One of those days again

Hey you. Well I wish it wasn't, but it is one of those days again. I'd like to say I don't know what triggered it, but I think I do. I'm almost embarrassed to say what though. I think I'm struggling today because I read your story again. =- ( Part of me doesn't understand how that could make me sad. But the other part of me can't shake the lump in my throat, the pain in my heart and the knot in my tummy.

When I read it, I couldn't help but go back to that day...those days. And when I read it, I felt it all over just like it felt then. How is that possible? How could it be that even though we are nearly 16 months post-loss and I can still remember those feelings and they just pop right back into me?

I feel somewhat guilty about it. I feel horrible about it. I should think of you and feel happy, but today I feel crushed. Today I feel sick and that's not something I like to admit. I want to always feel happy about you. You have taught me so much and you have changed me...every part of me.

So how can something so wonderful tear me up like it does?

It's because you aren't here. It's because I think about everything that happened. I think about everything that has happened since then and about the person I have become.

I think about the question...the "Would you change anything?" question. That is so very complicated. I can't answer that in any way that would be sufficient for my own heart. Because for me to answer that question, one would have to take into account a lot of things. You would need to consider changing the story of my life and the story of my kids. You see, if I hadn't miscarried in January of 2005, May of 2005 and January of 2007 I wouldn't have your big sister. And if I hadn't lost you, I wouldn't have your little sister. I don't want to think about not having your sisters. And as much as I have come to terms with my miscarriages, I don't know that I'll ever truly come to terms with losing you.

So, I just pray that no one ever asks me that dreaded question. And if it does come up. My heart tells me to leave it unanswered since there is no answer good enough. All I know is, my six pregnancies - including 3 miscarriages, one stillbirth and two living, breathing, beautiful daughters is what makes Sara, Sara. Even with as ugly as that may be and with as many horrible, painful tears I have cried...it is me. That is Sara. =- ( I wouldn't have chosen that story for myself and I am grateful that I didn't see any of it coming. I guess God really has watched out for me through it all. And even though I can't see straight sometimes, God is there and He is walking beside me every second of every day.