Good morning little one. It's Friday and I am so happy it is. I need some rest this weekend!
I was listening to the radio this morning and the song "I can only imagine" came on. I continued to drive and thought a lot while the song played. Then I thought, I can't imagine. I can't imagine what I'll do when I get to heaven. I know I'll be in awe of God and Jesus and of all that heaven is. But more than anything, I just want to see you and be with you when I get there. Yes, I am grateful that Jesus is the reason that heaven is attainable for me. And yes, I am grateful, SO GRATEFUL, for everything God has carried me through in life.
But...
But, I can't imagine that I would run to them before I would run to you. How could I? I am hoping that is something God will understand. And I'm hoping that I am ok for feeling that way. It's complicated I guess. That's the only way I know how to explain it.
I do look very forward to the day (many, many years from now hopefully) when I get to see, hug, hold, spend time with and kiss you again. I love doing all of those things with your sisters. I can't imagine what it will be like to get to do those things with you for all of eternity.
I love you.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
15 Days
Good morning little one.
Well, life is normal again. Normal...that seems like a strange term considering everything I would have considered normal before losing you isn't normal anymore. Anyway...
Life has been good though. We took a trip last week to meet your new cousin. It was a very good trip and I was happy we took it. Little Knox is a wonderful little person and I am so happy he is in our lives. He wore some of your clothes while we were out there. I thought it would be more bitter sweet than it was. More than anything, I was just happy to see them being used.
Your little sister got an ear infection while we were out there and that was no fun. But other than that, the trip was fairly uneventful. It was a good time and we saw lots of fun things while we were there. We went to Niagara Falls and to a children's museum and to a park where birds ate out of our hands. It was fun.
I was super happy to be able to spend time with my brother (your uncle). He's my only sibling and I don't get to see him as much as I would like to. He gets me. He loves me. He is the most wonderful brother I could ever ask for. We have our differences, but the thing I love most about him is that we can have hard conversations and at the end of it all, we love each other still and don't hold grudges about things that were said. We say the things that we need to say, and I at least, don't feel angry when we talk (I can't speak for him of course but I would assume it is probably the same for him). When he looks at me, you can see in his eyes that he loves his little sister. Much like I imagine you would have looked at your little sister. I love him. That's the bottom line. And I love him more than he will ever know!
Then on our way home we were waiting at the airport for our flight and there was a play place. Your big sister was in heaven! While she was playing, a daddy and his twin girls came and started to play with her. Your daddy and I were talking to each other, trying to decide how old the little girls were and decided they were probably about a year and a half old. So, long story short, their mommy came up and we chatted a little bit. Sure enough, when I asked how old they were, she said 18 months. Then I decided to add insult to injury and ask when their birthday was. August 14th...just 15 days before you were born. It was fun to watch your big sister interact with them. She was teaching them how to throw and roll balls and other fun things like that. Then I realized something. You will be 18 months old next week. I didn't feel terribly sad when I realized it. It was more just like, huh, so that's what he'd be like. It did make me a little sad when I realized that's what it would be like to see your big sister playing with you though. She's such a sweet girl and seeing how gentle and kind she was with those little girls made my heart ache just a little bit.
I think about what I was doing fifteen days before we lost you. And I think about being completely oblivious to what was going to happen. It's amazing what can happen in 15 days. It makes me want to be more thankful for each day I live now.
I love you little one. Take care up there and think of your mommy please!
Well, life is normal again. Normal...that seems like a strange term considering everything I would have considered normal before losing you isn't normal anymore. Anyway...
Life has been good though. We took a trip last week to meet your new cousin. It was a very good trip and I was happy we took it. Little Knox is a wonderful little person and I am so happy he is in our lives. He wore some of your clothes while we were out there. I thought it would be more bitter sweet than it was. More than anything, I was just happy to see them being used.
Your little sister got an ear infection while we were out there and that was no fun. But other than that, the trip was fairly uneventful. It was a good time and we saw lots of fun things while we were there. We went to Niagara Falls and to a children's museum and to a park where birds ate out of our hands. It was fun.
