tickles from your daddy and me. And please give him hugs and kisses from his family down here. We all miss you two like crazy! I love you!

Mess of a Mind

Hello little one. I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. I've thought about you a lot, as I always do, but just haven't taken the time to write to you. I'm sorry about that.

Life has been ok since I last wrote to you. There has been lots happening and my head has been spinning a lot and I've been trying to get my head wrapped around it all.

Let's see, where should I begin? I've been following Lucy's story each and every day. It breaks my heart and I find myself being consumed with worry, praying and thinking about this poor little girl.

I also have a friend who just had a baby and let me just say, Carter...you continue to amaze me. My friend was 37 weeks pregnant and wasn't feeling her baby move...she told me she couldn't stop thinking about you and what happened. So, she went into the hospital and it's a good thing she did. Long story short...the baby almost didn't survive and is still in the NICU (born on the 8th). You continue to teach people things. Eventhough you are not "present" here, you are "present" in the minds of people still. I am SO grateful for that. You still amaze me.

Then I've been kind of hurt lately by some comments made by people in terms of religion. I understand living the way God wants us to live...but I just can't shake the hurt when things are even indirectly targeted at me or the people I love. I was reading a devotion to your little sister last night and thankfully was reassured when I read the verses at the end of it.

The Most Important Commandment
One of the teachers of religious law was standing there listening to the debate. He realized that Jesus had answered well, so he asked, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”
Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’No other commandment is greater than these.”
-Mark 12:28-31

I don't understand why, when the Bible is so clear, people think they can be mean about religion. No wonder people hate Christians. No wonder people don't go to church. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him. My mom taught me when I was growing up that at the end of the day, I needed to be able to answer to #1 my God #2 myself and #2 my family. If I can do those things, then I am living the way I should.

I also heard a really neat thing last week that I have been trying to live more by as well. It's an acronym and here it is:

R elationships are everything
I nspire others with your actions
C ontribute to and serve others
H ave a HAPPY mindset

You have taught me those exact things and hearing them last week just solidified them in my mind. Thank you for continuing to teach me. Thank you for loving me from afar. Thank you for reminding me that it's not worth arguing with people about things that don't matter in the greater scheme of things.

Carter, please put in a good word for little Lucy and my friend's baby, Felicity. Those sweet, perfect, little girls need all the love, support and prayers they can get.

Send me some love too little one. I sure do miss you. I love you.

I Can't Imagine

Good morning little one. It's Friday and I am so happy it is. I need some rest this weekend!

I was listening to the radio this morning and the song "I can only imagine" came on. I continued to drive and thought a lot while the song played. Then I thought, I can't imagine. I can't imagine what I'll do when I get to heaven. I know I'll be in awe of God and Jesus and of all that heaven is. But more than anything, I just want to see you and be with you when I get there. Yes, I am grateful that Jesus is the reason that heaven is attainable for me. And yes, I am grateful, SO GRATEFUL, for everything God has carried me through in life.

But...

But, I can't imagine that I would run to them before I would run to you. How could I? I am hoping that is something God will understand. And I'm hoping that I am ok for feeling that way. It's complicated I guess. That's the only way I know how to explain it.

I do look very forward to the day (many, many years from now hopefully) when I get to see, hug, hold, spend time with and kiss you again. I love doing all of those things with your sisters. I can't imagine what it will be like to get to do those things with you for all of eternity.

I love you.

15 Days

Good morning little one.

Well, life is normal again. Normal...that seems like a strange term considering everything I would have considered normal before losing you isn't normal anymore. Anyway...

Life has been good though. We took a trip last week to meet your new cousin. It was a very good trip and I was happy we took it. Little Knox is a wonderful little person and I am so happy he is in our lives. He wore some of your clothes while we were out there. I thought it would be more bitter sweet than it was. More than anything, I was just happy to see them being used.

Your little sister got an ear infection while we were out there and that was no fun. But other than that, the trip was fairly uneventful. It was a good time and we saw lots of fun things while we were there. We went to Niagara Falls and to a children's museum and to a park where birds ate out of our hands. It was fun.

