Some hope and excitement

Hi Carter! I love you!!!!!

Well, it's been a while again (seems as though that's how I begin every time I write to you...sorry!)

Life has been...well I guess just life lately.

In the midst of life being life though I did take a big step and bought your little sister a couple of special blankies and an outfit to come home in (fingers crossed, and saying lots of prayers still).

I think the blankie is just as cute as can be and that little dress...oh my goodness, the tights with the slippers on the feet sold me!

So, it seems as though I am finally either allowing myself, or maybe just am finally able to be somewhat excited about little Abby. It's a good thing, but scary as heck too.

All in terms of Abby seem to be going as well as they possibly could and that makes me really happy. They are starting weekly non-stress tests on us next week. I'm looking forward to the (hopefully) relief it brings.

With all of that good stuff happening you'd think I was just sailing along. But, I'm not. We found out last week (long story leading up to this point) that our cat, Crater, has a degenerative disease...basically kitty MS...that will eventually make him lame in his back legs, incontenent, and eventually we will have to choose to put him to sleep. He's such a good boy, Carter. He's wonderful with your big sister. He's super loving and just an all around great cat. So when I took him in to our local vet yesterday and had to talk to him about what we can/can't do and when we will have to make the choice to put him to sleep it really bummed me out.

Well buddy, I suppose I should get some things done. I hope you are having a good day. Happy 10 month heavenly birthday (2 days late...sorry!) I love you!

Bad Dreams and Well-Meaning Friends

Hey buddy!

Sorry it's been a while again since I last wrote to you. Your daddy, sister and I took a trip to Chicago for a week. It was really nice to go there and to spend some time as a family. I had to work some too, since the whole reason we originally made the trip was because I had a conference, but mainly we just had some quality family time.

I've been doing really well with everything lately until two nights ago. You see, I had a horrible dream. I had a dream that your little sister, Abby, was born but then she was dead. I don't know if she died before she was born or afterward, but I know she was gone.

So, I woke up in the morning and proceeded to freak out (internally) the whole day. I asked for prayers and truly felt them.

Then last night one of my friends sent me a message just to see how I was doing. She is super sweet. She truly cares about me and my well-being. It made me feel better and then I told her that I was afraid of losing not just you but Abby too. Her response to me was, God won't do that to you.

It hurt.

I know she was meaning to comfort me. I know she was trying to make me feel better.

But, all I could think was...I don't think God "did" that to me when we lost you. Thoughts like that would make me doubt God until the end of time. Thoughts like that make me (slightly but not really) wonder if there is something I can/could/should "do" to guarantee that I don't lose another child.

You see Carter, I believe that crap happens. Bad, BAD, REALLY HORRIBLE BAD things happen in this world. And I know that in God is in control of what happens (way too complicated for me to even begin to comprehend) but I also TRULY believe that He didn't "DO" this to me. Why would God want to see me in such horrible pain? Why would God kill my baby? All the whys. All the what ifs. They are too hard for me. They are too much to comprehend.

So today I'm still upset. But I'm trying not to think about it because there is truly no answer that will ever be good enough for my questions until I meet my Maker. And until then, I'm not going to doubt His love for me (at least not on purpose).

Tomorrow is our next appointment and I plan on asking the doctor when we can start the weekly non-stress tests on Abby. I'm hoping that will make me feel better. I am also planning on putting our doppler in my purse tonight so I can listen to her heartbeat whenever I want to. Today has been rough because she wasn't moving much and that freaked me out. So, hopefully having that at my disposal whenever and where ever will help.

Thanks for listening, Carter. Life is rough some times. I don't get it. But writing it out to you seems to bring me some relief. I love you!

Usually OK

Hey Carter.

Well, I truly am "usually ok" with everything. I'm usually ok with thinking about you and being in my little safe and comfortable zone.

But then things like this happen. =- (

I was sitting here at my desk at work and in walks an acquaintance/used to be co-worker of mine. Now that might not sound so bad but you see, Carter, she has a grandson who was born one week (to the day, only 1 dang week) younger than you! She walked in with her daughter and her grandson and I swear that for a split second, I thought about diving under my desk to hide! (She had already seen me though so that would have just looked really funny!) And when she walked in she said, we brought him in just to see Sara! She and her daughter were so excited to show him off to me. They definitely fit the elated mommy and grandma description.

