Save a Place for Me - January 15, 2010

Oh Carter, I don't know what I am today. I don't feel terribly sad. I don't feel overly happy either. I think today, I'm just existing.

Jayden's mommy was talking a little while ago about great songs which made me think of one of my new favorites. It is called "Save a Place for Me" by Matthew West. It is a song all about loved ones who have gone to heaven before us and how we hope that you all will save a place for us up there with you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhubPlIw1Ao&feature=related That is my prayer today. That is my hope. That is my saving grace. If I can't be with you once I get to heaven, then it wouldn't be worth going there. I know I will get to be with you though. I know we will never have to be apart again. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I need to keep the hope of heaven and all of its wonderful-ness in the front of my mind.

It's so hard sometimes though, Carter. There are so many parts of the day when I can't even bear to think about you being gone. It's just too hard. I miss you so much. I miss everything about you. I miss everything you did while your little soul resided inside of me. I miss knowing you were alive. I miss holding you after you were born. I miss kissing you. I miss hugging you. I miss EVERYTHING!

I went for a walk a little while ago so I could stretch my legs out a little bit and just think. On my walk I saw a bunch of geese again. It makes me so happy to see them in the open space out here at work. I know you are right there with them, Buddy. I know you don't want me to be sad. I know that you know I love you. But I would just like to tell you to your face again. Just one more time. But that still wouldn't be good enough. Nothing is good enough, Carter. Nothing will ever be good enough until I get to heaven to be with you. I'm not eager to leave here, don't get me wrong, I just wish we could be together every day. But for some reason, that I'll never know while I'm alive, that's not meant to be.

So instead, I'll just ask you once again to save a place for me. Like the song says, I'll be there soon.

I love you!