November 8, 2009

Hey little boy! I love you!

It has been a few days since I have written to you. I'm sorry! I talked to some of your friends' mommies tonight. It was nice. We did talk about guilt and the what ifs though. I hope you know I did what I felt was right and did everything I could to be sure you were ok. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about what if I had gone to the doctor earlier. Would you have been ok? Please understand that it is painful for me to think about things like that so the majority of the time I just don't.

We went to visit you twice yesterday. We went to dinner at a place just to the east of where you are so we stopped on the way out there and again on the way home. Your pinwheel wasn't even moving. It was such a calm night. I love you so much. I can't believe you are gone. I can't believe I have to go to a cemetery to visit my son. It breaks my heart.

Your daddy and I are going to try to have another baby. Please know we aren't trying to replace you. Because we never could! But we want another child that we can raise. Nothing could ever replace you in my heart Carter. I love you so much and can't believe yesterday was the 10 week mark. I should be getting ready to go back to work an should be watching you learn to smile. That breaks my heart. But instead, I have been back to work for over a month now and I'll not be able to see you smile until I get to heaven some day. I can't wait for that day. I don't think I'll ever let you go again.

I love you!