Merry? Christmas

Hi little one.

Well, today is Christmas Eve Eve (aka December 23rd). I have been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple of days. That seems to be a dangerous thing for me lately! ;- )

I have a physical ache. My stomach is in knots. I don't feel horribly sad, at least that's not how I would describe it. I just have "that" feeling in my stomach today. Not a sad feeling per se...more of an empty and aching feeling. A feeling like something/someone is missing but shouldn't be. =- ( Does that make sense? I just miss you. I was thinking while I drove to work today. I realized something. I don't want to be in heaven with you. I like my life here on Earth. But, I want you here with me. And that's what hurts. I don't want you to be up there! I want to be grumbling at you and Hannah because you are not sharing your toys. I want to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I want to give you kiss upon kiss upon kiss. That's what hurts. I hate that I will (for the second year) go to the cemetery on Christmas morning just to spend a little time with you.

I am excited for your sisters to experience Christmas. Hannah is super excited and wants a kitchen more than she can tell you. And little Abigail, well...she's here and she's alive and well. For that I am grateful!

So, if I don't get a chance to write to you again before then...Merry Christmas in heaven, Carter. I love you and miss you with all of my heart!