Why?

Ugh.

To say that I'm sad is an understatement. To say that I'm mad would be too.

Today I found out that one of my very best friends, Rhonda, has cancer (again) and is going to die.

I met her when your daddy and I moved to Wyoming (seven years ago). We worked together at a bank. She was a friend at first, but now is more of a big sister to me. In 2007 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and fought like crazy to beat it. The day your big sister was born she was still receiving treatments. She was cancer free for a while but struggled immensely with other health issues as a result of the chemo.

The day you were born, she was there to hold you. And after everyone else left the hospital that night around 3am...she stayed. She's the one that stayed until after we gave you away. She stayed to be sure we were ok.

Just this July she turned 40. Just 40! Then today, she wrote this:

ok...so I was going to wait until the new year to spill the beans, but Elizabeth Edwards death hit me hard and made me realize we don't know how much time we have on this earth. So here goes...my breast cancer has metastasized to my lung(s). I am fine and feeling fine. My family is hurting and taking it pretty hard.... Please keep them in your prayers. Thanks for all your love and support!!

OH MY GOD!

I called her as soon as I read it. We talked and talked. She told me that the cancer isn't curable. She told me that she's not going to go through treatment because it would not matter in the long run and that she wanted to have QUALITY over quantity of life. I know people will judge her for her decision not to go through treatment and they will say she's selfish. But isn't it more selfish for us to want her to be horribly sick and struggle through chemo and whatever else again? She has told her doctor that she doesn't want a time-line because she doesn't want it hanging over her head.

Bottom-line, she's going to die and she just wants to make the most of the time she has left. She is so brave. She told me that she knows where she is going when she dies and that she's ok with it. She has a greater faith than I could ever imagine having.

I feel so sad for her family. I feel so sad for me. I know it's not about me. I know she just needs love from me and the rest of your family. And love her I will! But, right now I'm mad. I'm mad that God would let this happen. I'm mad that my friend is going to die and I'm mad that I'll never get to call her up to just chit-chat or have lunch again. I'm heartbroken that your sisters won't grow up knowing her. I'M MAD! Mad is the nice way of putting it actually. I'm freakin' pissed. I'm pissed that a person who has always been there for me will not be anymore. I know...God is there for me...blah blah blah...that seems like a cliche thing to say. I know God is there but COME ON!

I will come to terms with this and I'm sure Rhonda will help with that. But for right now I'm mad and being mad brings all sorts of yucky emotions up from my gut. ARGH!