Why can't I just be normal?

Hey Carter. I love you and have been thinking about you a lot lately! I hope you are doing well up there and are having lots of fun.

Before I get going on my rant for the day, I wanted to share something that a friend of mine wrote to me earlier today (she lives right by the cemetery where you are), my response to her and her response back.
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Friend: Hey,

Just wanted to let you know that Carter was visited by an antelope over the weekend…he hung out mostly in that area…meandered over to our yard and then back…God must have wanted to show him what an antelope was…

XOXO!


Me: =- ) Thank you for telling me that! I love that there is so much "going on" at that cemetery. There is always evidence of birds, and once my parents brought him a nerf football and apparently the antelope wanted to see what it tasted like! I love going out there and seeing all of the airplanes flying over...it's just a nice place for a little guy!

Thank you again for telling me. Things like that make my heart happy. =- )


Friend: Well it isn’t often there are antelope out there….I’ve only seen them one other time. My good friend Myrtle is buried there as well…seriously…not a day goes by when I don’t drive by and think about Carter…and now Myrtle. It is a pretty place…
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You are loved buddy. You are thought about by people other than me and that does make my heart not hurt quite as badly.

So there are things like that in life that make me smile and then there are things that make me wonder why in the world I feel so crazy sometimes.

Why can't I just be a normal mommy to my living child? Why can't I just be happy when she sleeps in later than usual in the mornings instead of wondering if she stopped breathing during the night? Why can't I be blissfully unaware when I go to the OB/GYN and just sit there with the other pregnant ladies around me and chit chat away about how perfect my pregnancy is and have absolutely no idea (at least not an obvious idea) that babies die? Why am I the mommy who goes in for a non-stress test on her baby and hold my breath for that split second when they put the monitor on my tummy and wonder/hope/pray/freak out because they haven't gotten the monitor in the right spot just yet?

Why?

I wish I were a normal/typical person and a normal/typical pregnant person. But I'm not. I'm not and I never will be.

But with that comes an amazing amount of love and outpouring of that same love. I have learned to show my love to those around me. I have learned to (hopefully) never take things for granted. The little things in life really aren't little. It's huge when your sister comes over to me when she's pretending and gives me a hug goodbye because she's "going to work". It's huge when she looks at me and tells me she loves me. And it's equally huge when she sits on my lap with her kitty-cat, Crater and is completely ignoring me and just tells him over and over again "I love you." I love feeling your little sister bee-bopping around inside of me. And I love the reassurance it gives me.

I guess that is my normal. My normal may be hypersensitive to and hyperaware of a lot of things, but that hypersensitivity isn't all bad. Because with it comes an increased awareness and enjoyment for the little things in life. And I wouldn't give that up for anything.