Who am I?

Good morning Carter. I love you and hope you are having a good day up there with your friends today. Do you get to experience seasons or is it the same every day? I guess that's just one more thing I will have to wait and experience with you once I get there.

I have been thinking lately about who I am. Who I am in my eyes and who I am to the world I live in.

So I'm going to try to share with you who I am...some things I'm not proud of and there are some things that bring me pain. But then there are other things that I love being and love being known as.

I am...Sara and my name means princess.
I am...29 years old.
I am...a mom to six children.
I am...a mom to only one living child (hopefully that number will increase to 2 on September 1st).
I am...categorized as someone with "A history of term demise" when it comes to delivering your little sister.
I am...someone who cannot successfully carry a baby out of the first trimester unless I am on medications to force my body to stay pregnant.
I am...a wife.
I am...the proud wife of a police officer who loves his job and it shows.
I am...a wife that tells her husband every night before he leaves for work to "be careful". That's my way of putting the responsibility on him intead of worrying myself every night about his safety.
I am...a daughter.
I am...a sister.
I am...a child of God.
I am...someone who loved being in labor with your big sister and looks very forward to being in labor with your little sister too.
I am...scared that your sisters will die.
I am...praying that my fears aren't realized.
I am...a mom who works full-time but not because I love my job, only because it allows me to provide for my family.
I am...a college graduate with a degree in business administration and another in Spanish.
I am...an athlete.
I am...a triathlete.
I am...frustrated that I can't exercise right now.
I am...a friend.
I am...tired.
I am...crabby.
I am...drained.
I am...a lot more mellow than I ever was before losing you.
I am...a talker.
I am...trying to be a better listener.
I am...wondering still why it is that I have to visit my son at the cemetery instead of picking him up from daycare.
I am...wondering if I will ever be able to look at kiddos your age and not fall apart.
I am...thinking there is a lot of junk in the world that people all around me are dealing with and I don't understand why there is so much pain and heartache.
I am...an animal lover.
I am...slightly crazy apparently since we have five pets (3 dogs and 2 cats).
I am...grateful for the sunshine.
I am...grateful for the home I live in.
I am...100% Dutch. (Ya ain't much if ya ain't Dutch! This explains why I'm so cheap!)
I am...getting gray hair and I don't care!
I am...stubborn as heck.
I am...a lover of candy and junk food.
I am...not a big fruit eater...ok let's be honest...I don't really eat any fruit.
I am...a Christian music fan. It's all I listen to unless your sister is in the car and we are listening to princess songs on cd.

I think this list is a pretty comprehensive look at who your mommy is. I know it isn't complete by any means. But it gives you a glimpse of me. I hope there are some things in there that make you proud of me, Carter. I wish you could see these things for yourself down here instead of from up there in heaven. But you can't, so instead I have to write them to you. Thanks for listening little boy. I love you.