Some Good News and Faith

Hey baby boy. I love you and miss you like crazy. This week is Cheyenne Frontier Days and so far it's been uneventful for our family. Tomorrow the Thunderbirds will perform their annual air show and I'm debating as to where your sister and I should go to see it...or even if we should. The loud noises really freak her out. We'll see I guess. In true CFD style though it's been HOT so far this week. And hot makes for cranky mommies who are pregnant. I'm trying my best to put on a happy face and get through it, but by the end of the day I'm exhausted and hot as heck. (Your poor daddy)

On a good note though, I talked to my doctor's office about the Explanation of Benefits we got last week. They did get a copy of the test results from the pathologist and as far as they can tell #1 the results were completely normal (which we totally would have expected) and #2 it appears the only tissue that was tested was umbilical cord and placenta. Which means…they didn’t cut on you!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I’m just going off of what the nurse at the doctor’s office told me from when she read the results, but that’s good enough for me! I’ll ask when I see the doctor again next week just to be sure. But as of right now, things are looking promising in the - you being buried whole category! I was majorly relieved.

Your little sister still seems to be doing well inside of me. She is a mover and a shaker and during the non-stress tests she acts just like she should. Her heart shows accelerations when she moves around and there are no signs of distress. I did talk to my doc yesterday though and told him that I fully realize that NSTs are a false sense of security because cord accidents don’t really give warnings and even though I go in on a weekly basis, bad things can still happen. But, the good ole doc continues to be confident in your sister making a safe arrival here. I am trying not to think about my 35th week which is coming up pretty quickly since that is the week we lost you. And I’m trying not to be paranoid because my doc will be on vacation next week which is a month before your sister will come here…and he was on vacation when we lost you… month before you were due. So, call me paranoid. Call me superstitious. But it is what it is and I’m trying my best to just go with it.

I’m trying to concentrate on having faith.

FAITH

Hmmmmm…that reminds me of a couple of different conversations I’ve had since being pregnant with your little sister. A neighbor told me that I “just need to have faith” about this pregnancy and during another conversation someone agreed with that point.

I know I was probably a little curt with at least the second person when I told them that I have faith. I’ve got all the dang faith in God in the world. But I do not believe it is faith that keeps babies alive. That (to me) would mean that my faith wasn’t strong enough to keep you alive. And that’s crap! I believe that bad stuff happens…really horrible, terrible bad stuff. But, having faith means that I believe that no matter what happens to your little sister or your big sister or you daddy or anyone else that I love, God will carry me through it and that God will somehow bring good out of the cruddy things that can/may/do happen in life. That, to me, is faith.

So, even if people hurt my feelings (and I fully realize they don’t mean to…they just don’t know what to say to me) I know that God is right there by my side, watching out for me as I go through my days here on Earth. It’s not easy, Carter. It’s not even fun at times, but I know that someday things will be perfect and I will never have to feel the pains (mental/emotional/physical/spiritual) of this world again. That’s where my faith and confidence lie.

I love you little boy. Have a good day up there and maybe you could put on some cowboy duds to celebrate CFD! ;) I bet you would be so stinkin’ cute with a little cowboy hat on and some Wranglers. You know this is the only time of year where we even think about getting all “cowboy-ed up”. But it’s fun to have an excuse. I love you!