I was super happy to be able to spend time with my brother (your uncle). He's my only sibling and I don't get to see him as much as I would like to. He gets me. He loves me. He is the most wonderful brother I could ever ask for. We have our differences, but the thing I love most about him is that we can have hard conversations and at the end of it all, we love each other still and don't hold grudges about things that were said. We say the things that we need to say, and I at least, don't feel angry when we talk (I can't speak for him of course but I would assume it is probably the same for him). When he looks at me, you can see in his eyes that he loves his little sister. Much like I imagine you would have looked at your little sister. I love him. That's the bottom line. And I love him more than he will ever know!
Then on our way home we were waiting at the airport for our flight and there was a play place. Your big sister was in heaven! While she was playing, a daddy and his twin girls came and started to play with her. Your daddy and I were talking to each other, trying to decide how old the little girls were and decided they were probably about a year and a half old. So, long story short, their mommy came up and we chatted a little bit. Sure enough, when I asked how old they were, she said 18 months. Then I decided to add insult to injury and ask when their birthday was. August 14th...just 15 days before you were born. It was fun to watch your big sister interact with them. She was teaching them how to throw and roll balls and other fun things like that. Then I realized something. You will be 18 months old next week. I didn't feel terribly sad when I realized it. It was more just like, huh, so that's what he'd be like. It did make me a little sad when I realized that's what it would be like to see your big sister playing with you though. She's such a sweet girl and seeing how gentle and kind she was with those little girls made my heart ache just a little bit.
I think about what I was doing fifteen days before we lost you. And I think about being completely oblivious to what was going to happen. It's amazing what can happen in 15 days. It makes me want to be more thankful for each day I live now.
I love you little one. Take care up there and think of your mommy please!
Monday, February 14, 2011
I cried
Good morning little one. I guess I should say Happy Valentine's Day too. It doesn't seem terribly happy today though. Oh well, I guess that's life. I don't know that I can completely wrap my head around why I'm feeling *blah* today, but I'll try to give you a glimpse into it.
But first, we need to go back in time to August 27, 2009. You see, that was the night of my baby shower for you. It was a Thursday and my running buddies had planned a super great party in your honor. I went to the shower, and posed by the cake for pictures.
I sat in the comfy rocking chair and opened presents just for you. 
I hung out with my running buddies and lots of other friends and some family too. It was a wonderful party to say the least. Everybody there was so excited for you to make your arrival. Everybody was...
Then after the shower I went home and decided I would take care of all of the things you and I had gotten at your big party. So, I sat in the rocking chair in your room and removed tags from clothes and blankets and toys. Then I put all of the clothes in the hamper so I could be sure they were washed and folded and put away just perfectly for when you came. While I sat there, I couldn't shake the thought that I hadn't felt you moving much that day. But I dismissed my thoughts and told myself that I was busy all day and probably just hadn't paid enough attention.
Then it happened. We all know how the rest of the story goes...and it just happened that the rest of the story started just a few hours after I took the tags of of those things and dismissed my thoughts regarding your lack of movement.
SO...
I have not been to a baby shower since yours.
I have not really been back to that friends' house since then.
But as you know, Carter, being "safe" and "comfortable" don't last forever. And last night my internal flood gates were broken. I can't say it's a bad thing. I can't say I was even worried about it all that much.
You see little one, my running buddies and I threw a baby shower for one of our friends last night. It just so happened that the baby shower was for a little boy. And, the shower was at the same friend's house (she's the pregnant one).
I had thought about the shower quite a bit even last week, but I didn't let myself get freaked out about what could/might/probably would happen once I got there. I had given myself the option of bringing the cake and leaving if I felt the need. But I really wanted to be there for my friend. She is such a good friend to me and was even there when you were born. It's not like I felt I owed it to her, but she means a lot to me and I wanted to be there for her.
Then I drove up to her house and parked my car. Once I turned the car off I felt like I could have puked. But, I gathered my things and walked toward the house. With each step I was thinking about what I would and wouldn't do once I got in there. I had decided I would not put the cake on the table since that was where my cake sat. And I decided I wasn't going to sit in the living room while she opened presents because that's where everyone was sitting for our shower too. So, I stood in the kitchen and just leaned on the wall trying to blend in with my surroundings. I didn't want to make the shower about me in any way shape or form. So I gave the polite "I'm good" smiles to people when I caught them glancing at me.
