Oh Carter, I'm sad tonight. I'm sad that you weren't here to celebrate your sister's birthday with us. It's so hard buddy. It's hard to know that I will never hold you again for as long as I live. You know I would give anything to have you back right?
Your daddy and I weren't feeling well at all today. We both had food poisoning. And it turns out, pretty much everyone else got sick too! I am feeling a lot better now than I was earlier today so that's a good thing. It was miserable.
I read a special book to your sister tonight for her birthday and much to my surprise you "showed up" while I was reading to her. In the book, it's called "On the Night You Were Born", it talks about the geese flying and I couldn't help but think of you! You are everywhere I look, Carter. You never cease to amaze me. I am reminded of you each day. Thank you for that! I need it. I need you in my life. I need those gentle reminders of you. They make life a little more livable.
You are getting more and more friends up there little boy. But by you getting more friends to play with, I'm getting more friends too. I'm grateful to have people in my life that I can talk to about you all I want and they won't ever get sick of hearing it because they feel the same way about their little ones. I don't know if you kiddos even realize how much your families love you. We love you so much it hurts. It hurts my heart to think about you being gone. I just miss you. I miss feeling you move. I miss watching my belly grow. I miss kissing you. I miss holding you. I miss seeing you. I miss the parts of me that died when you did. I will never be whole again. It just hurts so bad.
I don't feel like I'm the mom your sister deserves. I try Carter, I do, but it's so hard when you aren't here with us. She is such an amazing little girl and I am so blessed to have her. There isn't a day that I am not grateful for her. But it scares me to know how very fragile life is and the thought of losing her too is too much. You have taught me to appreciate things buddy! To really look at the things in my life with gratitude, knowing that each second of the day is a blessing. Thank you for teaching me that.
Well little one, I should get going. There are things I've got to get done before bed and they aren't getting themselves done! I hope you rest well tonight, Carter. Remember I love you!
Sweet Sara Im thinking of you and Carter all the time. I miss my Ethan as painfully as you do your Carter. I know that our boys are the best of friends up there. Chasing the birds and frogs, Ethan is guiding your Carter by the hand.
ReplyDeleteThese letters are so special, Sara. I hope you know that Hannah could not have better parents than you and David. I'm sure you feel incomplete and somewhat lacking for her, but that is not what is portrayed to her. She knows that she is loved and that is the best thing that you could ever do for her. If she even turns out to be half the woman that you are, she will be absolutely incredible. And Carter will always be a part of her life too. You are doing an amazing job and I hope that you know that in your heart. You are SO loved!
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