So, there he was, sitting on his grandma's lap right in front of me. I choked back the tears and thankfully they stayed away. I didn't say much. I didn't even pretend like I wanted to hold him. I just sat there and thought about you. How was I supposed to think about anything but you in that situation? How was I supposed to look at how big he was and not wonder how big you would be? How was I supposed to look at the teeth in his mouth and not wonder how many teeth you would have? I just sat there with my head seemingly in outer-space and thought about you. I thought about how much it sucks that you aren't here. It sucks that I can't bring you in to work to show you off to everyone. I thought about how much it sucks that you are dead.

I have no idea how long they stayed. I know that it felt like an eternity to me.

Once they left I took a deep breath and I didn't even start crying then. I did sigh and tell one of my co-workers that I was grateful to have made it through that situation. He looked at me kind of strangely and so I elaborated.

After that, I just needed to run away. I needed to disappear for a little while. So, I called my very dear friend that works in a building across the way and told her I was going to visit her. She was obviously confused and asked me why. I told her that I just was! =- )

So, I went over there and she took me into their conference room and just let me cry. She didn't try to make it better. She didn't try to reason with me. She just let me cry and she listened. I didn't just cry a little bit...I was nearly in hysterics at a couple points. But it didn't matter. She just sat there and let me be who I needed to be in that instant. She let me be your mommy...your mommy who misses you more than you will ever know. She let me break down and then she was there to help me back up and pick up all the pieces when I was done crying. She is an amazing friend, Carter. I am so grateful for her. And I know you have tons of friends just like that up there too. It's an amazing gift!

I love you little boy. I miss you so much.

Grateful

Hey Carter!

Well, I did it. I took care of your things. And to tell you the truth, it was a non-event.

I am so grateful I waited until I was ready.
I am grateful I had someone to give your things too.
I am grateful that she seems to love your things just like I loved them.
I am grateful that they are just things and that I have memories of carrying you inside of me and of holding you on the day you were born.
I am grateful that I can choose to feel joy about you instead of feeling the constant pain.
I am grateful for you.
I am grateful for Ben's mommy.
I am grateful for this new pregnancy and extremely grateful that I'm feeling some excitement about it now.
I am grateful for your daddy and sister.
I am grateful for family.
I am grateful for a church family and friends who stand by me and truly understand the Sara that I was and the Sara that I continue to evolve into.
I am grateful for new friends I have made all because of you!

I am grateful!

Tonight is the night (maybe)

Hey buddy! I love you!

Well, last time I wrote I was concerned about your stuff and what I am going to do with all of it. Since then, I've come up with a plan (temtatively anyway)! You see, I don't feel like I can give your stuff to just anyone for a variety of reasons. #1 I don't want someone to think it's weird/creepy to be getting your things. #2 I don't want someone to get your things and not realize what a VERY big deal it is and #3 I am not going to bring your clothes to a consignment shop and make money off of them. I just don't feel right about that.

So, what does that mean? Sounds like I'm between a rock and a hard place to me. But, then I figured it out!

I have a friend whose son you are friends with up there! Little Benjamin who was born still in December 2008 is going to be a big brother in July. His mommy is 5 weeks farther along than me and is going to have a little boy. Your daddy and I went to a dinner celebration of the new baby's life and while we were there I asked Ben's mommy if she would like your things.

You should have seen the look in her eyes when I asked her. She just started crying. She asked me if I was sure and I insisted that I was. Afterall, the baby will be born in July so the seasons are perfect for the clothes to fit the little guy. And she had mentioned to me the week before that she had all of Benjamin's stuff packed away at her mom's house and wasn't sure what she was going to do with all of it...whether she would use it for the new baby or not. So, it just seemed perfect! She gets it, Carter. She get's that it's not just a bunch of clothes. She get's that it's a huge step for me and that was/is a huge relief!

So, we had another appointment on the 25th and when the doctor came into the room to check your little sister's heartbeat I told him that I had brought my very best groveling face to the appointment that day. He just looked at me like I was a goof ball (much like he always does hee hee hee) and asked me why I was groveling. So I explained all of the stuff to him about your things and asked how much groveling/begging it would take to get him to take just one more look to be sure Abby is indeed an Abby and not a Matthew.

No sooner had I explained that and he asked his assistant to clean up the ultrasound room so we could take a look. It was probably a 3 minute ultrasound. But those three minutes brought me a lot of peace and really helped me prepare even more for dealing with your things. Little Abby gave him a CLEAR ;) view of her girl parts, so much so that your daddy and I could even tell right away when he pointed them out.