Then it happened. My friend started opening presents and the first one contained super cute little boy clothes. She of course held them up and showed them off. She is going to be such a proud mama to this little guy. I held back my tears as I looked at her in the same spot I was sitting at our shower, although in a different chair. The tears just sat on my eyelids and I was doing a pretty good job of holding them in until...
My friend proudly held up another outfit and looked my way with a smile. She just looked at me and said, "This is really hard for you isn't it? I just realized that." I just nodded my head to confirm her suspicions and started to weep. Dog gone it, Sara! This wasn't supposed to be about you. And I told all of my friends that. I felt horrible for crying. I felt horrible for turning the happiness of her shower into a glum, sad "Sara's crying" fest. But at the same time, I have learned since losing you, that there are sometimes when the tears just come and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.
I was grateful that just a few minutes were taken by various friends to give me hugs and to gently change the subject so I could compose myself and be ok for the rest of the party.
In the end, I can say I am proud I lived through the shower. I am definitely not biting at the bit to attend another one any time in the near future.
And when I went home, your daddy greeted me with a hug and asked how it went. Then before I went to bed, I went in and kissed each of your sisters. When I kissed your big sister I realized that she is the reason I have not lost my mind since losing you. You see, I needed to be a functioning human being in order to be her mommy and that has helped me on many days. Then I kissed your little sister too and I realized that she is what gave me hope after losing you. Without being pregnant with her and now having her with us, I don't know that I could fully appreciate what it means to hold such great hope in my soul.
Your sisters have taught me so much. Just like you have taught me too. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in life because of my wonderful kiddos. And last night I learned another one. I learned that it's ok to cry at baby showers, and I learned that it's ok to celebrate at them too.
I love you, Carter.
But first, we need to go back in time to August 27, 2009. You see, that was the night of my baby shower for you. It was a Thursday and my running buddies had planned a super great party in your honor. I went to the shower, and posed by the cake for pictures.
I sat in the comfy rocking chair and opened presents just for you. 
I hung out with my running buddies and lots of other friends and some family too. It was a wonderful party to say the least. Everybody there was so excited for you to make your arrival. Everybody was...Then after the shower I went home and decided I would take care of all of the things you and I had gotten at your big party. So, I sat in the rocking chair in your room and removed tags from clothes and blankets and toys. Then I put all of the clothes in the hamper so I could be sure they were washed and folded and put away just perfectly for when you came. While I sat there, I couldn't shake the thought that I hadn't felt you moving much that day. But I dismissed my thoughts and told myself that I was busy all day and probably just hadn't paid enough attention.
Then it happened. We all know how the rest of the story goes...and it just happened that the rest of the story started just a few hours after I took the tags of of those things and dismissed my thoughts regarding your lack of movement.
SO...
I have not been to a baby shower since yours.
I have not really been back to that friends' house since then.
But as you know, Carter, being "safe" and "comfortable" don't last forever. And last night my internal flood gates were broken. I can't say it's a bad thing. I can't say I was even worried about it all that much.
You see little one, my running buddies and I threw a baby shower for one of our friends last night. It just so happened that the baby shower was for a little boy. And, the shower was at the same friend's house (she's the pregnant one).
I had thought about the shower quite a bit even last week, but I didn't let myself get freaked out about what could/might/probably would happen once I got there. I had given myself the option of bringing the cake and leaving if I felt the need. But I really wanted to be there for my friend. She is such a good friend to me and was even there when you were born. It's not like I felt I owed it to her, but she means a lot to me and I wanted to be there for her.
Then I drove up to her house and parked my car. Once I turned the car off I felt like I could have puked. But, I gathered my things and walked toward the house. With each step I was thinking about what I would and wouldn't do once I got in there. I had decided I would not put the cake on the table since that was where my cake sat. And I decided I wasn't going to sit in the living room while she opened presents because that's where everyone was sitting for our shower too. So, I stood in the kitchen and just leaned on the wall trying to blend in with my surroundings. I didn't want to make the shower about me in any way shape or form. So I gave the polite "I'm good" smiles to people when I caught them glancing at me.
Then it happened. My friend started opening presents and the first one contained super cute little boy clothes. She of course held them up and showed them off. She is going to be such a proud mama to this little guy. I held back my tears as I looked at her in the same spot I was sitting at our shower, although in a different chair. The tears just sat on my eyelids and I was doing a pretty good job of holding them in until...