I was super happy to be able to spend time with my brother (your uncle). He's my only sibling and I don't get to see him as much as I would like to. He gets me. He loves me. He is the most wonderful brother I could ever ask for. We have our differences, but the thing I love most about him is that we can have hard conversations and at the end of it all, we love each other still and don't hold grudges about things that were said. We say the things that we need to say, and I at least, don't feel angry when we talk (I can't speak for him of course but I would assume it is probably the same for him). When he looks at me, you can see in his eyes that he loves his little sister. Much like I imagine you would have looked at your little sister. I love him. That's the bottom line. And I love him more than he will ever know!

Then on our way home we were waiting at the airport for our flight and there was a play place. Your big sister was in heaven! While she was playing, a daddy and his twin girls came and started to play with her. Your daddy and I were talking to each other, trying to decide how old the little girls were and decided they were probably about a year and a half old. So, long story short, their mommy came up and we chatted a little bit. Sure enough, when I asked how old they were, she said 18 months. Then I decided to add insult to injury and ask when their birthday was. August 14th...just 15 days before you were born. It was fun to watch your big sister interact with them. She was teaching them how to throw and roll balls and other fun things like that. Then I realized something. You will be 18 months old next week. I didn't feel terribly sad when I realized it. It was more just like, huh, so that's what he'd be like. It did make me a little sad when I realized that's what it would be like to see your big sister playing with you though. She's such a sweet girl and seeing how gentle and kind she was with those little girls made my heart ache just a little bit.

I think about what I was doing fifteen days before we lost you. And I think about being completely oblivious to what was going to happen. It's amazing what can happen in 15 days. It makes me want to be more thankful for each day I live now.


I love you little one. Take care up there and think of your mommy please!

I cried

Good morning little one. I guess I should say Happy Valentine's Day too. It doesn't seem terribly happy today though. Oh well, I guess that's life. I don't know that I can completely wrap my head around why I'm feeling *blah* today, but I'll try to give you a glimpse into it.

But first, we need to go back in time to August 27, 2009. You see, that was the night of my baby shower for you. It was a Thursday and my running buddies had planned a super great party in your honor. I went to the shower, and posed by the cake for pictures. I sat in the comfy rocking chair and opened presents just for you. I hung out with my running buddies and lots of other friends and some family too. It was a wonderful party to say the least. Everybody there was so excited for you to make your arrival. Everybody was...

Then after the shower I went home and decided I would take care of all of the things you and I had gotten at your big party. So, I sat in the rocking chair in your room and removed tags from clothes and blankets and toys. Then I put all of the clothes in the hamper so I could be sure they were washed and folded and put away just perfectly for when you came. While I sat there, I couldn't shake the thought that I hadn't felt you moving much that day. But I dismissed my thoughts and told myself that I was busy all day and probably just hadn't paid enough attention.

Then it happened. We all know how the rest of the story goes...and it just happened that the rest of the story started just a few hours after I took the tags of of those things and dismissed my thoughts regarding your lack of movement.

SO...

I have not been to a baby shower since yours.

I have not really been back to that friends' house since then.

But as you know, Carter, being "safe" and "comfortable" don't last forever. And last night my internal flood gates were broken. I can't say it's a bad thing. I can't say I was even worried about it all that much.

You see little one, my running buddies and I threw a baby shower for one of our friends last night. It just so happened that the baby shower was for a little boy. And, the shower was at the same friend's house (she's the pregnant one).

I had thought about the shower quite a bit even last week, but I didn't let myself get freaked out about what could/might/probably would happen once I got there. I had given myself the option of bringing the cake and leaving if I felt the need. But I really wanted to be there for my friend. She is such a good friend to me and was even there when you were born. It's not like I felt I owed it to her, but she means a lot to me and I wanted to be there for her.

