Hello little one. Well, today is another day and I am happy to report that I did make it out to see you the other day. That made my heart and head happy.
I don't know what is up right now, but I've been dreaming about you a lot lately. I don't know if it is the holidays or what it is, but you are obviously on my mind. I wish I could say the dreams make me happy, but they don't. Let me explain. About a week ago I had a dream that you were here and one of our family members was holding you. But then when I wanted to hold you, you were gone. So I spent a lot of time after that (in my dream) looking for you but couldn't find you. Then last night I had a dream that you were here too. And I was able to hold you and kiss you and show you off to people. Here's the catch though, you were still dead. I was pushing a dead baby around in a stroller. I was showing you off to everyone, all of our friends and family. I got to a point in my dream where I asked my friend, Beth if she would help me on the next day to bring you to the funeral home because I didn't think I could do it alone.
I am trying not to over think it. But my heart is telling me that even if you were here, you would still be dead. And as much as I want to have you with me, it would not be a good thing if you were here considering your little body has been gone for 16 months now. I know it is creepy. I know I probably sound crazy. I don't know why I dream these things. But I do know that I always wake up missing you more when I have them.
And to top it off, when you daddy and I went to bed last night I told him that today is your 16 month birthday. Well, guess what...it's not. =- ( Yesterday was. I am sorry I missed it. I can't believe everything that has happened in the last 16 months. I can't believe how life has changed yet stayed the same. I've been blessed beyond measure. I am surrounded still by people that mention your name. I am surrounded by people who will still let me be sad and for that I am EXTREMELY grateful. I have people around me that will laugh with me too. I'm blessed. I also get to go home every day to two little girls that smile at me, depend on me and love me with all of their sweet little hearts.
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Well sweet little baby...I dreamt about you too last week...as hard as I tried I just couldn't get to you or touch you. Your mommy writing about her dreams reminded me of a distressing dream I had about my brother after he died. He was "sitting" at the breakfast nook at Grandma Lori's, everyone else just kept walking past while I was greatly distressed with trying to tell people it was time we buried him. I won't ever forget that dream, I felt that what it was saying to me was that I knew it was time "to bury" him...I realized some time after his death while I was in a hospital waiting room after your mommy had another seizure, that even if I had God himself come down and tell me "why" my brother had died and my baby was having seizures, it wouldn't make either thing ok or any easier to deal with as my brother would still be gone and my baby was still sick....that's when I believe I came to some kind of acceptance. Grief is such an all-consuming thing. Sweet little boy, your death will never be OK to me...I will never understand it...but I do trust that you have ALWAYS been held in Jesus' loving hands, safe and well...I like to think of you being held by my dad who never got to hold your mommy-which has always made me so sad...He would have thought she was so sweet! Bumpa and I will "visit" you and bring you cars, but I am so happy to then go see your sister's and their happy little faces...you are all so very precious! They are here...and need us to care for them, love them and NEVER take them for granted. Soon we will have our second little grandson...2 granddaughters and 2 grandsons...it just breaks my heart that one of my gradnsons lives in heaven where I can't see him...but sweet baby, I do know that you are ok and would NEVER begrudge us living our life here to the fullest possible...because after all...that's what we would have done if you were still here. Life is so full of sorrow...maybe it helps those of us who dare to cry, be able to laugh with overwhelming joy...and never take one moment of this life for granted...one of the saddest statements I have come to know in my life is that "life goes on"...yet, it also is what has kept me "going" at times in my life when I had neither the will, energy or desire to continue. So for today, sweet baby, I will say, I miss you horribly, but promise to always do whatever I possibly can on this earth to love and help your mommy and daddy and sisters'. And when you cousin, Knox is born I will be so joyous...because that is what it should be like at the birth of a baby! I love you always, your Nana
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