My friend proudly held up another outfit and looked my way with a smile. She just looked at me and said, "This is really hard for you isn't it? I just realized that." I just nodded my head to confirm her suspicions and started to weep. Dog gone it, Sara! This wasn't supposed to be about you. And I told all of my friends that. I felt horrible for crying. I felt horrible for turning the happiness of her shower into a glum, sad "Sara's crying" fest. But at the same time, I have learned since losing you, that there are sometimes when the tears just come and there's nothing I can do to prevent it.
I was grateful that just a few minutes were taken by various friends to give me hugs and to gently change the subject so I could compose myself and be ok for the rest of the party.
In the end, I can say I am proud I lived through the shower. I am definitely not biting at the bit to attend another one any time in the near future.
And when I went home, your daddy greeted me with a hug and asked how it went. Then before I went to bed, I went in and kissed each of your sisters. When I kissed your big sister I realized that she is the reason I have not lost my mind since losing you. You see, I needed to be a functioning human being in order to be her mommy and that has helped me on many days. Then I kissed your little sister too and I realized that she is what gave me hope after losing you. Without being pregnant with her and now having her with us, I don't know that I could fully appreciate what it means to hold such great hope in my soul.
Your sisters have taught me so much. Just like you have taught me too. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned in life because of my wonderful kiddos. And last night I learned another one. I learned that it's ok to cry at baby showers, and I learned that it's ok to celebrate at them too.
I love you, Carter.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
You should try again for a boy
Hey little dude. Well, it's been an ok week here. I was sick earlier in the week, but am feeling much better now.
I did have a meeting for work on the day I was sick and that was no fun at all. But, I just stayed at work long enough to get through the meeting and then went home to bed. While I was at my meeting though, the topic of your sisters came up. I was bragging them up to the four gentlemen in the room with me and then it happened. One of the guys said, "Two girls huh? That's too bad. You should try again for a boy!" My response was, "I had one. He was stillborn." I didn't feel bad about saying it and I hope I didn't make him feel bad about what he had said either. I took that opportunity to talk about what happened to you and about how wonderful NILMDTS is.
It does make me sad when people say things like that. But, I know it wasn't said out of spite or any ill meaning. The guy was just trying to joke with me and as it turns out it's not a joke at all. But that's ok. I miss you like crazy and when I get to tell people about you, it makes me happy.
Then just yesterday my joy about your sisters apparently was showing quite a bit because I got this in an email:
Hey Sara;
GRRRRREAT pic of the kids yesterday! What a blessing!
My Pastor has given his yearly prophecy for 2011. He said in 2011
things are going to be different. By "different" he means it will be GOOD!
It will be HEALTHY! It will be PROSPEROUS! It will be JOYOUS! It will be
filled with LOVE! While the world only knows downturn and chaos, we are
to expect the best. We are to believe it in our hearts and confess it, OUT LOUD,
with our mouths! God wants the best for his children.
I am not trying to proselytize or anything. I just sensed your joy showing off
your children. Keep that joy close to your heart. You guys have certainly had
you past challenges and yet prevailed. YOU, your husband and family are truly
BLESSED! Just believe and say it, even when the world, the doctor's report or
your checkbook (and stupid pile of bills!) etc. is saying otherwise.
All the best and blessings to a different, GRRRRRREAT 2011!~
Sincerely,
Tom
So, there you have it. There will be "no trying again for a boy" for your family and there is an obvious gleam from your mama when she talks about your sisters.
Love you little boy.
I did have a meeting for work on the day I was sick and that was no fun at all. But, I just stayed at work long enough to get through the meeting and then went home to bed. While I was at my meeting though, the topic of your sisters came up. I was bragging them up to the four gentlemen in the room with me and then it happened. One of the guys said, "Two girls huh? That's too bad. You should try again for a boy!" My response was, "I had one. He was stillborn." I didn't feel bad about saying it and I hope I didn't make him feel bad about what he had said either. I took that opportunity to talk about what happened to you and about how wonderful NILMDTS is.