When I left the doctor's office, I left with a confidence I had not felt before about dealing with your things.

I have all sorts of wonderful people around me that are willing to help me go through your things. But, I think I'm going to at least start going through them tonight after your sister goes to bed. Your daddy is out of town for work and I really think that this is something I need to do on my own. I need the time to look at each piece of your clothing, and to touch each of your blankets all by myself. Time to just be with the things that represent "you". There may be some things that I will keep in a box with the rest of your stuff from the hospital and such. But for the most part, tonight will be about going through your dresser and going through the clothes that have sat in the hamper since your baby shower the night before we found out we lost you and trying to start a new chapter in my healing.

I am not going to pretend that it will be easy, because I know it won't be. But the good news is, I don't feel anxiety about it and that is a really good thing!

Wish me luck! I love you!

"School" Pictures

Hey sweet boy. Well I hope you are doing well. Life around here has been "business as usual" lately and that is a good thing.

I did get slightly shaken this morning though. I dropped your sister off at "school" (you see, that's what we call her daycare) and today is picture day. I knew it was picture day, I even got her all dolled up in a super cute dress for the occasion. The shaken up part came up when I had to fill out the paperwork for the pictures. On it, you have to fill out your child's name and their teacher's name. But that's not all...at least it shouldn't be all. There's a spot on the sheet where you can request for them take pictures of your kids together. It asks for your other child's name and teacher. For just that split second I was taken back.

I should be able to fill that part out! This is just another one of the "shoulds" for me. I should have been able to get you all dolled up in a super cute boy way ;) and brought you to school for your very first set of "school" pictures.

But instead, that part of the paper remained blank. And the photographer will not understand what the emptiness of that space really means.

So, here I am overlooking my morning and feeling ok about it. Feeling ok that I made it through another first. I feel sad, but I don't feel consumed and for that I am grateful.

I love you Carter and know they take the most wonderful pictures up there in heaven!

Catching up

Hey Carter. I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote to you. I feel horrible about not writing more. I guess there's good news though that since I haven't been writing to you much lately I've been feeling pretty good about it all. You see, Carter, I write to you mainly when I'm sad or struggling. I think about you each and every day, but I really only write when I'm having a rough time. So, life as of late has been pretty even-steven.

I'm sure part of the reason life has been ok is because we've been so stinkin' busy lately. We took a trip out to Indiana to see you Uncle Adam and Auntie Melissa. We took a trip to South Dakota for your Uncle Michael's college graduation. We've been running like crazy.

We did get some pretty big news since I last wrote to you though too. We found out that the little one growing inside of me is a girl (at least the doctor is pretty sure it's a girl...she wouldn't sit still). Her name will be Abigail Faith (Abby).

We are happy.

I know that doesn't sound very convincing. We are happy though. The day of our ultrasound we were...well I don't know that there's really a word for what we were. I cried after we left and I think your daddy was pretty close to that point too. It's not that we aren't happy about Abby. We really are. She looks absolutely perfect in there. The doctor said she's measuring perfectly, she's got a four-chambered heart, she's got a 3-vessel umbilical cord, she's absolutely perfect from what they can tell on the ultrasound.

But you see, Carter, it's not as simple as Abby being a girl.

The best way I know to explain it is like this...it tore the scab off of my wound again. It truly is going to force me to deal with the things in your room that say "It's a boy!" All of your clothes are still in the dresser and in the laundry basket from the night before we found out we lost you. And all of our "boy" hopes and dreams once again feel like sand slipping through my fingers. Your daddy and I don't plan on having another baby after Abby so my dreams of football, baseball, the "million dollar family", and my dreams of having a relationship with my son are once again gone. So what do I do with all of the stuff? Do I give it all away? Do I save it all because it reminds me of you? Well, it is just stuff...and stuff isn't what life is all about. I know I need to store up my treasure in heaven.

I'm sure to some people I sound like a horrible person for even thinking things like that, but you know what...I don't care. I don't care what people think. I'll be judged for the rest of my life. I'll be judged because of my outlook on life as a result of losing you. I'll be judged for "not being excited or happy enough" or for "being overly emotional" or "overly protective". So, I know I can't please everyone. Heck, I'll probably never please most anyone in life. I do go through my life knowing that I'm doing the best I can though. The best I can with the hand I've been dealt. And the people who I truly care about and that care about me, recognize that.

I love you, Carter. I hope you are having lots of fun with your friends. I miss you every day! I love you!