Carter's Story - September 27, 2009

This journal is for my sweet little boy, Carter Alan. I love you!

Hey there little boy! I bought this journal especially for you. You have changed my life in such amazing ways and I wanted to be able to tell you all about it. I will take some time to tell you your story in here but more than that, I want you to know all of the wonderful things you did and continue to do for me on a daily basis!

I can't believe it has almost been a month since you grew your wings and flew away to heaven. Tomorrow, Monday, September 28, 2009 was your actual due date. You would have been here by now though because we were scheduled to get induced on the 22nd. I bought you a shadow box, a picture frame and a wall hanging today. Your shadow box will hang at the end of the hallway upstairs so we can see it everyday. It has your Carter license plate, a birthday keepsake with all sorts of information about you, the hat you wore at the hospital and the clay casting of your little feet. The wall hanging says, "Life is not a matter of milestones but of Moments."

I went to visit you again today. I really like where you are. I love driving into the cemetery and seeing your pinwheel shining in the sun as it spins around. Dan and his daughters gave you that as well as some diaper pin holsters. They are pretty darn cute. You have a neighbor to your left and right. I'll tell you the story of your one neighbor sometime. I like it, I think it is a great story.

One thing I think is so amazing about you is the meaning of your name. I love your name and was so very excited to give it to you, and when you passed, I was heart-broken. But then I learned that Carter means "Tourist or Sojourner" more specifically "A temporary resident." I knew it was perfect for you. You were only a temporary resident on this planet but you accomplished so much while you were here. There are lots of people who do not accomplish much of anything while they are alive, but through your life and death, you did great things. That makes your mommy so proud of you! I am proud that you are mine. I love to show you off and to tell people all about little, wonderful you!

You would have been born on the first day of fall. I have always loved fall. I love seeing everything change. I love to step on the leaves and to make them crunch. It's so much fun! I also like fall because the temperature starts to cool off and I am not much of a hot weather person so I really like the cool down.

Well I guess I could start to tell you all about you. I kept a pregnancy journal while I was pregnant with you too but I'll try to write stuff in here so your story is all together.

We found out we were pregnant with you on Wednesday, January 21st I think. I was home with your sister because she had RSV. I took a test and when I saw it was positive, I called and told your daddy. I couldn't believe it when he said, "How did that happen?" Your silly daddy! I was so scared I was going to lose you as we went along. I don't have the easiest pregnancies and when I started bleeding and dind't stop I was afraid you were gone. But, you hung in there. You were a tough little one! I'll never forget feeling you move for the first time either. I was sitting at my desk at work and felt just one little kick in the lower left hand of my belly. I was only 15 weeks pregnant and was amazed I felt you so soon and believed even from then that you were going to be a calm little one. Then at 20 weeks we went in for your ultrasound. Dr. Storey is such a wonderful man and doctor we are very lucky to have him. He was looking around at you and asked if we wanted to know if you were a boy or a girl. We said of course! Your little legs were crossed so he had a hard time but he finally told us you were a little girl. We told him your name would be Madison. Then he looked around some more and apparently you decided to uncross your legs then and Dr. Storey said...I may need to change my mine because what's that? So it turned out you were a boy! :) You refused to show us your face though so we got to schedule another ultrasound at 28 weeks. Dr. Storey almost didn't let us take the picture where he called you a girl but we begged since it is such a good story and he let us take it after he had written on the one picture NOT where he had called you a girl. At our 28 week ultrasound, you weren't so bashful and we confirmed you were a boy. You also showed us your face. We found out at that ultrasound that you were breach so we were worried you woudln't flip.

You remained so quiet in there moving only a little bit here and there but you would always move in the evenings and if I rolled over when I slept you would move too. You did end up flipping around - Because you are a sweet little one ;) I went to my appointment on Wednesday, August 26th. It was a typical appointment. I saw Dr. Storey and he said your heartbeat was in the 140s and that he would see me again in two weeks. He was leaving the next day to ride his bike in France. So, I left the appointment and called your daddy to let him know you were doing good.