It does make me sad when people say things like that. But, I know it wasn't said out of spite or any ill meaning. The guy was just trying to joke with me and as it turns out it's not a joke at all. But that's ok. I miss you like crazy and when I get to tell people about you, it makes me happy.
Then just yesterday my joy about your sisters apparently was showing quite a bit because I got this in an email:
Hey Sara;
GRRRRREAT pic of the kids yesterday! What a blessing!
My Pastor has given his yearly prophecy for 2011. He said in 2011
things are going to be different. By "different" he means it will be GOOD!
It will be HEALTHY! It will be PROSPEROUS! It will be JOYOUS! It will be
filled with LOVE! While the world only knows downturn and chaos, we are
to expect the best. We are to believe it in our hearts and confess it, OUT LOUD,
with our mouths! God wants the best for his children.
I am not trying to proselytize or anything. I just sensed your joy showing off
your children. Keep that joy close to your heart. You guys have certainly had
you past challenges and yet prevailed. YOU, your husband and family are truly
BLESSED! Just believe and say it, even when the world, the doctor's report or
your checkbook (and stupid pile of bills!) etc. is saying otherwise.
All the best and blessings to a different, GRRRRRREAT 2011!~
Sincerely,
Tom
So, there you have it. There will be "no trying again for a boy" for your family and there is an obvious gleam from your mama when she talks about your sisters.
Love you little boy.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Exhausted
Hello again little one. Well I am hard at it again today and am feeling the exhaustion of life in general. I've been getting up early to work out each day. I've been trying my best to cook supper every night for our family and keep our house kept up. I've been busy at work. I'm tired. I'm tired for so many reasons that I can't even make into words right now. But here I am. I told a friend this morning that I'm even too tired to argue with anyone right now.
I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that we are taking your little sister back to Denver on the 27th for her head. (I'm still concerned about the bump on her skull, directly underneath her birthmark.)
I'm sure too that it has a lot to do with some friends of ours that are in a horrible situation. Basically they got into a huge argument and he flipped out so much so that he got arrested and is facing criminal charges. Now, let me say I in NO way condone his behavior, but I found out yesterday that she is having an affair with some dude she works with and has been for some time. I'm furious! Yes, hubby screwed up and shouldn't have acted the way that he did, but COME ON! Stay faithful in your marriage for crying out loud. The worst part of it, in my mind at least, is that they have a little boy who will be 1 in April. That little boy is being subjected to this horrible situation. That little guy has no idea what is going on and no way of saying what he's feeling. I'm sure he's confused. I'm sure he misses his daddy. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. How can a parent do such horrible things that affect their children like that? I'm torn about what I should do. Like I said before, I do not condone his behavior. But when I talked to her about what had happened (3 weeks ago), she told me that he had accused her of having an affair and completely denied it. How can I believe that any of the rest of her story is true when she would lie about that? So, I guess I just need to pray about it. Pray that God will bring me peace and lead me in the path He wants me to go on in this situation.
I'm tired too because of my own inner-spiritual vs. world view battle. There are some things I just don't understand in life. There is so much hate in the world and yet people can't seem to just concentrate on the love of Jesus Christ. Why does it have to be about who is right and who is wrong when it comes to circumstances and events? Doesn't God just want us to live life in a way that is pleasing to Him? Shouldn't I live each day like it's my last, leaving nothing on the table? Why can't we think less about changing people through force and more through our personal actions? Shouldn't I try to perfect my thoughts and actions before I tell the rest of the world how wrong they are? I'm frustrated. I'm trying not to worry about it, but how can I not? There are people out there that are hurting. And there are people out there (very well could be me in some circumstances) that just can't get over themselves enough to JUST LOVE THEM! Just love people. Everyone has their flaws. Dang, I know that! But stuffing my personal views of everything from politics to religion to child-care and everything in between down their throats won't show God through me.
I guess you can probably see that I have lots on my mind today. I wish I didn't, but I do. On top of it all, I miss you. But, hey that's no surprise is it? I was driving home just the other day and I had "that" thought again. The, "Oh my goodness, he's dead!" thought. I hate it when that thought comes into my mind. It seems so elementary. It seems as though my mind would be able to process that thought since I think about you every day. But there are times when my heart reminds me that life isn't just about the facts - the fact is, I know that you are gone. But, my heart has a very strange yet powerful ability to say, Hey! Your son, your baby, your second born, your perfect little one is buried in a cemetery up the road from your house and that is a terribly sad thing!" Ugh. Those are the thoughts and feelings that are hard.
