Exhausted

Hello again little one. Well I am hard at it again today and am feeling the exhaustion of life in general. I've been getting up early to work out each day. I've been trying my best to cook supper every night for our family and keep our house kept up. I've been busy at work. I'm tired. I'm tired for so many reasons that I can't even make into words right now. But here I am. I told a friend this morning that I'm even too tired to argue with anyone right now.

I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that we are taking your little sister back to Denver on the 27th for her head. (I'm still concerned about the bump on her skull, directly underneath her birthmark.)

I'm sure too that it has a lot to do with some friends of ours that are in a horrible situation. Basically they got into a huge argument and he flipped out so much so that he got arrested and is facing criminal charges. Now, let me say I in NO way condone his behavior, but I found out yesterday that she is having an affair with some dude she works with and has been for some time. I'm furious! Yes, hubby screwed up and shouldn't have acted the way that he did, but COME ON! Stay faithful in your marriage for crying out loud. The worst part of it, in my mind at least, is that they have a little boy who will be 1 in April. That little boy is being subjected to this horrible situation. That little guy has no idea what is going on and no way of saying what he's feeling. I'm sure he's confused. I'm sure he misses his daddy. It makes me sad. It makes me angry. How can a parent do such horrible things that affect their children like that? I'm torn about what I should do. Like I said before, I do not condone his behavior. But when I talked to her about what had happened (3 weeks ago), she told me that he had accused her of having an affair and completely denied it. How can I believe that any of the rest of her story is true when she would lie about that? So, I guess I just need to pray about it. Pray that God will bring me peace and lead me in the path He wants me to go on in this situation.

I'm tired too because of my own inner-spiritual vs. world view battle. There are some things I just don't understand in life. There is so much hate in the world and yet people can't seem to just concentrate on the love of Jesus Christ. Why does it have to be about who is right and who is wrong when it comes to circumstances and events? Doesn't God just want us to live life in a way that is pleasing to Him? Shouldn't I live each day like it's my last, leaving nothing on the table? Why can't we think less about changing people through force and more through our personal actions? Shouldn't I try to perfect my thoughts and actions before I tell the rest of the world how wrong they are? I'm frustrated. I'm trying not to worry about it, but how can I not? There are people out there that are hurting. And there are people out there (very well could be me in some circumstances) that just can't get over themselves enough to JUST LOVE THEM! Just love people. Everyone has their flaws. Dang, I know that! But stuffing my personal views of everything from politics to religion to child-care and everything in between down their throats won't show God through me.

I guess you can probably see that I have lots on my mind today. I wish I didn't, but I do. On top of it all, I miss you. But, hey that's no surprise is it? I was driving home just the other day and I had "that" thought again. The, "Oh my goodness, he's dead!" thought. I hate it when that thought comes into my mind. It seems so elementary. It seems as though my mind would be able to process that thought since I think about you every day. But there are times when my heart reminds me that life isn't just about the facts - the fact is, I know that you are gone. But, my heart has a very strange yet powerful ability to say, Hey! Your son, your baby, your second born, your perfect little one is buried in a cemetery up the road from your house and that is a terribly sad thing!" Ugh. Those are the thoughts and feelings that are hard.

Facts, and interpretation of the facts, are easy, feelings...not so much. So, that's where I am right now. Struggling with my feelings. Feeling tired. Feeling frustrated. Feeling sad. Feeling worried. Feeling overwhelmed.

Feeling, feeling, feeling, and yet none of those feelings can give me a glimpse of what it would feel like to have you here. None of those feelings are anything but human. And yet those very real human emotions and feelings are me.

I'm sorry I've been blabbing like crazy today, Carter. I guess I had a lot of things I just needed to get off my chest. Thanks for listening. I love you little one!

Another day

Good morning little one. Well it's another day in paradise as the saying goes. Believe it or not, everything has been pretty calm in my life again lately. There are lots of things happening all around me, but my life is pretty calm.

We did go on a trip this last weekend to visit some friends. That was a VERY fun time! The friends we visited used to live here but have since moved away. I was super sad when they left here and when we left there on Monday I was pretty bummed out again. The funny thing about visiting them is that we didn't even do much while we were there. We talked alot, laughed alot and looked at all of our kiddos in amazement. This friend has been there for me through thick and thin. She makes me laugh so hard I cry sometimes. Your big sister and one of her kiddos are 10 months apart in age. And your little sister and their newest addition are only two months apart. It was so fun to just be together for a weekend. I'm not sure when we will get to see them again, hopefully sooner than later. But no matter the time that goes by, she'll still be my buddy!

