Missing you

Hey you. Well let me first say how sorry I am that it has taken me so long to write to you again. I've missed you like crazy and life has been nuts. Life with two kiddos in the house is much different than it was before your little sister was born. Those two little girls definitely keep me busy and make me smile each and every day.

Just the other day I had a rough time though. I don't know what it was but I missed you so much that it hurt. I had that yucky lump in my throat and my chest just felt tight. I cried and I haven't done that in quite some time. I decided since I was missing you so much that I would go visit you. It was nice to go out there, but then I was even more sad when I drove up and saw that your headstone was covered in snow. I felt bad that I hadn't been there to clean it off before then. It is clean for now though. On my way to work after I left from seeing you, I saw many flocks of geese. Seeing them always makes me happy and I always think of you. I know you are up there looking down on your family and I like to think that you send those geese right when you know I'll need them.

I was looking online today and saw the most amazing thing. A woman named Elizabeth Edwards died just the other day and oddly enough, she lost a son a while back too and now she lost her battle with cancer. The thing that struck me though is what she said about her life. I like to think that hopefully your sisters will say something similar about me when I'm gone. She said:

"I do know that when they are older, and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way - and it surely has not - she adjusted her sails."

She also said, "If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and... that's a great, great gift."

I will always remember you. I will always encourage others to remember you too. It's hard though because the farther away from your birth/death we get, the less people talk about you. I will always say I have three children. I will never deny you no matter how it makes other people feel. You matter. You always have and you always will.

I think things are probably harder right now with the holidays coming up and I acknowledge that. I wonder if I will ever be able to make it through these months without crying. I wonder if I will ever be able to sing all of Silent Night again. Singing "Sleep in Heavenly Peace" absolutely kills me. Even just hearing that on the radio is difficult.

So, here I am...on the 8th of December 2010...a mommy to you and your sisters here on Earth and I still feel somewhat lost. I guess that sail adjustment needs to be a constant thing. I'm working on it! ;- ) I love you!