Facts, and interpretation of the facts, are easy, feelings...not so much. So, that's where I am right now. Struggling with my feelings. Feeling tired. Feeling frustrated. Feeling sad. Feeling worried. Feeling overwhelmed.
Feeling, feeling, feeling, and yet none of those feelings can give me a glimpse of what it would feel like to have you here. None of those feelings are anything but human. And yet those very real human emotions and feelings are me.
I'm sorry I've been blabbing like crazy today, Carter. I guess I had a lot of things I just needed to get off my chest. Thanks for listening. I love you little one!
I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that we are taking your little sister back to Denver on the 27th for her head. (I'm still concerned about the bump on her skull, directly underneath her birthmark.)
I'm sure too that it has a lot to do with some friends of ours that are in a horrible situation. Basically they got into a huge argument and he flipped out so much so that he got arrested and is facing criminal charges. Now, let me say I in NO way condone his behavior, but I found out yesterday that she is having an affair with some dude she works with and has been for some time. I'm furious! Yes, hubby screwed up and shouldn't have acted the way that he did, but COME ON! Stay faithful in your marriage for crying out loud. The worst part of it, in my mind at least, is that they have a little boy who will be 1 in April. That little boy is being subjected to this horrible situation. That little guy has no idea what is going on and no way of saying what he's feeling. I'm sure he's confused. I'm sure he misses his daddy. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. How can a parent do such horrible things that affect their children like that? I'm torn about what I should do. Like I said before, I do not condone his behavior. But when I talked to her about what had happened (3 weeks ago), she told me that he had accused her of having an affair and completely denied it. How can I believe that any of the rest of her story is true when she would lie about that? So, I guess I just need to pray about it. Pray that God will bring me peace and lead me in the path He wants me to go on in this situation.
I'm tired too because of my own inner-spiritual vs. world view battle. There are some things I just don't understand in life. There is so much hate in the world and yet people can't seem to just concentrate on the love of Jesus Christ. Why does it have to be about who is right and who is wrong when it comes to circumstances and events? Doesn't God just want us to live life in a way that is pleasing to Him? Shouldn't I live each day like it's my last, leaving nothing on the table? Why can't we think less about changing people through force and more through our personal actions? Shouldn't I try to perfect my thoughts and actions before I tell the rest of the world how wrong they are? I'm frustrated. I'm trying not to worry about it, but how can I not? There are people out there that are hurting. And there are people out there (very well could be me in some circumstances) that just can't get over themselves enough to JUST LOVE THEM! Just love people. Everyone has their flaws. Dang, I know that! But stuffing my personal views of everything from politics to religion to child-care and everything in between down their throats won't show God through me.
I guess you can probably see that I have lots on my mind today. I wish I didn't, but I do. On top of it all, I miss you. But, hey that's no surprise is it? I was driving home just the other day and I had "that" thought again. The, "Oh my goodness, he's dead!" thought. I hate it when that thought comes into my mind. It seems so elementary. It seems as though my mind would be able to process that thought since I think about you every day. But there are times when my heart reminds me that life isn't just about the facts - the fact is, I know that you are gone. But, my heart has a very strange yet powerful ability to say, Hey! Your son, your baby, your second born, your perfect little one is buried in a cemetery up the road from your house and that is a terribly sad thing!" Ugh. Those are the thoughts and feelings that are hard.
Facts, and interpretation of the facts, are easy, feelings...not so much. So, that's where I am right now. Struggling with my feelings. Feeling tired. Feeling frustrated. Feeling sad. Feeling worried. Feeling overwhelmed.
Feeling, feeling, feeling, and yet none of those feelings can give me a glimpse of what it would feel like to have you here. None of those feelings are anything but human. And yet those very real human emotions and feelings are me.
I'm sorry I've been blabbing like crazy today, Carter. I guess I had a lot of things I just needed to get off my chest. Thanks for listening. I love you little one!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Another day
Good morning little one. Well it's another day in paradise as the saying goes. Believe it or not, everything has been pretty calm in my life again lately. There are lots of things happening all around me, but my life is pretty calm.