Other than that, things for your family have been normal. I have some friends who have some pretty major things going on in their lives right now though. One of my mommy friends recently found out that she was pregnant again after losing their little one in December 2008. She was so excited. Her due date was right around your little sister's birthday. Then she found out this weekend that she was miscarrying. My heart broke for her. She seems like she's doing ok. I hope she can let herself grieve this little one and I'm sure this loss brings up all sorts of emotions that have been subdued for a very long time now. I'm sad for my friend. Once again, I don't understand. I don't get why miscarriages happen. Yes, I know all about the logic of it all. But my heart just can't grasp it. She and her husband so desperately want(ed) another baby and would have taken wonderful care of him/her. So why then did their baby die? Why do people who don't even want kids have a half dozen of them? Why do people who beat their wives or do drugs or drink while pregnant have no stinkin' problem having babies?

It's not fair and it sure as heck isn't right. I like to say that I have a list of questions that I will ask God when I get to heaven. And the reality of the situation is that I really do. But the thing I look forward to, more than asking those questions, is holding you and your three siblings when I get there. That is my only saving grace. When I get there, my questions won't matter anymore because everything will be perfect!

I love you!

A new year

Hey Carter. I love you!

Well, it is officially a new year and I am happy to say it is starting out better than last year ended that's for dang sure!

To start, I have stopped having dreams about you. Now, of course that sounds bad, but I would much rather think of you while I'm not sleeping and have the thoughts be as normal as possible. Those dreams I was having were not fun.

Then, on January 3rd you became a cousin! My brother (your uncle )and his wife (your aunt) welcomed little, or not so little, Knox Benjamin into this world. He is a whopper! Weighing in at 9 lbs 10 ozs. he's gonna give your little sister a run for her money. (She's only 13 lbs. 10 ozs. currently!) I am an "Auntie" and can't wait to meet him in February. Your uncle is taking this daddy thing in stride. And it was amazing to hear the transformation in him from the moment your cousin was born. He's going to be a GREAT daddy!

I don't know what this year will bring. I don't have any real hopes per se. But, I do know that I will do everything in my power to enjoy every day. Every day is a gift, Carter. Nothing in life is guaranteed and you taught me that. You, a 5 lb 3.9 oz little boy who didn't take a breath on Earth, taught me life's greatest lesson.

I've been listening to KLOVE a lot lately, as I always do, and they are talking about choosing one word for the year. One word. One word that will define what someone hopes to get out of the year. So, I've been thinking. And although I haven't made my final decision yet, some of the words that come to mind for me are the "Fruits of the spirit" from the book of Galatians: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Now to just pick one. I'll have to report back on that subject I guess! I'm leaning toward peace though. We'll see if it sticks.

I have been reading something that is pinned to my wall at work a lot lately too. It says:

When I get up in the morning, I will sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better.
God didn't put me on Earth to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we are called human beings, not human doings.
Happy Moments, PRAISE God
Difficult Moments, SEEK God
Quiet Moments, WORSHIP God
Painful Moments, TRUST God
Every Moment, THANK God

God is an awesome God. That I know. And that awesome God has carried me through three miscarriages and a stillborn baby. He has walked beside me through life's biggest celebrations too. I know He was jumping up and down when your sisters were born. I just know it.

Even if I don't understand God and His ways. I know that on my good days He celebrates with me. I know too that on my bad days, He holds me and lets me beat on His chest while I cry. That is love. Pure and simple...LOVE!

Happy New Year, baby boy. I miss you like crazy. I love you more than you could ever imagine!

Dreams about you

Hello little one. Well, today is another day and I am happy to report that I did make it out to see you the other day. That made my heart and head happy.

I don't know what is up right now, but I've been dreaming about you a lot lately. I don't know if it is the holidays or what it is, but you are obviously on my mind. I wish I could say the dreams make me happy, but they don't. Let me explain. About a week ago I had a dream that you were here and one of our family members was holding you. But then when I wanted to hold you, you were gone. So I spent a lot of time after that (in my dream) looking for you but couldn't find you. Then last night I had a dream that you were here too. And I was able to hold you and kiss you and show you off to people. Here's the catch though, you were still dead. I was pushing a dead baby around in a stroller. I was showing you off to everyone, all of our friends and family. I got to a point in my dream where I asked my friend, Beth if she would help me on the next day to bring you to the funeral home because I didn't think I could do it alone.

I am trying not to over think it. But my heart is telling me that even if you were here, you would still be dead. And as much as I want to have you with me, it would not be a good thing if you were here considering your little body has been gone for 16 months now. I know it is creepy. I know I probably sound crazy. I don't know why I dream these things. But I do know that I always wake up missing you more when I have them.

