Funk - February 17, 2010

I had a dream about you last night, and surprisingly, it was a pretty normal dream. Well compared to the other dreams I have had anyway. In my dream, you were still gone but I got to see you and hold you again and have you with me for a couple of days. It was wonderful! I loved seeing you again. I loved holding you again. I loved being able to just pick you up and love on you for that time. I was so happy in my dream, Carter.

Then I woke up and you are still gone. :( And I don't get to hold you. All I get to do is look at your sweet pictures. It's not fair. It's not right. But it's my life. And there's nothing I can do to change it.

So I have been in quite a funk today. I think it's partly because of my dream and partly because I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow for your little brother/sister. I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying to be hopeful. I'm just floating along on the river of life. And floating is a good thing I guess. Floating is better than sinking which is entirely possible. And I don't know that I am quite capable of riding the waves yet either. So, floating is where I'll be. And as long as I am surrounded by love, both here and from heaven, I'll keep floating along with even the tiniest glimmer of hope.

Thank you for loving me, Carter. I hope you know what love is. I know you do. I just worry sometimes that you won't know me or that you won't remember me. It's hard enough to think about other people not remembering you, but it's even harder to think about you not remembering me. I think about you every day. I miss you every second. I can't wait for the day I get to be with you again. I love you baby boy. Please stay by my side (and daddy's too) as we go to our appointment tomorrow. We need you!

I love you!