My week at work had been stressful which is not typical at all and on Thursday, your daddy and I had an argument. To top it off, my boss said some not very nice things too at the end of the day. So I left work and called my friend Mindy to tell her all about my day and I cried and cried and cried. I know I had to seem ok later on though because my friends were throwing me a baby shower for me that evening. I went to the shower, it was very nice. When I got home that night I was sitting in your room taking care of all the gifts we had received and I realized I hadn't felt you move since the night before whild your daddy and I were getting your sister ready for bed. I remember telling Hannah that her little brother was awake. :) Like I said before though, you dind't ever move much and since the day had been so busy and stressful, I didn't think much of not feeling you. So, I went to sleep and I woke up at 2:45 am and got worried again because I still hadn't felt you move so at 3:15 am I went downstairs and drank some juice because they say juice will wake babies yo in your tummy and get them to move around. So from 3:15 to 3:45 I sat with my hands on my belly just waiting to feel you move. During that time, the cats wouldn't leave me alone. They kept crawling up on my belly and lap to sit. I tried once again not to worry about not feeling you move and didn't want to wake your daddy up to take me in to the hospital and didn't know who I would call to take care of your sister either. I was worried again though when I rolled over and you dind't wiggle around then either.

When I got up that morning, I ate some cereal and drank another juice and you still didn't move. So I left for work and sent a text message to my friend Leah from the doctor's office asking her to call me when she had some time. When she called me, I told her everything that had happened and she told me to come in at 9:00 am for a non-stress test. When I got to work, I told Dan about the appointment and that I needed to go at 9. When the time came to leave, I called Mindy and we talked the entire way to the doctor's office. Mindy said she would keep talking to me during the appointment but I told her I would be ok. Your daddy was at home with your big sister and Porter so I didn't ask him to come with me and he didn't even know I was going because I didn't want to worry him.

So I sat in the waiting room hoping for the best but fearing the worst. When Leah saw me she came and felt my tummy and told me I should have called last night and they would have gotten me in even then. I tried my hardest not to cry. I sat in the chair and they put the fetal heart monitor on. I felt my heart sink when there was no heartbeat immediately. They had never needed to search for your little heartbeat. They put the monitor all over my tummy - low, high, left, right and still no heartbeat. I was trying my hardest not to panic because I knew my panicing would not help the situation at all. So, I held my tears in as best I could while the horrible fear of you being gone ran through my head. Leah asked me where your daddy was and when I told her, she called our friend Tiffany to go over to our house so your daddy could come down. I called your daddy and told him that he needed to come to the doctor's office because I hadn't felt you move, they couldn't find a heartbeat and that they were going to take me in for an ultrasound. It was right about the the doctor came in nand said let's go take a look.

When we got into the ultrasound room, she put it on my tummy and looked around for a bit. Then she said, "That's his heart, I'm sorry." My worst fears had come true. You had died. I just sat there crying and saying Oh my God over and over again. I asked what we needed to do and she told me I would need to deliver you but that I wouldn't have to wait and could go right over to the hospital. So, I called your Bumpa and told him because I wanted your Nana to find out by someone telling her face-to-face. Then your daddy came and I don't even remember what I told him but as we waited to talk to the doctor who would deliver you, we just sat there.

Dr. Beveridge was his name. I had only met him once before. He came in and told us what to expect and that we may never know what happened but they could do bloodwork and genetic testing to try to find out. Off to the hospital we went. I remember walking into the delivery room and seeing the baby warmer. That was the first thing I asked them to take out of there. I couldn't stand to look at it. I was not feeling very well at all so even before they started to induce me, they gave me an epidural. I couldn't even tell you how many people came and went from our room that day. It is such a blur. So as we waited for your grand parents to get there, we just sat and tried to pass the time. Your Uncle Michael was already planning a trip home so it wasn't hard for him to come the extra little bit to Cheyenne and your Uncle Adam went right to the airport to get on a flight. He was scheduled to fly right into Cheyenne around 9:00 pm that night. Then one of his flights got canceled and they weren't going to be able to get him on another one until 9:30 am the next morning. He got on stand-by for a flight that night that would get him to Denver at 11:10 pm we we all waited to see if he'd get a seat.

Meanwhile I had dilated to 4 cm and they decided to break my water. At 8:00 pm they asked me if I wanted to speed up the process and I asked to wait until we knew if Adam was going to get there or not. At 9:00 pm we found out that Adam had gotten onto the flight and Dan headed down to Denver to get him.

Around 10:00 pm your daddy and I asked everyone to leave so we could get some rest. At 10:50 pm I got the urge to push. I wasn't ready though. But they came and checked me and I was 9 cm and a +2 station. Dr. Beveridge said that was ok though and the longer we waited, the further you would come down and that would make it so I wouldn't have to push for as long.

