Preparation

Hi little one. I miss you so! Are you having lots of fun with your friends up there? Are you getting excited for your birthday next weekend? I bet you are. You are after all my son, and I get REALLY excited for my birthday! I would expect nothing less from you!

Next week is going to be a week of major preparations. I think it will probably fly by as a result. The funny thing about all of those preparations is that last weekend at church, Preparation was the title of the sermon. It was a really good one for me to hear and it helped me get my head on a little straighter which is always a good thing.

There were seven points that our pastor made about preparation and I’m probably going to really screw them up and oversimplify them but here goes nothin’!

When we prepare for anything in life, whether it’s something in our spiritual walk or our day-to-day lives we need to prepare to be:

Amazed
Challenged
Empowered (by God)
Stretched
Enriched (Shown how to have more gratitude)
Mystified (We will learn not so much about the answers to our “whys” but rather on the “what’s next” and that we need to look for guidance as we go.)
Adventure

So there you have it! That sounds a LOT like my life has been over the past year. Every single one of those things I have felt at some point in time or simultaneously with others. And hearing that sermon as we prepare for your birthday and the birth of your little sister was perfect timing.

This week I have been concentrating on preparing for a few things. I have made plans to have a pedicure and a massage next week so I can get some “me” time in before your sister arrives. I have also been working with a friend from church on our mission in your name. I am really excited about it and we are going to present it to the congregation on your birthday. I’ll be sure to tell you all about how it goes and what’s behind all of it! I’ve packed pretty much everything for our hospital trip and prepared your little sister’s nursery this week too. I’m planning on installing car seats this weekend. Everything is falling into place and I can’t believe she’ll actually be here in less than two weeks.

Next week, besides the “me” things I have planned I will be getting everything ready for your birthday party. It’s going to be a lot of fun and I am looking very forward to celebrating you. That reminds me, I need to call about getting enough balloons for your balloon release!

Well Carter, I suppose I should get some more things done at work in preparation for my coming departure. ;- ) I was pretty excited earlier this week when I actually got through all of my work files so I could update my co-workers on the projects. That may sound simple, but that was the last thing I did at work before we found out we had lost you, so getting the nerve to take that step was HUGE for your mommy. And then when I got up the next morning and your sister was moving around like crazy in there, it was a big relief.

All in all I’m in a pretty good place again. I told a friend of mine just the other day that I think I'm living in a world where I've completely sheltered myself from a lot of the reality of it all, but that's ok by me! I’m not able to really feel excited about your sister coming, but I’m not freaked out by it either and I’m very grateful for that. So, day-by-day I’ll get through these next couple of weeks of not just big, but HUGE events – your birthday and Abby’s arrival. With lots of prayers, deep breaths, love and patience, I’ll make it!

I love you, Carter. Talk to you again soon!

2 More Appointments

Good morning, little one. I sure do love you and hope you are having lots of fun up there with all of your friends. I’m sure you have a blast with all of them. I wonder though, does God ever have to put any of you in time out? I would doubt it considering heaven is perfect but it sure would be funny to see you little ones sitting on a cloud over in the corner somewhere! Lol!

I have still been doing pretty well this week. There have been some downs, like thinking about some of your friends’ mommies who are struggling with different events that are coming up. One of them is preparing for the date her baby was supposed to be born, one just miscarried for the second time after losing her little one and is having a D&C today, and so many others are still walking down the same road I am right now and are expecting their rainbow babies. There is so much happening in the world around me that requires prayers and I’m doing my best to pray like crazy for them.

I have some more good…well not good…it’s great news! We had our NST and ultrasound yesterday and your little sister looks perfect. She’s growing just like she should. She’s still moving around like a crazy girl and while the doctor did the ultrasound he pointed out that she was breathing in there. She’s practicing to come out into this world. How awesome. You could see her heart beating and her chest rising and falling as she breathed. What a blessing. Oh yeah, and she's already measuring at 5lbs. 10 ozs. She's definitely going to be a healthy sized baby! (My prediction is 7lbs. 3 ozs. at delivery)

Then, when we were leaving the doctor’s office I had to make my appointment for next week and it turns out that next week and the following week are my last two appointments. WOW. We’ve almost made it. I’m still trying not thinking about it too much BUT I did pack my hospital bag last night and got everything ready for me and your little sister. The only major things that are left to be done are shopping for your little sister’s baby book, buying your big sister a present or two and your daddy needs to pack his things.

