Well, my head is spinning again today. I started back to work 1/2 days this morning and can't even describe the fog in my head right now. I thought I was ready to go back and really, I think I am, but it was just hard. It was especially hard when I got a phone call and told her what had happened. It felt like I had ripped my heart from my chest again. But, I did it and that in itself is amazing. I brought pictures of you to put on my computer and a framed picture of you and a couple of other things to help get me through the days. I am surrounded by people who care about me there but it is hard to sit there while they laugh and tell jokes to try to cheer me up. I know they are only trying to help, but I just want to sit at my desk and blend in. Maybe some day I'll be able to laugh and joke again with all of them, but right now I can't.
I am home for the day now and am sitting in the recliner writing this to you with Crater on my lap on top of the blanket. It is chilly and windy out so it's nice to just sit and relax all by myself.
I don't want to be happy today. I don't want to laugh. I don't want to be with people. I don't even want to exist. But I do, so here I am. I think I'll go visit you before I pick your sister up from daycare today. Did you know I miss you? Did you know I can't believe you are gone?
Everything definitely comes in waves. That's for sure. And tomorrow I'll get up and do it all again. Who knows, tomorrow could go great. I am so happy to only have to work 1/2 days for now.
Well Carter, I don't know what else to say for now, so I'll just say I love you and I'll talk to you again soon.
Love, Mama
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