We did go on a trip this last weekend to visit some friends. That was a VERY fun time! The friends we visited used to live here but have since moved away. I was super sad when they left here and when we left there on Monday I was pretty bummed out again. The funny thing about visiting them is that we didn't even do much while we were there. We talked alot, laughed alot and looked at all of our kiddos in amazement. This friend has been there for me through thick and thin. She makes me laugh so hard I cry sometimes. Your big sister and one of her kiddos are 10 months apart in age. And your little sister and their newest addition are only two months apart. It was so fun to just be together for a weekend. I'm not sure when we will get to see them again, hopefully sooner than later. But no matter the time that goes by, she'll still be my buddy!
Other than that, things for your family have been normal. I have some friends who have some pretty major things going on in their lives right now though. One of my mommy friends recently found out that she was pregnant again after losing their little one in December 2008. She was so excited. Her due date was right around your little sister's birthday. Then she found out this weekend that she was miscarrying. My heart broke for her. She seems like she's doing ok. I hope she can let herself grieve this little one and I'm sure this loss brings up all sorts of emotions that have been subdued for a very long time now. I'm sad for my friend. Once again, I don't understand. I don't get why miscarriages happen. Yes, I know all about the logic of it all. But my heart just can't grasp it. She and her husband so desperately want(ed) another baby and would have taken wonderful care of him/her. So why then did their baby die? Why do people who don't even want kids have a half dozen of them? Why do people who beat their wives or do drugs or drink while pregnant have no stinkin' problem having babies?
It's not fair and it sure as heck isn't right. I like to say that I have a list of questions that I will ask God when I get to heaven. And the reality of the situation is that I really do. But the thing I look forward to, more than asking those questions, is holding you and your three siblings when I get there. That is my only saving grace. When I get there, my questions won't matter anymore because everything will be perfect!
I love you!
We did go on a trip this last weekend to visit some friends. That was a VERY fun time! The friends we visited used to live here but have since moved away. I was super sad when they left here and when we left there on Monday I was pretty bummed out again. The funny thing about visiting them is that we didn't even do much while we were there. We talked alot, laughed alot and looked at all of our kiddos in amazement. This friend has been there for me through thick and thin. She makes me laugh so hard I cry sometimes. Your big sister and one of her kiddos are 10 months apart in age. And your little sister and their newest addition are only two months apart. It was so fun to just be together for a weekend. I'm not sure when we will get to see them again, hopefully sooner than later. But no matter the time that goes by, she'll still be my buddy!
Other than that, things for your family have been normal. I have some friends who have some pretty major things going on in their lives right now though. One of my mommy friends recently found out that she was pregnant again after losing their little one in December 2008. She was so excited. Her due date was right around your little sister's birthday. Then she found out this weekend that she was miscarrying. My heart broke for her. She seems like she's doing ok. I hope she can let herself grieve this little one and I'm sure this loss brings up all sorts of emotions that have been subdued for a very long time now. I'm sad for my friend. Once again, I don't understand. I don't get why miscarriages happen. Yes, I know all about the logic of it all. But my heart just can't grasp it. She and her husband so desperately want(ed) another baby and would have taken wonderful care of him/her. So why then did their baby die? Why do people who don't even want kids have a half dozen of them? Why do people who beat their wives or do drugs or drink while pregnant have no stinkin' problem having babies?
It's not fair and it sure as heck isn't right. I like to say that I have a list of questions that I will ask God when I get to heaven. And the reality of the situation is that I really do. But the thing I look forward to, more than asking those questions, is holding you and your three siblings when I get there. That is my only saving grace. When I get there, my questions won't matter anymore because everything will be perfect!
I love you!
Friday, January 14, 2011
A new year
Hey Carter. I love you!
Well, it is officially a new year and I am happy to say it is starting out better than last year ended that's for dang sure!
To start, I have stopped having dreams about you. Now, of course that sounds bad, but I would much rather think of you while I'm not sleeping and have the thoughts be as normal as possible. Those dreams I was having were not fun.