Oh yeah, and last weekend we had some pictures taken of your big sister and of our family. When I first got pregnant with your little sister I scheduled this appointment because I knew that no matter what happened, I wanted to be sure I had pictures of our family (minus you of course) while I was still pregnant. You see, I don’t really have many pictures of myself pregnant with you because I was self conscious and I hate to admit I was just sick of being pregnant. So, this time around I am doing my best not to take anything for granted. I am SOOOOOOO grateful for the pictures she posted on her blog and can’t wait to see the rest of them. She’s such a talented photographer and it turns out she’s pretty awesome at volleyball too (that’s how we originally met – on a volleyball team. It was SO fun!)

Well Carter, I suppose I should get going. I think about you all the time and there are some things cooking between me and a friend at church that will/should be totally awesome and are all because of you. I’ll do my best to keep you in the loop when official plans have been made. It’s going to be awesome though, I can tell you that much! I love you little boy. Take care and stay out of time out will ya? ;-)

Cared about and watched out for

Hey there little boy. =- ) I hope you are doing well up there. Life down here has been okey dokey lately. Well, for the most part anyway! Your little sister is definitely doing her part to keep me sane…she is moving like crazy so I can rest assured that she is doing well in there. We get to go in tomorrow again for our weekly NST and they will take another look at your sister via ultrasound as well to check on her growth.

I’m looking quite forward to this week being over with though (too bad it’s only Tuesday). This is my 35th week so the faster we can get past 35 ½ the happier I’ll be! And I am looking very forward to this weekend because I have some very fun things planned for your daddy and me. The best part of it is that he knows we are going to be doing things but everything will be a surprise. He’ll only know what we are doing as we go to do all of it. FUN!

Like I said earlier, I am feeling okey dokey lately. I have been pretty overwhelmed by the love people continue to show me on a daily basis. I have been told and told and told how many people are saying prayers for our family. And yesterday I had a casual conversation with a guy at work and later in the afternoon he made a specific point to come to my office and show me pictures of his “rainbow” granddaughter. He looked me right in the eye and said that I needed to remember that good things like her happen every day! What a wonderful reminder. Then I had to get some groceries before picking your big sister up and I saw a friend of mine who had a stillborn daughter 19 years ago. I told her that I had contemplated calling her last week because I had been struggling so much and told her what had been going through my mind. And do you know what she did? She just nodded her head and told me that I was feeling things that were/are completely normal. What a relief! Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world that feels the way that I do. That is not only a lonely place to be, it’s also pretty easy to feel crazy.

So all in all, life is going along just as it should I guess. I’m still living in each day and sometimes in each moment and that’s ok by me! I was asked again today how many days I have left of being pregnant and it made me really happy to say I don’t know! All I know is that she’ll be here on September 1st at the latest…the time between then and now doesn’t really need to be worried about. **Aaaahhhhhh that felt really good to write!**

Thank you for teaching me so much about life and about myself, Carter. You are such a blessing to me! I love you!

Good News and Middle Name

Best news of the day. Abby is alive and well in there! We had another NST today and your daddy was finally able to come listen to the "music" of her little heart beating. We just sat in there together and for the most part listened to her but we also talked a little bit about life in general. We haven't had much time lately to just sit and talk so it was nice to be able to do that today. While we sat there I told him that I thought we needed to rethink your little sister's middle name (Faith). He looked at me funny (much like he looks at me a lot of the time!).

I told him that because of my inner battle with the subject of faith, and not knowing if my faith was simply inadequate or if it is an issue with the people that had spoken to me about faith throughout this journey I thought maybe we needed to consider a new middle name for Miss Abby. He said that he thinks it's a perfect name for her. He continued by saying that he believes that we have shown faith throughout our journey to have kiddos. And then he said that there are a lot of people out there that just don't ever try again because of one reason or another and that our perseverance has been a testament to our faith in God. So, I guess I lost the battle. ;) But your daddy did make a pretty good argument and I'll have to work through my own "stuff" surrounding the name over time!

Now let's recap the good news from today. (There are plenty of things that I'm still extremely nervous about but we'll focus on the good for today!)

#1 Abby's alive!
#2 Abby is "behaving" just like she should on her NSTs. She's having accelerations in her heart rate which is a really good thing and she's not having any decelerations which is even better!
#3 We got to see your little sister on the ultrasound today, she is head down and according to the doctor she should stay that way until delivery.
#4 Abby is measuring right where she should (or even a little ahead of schedule).
#5 Although the ultrasound pictures aren't the greatest, we got to "see" her little face today. And my goodness your little sister is going to have some kissable cheeks!