And to top it off, when you daddy and I went to bed last night I told him that today is your 16 month birthday. Well, guess what...it's not. =- ( Yesterday was. I am sorry I missed it. I can't believe everything that has happened in the last 16 months. I can't believe how life has changed yet stayed the same. I've been blessed beyond measure. I am surrounded still by people that mention your name. I am surrounded by people who will still let me be sad and for that I am EXTREMELY grateful. I have people around me that will laugh with me too. I'm blessed. I also get to go home every day to two little girls that smile at me, depend on me and love me with all of their sweet little hearts.

World's Worst Mom

Hi Carter.

Well, let me start with the positives. We just celebrated Christmas and your big sister had a blast. Your little sister, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to it all. But what can you expect for a first Christmas right?!? We had a very nice time with your Nana and Bumpa. And we even had some unexpected visitors when you Grandpa, Grandma and Uncle showed up. It was fast and furious. It was crazy busy. It was a great couple of days.

Then it happened...last night I was putting our Christmas stuff away (early I know) and when I was putting your ornaments away I realized something...

I didn't go visit you on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. And it had taken me until around 4pm on the 26th to even realize it. =- ( I felt, and still feel, horrible. The worst part of it is, I still haven't gotten out there and it's 1:30 on the 27th. I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!

In reality there is no excuse for my forgetfulness. I feel horrible about it. I didn't forget about you, I promise! I thought about you a lot! I don't even know what to say other than I am super, duper sorry and I will do everything in my power to never let it happen again. I would like to make excuses by saying we were busy and that time just got away from me. And that is the truth, but I still forgot to visit you. =- (

I am going to hopefully leave work a few minutes early today so I can go see you before I pick your sisters up. I love you little one and I am so sorry!

Merry? Christmas

Hi little one.

Well, today is Christmas Eve Eve (aka December 23rd). I have been doing a lot of thinking in the last couple of days. That seems to be a dangerous thing for me lately! ;- )

I have a physical ache. My stomach is in knots. I don't feel horribly sad, at least that's not how I would describe it. I just have "that" feeling in my stomach today. Not a sad feeling per se...more of an empty and aching feeling. A feeling like something/someone is missing but shouldn't be. =- ( Does that make sense? I just miss you. I was thinking while I drove to work today. I realized something. I don't want to be in heaven with you. I like my life here on Earth. But, I want you here with me. And that's what hurts. I don't want you to be up there! I want to be grumbling at you and Hannah because you are not sharing your toys. I want to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I want to give you kiss upon kiss upon kiss. That's what hurts. I hate that I will (for the second year) go to the cemetery on Christmas morning just to spend a little time with you.

I am excited for your sisters to experience Christmas. Hannah is super excited and wants a kitchen more than she can tell you. And little Abigail, well...she's here and she's alive and well. For that I am grateful!

So, if I don't get a chance to write to you again before then...Merry Christmas in heaven, Carter. I love you and miss you with all of my heart!

One of those days again

Hey you. Well I wish it wasn't, but it is one of those days again. I'd like to say I don't know what triggered it, but I think I do. I'm almost embarrassed to say what though. I think I'm struggling today because I read your story again. =- ( Part of me doesn't understand how that could make me sad. But the other part of me can't shake the lump in my throat, the pain in my heart and the knot in my tummy.

When I read it, I couldn't help but go back to that day...those days. And when I read it, I felt it all over just like it felt then. How is that possible? How could it be that even though we are nearly 16 months post-loss and I can still remember those feelings and they just pop right back into me?

I feel somewhat guilty about it. I feel horrible about it. I should think of you and feel happy, but today I feel crushed. Today I feel sick and that's not something I like to admit. I want to always feel happy about you. You have taught me so much and you have changed me...every part of me.

So how can something so wonderful tear me up like it does?

It's because you aren't here. It's because I think about everything that happened. I think about everything that has happened since then and about the person I have become.

I think about the question...the "Would you change anything?" question. That is so very complicated. I can't answer that in any way that would be sufficient for my own heart. Because for me to answer that question, one would have to take into account a lot of things. You would need to consider changing the story of my life and the story of my kids. You see, if I hadn't miscarried in January of 2005, May of 2005 and January of 2007 I wouldn't have your big sister. And if I hadn't lost you, I wouldn't have your little sister. I don't want to think about not having your sisters. And as much as I have come to terms with my miscarriages, I don't know that I'll ever truly come to terms with losing you.

So, I just pray that no one ever asks me that dreaded question. And if it does come up. My heart tells me to leave it unanswered since there is no answer good enough. All I know is, my six pregnancies - including 3 miscarriages, one stillbirth and two living, breathing, beautiful daughters is what makes Sara, Sara. Even with as ugly as that may be and with as many horrible, painful tears I have cried...it is me. That is Sara. =- ( I wouldn't have chosen that story for myself and I am grateful that I didn't see any of it coming. I guess God really has watched out for me through it all. And even though I can't see straight sometimes, God is there and He is walking beside me every second of every day.