Then I drove up to her house and parked my car. Once I turned the car off I felt like I could have puked. But, I gathered my things and walked toward the house. With each step I was thinking about what I would and wouldn't do once I got in there. I had decided I would not put the cake on the table since that was where my cake sat. And I decided I wasn't going to sit in the living room while she opened presents because that's where everyone was sitting for our shower too. So, I stood in the kitchen and just leaned on the wall trying to blend in with my surroundings. I didn't want to make the shower about me in any way shape or form. So I gave the polite "I'm good" smiles to people when I caught them glancing at me.

Then it happened. My friend started opening presents and the first one contained super cute little boy clothes. She of course held them up and showed them off. She is going to be such a proud mama to this little guy. I held back my tears as I looked at her in the same spot I was sitting at our shower, although in a different chair. The tears just sat on my eyelids and I was doing a pretty good job of holding them in until...

My friend proudly held up another outfit and looked my way with a smile. She just looked at me and said, "This is really hard for you isn't it? I just realized that." I just nodded my head to confirm her suspicions and started to weep. Dog gone it, Sara! This wasn't supposed to be about you. And I told all of my friends that. I felt horrible for crying. I felt horrible for turning the happiness of her shower into a glum, sad "Sara's crying" fest. But at the same time, I have learned since losing you, that there are sometimes when the tears just come and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.

I was grateful that just a few minutes were taken by various friends to give me hugs and to gently change the subject so I could compose myself and be ok for the rest of the party.

In the end, I can say I am proud I lived through the shower. I am definitely not biting at the bit to attend another one any time in the near future.

And when I went home, your daddy greeted me with a hug and asked how it went. Then before I went to bed, I went in and kissed each of your sisters. When I kissed your big sister I realized that she is the reason I have not lost my mind since losing you. You see, I needed to be a functioning human being in order to be her mommy and that has helped me on many days. Then I kissed your little sister too and I realized that she is what gave me hope after losing you. Without being pregnant with her and now having her with us, I don't know that I could fully appreciate what it means to hold such great hope in my soul.

Your sisters have taught me so much. Just like you have taught me too. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in life because of my wonderful kiddos. And last night I learned another one. I learned that it's ok to cry at baby showers, and I learned that it's ok to celebrate at them too.

I love you, Carter.

You should try again for a boy

Hey little dude. Well, it's been an ok week here. I was sick earlier in the week, but am feeling much better now.

I did have a meeting for work on the day I was sick and that was no fun at all. But, I just stayed at work long enough to get through the meeting and then went home to bed. While I was at my meeting though, the topic of your sisters came up. I was bragging them up to the four gentlemen in the room with me and then it happened. One of the guys said, "Two girls huh? That's too bad. You should try again for a boy!" My response was, "I had one. He was stillborn." I didn't feel bad about saying it and I hope I didn't make him feel bad about what he had said either. I took that opportunity to talk about what happened to you and about how wonderful NILMDTS is.

It does make me sad when people say things like that. But, I know it wasn't said out of spite or any ill meaning. The guy was just trying to joke with me and as it turns out it's not a joke at all. But that's ok. I miss you like crazy and when I get to tell people about you, it makes me happy.

Then just yesterday my joy about your sisters apparently was showing quite a bit because I got this in an email:

Hey Sara;

GRRRRREAT pic of the kids yesterday! What a blessing!

My Pastor has given his yearly prophecy for 2011. He said in 2011
things are going to be different. By "different" he means it will be GOOD!
It will be HEALTHY! It will be PROSPEROUS! It will be JOYOUS! It will be
filled with LOVE! While the world only knows downturn and chaos, we are
to expect the best. We are to believe it in our hearts and confess it, OUT LOUD,
with our mouths! God wants the best for his children.

I am not trying to proselytize or anything. I just sensed your joy showing off
your children. Keep that joy close to your heart. You guys have certainly had
you past challenges and yet prevailed. YOU, your husband and family are truly
BLESSED! Just believe and say it, even when the world, the doctor's report or
your checkbook (and stupid pile of bills!) etc. is saying otherwise.

All the best and blessings to a different, GRRRRRREAT 2011!~
Sincerely,
Tom

So, there you have it. There will be "no trying again for a boy" for your family and there is an obvious gleam from your mama when she talks about your sisters.

Love you little boy.