#6 The amniotic fluid levels around Abby are right where they should be.
#7 Abby has once again been confirmed to be a girl. (That's a really good thing considering all we have are girl clothes now!)
#8 We get to have another ultrasound next Wednesday to check the fluid levels and Abby's measurements again.
#9 Did I mention that Abby is alive and well in there, and she was kicking up a storm during the NST and since then too.

I am once again grateful for today and for what today has brought. I love you, Carter!

Turn Around

Hey buddy, how's this for a quick turn around? I have been doing some thinking and some praying and have made some changes in just the time since I last wrote to you.

I deleted the countdown that I have been looking at every day for Abby's arrival.

I have made the conscious decision to live in today.

I got back from lunch with my friends (which I really needed) and looked up some verses on worry in the Bible and those helped a lot. And I chatted with a couple friends of mine who have lost babies and that helped too!

Here are the verses that changed me today though:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? - Matthew 6:25-27

Today is what I have. Today is all I will ever have with Abby. It is all I will ever have with everyone I love.

So today, I am thankful that I have re-realized what a blessing today is.

I love you, Carter!

28 Days

Hey Carter. I love you!

I'm sorry for only coming to talk to you when I'm freaking out lately...I wish it wasn't like this...but it is and for that I'm sorry!

I was looking at my calendar this morning and when I saw that my countdown said 28 days until baby Abby arrives(or 4 weeks from today). I think my heart went into palpitations! I feel just like the turtle in this picture! Let me elaborate! I don't feel like I'm drowning, but I definitely feel like I'm in a pool full of water and that although the water isn’t rising, the only part of me that I am able to keep above the waterline is essentially my face so I don’t drown. I feel like I’m flailing and that I just need to keep up enough strength to keep that nose out of the water. Does that make any sense?

I still can’t bring myself to think about or imagine what life will/should/could be like after we take your little sister home from the hospital. When I bought the outfit to bring her home in I thought, well…if we don’t bring her home, then at least I have an outfit she can be buried in. I am hopeful that she makes it through these last four weeks, but I’m not confident. And when someone else tells me how they are SURE things are going to work out wonderfully with Abby, I about have a panic attack. All of the “what ifs” that run through my head…I’m glad those people have confidence and I am sure they think I’m a nutcase because I don’t have a lick of it, but I can’t shake it.

It's tough, Carter. But at least I'm still able to breath and each breath is a gift, that's for sure.

Have a good day buddy!

August

August, it seems so simple. But just as everything seems as though it should be simple to most people, it’s not to me.

It’s not simple to think about being 35 ½ weeks pregnant next week. It’s not simple because 35 ½ weeks is when we lost you.

It’s not simple to think about August 29th being your birthday. It’s not simple because you aren’t here…you live in heaven.

It’s not simple to think about this being my last month pregnant with your little sister. It’s not simple because so many things can happen in these last 30 days. And even though I’m trying my best to just “go” with everything it’s wearing on me.

It’s not simple to think that my doctor is on vacation this week. It’s not simple because he was on vacation when we lost you and whether I’m superstitious or not, him being gone FREAKS me out.

I think I am in major need of a spiritual fill-up and that’s where the majority of my feelings are coming from. So tonight I’m going to look at the books/Bible studies I have at home and try to start reading one of them to rejuvenate and revitalize my spiritual life.

I just feel empty. Empty emotionally like I am unable to give anything back to the people I love. Empty mentally to the point of not feeling like I can function nearly as well as I should be on a daily basis. Empty physically because I am so exhausted from not sleeping well at night (dang potty runs due to a baby crunched bladder). And I’m probably physically empty too because I am not able to get the exercise my body yearns for.

So now that I’ve done a quick inventory of my state of being I guess it’s time to do something about those things. In terms of the simple things I talked about at the beginning, I have no clue how to deal with them other than by riding them out and praying that God will bring me peace as those dates and events come and go. I’m excited for your birthday because we will get to celebrate your life, but I am torn to pieces that it’s almost been a year already since I met and said goodbye to you. I’ve got plans for your special day and I’m going to hopefully get things moving on that here pretty quickly.

In terms of the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual stuff I will pray. I will pray that God will not only carry me through these trials but that He will fill me in every possible way.

It’s hard Carter. It’s hard to be in a place where everything seems difficult and tiring. But it’s doable. I survived your death and I can survive August. It’s the anticipation of it all that gets to me. I’ll keep walking along the path though and praying that God will carry me. That’s all I can ask right? I love you little one.