August

August, it seems so simple. But just as everything seems as though it should be simple to most people, it’s not to me.

It’s not simple to think about being 35 ½ weeks pregnant next week. It’s not simple because 35 ½ weeks is when we lost you.

It’s not simple to think about August 29th being your birthday. It’s not simple because you aren’t here…you live in heaven.

It’s not simple to think about this being my last month pregnant with your little sister. It’s not simple because so many things can happen in these last 30 days. And even though I’m trying my best to just “go” with everything it’s wearing on me.

It’s not simple to think that my doctor is on vacation this week. It’s not simple because he was on vacation when we lost you and whether I’m superstitious or not, him being gone FREAKS me out.

I think I am in major need of a spiritual fill-up and that’s where the majority of my feelings are coming from. So tonight I’m going to look at the books/Bible studies I have at home and try to start reading one of them to rejuvenate and revitalize my spiritual life.

I just feel empty. Empty emotionally like I am unable to give anything back to the people I love. Empty mentally to the point of not feeling like I can function nearly as well as I should be on a daily basis. Empty physically because I am so exhausted from not sleeping well at night (dang potty runs due to a baby crunched bladder). And I’m probably physically empty too because I am not able to get the exercise my body yearns for.

So now that I’ve done a quick inventory of my state of being I guess it’s time to do something about those things. In terms of the simple things I talked about at the beginning, I have no clue how to deal with them other than by riding them out and praying that God will bring me peace as those dates and events come and go. I’m excited for your birthday because we will get to celebrate your life, but I am torn to pieces that it’s almost been a year already since I met and said goodbye to you. I’ve got plans for your special day and I’m going to hopefully get things moving on that here pretty quickly.

In terms of the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual stuff I will pray. I will pray that God will not only carry me through these trials but that He will fill me in every possible way.

It’s hard Carter. It’s hard to be in a place where everything seems difficult and tiring. But it’s doable. I survived your death and I can survive August. It’s the anticipation of it all that gets to me. I’ll keep walking along the path though and praying that God will carry me. That’s all I can ask right? I love you little one.