Then, on January 3rd you became a cousin! My brother (your uncle )and his wife (your aunt) welcomed little, or not so little, Knox Benjamin into this world. He is a whopper! Weighing in at 9 lbs 10 ozs. he's gonna give your little sister a run for her money. (She's only 13 lbs. 10 ozs. currently!) I am an "Auntie" and can't wait to meet him in February. Your uncle is taking this daddy thing in stride. And it was amazing to hear the transformation in him from the moment your cousin was born. He's going to be a GREAT daddy!
I don't know what this year will bring. I don't have any real hopes per se. But, I do know that I will do everything in my power to enjoy every day. Every day is a gift, Carter. Nothing in life is guaranteed and you taught me that. You, a 5 lb 3.9 oz little boy who didn't take a breath on Earth, taught me life's greatest lesson.
I've been listening to KLOVE a lot lately, as I always do, and they are talking about choosing one word for the year. One word. One word that will define what someone hopes to get out of the year. So, I've been thinking. And although I haven't made my final decision yet, some of the words that come to mind for me are the "Fruits of the spirit" from the book of Galatians: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Now to just pick one. I'll have to report back on that subject I guess! I'm leaning toward peace though. We'll see if it sticks.
I have been reading something that is pinned to my wall at work a lot lately too. It says:
When I get up in the morning, I will sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better.
God didn't put me on Earth to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we are called human beings, not human doings.
Happy Moments, PRAISE God
Difficult Moments, SEEK God
Quiet Moments, WORSHIP God
Painful Moments, TRUST God
Every Moment, THANK God
God is an awesome God. That I know. And that awesome God has carried me through three miscarriages and a stillborn baby. He has walked beside me through life's biggest celebrations too. I know He was jumping up and down when your sisters were born. I just know it.
Even if I don't understand God and His ways. I know that on my good days He celebrates with me. I know too that on my bad days, He holds me and lets me beat on His chest while I cry. That is love. Pure and simple...LOVE!
Happy New Year, baby boy. I miss you like crazy. I love you more than you could ever imagine!
Well, it is officially a new year and I am happy to say it is starting out better than last year ended that's for dang sure!
To start, I have stopped having dreams about you. Now, of course that sounds bad, but I would much rather think of you while I'm not sleeping and have the thoughts be as normal as possible. Those dreams I was having were not fun.
Then, on January 3rd you became a cousin! My brother (your uncle )and his wife (your aunt) welcomed little, or not so little, Knox Benjamin into this world. He is a whopper! Weighing in at 9 lbs 10 ozs. he's gonna give your little sister a run for her money. (She's only 13 lbs. 10 ozs. currently!) I am an "Auntie" and can't wait to meet him in February. Your uncle is taking this daddy thing in stride. And it was amazing to hear the transformation in him from the moment your cousin was born. He's going to be a GREAT daddy!
I don't know what this year will bring. I don't have any real hopes per se. But, I do know that I will do everything in my power to enjoy every day. Every day is a gift, Carter. Nothing in life is guaranteed and you taught me that. You, a 5 lb 3.9 oz little boy who didn't take a breath on Earth, taught me life's greatest lesson.
I've been listening to KLOVE a lot lately, as I always do, and they are talking about choosing one word for the year. One word. One word that will define what someone hopes to get out of the year. So, I've been thinking. And although I haven't made my final decision yet, some of the words that come to mind for me are the "Fruits of the spirit" from the book of Galatians: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Now to just pick one. I'll have to report back on that subject I guess! I'm leaning toward peace though. We'll see if it sticks.
I have been reading something that is pinned to my wall at work a lot lately too. It says:
When I get up in the morning, I will sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better.
God didn't put me on Earth to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we are called human beings, not human doings.
Happy Moments, PRAISE God
Difficult Moments, SEEK God
Quiet Moments, WORSHIP God
Painful Moments, TRUST God
Every Moment, THANK God
God is an awesome God. That I know. And that awesome God has carried me through three miscarriages and a stillborn baby. He has walked beside me through life's biggest celebrations too. I know He was jumping up and down when your sisters were born. I just know it.
Even if I don't understand God and His ways. I know that on my good days He celebrates with me. I know too that on my bad days, He holds me and lets me beat on His chest while I cry. That is love. Pure and simple...LOVE!
Happy New Year, baby boy. I miss you like crazy. I love you more than you could ever imagine!
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