As the time went on, I remember feeling more and more scared. Scared to have it all be over with. Scared to hold you. Scared to see the proof that you were gone.

Your Uncle Adam got to the hospital at 1:00 am. He came right up to our room and we were able to visit with him for about 15 minutes or so. When he left the room, your daddy and I were alone for a minute or two and I told him how scared I was to have to do this. I didn't know if I could.

Then the doctor, our nurse, the nursery nurse and the photographer came in and it was time to start. I remember my contractions almost completely stopping (or at least it seemed like that). But at 1:33 am there you were. Dr. Beveridge held you to show us how your little cord was wrapped around both of your legs and then around your one leg two more times. You didn't have a chance. Every time you kicked your little legs, it got tighter and tighter.

Right after he cut the cord, they put you on my tummy to hold. You were so white. It broke my heart. But you were also so perfect. I didn't understand how it was possible for me to be holding my dead baby. I didn't cry right away which was surprising to me. I didn't cry when they told me your weight (5 lbs. 3.9 ozs.) or your length (19 1/2 in.) or when I watched them give you a bath, but after they had you all washed up and bundled in the blankets with your little hat on, I sobbed when they gave you to me. So perfect, so, so, so perfect you were. How was this possible? The photographer took bunches and bunches of pictures of the three of us for a while and then it was time for everyone else to get to see and hold you. Your Bumpa, Nana, Uncle Adam, Grandpa Billy, Grandma Annie and Uncle Michael each got to spend some time with you. Then fourteen of our friends got to do the same. It was amazing. To see all of our friends and family is something I'll never forget. It was a huge comfort for me to know that those people got to experience you even if it was just for a few minute.

We were told we could have you with us for as long as we wanted you there and that the hospital would call the funeral home when we were ready. We kept you with us until 5:50 am. I had stared and stared at you before that so I wouldn't forget what you looked like and I had kissed you and nuzzled your nose so I wouldn't forget how you felt. I will never forget watching that woman walk out of the room with you in her arms. Just like that, you were gone from me.

Your daddy and I went to sleep after you left but I was only able to sleep for an hour before I woke up with the words of the song Blessed be Your Name running through my head. I cried and cried. I told your daddy I wanted that song at your funeral. We got to go home around 11:00 am and were able to nap for a while before we needed to go to the funeral home to make arrangements. You were buried in a long-sleeve outfit that said "Touchdown" on it, white booties with the Wyoming Cowboys logo in them and a white hat with a blue whale on it. We also buried you with a nice cuddly blanket and a toy bear/blanket. Your casket was blue gingham fabric. It looked soft and comfy.

I had told you before they took you that morning I would do everything I could to be sure you were comfortable, warm and not scared. We picked the cemetery out east of town to bury you in. You would be next to the other babies. That day we also bought me a ring with your birthstone in it so I could always wear something to remind me of you. I went home that afternoon and picked out a bunch of pictures to have in a slide show at the funeral set to the music of Blessed be Your Name. The other songs we picked for the service were Amazing Love/You are My King, and Never let Go.

Your funeral was beautiful. Pastor Dan did a wonderful job and people even laughed at times. The song we ended the funeral with was Everlasting God. It was perfect. As we followed your casket out of the church, I tried to look around at all of the people who were there. I couldn't believe it. And on the way to the cemetery, I couldn't believe the line of cars that followed us. There were more than 180 people at your funeral little boy! It was amazing!

Two weeks after you were gone, we took a trip to Colorado Springs for six days. It was nice to just get away for a while.

Since your funeral, two different families that we are friends with have come to our church. It's all because of you!

And since you have been gone, life has gone on. I hate that. I hate that I only have pictures of you to hold and a video of your funeral to watch. If I want to be physically close to you I have to go to a cemetery. When I went there just the a few days ago, it broke my heart when I realized there was only earth between the two of us and couldn't believe the thoughts in my head of wanting to hold you so badly that I felt like digging you up. What a horrible feeling. I knew that I wouldn't really do it but at that time, it seemed like such a simple solution.

We have ordered your headstone. It will say Playing in God's Garden, Carter Alan Janes, Loved Son and Brother, Aug. 29, 2009. Hopefully it will stay warm for at least a little while longer so they can set it this fall instead of having to wait until next spring.